SweetJade

1.)I learned that I must love and respect myself first before I can love another! 2.)Don't stick around with an abuser thinking he will change because he won't. 3.)I learned to not lookover the warning signs & keep trying but to move on because of them. 4.) If someone has no self respect for themselves, how can they possibly love me in the process?? 5.)Just because someone says they love you doesn't actually mean they are sincere about it! 6.) The biggest thing I learn is to not go looking for love because most of the time you will find trouble and indeed I did!Love is unexpected and it comes out of the blue. Let love find you! 7.) Not to rely on a man or anyone for my happiness!

I don't know I'm trying really hard to be happy and focus on living life but it's sooo hard. It just seemed like for the past 5 months I've had seriously bad luck and it just seems to get worse and worse and I'm seriously spiraling into a deep depression. I still can't get over the way my ex treated me and it's been 3 months. I had deep feelings for him and he made me believe he loved me.He did nothing but verbally abuse me and cheat on me! I however don't have feelings for him anymore but he really just messed my self esteem up by cheating on me. I had became so distraught that I had harassed him by constantly calling his phone(to make him angry) which led him to calling the cops on me. They did nothing but gave me a warning saying that I should not have anymore contact with him which is fine and I respected that. See he was the only one that made me feel special and it was all a lie, he makes me feel like such a fool. It hurts badly to think someone actually loved you when they couldn't give a crap about you. That really perplexes me how someone could be so selfish and leave my heartbroken like this. Now I'm left alone and confused.. Another point is I've lost my job a month ago and now I'm desperately trying to find another one and at the same time trying to get into school which will start in the summer for me. So now all I can do is lay around in the house most of the time sulking until a new job come up hopefully. Im also saddened because I lost my bestfriend a week ago over a stupid fight.I found out that she was backstabbing and two faced and I want nothing to do with her anymore. 7 years of friendship down the drain. All of the events have seriously spiraled me into a depression so deep. I have no motivation for anything anymore, I'm so tired of everything and I have no one now. All of the so called friends I got are superficial, they're only my friends because of what they percieve me as. They only call when they need me for something and I'm so much more than that. I can honestly say that I have no friends at all which is sad. Now I'm trying to figure out how everything could go so wrong and now it's like everyone moved on and left me in the dust. I just want things back the way they used to be months ago. I want the boyfriend who was caring, not the one that was the jerk.I want my friends back & my job but life is all about change I suppose and I don't like it at all. I have been having severe headaches and last night was the worse. I was very lonely last night and I started crying uncontrollably to the point that I made myself sick. I hardly got any sleep last night at all. I just laid in bed thinking about the past. Today I'm feeling very weak and it's almost like I'm in a trance state. I think I'm just going to lay in bed again today. I mean I don't get what I'm supposed to do anymore to be happy. I really don't feel like leaving the house and at the same time I don't wanna be here either, I know that sounds crazy. 2007.... What a year for me to start off Please if you also don't have anything positive to say, please I don't wanna here it today.. I'm really not in the mood for it.

Lately it just seems like a whole lot has changed in a couple of months. I lost a horrible boyfriend a couple of months ago, who I'm just getting over. Ironically his selfishness and immaturity taught me alot. It taught me how to be a better person and to be kind and generous no matter what! I was bitter and hurt but I learned to let god just handle him. Speaking of god I've been getting closer with him also. He makes me feel good when no one else will.Knowing that I'm a good person that wants to help people fills me up inside.Right now all I'm doing is soul searching. I'm really tired of the world we live in! There's so much hate and negativity everywhere you go. It's like everyone is warped into their own little world, everyone has their cliches of friends and if you don't fit their persona.. you won't fit in. Alot of people are too consumed with sex nowadays and no one wants a relationship anymore. It's all about who you can screw and move onto next. I see it with my friends. That's all they seemed concerned about. That's why recently I just cut all of them out of my life because they're too consumed with material things and who's fine and all of that. I'm just past all of that stuff. Another thing that's been bothering me is that I can't find any genuinely good people in my life. I always make TOXIC friends, they start off nice but they're always there to drag me down. That's why I got rid of this cliche I used to be in. I may have 1 or 2 good friends I talk to and it's not all of the time because their mainly busy with their own lives. I recently lost my job so it gives me alot of time to be home alot and reflect on myself. I'm just by myself alot and I'm actually lost right now. I mean I really don't know where I should go from here. I'm starting school in the summer but I have no clue what I want to do. I think I'm really misunderstood because I'm not into all of the things most people my age group are into. I like the simple life. I like to hang out with a group of friends and go to the movies. Everyone else is too consumed with clubbing,partying and sex sex sex and more sex. It's sad really.. I'm just trying to find my place in this messed up world and see exactly where I fit in because I really don't know right now...

