IDer89

Hey baby, did you like my flowers? I know you always liked it when I got you flowers, I know I've been the only boy thats ever done that for you. How's everything going with the business? I know you're stressed but this season looks amazing and I think it's going to do so well. I saw T got a job finally, looks exciting. I think I can take something away at the moment that you haven't filled out your JDate profile, maybe you're saving it for something a little bit more serious and you're just using Tinder as a bit of fun, something to distract you. Maybe you think you'll get catfished - I don't know, it hurts still....

You haven't thanked me for the flowers. At the very least you could just send a quick message, even if it's just to be polite. I keep making excuses for you like "oh maybe she didn't see that the box was for her" and then my mind spirals out of control in to "maybe she didn't see that box because she had a date not long before she got home from work" I just don't understand how three years of being together has ended like this. I know we've had our ups and downs and after we left London things were difficult. We still had a lot of amazing memories in New York but I know we were happiest when we were together in London. Putting that aside though this is the longest we've not communicated with each other since the night we met. Thats 1035 days give or take that we've had some form of communication with each other. I had a driving lesson today, I know its terrible that at 24 I still can't drive and you desperately needed me to do it. But here I am, trying to pick up my own life and accomplish something for me and all I want to do is text you to tell you how it went. Ugh I just miss you so much and I keep thinking about all of the things we are never going to do together again or moments that we enjoyed together so much. I just want to know whats happened to you. Where is the girl that need me to hug her and tell her it was all going to be ok?

Ugh I just want to talk to you. I just want to ask how your day is going. I know you have your photoshoot and all you would have probably said to me was "hey baby, urgh so stressful" or tell me that you're annoyed by something or someone. That your mum criticised something. Anything, just some form of normal contact with you. I just feel so lonely without you and all I want is to have some form of normal conversation with you. Yeah I still want to know all the stuff about this apartment thats meant to be happening but just for a day I want to forget that this mess ever happened and everything we planned, everything we worked towards was still on track. Not that you're family is happier I'm gone, that you're going on dates with people and that your parents are finally getting you your own apartment.

I just want to know what's going through your mind. What does this all mean to you? Are you upset? Do you miss me? Do you still think about me and the things we did together? I think I’ve screwed up. At least this is a reason for you to be angry with me where as before all I’d done is moved away which to you appears to be reason enough to cut me out. I shouldn’t have logged in to your account, and kept doing it. I know once I found out you had made an account and had been speaking to these guys that it should have been enough and it’s not exactly excusable to keep doing it. I shouldn’t have kept logging on and reading your messages I guess in a way though it was a window into your life, if only for a week. I got to know some of the things you were doing that otherwise I would have never have found out. It was nice to read what you did at the weekend with regards to taking your brothers to the movies but thats just daily stuff. Finding out some of your bigger plans for the upcoming months was the eye opener. I’m still thrown off by this apartment talk and really don’t understand what changed in your parents mind. The only real explanation was that it was a case of getting me out of the picture. I don’t know what is crueller though, that they were just tolerating me and allowing you to see me whilst I was there - stringing you along with the investment excuse for not paying your rent or that as soon as I leave everything changes. I’d still feel as though this might have also been a deal breaker too. I know I’ve been a stalker and I’m not proud of my actions. I know it’s not helped me heal. It helped with remaining in no contact with you though and in a way understand a little of your mood. If I hadn’t have done it I probably would have been texting you or trying to call you. At least this way I got to see a window into a life/person that I’m now so isolated from. I wasn’t too worried about some of the guys you had been talking to. You even said it yourself that you have been using Tinder when you are bored - I guess the times where you would have been talking to me or previously where we would have spent time together. A lot of them weren’t too desirable and definitely not people you’d be introducing to your parents. Especially 34 year old David that lives in the basement of a family home in New Jersey. But the one you spoke to this morning. He has got me scared and if my instincts are right, which they have been about most things this week - is that you’ll soon be in some sort of relationship with him or at least go on more than one date. He is definitely a serious contender in winning your heart. I mean he’s Jewish, American, used to work at Google and now works for a start-up, he’s only 27 and is fairly decent looking. He shares a lot of similar qualities to me - you will freak out when you find out he studied Industrial Design which may be something that unsettles you. Is this going to be similar to our relationship? Will once you have your new apartment have him come over most evenings to fill the lonely void? Now I’m more nervous about the flowers I sent you. It’s my own fault for getting overzealous with logging on to your account but you finding that out the day before a bunch of roses is scheduled to arrive at your door? I’m just going to look like an idiot when all I really wanted to do was wish you well and remind you that there is still someone that cares about you here. Now I feel as though I’m going to be cast into the same boat as Alyssa, undesirable number one and the laughing stock of yourself and your family for years to come. All because I couldn’t get a visa. People keep telling me that even if I had managed to come back in October us breaking up was inevitable because you would have been able to let the love you have for me shine through and that there may have been other problems. Part of me believes them and part of me doesn’t. I know we’ve had this visa thing over our heads for so long now and had to say goodbye to each other at airports way too many times but we’ve been through too much and created to many happy memories for us to end in the way that we have done. Then part of me that believes them thinks that perhaps you did want to break up with me, that there has been outside input from Ale and your parents. Is what you're doing just rebounding? Looking for a new guy to fill the void that I left? I thought I knew you so well but the person I’ve seen this last week really confuses me. I’m lonely and I feel I have no purpose. I am not looking forward to the future because I know it is going to take me a very long time to get over you. Theres so much that reminds me of you and I just don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.

