Kristen Mcgee

That is my whole problem, when it comes to this guy I think with my heart instead of my head and I just do not have any control. If I could think logically with my head I don't think I would be in this big mess.

I have to say that I already know what I am doing is wrong, but my relationship with my husband has had its problems even before my ex entered the picture. So I know the advice of working on my marriage is a great one, but at this point I'm not sure my marriage is what I want, really whether my ex was in the picture or not. So I guess in this post I am just more interested in wondering what my ex is feeling and why he is playing this tug of war with me? Thanks for all your advice.

Its more then just liking his attention. The truth is if I had a chance with him, I would go for it, I have held on to feelings for this man for over 9 years and now that he is in my life sort of, if I had the opportunity I would try to see if what I feel in my heart and head is real. So him doing this back and forth thing to me is killing me.

you are right about my marriage problems and I am planning on figuring things out there as I know my feelings for my husband are not what they should be. So I already know that and at this point I am trying to figure out what the deal is with my ex so I can work through these feelings as well.

I would like to hear from everyone but especailly some guys as to what they think about this situation and what this guy is thinking? Here it goes over 9 years ago me and this guy were almost engaged, we broke up because of the distance between us, there was no other problem. We both got married to different people 1 year after our break up. He married his high school sweetheart, I married a 'new person.' My ex and I continued to talk all the way up to when I got married, he got married a few months after me. (During these talks he was very 'distant' from me, he would only call me and tell me that he 'still loves me' when he had been drinking', but during 'regular hours' he would call me but would be so cold and mean) He is 30 and I am 31. SO we both got married and lived our lives and we are still both married with children. He tells me he is happily married and I am in a relatively happy marriage. Throughout the years I had never forgotten about him, and many things reminded me of him, well a few months back I received an email from him. Come to find out all these years he also thought about me as well. So somehow our talks turned into this very intense online/phone affair. We were both out of control like 2 teenagers. We admitted to each other that over the years we had thought of each other and he even said he wonders about the 'what if's and wonders if maybe all those years ago if one of us had maybe said one thing differently then maybe things would be different. So this contact continued for a couple of weeks and he finally said that as much feelings as he has for me, we have to stop contact. He said he feels he is living a double life and he believed thinking about me is ok but talking all the time was not right. He also said he had made his decision to marry his wife and was committed and loved her. He said If we were both single we know what the solution would be but at this point we need to be happy with what we have. Then he went further to say he was sorry he had hurt me, but he cared for me very much and wanted to keep in touch for life updates every once in a while but it should stop there. Infact I mentioned seeing each other and he said as much as he wanted to it was wrong and that seeing each other would be like making plans to cheat. These words from him hurt so much, just like when we had first broken up, but I tried to take it day by day, so a month or so past and we were emailing each other once a week, trying to keep it more on a friendship level and then things changed again, he started to contact me more not everyday, but the emails became more "i was just thinking about you', etc, a few IM messages etc., a few phone calls. So that is where things are now and I just don't understand him anymore. Can any of you esp the guys shed some light as to what this guy is feeling, what he wants and why he is doing this to me? I wish I could just get amnesia and forget I ever met him, because this is not how life is supposed to be. I mean I keep holding on to hope that maybe he does care about me and feel for me the way I do for him, and that is why he keeps coming back but I don't get it.

I don't think you did anything wrong here. You have told me that you still have some feelings for him, so now the ball is in his court. He knows that you may still have some feelings for him ,so see where he goes from here. I wouldn't show anymore emotion from this point on though, until you get something from him first. Life is too short, he may feel the same about you and if you hadn't told him, you may have ended up regretting in the end. This way you can't say, I wish I had done this later...no matter how things work out.

I have wondered that also, that even if I was with my ex after 8 years would I then get bored again. Who knows? Is my problem that I am just bored or is it truly that there is something lacking in my feelings towards my husband hence I can't forget about the ex. Really I would like to get partial amnesia and completely forget my ex and any feelings I may have towards him.

To be honest with you, I am not planning on telling my husband, because I don't think he could deal with it. I know I couldn't deal with him telling me that after 8 years of marriage he still thinks and has always thought of his ex. At this point, I won't be running of with my ex because that is not an option for my ex. I hate to say it as I would probably try with my ex if I had the chance, because its something I have wanted for so long. Either way that is not a choice here. As far as my husband goes, yes he is a good husband. I mean I have my issues with him , but the one thing I do know is that he truly loves me. I am the love of his life, and I wish that he was the love of my life, but unfortunately my ex was the love of my life and nothing seems to change that.

You are right that all along I have been content with my life but not as happy as I feel like I could've been. At every turn I have questioned my feelings for my husband. Thats exactly what I think that this is a problem I will never be able to resolve. My child is 4, so you are right he is young and I don't want to do anything to hurt him. He is the joy of my life. I should add that this is the second time we have been incontact in the last 8 years. I contacted him about 5 years ago and we talked and became very intense for a few months, but at the time his wife was pregnant and this time he contacted me. As far as my ex, we truly had a something real back then and we were very honest when we spoke this time about our feelings. I even said to him the same thing, "how could we still think of each other after all these years, marriage, kids and he said that all he can say is that apparently we never got over each other and if things were different we would definitely be together." He told me that even prior to us talking I was always an active part of him. But yet he can shut the door and just live his life. We made the mistake of telling each other that we probably still love each other and always will. He said that he realizes that what we had was so real and he knows that he will always feel like this for me but we have to be devoted to our families. I so respect him for this, and as much as I want him to tell me that he wants to be with me, I know this will not ever be. So I don't have an option to be with him, but now I just don't know how to move on with my life. I just want to be happy but I can't seem to find the path... So I do believe that deep down he really does have some strong feelings for me. He actually told me. IS he also bored with his marriage or something else? I don't know. I mean we both even tried to discuss this but could never really come up with an answer. Why does this guy affect me like this, I just don't get it!