Thanks Kellbelle! You're are so right about break-ups being blessings in disguise.I've learned alot from this!! Even though I'm still bitter and hurt. It's getting easier. It makes me want to focus on my life and my future more. It really made me want to do better for myself. In all it has really changed me. I learned to not put so much trust in a man for my happiness. It must come within myself and I had to learn that the hard way. Funny how a year ago I went on the INTERNET looking for this guy. I was lonely then and when I found him I was happy for awhile until I saw his true colors! I wish I was more wiser a year ago because I'm now at the same spot I was then alone again! Meaning no PROGRESS! I also learned that I shouldn't go LOOKING for a man when I don't even have my life straight. Maybe it's best that I'm alone now to find myself. Somedays are easier than others and I just hope eventually I can find it in myself to forgive him and move on with my life.What he does is no longer any of my concern. Like I said, the guy has serious issues and it's a good thing he's out of my life. Kellbell thank you for listening and being there for a stranger! You made me feel better!

Hey Kellbell! The way you put it makes alot of sense! I do find myself thinking about what he "PROJECTED" himself to be rather than what he is.That really hit me now... There's so many people out there that will treat me with respect and love! Why should I obsess over him? I don't get it? Now thinking about the negative makes me hate him. Maybe I should start focusing on the negative and not the positive. All I know is that Karma is truly real and he will get what's coming to him. It's funny how I'm not the only person he's done this too. Because I met my ex off of the internet and coincidentally I've met a female friend off of the same site that I met him from. She knew him and he basically did the same thing to her, what's worse was that he stole money from her and changed his number. I should be lucky that he didn't do all of that to me. It's no telling who all he's done this too because now that I think about it, this guy has serious issues! He's supposedly working on an album now here in Atlanta Georgia.I'm not going to be bitter, I'm going to be a bigger person and wish him success, I just hope he changes his ways and gets his life right. I do feel like he will get his after all of the women he scorned. Now after meeting this girl, I don't feel as bad as I do but it still hurts still though. He's headed for a downfall seriously and I don't get how people can be this cruel and evil..

I have a question, is it it normal to still miss him even after he treated me the way he did? I know he's a jerk but he just had this charming way about him that made me feel like he understood me and knew where I was coming from. I know that was all a fake now but I really miss the conversations. I think I have an obsession over him more than anything. Why should I still pine over someone that doesn't give a crap about me?? That tells me that I have some serious issues! I've never really been close to anyone and now I'm just lonely alot. He was the only one that was there for me sadly and now that he's gone... He's left me seriously alone and confused. I don't know how I'm going to get out of this. I'm even having this fantasy where he changes his ways and comes back to me in the future. I know this is not healthy at all and I just want to forget he existed.

Sorry to reply so late. Right now I'm thinking too much about everyone else and not me. I have to make things happen for me. I just want to forget about my ex but it's hard. I just can't understand how people can be so mean and cruel and treat you like crap like he did. I keep thinking about all of the things he said to me and it just hurts so much. I had put my all into him and yet he just stepped all over me like a mat on a doorstep. It's been 2 months since the breakup and somedays it's easy and somedays it's not! I had put too much trust in him. He made me think he was the only person there for me, I gave him my heart and I just feel so lost and alone right now. I'm going to try to focus on me but it's really hard!

I'm really at a point of self discovery and I'm trying to be strong.It's so hard,all the friends I had were fake. They weren't my true friends and I thought about it.They always made jokes at my expense and they always put me down. I just can't take it anymore so I'm just going to cut them out of my life. Bad thing is I hardly have any friends. I guess I'm too lame and ugly to have good people in my life. I don't understand it, it seems like everyone have these great lives, with lots of friends and people to be there for them. I just always seem to get the short end of the stick. I look at people's myspace and facebook profiles and everyone have all of these great people who write on their wall and their life seems fulfilled. They have genuine people in their lives. I always get stuck with bad people. I did something stupid and I checked up on my ex's profile. He treated me so horribly, I lost it for a week and I kept calling him just to annoy him and he called the police on me. They gave me a warning to never contact him and so I did. But I was curious to check up on him and I looked at his myspace page. He's moved on and his singing career is going good. He has a record deal here in Atlanta georgia and he has an album coming out in April. He's worked with alot of famous producers and he's in the music industry. I know this doesn't guarantee he'll be famous but I have this since of bitterness and jealousy. I feel like since he treated me like crap and cheated on me with prostitutes and various people, I feel like he doesn't deserve it all. While a good person like me sits here depressed and alone, I don't get it? His life shouldn't concern me but I still have this bitterness inside, it's really hard to just ignore it and walk away.I really should just forgive and move on but it kills me. How could someone so cold and viscious be blessed with a good life? Another blow to me was to find out last night that another ex of mines is getting married. He proposed to his girlfriend. What saddens me was that he is a really good guy. I was the cause of the breakup because I couldn't do the long distance relationship thing. He was so sweet compared to my recent ex. I'm happy for him but I keep saying what if? What if I never broke it off 2 years ago? What if we were still together, would he be proposing to me now? I would definitely be happier I suppose.Every decision I make is always a bad move and it gets me places that I don't need to be. I know it's the past but I feel a little weird I don't know...I don't have feelings for this ex anymore but I feel like my life could have been in a better spot. People keep telling me to focus on me and my life but I really have nothing to look forward to and that scares me. I'm trying to find out my purpose in life and at the same time I'm trying hard to be strong.I'm already 21 so I'm going to look into some colleges to get in. That would be a good start I suppose.I'm not in school right now and I work at a stupid fast food restaurant that I hate going everyday.Today was really horrible, my mind kept spinning with all of these questions, like what am I going to do?I'm so worried to the point that I have butterflies in my stomach. All I did today was lay up in bed and soak in self pity.I don't even feel like doing anything, I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't want to make friends anymore,what's the point they always backstab me anyway. I guess this is god's way of trying to make me stronger. I will fight this depression and I will make something out of myself. I don't know what it will be or how I will get there but I have to have faith in god because that's all I have now.I've been abused in the past both physically and mentally and I'm just so tired of people using me as their punching bag. I want to fight back.. The question is where to start?

