castaway91

It's so strange writing this, because we're not broken up yet, but I know it's going to happen when I put all the eggs in the basket and do it for both of our sake. I realize that both of us were unhealthy, and we have done and said things in the past that did not helped us or made us a strong and secure couple that we wanted it to be so badly. But here's the part where it really got messed up: I forgave you, I grew up, I held up my own end and tried my darn hardest to wipe the slate clean and start over. But you didn't forgive me or my past. You didn't grew up, but actually regressed back. You did not held up your own end, only when it directly benefited you in some way, and you have become worse and worse with each passing day, week, and months since I've tried healing myself. You grew colder, more crueler, and more dumber than I remember. I looked at your old messages, when you had an actual brain and had some logic left. Now talking to you is like talking to some weird sociopathic 12 year old. It's insane how terrible you've become. There's a reason why I treated you like a stranger and why I will still treat you like a stranger until I virtually disappear from your life soon. You literally killed what's left of my love for you on Sunday night when I needed you the most. You LAUGHED at my tears. I was sobbing and showed you my heart and soul. I was vulnerable. Relationships means vulnerability. You ripped me apart. Shredded me to pieces. After that, I became afraid of you. Disgusted by you. For the first time ever since I've met you, I feel free and happy when I DIDN'T talked to you or have to look at you. If you were here in my room, right now, and you made a move on me, oh God. I would probably flinch and gag. That's how bad it is now. It's done and it's ruined, and I really did not wanted it to go to this route, I really really really REALLY tried to fix us and myself and our relationship and did everything I could to make us happy... but you became something else, I don't know WHAT, but I can't forgive you for Sunday and I just can't take you in my heart anymore. It doesn't feel safe to be with you anymore. It's not fun being around you anymore. You bossed me around during our vacation before I left to come home, you couldn't talk to people on the telephone (GROW THE HELL UP SERIOUSLY?!) and had me call up restaurants to get our food, and you became insufferable. I can't do this anymore. And it's hard because I promised myself that I wouldn't give up on you. I promised you that I wouldn't leave you, but it's just broken. It's so hard, too hard. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow, but I have a bad feeling that I won't like talking to you even through e-mail. But then, maybe, this entire situation happened because you are trying one last time to get away from me, to push me away, to test me and see how much I can take of your bull. To see if I am willing to walk away and leave behind almost 3 years of pain, pleasure, dreams and promises. And to answer that... is yes. I am willing to walk away. You're about to become abandoned and I have a feeling that it probably won't matter to you as much when it does happen, because deep down, you loved being alone and unloved. Well, your dream is about to come true. Thanks for nothing.