Lacuna

Musicguy - I have no idea if you are attractive or not, but I do know that life is rarely fair. This may sound like a lack of sympathy but I always find it helpful to remember that everyone has their crosses to bare - whether it be poor appearance, a physical disability, mental disability or even severe poverty. I do not want to trivialise the difficulties you are going through - but it might help to think of the people that cannot walk, the children in other countries whose families have died etc etc. Or better yet think of those people in wheelchairs who go rock climbing, or the burn victims who get married. Life is rarely fair - when I get down about not having the career my friends have, that I'm not as good looking as others, that girls don't throw themselves at me or that I have no family, I think of how much worse it could be... Life isn't fair - and I can either accept that and make the most of life anyway or sit in my room and waste my life being sad about it. Don't waste a second of your life musicguy by feeling upset or down - make the most of what you have buddy....

Well Gee - I guess my Ex should feel mighty complimented then... And thanks for the other tip about getting 'on the job' a half hour before-hand. I just hope there's no risk of having a 'something about Mary' moment...

Thanks for the tips Boricura. And yes - I'm quite the expert at going down on a girl (one of the benefits of being insecure about penetrative sex) and usually make sure she has an orgasm before we do anything else. It still leaves me unable to do the hard and fast thing for long - and I think penetrative sex is a symbolic thing to many - a sign of manhood or verility so even if the girl comes it is still a failure if the guy cannot do it hard...

Yeah - 'he' has tried that, and it does help. But it would really be nice to actually be able to comply when the girl says 'harder' or 'faster', or 'don't stop'. Every time I...I mean 'he'...has to say "wait a minute" or can't go harder and faster when requested he feels like a complete loser, like he isn't a man at all....

I have a 'friend' (no, it couldn't possibly be me) who has become insecure over the years because he doesn't last that long. It has gotten to the point that 'he' will avoid sex just because it has become to seem like each time it is a test to see how long he can last. Anyone have any tips on how to extend the duration?

Shysoul - you are right, perhaps 'selfish' was the wrong word. "Self-involved" is probably more accurate. And whatever the reasons it is definitely the case - which is why they say 'to love others you must first love yourself' because someone who is low in self esteem is so preoccupied with their feelings of low self-worth they have little time to think of anyone else... It is not a simple concept and one that whole books have been written - but I personally find it helpful to realise what I'm doing when I sit around feeling sorry for myself; being self-involved and focusing on my own problems to the detriment of everything else around me. Imagine how fewer depressed people there would be if everyone was involved in something outside themselves (and by involved I mean more than just being there and going through the motions). I often wonder if depression is a modern development - a symptom of people having too much free time on their hands to sit and think about themselves and what they're missing out on. I wonder if more 'traditional' societies have the same rates of depression?

The modern, politically correct, man in me says "She's a woman and can do what she wants - if men can do it why can't women?" At the same time the reality is that most guys would have a hard time being with a girl who has 'been around'. But it doesn't sound like your friend is sleeping with anyone - so I don't see any harm. It's good she's getting back her confidence - I just hope she doesn't hurt people in the process of her fun....

You sound needy. You sound like my older brother - he messes up relationships because he tries to be Mr Super-nice man with a flowing green cape... People feel pressured by needy people and most can't deal with it. If you're needy you respond to things poorly and put out a vibe that keeps people away. People like to spend time with people who have lives they want to share, people who do things and have interests - who wants to spend time with someone who sits in a dark room all day dwelling on how sad they are? Somewhere on this forum someone posted a 'guide' for how to interact with girls - it isn't too bad and one of the points he discusses is the 'nice' guy problem. I'd recommend getting away from the 'I NEED someone' syndrome and instead focus on doing things you enjoy - or at least trying different things. The person most likely to be attractive to the opposite sex is the person who most enjoys living their lives...