Interesting, I'm just going to start going out and doing things. Thanks Dako, I'm getting very excited. I mean I'm young and I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm a mystery waiting to be unfold. I think I'll start excercising more and try to get in better shape for one thing. I will try to explore things even if I'm not interested because you never know, I might find my passion. This down time is good for me I suppose. It gets me geared for the future.

You know oddly I used to have passions for things but I lost interest in all of them.One time I used to like producing music, not professionally but I used to like to make songs and I grew out of that. I used to like to draw also but I grew out of that too. When I try to go back to these things, I just can't feel that chemistry or that passion like I used to have. Maybe I need to try to get back into these things. I need to find a way to get my spirit going again. I just got too caught up in the wrong things to care about anything else.

I took a walk and I actually took the bus to the mall. There I ran into an old friend and we walked around the mall for awhile and we talked.Once we departed ways I just took time to myself and ate at the food court. Finding a hobby is going to be the hard part because I don't know what really interests me. I will try to discover my passion though. You guys are right I can't rely on someone to make me happy, I realise that now and before I had met my ex, I was miserable until he came. Then he turned into a jerk who ripped and shattered my self-esteem and made me feel so low.I had actually hung onto him for months even when he told me things like I was ugly,that I couldn't do better than him, that I was nothing. I finally had the strength to leave but I made myself look like such a fool.Then I tried to get even and that ended in disaster. I don't know, maybe I'll try to write or read books or something since I have all of this alone time to myself. I realised that I relied too much on people for my happiness than myself, that was my biggest mistake.I will try to excercise and get in better shape. I just feel so alone and empty right now, the feeling is undescribeable. What worries me is that I have no idea how my future will turn out. I'm very perplexed about everything right now.Things look pretty dark and and uncertain.

After a very nasty break-up with my ex, I have alot of alone time now to reflect on things. Like me for one, right now my life has all of this confusion.I'm very hurt and bitter right now, I'm mad that I wasted my whole year on someone that only wanted to use me,disrespect me, someone that said they never gave a d*mn about me in the beginning. I realised this months before I found out he was cheating on me with prostitutes but that was the breaking point for me. Now I'm left wondering if I'll ever find that perfect person. I just found out he got a record deal by looking at his myspace page, and it bothers me that he's happy and that he moved on with his life, it seems like good things are happening for him, even when he doesn't really deserve it. My best friend hooked up with this guy recently and I must say that I'm really jealous. It seems like I'm the third wheel in everything now. The guy is so sweet and nice,he's good looking and they are very happy together. I have to ask myself why couldn't my ex be more like him?Just last night my best friend called me and soon as she called me her boyfriend rung her and we got on 3-way. So basically for the rest of the night I just had to hear them talk with all of the I love you's and yada yada yada. Everything I said was completely ignored and they were in their own little world. I feel alone now because it seems as if everyone moved on in their lives and I'm stuck at this dark lonely place where nothing makes sense anymore. I'm not sad but rather bitter that I can't find true happiness.I spend very lonely days and nights at home.I promised myself that this alone time would be more focused on me. My best friend doesn't even seem to have time for me anymore. It gives me alot to think about now and I don't even know what I want to do with my life anymore which just adds to the confusion.I think I'm going to go for a walk or something...

I should be really lucky. I really need to control my anger, I think and act irrationally when I'm under a great amount of stress. I think this will make me soo much stronger. It makes me want to focus on me now, I really just want some time alone to myself to rediscover myself and ask myself how did I get involved with such a loser. Right now it seems lonely but I've been through so much worse. I'll be alright in time...

UPDATE!!!! He actually went through with the procedure. I just got a call from a cop. We had a nice conversation, she just basically gave me a warning. Saying that I cannot have anymore contact with my ex or I'll be arrested. We can't even see one another, Which is fine with me. Which makes it sooo much easier for me to move on with my life! What a loser! It bothers me that I spent sooo much time and energy on a jerk. How ironic, he calls the cops on me when he could have been busted messing with prostitutes. Hmmm, I'm very hurt and bitter right now but I'll be fine in time I suppose. Maybe one day I'll find my dream person! Everything just seems so depressing right now...

Thanks Sandy!! You seem so cool and sweet. Thanks everyone for their input I really appreciate it. I think I'm safe now, I think what my ex said was all a bluff and I'm sure the police would have done something by now.So now I will just look forward to my future and focus on me, I hope that things will look better in time!