Cyberchick

I agree with the other posters --- cut the other man out of your life. He's attached to someone else too, it makes the whole situation even more complicated and painful. He needs to sort himself out. I agree with someone else on here that you will regret getting involved with him down the road. I had an affair once --- I was single, he was married. Actually I've had a couple of affairs. They were the worst decisions I ever made. They haunt me still. I don't want that to happen to you.

One last thing: Do positive affirmations work when it comes to your perspective on your relationships? I spend alot of time worrying and doubting my relatioship with my bf ( part of my ocd, which I want to work on ), I spend alot of time doubting whether or not it's right. Alot of what I think about my relationship is negative and I minimize the positives, which is exactly what I do to myself. Can I turn my outlook around on my relationship with positive self talk? Ultimately, I think once I build a healthy self esteem, not only will I view myself differently, but I will view my relationship differently. That's what a therapist told me once. Tonight I started reciting affiramtions to myslef, making lists of my positive attributes. As I recited them, words took on a different resonance. It's weird to stare yourself straight in the eye and say all these things to yourself. I think they will sink in eventually.

Me and Myself, what do you say to yourself? Do you say them out loud?

Thanks to everyone for their feedback. MeandMyself, it's good to hear how the positive affirmations are working for you. Even after 2 months it's doing good things for you. I'm going to try it.

So if outright speaking to yourself positively doesn't necessarily work that well, how do you shut off the negative self talk? It seems like that's the key, from what you are all saying. I'm doing Ten Days to Self Esteem by Dr. Burns --- it's a workbook that helps you manage your self eseem. I've just started it, but I'm hoping to keep working on it and find some improvement. That should have ideas about this topic. As I list my positive traits on paper, it's so hard to believe it. but I guess that's a funtion of all the negative self talk over the years. It'll be interesting to see how I really feel about myself once I have eradicated the negative messages to myself.

Hey guys, I'm starting the process of boosting my self esteem and on a lot of websites about it, they say that you have to replace negative self talk with positive self talk. One way to do this is to tell yourself 3 times a day you are a good, wirthwhile person. Another thing is to list your good qualities. Does this actually work? Do you really start to believe it once you say it enough? For those of you who are raising your self esteem and exoeriencing success at it, has it helped? Wgat else has? Sometimes I feel like a hopeless case, but then I've never made a concerted effort to raise my self esteem, so how do I know if I really am or not, right?

Maybe he does mean it when he's drunk, but I think it's more important to go by his actions when he's sober. How does he treat you when you are sober? It took my bf a long time to say it to me --- about 10 monthas. I said it to him long before he said it to me and he would usually respond in a loving way without actually saying it to me. And he always treated me in a way that showed me his love. He finally said it to me at 10 months. He had only ever said to one person in his life --- his mom. It took him awhile because he had issues wuth the word itself, but now it comes easily to him. What's really holding your bf back from saying it? Has he been hurt in the past? It IS a strong word, but you've been together a long time. That kind of committment is strong in itself.

I think that 3 - 4 times a weeks is about enough for me. We do it about that much. Sometimes I'd like it more, maybe do it twice in the same night. But 3 - 4 is about good. Right now we haven't had sex in a week and a half because I was on my period ( sorry, tmi ) and he;s been super tired and stressed out. But I think we'll get back on track soon.

Hey Teardrops, When I was in grade school, I had THE worst fashion sense. Ever. I never wore makeup, had bad hair. I was also chubby, which I still am, but I dress for my body shape so it's not QUITE as apparent. Somewhere along the line, maybe when I started making money, I came to care about my appearance and do what I can to look my best when I go out. Having money made that attainable for me. Why don't you treat yourself to a nice haircut? That always makes me feel great. If you feel lost when it comes to makeup, some salons have makeup artists who will show you how to do a basic face that doesn't take long and looks good. I always had trouble finding a foundation that would work with my skin, until I went to the MAC cosmetics counter at my local mall and they found me a foundation, a blush, and a lipgloss. Now I do a five minute face in the mornings that works for me, and barely takes any effort. As far as clothing goes, baby steps. Alot of websites list essentials for a woman's wardrobe so that it's easy to put together outfits in the morning. If you are worried about attracting men's attention, that's a psycological issue that will hinder you no matter what you wear. Have you been to a therapist? They may help you work through your issues so that you don't need to hide anymore. Alot of people on here gave you some great basic steps, I hope you find them helpful. Anytime you want advice, feel free to pm me.