This thread is probably already dead but I'll contribute anyway... I think there are two ways to go with low self esteem - trying all those dozens of ways to help improve how you see yourself (positive thinking etc), or working at not seeing yourself at all. I find that when I try and improve how I see myself I have good days and bad days - my self esteem goes up and down like a yo-yo. After doing this for many years and always trying different approaches I realise it doesn't work and will never really improve things - it will always be a struggle. The answer is learning to take yourself out of the equation. Because a person with low self esteem is a selfish person. When such a person goes into a room are they thinking "how are these people?", no - they are thinking "how do these people see me?", "what can I do to make these people like me?" etc etc. It is self involvement and a downward spiral. Much better is the person who enters the room without even really being aware of themselves - they interact with each person genuinely, with no hidden agenda of trying to raise or protect their self image. It all sounds very buddhist (and in some ways it is) but I really believe it is the only way. It's like Billy Jean mentioned - how seeing a handicapped person put things in perspective. Just for that moment the preoccupation with 'me' went away... Just another perspective...

Depends where he went in Australia - if he's gone to the middle of nowhere (like Broome or Darwin or the Alice) there may not be an internet cafe on every street corner... At the same time (and depending on what he had to get done when he got there) maybe he's just super busy. Bare in mind that most guys are a little absent minded when it comes to other people - maybe he's just a little distracted by things and will contact you when it dawns on him that you might be worrying about him (never underestimate the male capacity for self-involvement and emotional ignorance) "Huh? You wanted me to call you straight away?"

Rubbish. Is someone cares about you they wouldn't make you cry on purpose - but the simple reality of relationships is that sometimes things get rough. Relationships means EMOTIONS - both good and bad. If you never get upset or cry with someone then I'd wonder how you really felt about someone. I remember going out with someone once and we both commented that we were really good together because we never fought or upset each other - it wasn't until much later that we realised it was a bad sign - a sign there was no real passion or involvement between us. A friend may not make you cry but a partner almost certainly will at somepoint merely because you are vulnerable to them, attached to them and affected so much by the things they do or say.

For every short bald guy there is a short fat girl - and for every Paris Hilton there is a girl who wants someone to spend time with regardless of how they look. The older you get the more you'll find that both sexes stop caring about appearances and care more about how someone makes them feel.

And exactly what brand of Crack have you been smoking? What alarms me the most is that you are female OceanEyes and can still say such crap. I don't know the full story, have not had time to go back to the original posts, but there are MANY reasons why someone may show a fear of intimacy: abuse, issues etc. And NOT all women want to jump into the sack because they like a guy... Mores the pity....

You're doing it to yourself man... Stop the negative thoughts, don't ALLOW yourself to hold ideas in your head that will stuff you up. Each time you realise you have a thought like 'I'm going to look like a loser" consciously try to think of something else - even if it's a picture of a horse or something silly. It's called Cognitive Therapy - the idea being that the thoughts you let into your head affect you as much as if there was someone standing in front of you and saying the same things. I.e.- you talk yourself down and you will get down... Think of more helpful things like - if she didn't want to see me she wouldn't call, if she really didn't like me she could just not talk to me etc etc PRETEND you're confident...step up man - how you approach your fear could dictate the rest of your life

Antigravity, You sound like how I was in my first year of Uni. I thought I was the elephant man and couldn't imagine anyone ever liking me. On the few occasions that I did get some attention I ran screaming because at the back of my mind I figured "Better that they like me from a distance rather than hating me up close". That sort of attitude is being a chicken-sh*t and if you allow that attitude to stick around you will wake up one day and find you are a middle aged man who has lived in fear all his life, that your life is one of a series of missed opportunities. Life is about rejection my friend - learning to deal with it. It will happen no matter what you do so trying to avoid it is just plain silly. Trust me - I'm 30 and single. I look back on my life and realise what a mess I've made of it because I was so concerned about rejection and my self doubts. Do something about it now - even though it might scare the crap out of you. If you start allowing fear to control your life it is only a matter of time until your life is no longer yours. Work out ways to conquer your fear and be who YOU want to be. Start now as it takes a LONG time and you're only getting older. I know it sounds condescending but trust me - when you are older and look back you will realise what a stupid bastard you are being now.