Jut

I was in an almost similar situation about 2 years ago. " I want some time to figure things out" This in my scenario meant( and going by the conversations u had with her for u as well) that she had/has another guy and right now shes trying to see which of these is a "better deal". I was able to figure it out and get out of that situation. Its understandable if someone wants some time to understand their own feelings. But more often people also tend to keep an emotional back up, hence all the talk of "you are so good and I am so **ty" and " i love you ". And you dont want to be that back up coz once its not required it would be relegaged to a "friend status".

One year after the break up with my ex, yesterday, I was sitting with my sort of new gf. THe sort of means I am not as easily emotinally invloved as I once got but the story goes this way. So I am sitting with the new lady in my arms and I hear my phone beeping and blinking. Its a message. " Hey how r u sorry bout the email, i know its weird but i thght abt what happened while i was in jp and how i behaved. wanted to know how u r". Then 10 secs later... "PS ...its XXXX, the crazy girl you knew last year". Then I see the phone number and I realize who that is. I had gone through lot of pain in my healing. Months of sleepless nights, hours of not doing anything but thinking and feeling like my brain is going to burst, ignoring my health, my work. My self esteem had taken a nosedive. Then one day it started to hurt less and less, like a fractured bone in your hand is healing since you stopped moving it. I was thining less and less about her. I realized the negatives that I didnt see earlier. Not only negatives in the other party but within myself. Was that thing that I did right? Should I have kept quite that time etc etc. Made me more confident. I started working out, going out, getting hobbies, meeting people and I am at the stage now where it doesnt matter if she texts me or calls me or if shes with someone else. I am not angry at her,but i dont want to have any contacts either. I am one of those who believes whatever happened is for the best. So believe my friends, all those who are going through this exruciating pain on which you dont have any control. The best medicine is to endure it, believe at the end you will feel better, you will come out as the person who is likable , who is still worth so much to a lot of people. It might take some time but in the end you will be happy.

"Oh, forgot a funny/interesting part- during our Sunday visit she tells me that another reason not to be friends is because *she* would be *tempted* to sleep with me, and that might not be good for me." This is just a bait to see if you fall for it, she just wants to check if you are hanging in the background for her or not. But others things aside i think you are a sensible person. Who would like to be in a relationship with this kind of girl and probably she herself knows that and so do other guys whom she thinks she has a spark with. Go out and enjoy, thanking god that you didnt get caught in this web of hers.

I agree with Kellbell. If somebody is not treating you the way you deserve its more wrong to be in the relationship. How can you label every dumper selfish? Noone should hurt themselves for pleasing others. For example in this case Kel tried for all the while-and generally women give us all the signals, we men just ignore them, although this too is a generalization-- but there is a point wherein you dont see any results and have to move on. Learning depends upon yourself, whether the dumper or the dumpee, not who did it.

"In the game of love, there is only 1 parachute. It hurts a lot less if you leave first; the other one goes down with the plane."" I liked the analogy, but from my experience i would like to add a bit to it. 1)The one who stays on the plane (and MAY be goes down with it) will surely survive just like the one who bailed out first. It might hurt more thogh. 2) During this time mwhen he/she is alone in the plane they will do everythign to make it work, but after the crash they will have a better understanding of how to make this kind of plane work whenever they get a fresh one. SO find peace my friend, you are the winner i guess, you know how to steer the plane of a new relationship better than those who bailed out. PS: And in case that plane is also going down, you might be the first one to know when to bail out.

Great news Standtall! I think this would give hope to lot of people.

"I had some warning signals of his lack of backbone/penchant for confusion AT THE BEGINNING and in between, but I ignored them or dealt with them wrongly" This is a great thing you observed/learned. I guess this is what i also learned from my break up. There were signals at the beginning , but i ignored those signs coz i was pushing myself to be in love with an incompatible person. Totally different values and thoughts about things. But i guess it did make me matire enough for future relationhips, to know what i want.

You are giving up yourself in his hands to play around. He calls you/emails you to keep you as a back up. Go out enjoy your life, its good yourealized your mistakes but think hard about it and he might be wrong at places too. Either ways, work on yourself and make yourself free of this emotioanl trap and before you know you will find love, may be with him may be with someone else.

Wow, Not many have the courage to speak well of the exes (whatever situation they might have been in ). Good to know that it gave you peace. I think i learnt a bit from your post today. Thanks.

Thanks for the advice guys. I asked her out today, "WOuld you like to hang out on saturday", she said she has to work all week. The usual stuff to turn someone down, Iappreciate the offer but...I am flattered but etc. May be i misread the signal.

Jadtt I would like to know how you would feel if someone with you is unhappy and cheats on you for the same justification you gave? I do understand that being unhappy is one of the primary reasons but cheating on someone to find that "There is better out there" does not quite fit it. Do you think you could hav ebeen more happy breaking up and then cheating. In any case i think are a good person coz rarely do people admit they have done something they feel guilty of(or they think is wrong).

Hello people I generally go to get smoothies and this girl , who i like, works there. Of late we are having a the small talk and i feel like i should ask her out . On the new years eve as i was paying for my stuff she asked me what are my plans for new year and i said "Club hopping with friends, what are you doing?". She said shes gonna sit home and watch TV and that shes boring . I asked her that she can hang out with us if she wants. She thought for a min and then said that she appreciates the offer but shall stay home. This morning i go again and before i leave we exchanged pleasenteries..good weekend etc.. and she asks me what are my plans for weekend. I tell her that il just be hanging out(but didnt ask her out ). Should i read ne thing into this? Should i ask her out ? Shes probably in college while im working so the age gap of at least 7 years would be there. Not sure what to do. What do ya'll nice men and women suggest?

Wrong decision my friend. Wait for a few days and you will realize that Liz would dump you harder this time. I hope im wrong but im also amazed why you are deliberately trying so hard to hurt yourself. Liz is doing all this to overcome jealousy. If she had feelings for you why would she break up saying the Flame is gone. She wasnt your friend earlier and wont be a good one now. Had she been a good "friend " she would have allowed you to move on and be fine with that.

I agree, overdressing for interview wont harm you. I had a third interview in person(the previous two were on phone) and i went in business suit. Although my interviewer was a senior manager in Jeans and cardigens. But make sure u dont under dress. For the second interview, if they alreadyhave had tecnical interview before this, they might ask you qstns like. What is your long term goal? How do you define your strengths? Any experience related questions etc etc.. Generally going for a second interview(and a second date) means they are interested and they would try to talk about their company, practice, growth etc. Be confident and relaxed, answer questions in a clear tone , I am sure you will hit the ball out of the ground for a home run. Good luck.

Bkjsun Have you ever thought of talking to a counseller or a therapist? It could be depression but it might not be as well. May be you are lacking some chemicals or stuff. What i am saying is it seems that the problem here which you stated is more or less related to ur depression. Fro mwhat i see it looks like this was a relationship wherein two people who were looking for a savior for themselves ran into each other. It could be that she wanted someone strong since she had the same abandoned childhood, someone to take care of her etc, and since you faced a a tough childhood ,subconsciously you also wanted someone to "understand" you and 'love' you. THe intial thing clicked but the layer beneath wanted a "provider", an emotioanal provider and since both of you were looking to each other this didnt work out. Generally women are more clear then men in what they want out of a relationship. My advice to you would be to analyze your issues with someone and become strong (as your signature says), so that you can enjoy ur relationship with the next person in ur life, or may be this girl when she comes back.