It looks like you are trying to do the right thing, keep going girl. Things are going to be okay.

To echo what others have said on here, who knows if he's telling her the truth about why his marriage is unhappy? Not to sound harsh, but if he's capable of cheating on his wife, he's capable of lying about anything, including the reasons why his marriage is not working and what the situation at home is. What has his role been in the situation and why is he not dealing with it properly, ethically, before entering into another relationship? Maybe he's not even telling himself the truth. And as for him being in love with the OP, I am skeptical it's really love. He sounds a little too emotionally unhealthy to be capable of that right now. I got involved with a married man for seven months... I can honestly say it was the worst mistake of my life. He lied about absolutely everything. Mind you, he never said anything about leaving his wife for me, and claimed to be happily married. I question why someone who is happily married would cheat, but whatever, that's for him to live with. Thing is, he lied about absolutely everything else, including his own name because he was terrified of being caught. My own self esteem was so low, I " fell in love " for the very little he did have to offer me. I was so wrong, so so wrong for getting involved with him. It was so unfair for me to do that to his family, although I'm not the one who made the committment to them. What gave me the right to lie down beside another woman's man? I put the words " fell in love " in parenthese because I don't really think it was love... I think love is supposed to be a healthy emotion and act, and NOTHING about our " relationship " ( more like a series of one night stands, with some rare moments of intimacy that kept me there ) was healthy. Whatever I felt for him was probably far from love, and it may be for the OP as well. Need, lust, addiction to highs in a relationship full of lows? The affair really ruined me in alot of ways, ruined my perceptions of true love, although I have an extremely wonderful bf now who shows me real love everyday, in everything he does. Love shouldn't be dishonest, it shouldn't be that painful ( not that it's not hard work ), and it shouldn't compartementalize one person in another person's life. I disagree with the notion that you just love who you love, that she couldn't help loving him, or he couldn't help loving her. I had alot of self esteem issues going into the affair and I am 100% convinced those issues were at play when I developed feelings for him. I really thought I couldn't deserve better, didn't deserve real love, and I was scared to give my heart to someone because they may see what an unworthy person I was. Well, this married man would have been the perfect person to fall for, totally in line with the feelings I had about myself. Love isn't always natural and beyond our control, and doesn't always appear to be what we think it is. Our ideas about love are shaped by our histories, who we feel we are as individuals. To break unhealthy patterns, we have to really look at ourselves and start putting ourselves back together again before we can cultivate healthy relationships. Sorry, that probably sounded santimonious, but this issue really cuts close to home. The OP deserves a chance at real love, I don't think this is it. I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. I'd recommend ending this completely asap, it's going to cause you some real damage.

Do you have an aversion to putting your tongue in her vagina? If you're not sure what to do, ask her. She can gently direct you while you're doing it ( that's what I do with my bf when he's going down on me ) and pretty soon you'll know just what she likes and how she likes it.

I dcompletely agree with the posters on here --- don't have anyone else around. It may make her feel uncomfortable and self conscious, in case it does happen. I wouldn't plan it either, let it happen as it happens. Best not to build up too many expectations. Have a great time!

If you having her over to your place and plan to watch a dvd/video, Edward Scizzirhands is a great first date movie. It's really sweet and cute. I agree with the person who posted Love Actually, another great one. Going out to a movie, Music and Lyrics is recommended. Borat is so funny, but if she's easily offendable, maybe not.

Don't block him. I wouldn't play games like that, if you're seriously interested in the guy. How do you know that you came on strong and he got cold on you, if he told you he'd been thinking about you? Could you have misintetpreted his actions?