So you've made a Tinder profile as well? Thats just low but in all honesty I'm not that mad or worried really. I'll get in to why I think you're doing it in a minute but some of these guys you're talking to - do you think your parents would ever let you bring some of them home or go out on a date with them? The guy you've talked to the most is 35. That's an 11 year age gap, he's older than Josh and he's using an app to pick up women. I don't know whether it's because they didn't like me but your dad ran a security check on a guy I was sharing an apartment with. Do you think they're going to let you meet some of these men? As much as your parents are incredibly over bearing and controlling, right now I'm glad of it. Although in a way maybe you should meet these guys and realise what you're missing in me. There was a reason we spent so long together, it's because I got you. I know who you are and what you are in to. You'll be hard pressed to find another person like that. Even with your illness, how can you go to dinner with someone new when most food makes you sick? Actually do it, at least it will bring the evening to a close quicker. Are you using this app because you're filling a void that was left by me? I left physically a while ago but you still had the communication and interaction throughout your day. Is this how you're trying to move on? To gain validation for yourself? Finally, how come you're now allowed an apartment after 18 months of your parents flat out refusing? Is that just a white lie to these Tinder guys or is it true? It's a big coincidence that I leave and now it's happening. Did they just not do it because they thought I'd be living with you all the time? It's obvious I would have been over a lot but it hurts that they think I'd be using you for what you have, I only ever wanted to spend time with you, most of the time at your request. I'd even have paid some rent like we planned originally. At least if this is true, it confirms that they never really liked me in the end. I'd like to know when it happened if it is true. Was it at some point in these five weeks or was it when we broke up? Was this something your parents suggested with the promise of better things whilst I was out of the picture. I don't know which to believe, that this is just a lie to not admit you're still with your parents or a bigger picture that impacts our entire break up? I don't know how you intend to get yourself back out there and introduce someone new in to your life. You can be quite crazy at times with a lot of your ways. Don't get me wrong you're an amazing amazing girl but there's a lot of things that would freak someone out. Your anxiety for one and how you make every problem in to a bigger deal than it is. The control your parents and family hold over you. You're not an adult in anyway, shape or form whilst they're bank rolling you. From what I can see you'll end up like Alex and have your parents still paying for you when you're so close to thirty. Then there is your issues around sex, how can you go to bed with a guy when you think the whole world has some form of disease? I'm just hurt by this really. I hope my instincts are right and that this is just filling some sort of hole that I left. That you're getting the 'trying new things' crap out of your system. Will you come back to me though in a few weeks or months telling me you made a mistake? I don't think I could see you in the same light knowing what you got up to in the days after our break up. Yet here I am still in love, still thinking about you every second. I just know IF we did get back together after the honeymoon period there would be a lot of trust issues. I'd feel I'd need to punish you, make you text them all and tell them the truth that you just broke up with a guy and shouldn't have been messaging them.

Why are you doing this to us? We were together for almost three years. I have been there for you every step of the way and left my entire family and way of life behind so that we could be together. You tell me you were there for the journey and I know you were and I appreciate you for it but nothing has changed in your life. You have a huge family that loves you, live in an incredible apartment in one of the most exciting cities on this planet. You've never had to struggle, never had to skip a meal because your bank balance was so low. Everything that you have ever wanted you get. I know you did a lot for me but I did an incredible amount for you too. I was the first person by your bedside on numerous occasions when you were in the hospital. I comforted you and when you asked me if I still wanted to be with you because you always got sick I'd tell you not to be ridiculous and that I love you with all my heart. How can you treat me like this? To cut me off all together. I had to move away, I didn't want to but I tried my hardest to make it work. I am still trying my hardest to make it work for us. I thought you could have given us longer than five weeks to test this out and see how it goes. You say you told me you didn't want to do a long distance relationship but c'mon, we have so much history together for you to just break up with me and cut all ties? Thats so heartless. Has this come from your mum? Ale? Tyler even? I know you, I know that when those people plant seeds you let it grow in your mind. Why didn't you tell me how you were feeling sooner? We could have worked through this together and found a way through this. Or has this been something you've been wanting to do for a long time and just couldn't because I was there, you enjoyed my company? Has me leaving made it all that more easier? But then why have I still been the one you call when something goes wrong, when Eric messes up the logo or your mum questions what you are doing with the business? Finally, why has everything been so sudden? You rarely ever use Facebook yet the day after you break up with me you change your relationship status and take down the photo of us. Cropping me out of the picture you did use is a real kick in the teeth too. That is one of the best pictures of us together, it is so candid and you can see so clearly I'm saying something to try and make you laugh. Yes, you look great in it but to use it as your 'single' picture and crop me out, really? You tell me how busy you are, that you have a lot on your plate and want to just do you for a while. So how come you created a dating profile? You know that site scared me to death because I know how easily you'll be able to find someone. Is that what you wanted all along? Someone Jewish? I thought you didn't want to be like everyone else on the UES? But to the point how can you even be thinking about getting out there so quickly? You only broke up with me on Monday and you signed up on Wednesday. We were together for so long and spent nearly everyday together. How have you gotten over me so quickly? I really just don't know where the person I spent almost three years of my life has gone. I don't know who this person you've become this week is. Maybe you think you're being strong, forging ahead but I know the real you. The one that craves comfort and attention. The girl that loved nothing more than to have me cuddle her. Where is she? Am I going to ever see her again? Once things calm down will she make an appearance? Will she try and contact me again when she needs support? I just cannot believe after everything we have been through that you're cutting me out of your life like this.