I just don't get it. I am now married and have been for 8 years with a child. Before I got married, I had recently broken up with my ex fiance, so I was probably on the rebound when I got married, but I figured that with time things would resolve. Well here it is 9 years later, and my ex who is also happily married with kids contacted me 2 months ago. We started talking and very fast it turned into an intense online/phone relationship. It felt to both of us like we had never been apart. Over the years he was always in my thoughts and I found out that the feeling was mutual. Anyways after a month of this talking we, esp he decided we couldn't go on like this. We were both married and had families and we needed to somehow slow down the contact. Even though we knew how much we both still care for each other, we have to simply be happy with what we have. So now we email each other once in a while, just so we don't loose touch. This was again his idea. Anyways, since all this, I feel completley lost and broken all over again, like 9 years ago. My question to you is this? How could it be that after all these years, marriage, kids, career and more, this one person could affect me still the way he does? How could I still have such strong emotions for this person? I have tried to justify to myself that it is a fantasy of who I think he is and etc.. I was only 20 back then, I wouldn't seem him the same now etc.. but nothing seems to really work, because deep inside I know that I have some true ties to him. I mean my heart is shattered and every morning that I open my eyes, I don't look forward to another day of heart break. And honestly I don't know how I am ever going to get over him now as if 9 years has not worked, I don't think another 9 will help. I am so destroyed inside. Thanks for listening

What you said is exactly right. I am really trying to forget about my ex trust me and I have my good days and then I have my really bad days. Infact as soon as I feel like I am doing better, the next day I am totally in the dumps again. I was sitting here thinking, honestly how could I be in such a mess at 30. I mean it has been 9 years, how can this guy affect me like this after all this time. Before my ex contacted me, yes my husband and I had our problems, but I was so focused on the right things and now I am having such a hard time. To be really honest, if I had the choice to be with my ex I would probably go for it, and I know many don't like to hear that, but that is the truth from my heart. But in a sense I am lucky as my ex, has told me that if things were different we would be together, but now there is no chance as he has a family that he cares for. I do respect him for that and I do care for my family, but I guess he cares for his wife more then I do for my husband. I know I made the decision to marry my husband and I owe it to him and my child to try and make things work and I am really trying, but I know that deep down in my heart I can't forget about my ex. I know every decision I make will effect my family, but sometimes I think that life is too short. Is it fair to my husband who loves me dearly, that his wife has feelings for another even 9 years later? My answer to that is no as I told my ex. I feel as though even though I was never physically in contact with my ex, this emotional feeling and constant thoughts of one another is worst an affair then the physical in some sense. I am seriously thinking about counseling, because I don't know how else to really move on, as my head is a mess. But it has to be counseling on my own as I can't tell my husband about this. I just don't get it, how can I still be affected by someone so hard after 9 years that I have not even seen.

If you already realize that then, I would say in some way and as much as you may love this person you realize that you are not ready to take on this persons kids. You are young and at 26 there is alot for you left to do and it is a huge responsibility to take on someone elses kids. But in the same make sure if you loose this person because of the kids you don't live to regret it the rest of your life. This is coming from someone who broke up with my ex bf 9 years ago because I didn't want to move to the state where he was and here I am 9 years later, married happily but still regret my decision and would do things so differently if I had another chance. Either way you really should think hard about this.

When I was younger, in my early 20's I would have said 'no way' without a doubt. But now I was recently in contact with my ex, who was my 'love'. We are both married with kids. He has 3, I have 1, and initially I thought to myself, well no way ,would I take on his 3 kids if there was ever the chance, but now honestly, I have loved this guy for 9 years and I think that I would take on his 3 kids. My situation is different and I won't ever actually have to make such a decision. But it does boil down to how much you love this person and if you are really ready. Because I believe you are right, no matter what kids change the realm of the relationship.

If you really feel as though there is no future for the two of you, even though it is going to be really hard, just try to slowly let go. If you have to still see him and be in the relationship then do so, but slowly let go. Hang out with him a little less and maybe you can slowly start to let go. Because let me tell you from experience that if you continue in this relationship, you are going to wake up years down the line and realize what a mistake you had made and the hurt that you have to go through now, is worth the fact that there is someone else out there for you. And if you stay with this guy you will not meet 'the one' and you will wake up years down the road, maybe too late and realize what you should have done along time ago. I know it hurts and it is so hard, but if you know in your heart there is no future then remember life is tooo short.

I know you are right. I do care alot for my husband, but I don't love him with all my heart and soul and probably never have, I guess I settled. I don't feel vibrant and alive when I am with him. We live a normal, daily, routine life. My ex was my first love and forever love and I just can't stop thinking of him. But in the same I also know that I can't have my ex, so I want to make things work with my husband but I just can't seem to get my ex out of my mind. I know this is selfish, but I have to make my marriage work for my son. Infact I told my ex the exact same thing: "Is it fair for our spouses that we are living like this, we are with them but we are thinking of someone else after all these years, even when we are not in contact we still think of each other?" That is why I wanted a chance to see my ex so we could figure this all out once and for all. But he does not want to see me as he thought seeing each other meant cheating. Well to me we were already cheating and really if we think of each other as much as we do it is cheating also. The crazy response my ex had was" talking to each other on a regular basis, was wrong, but thinking of me on a regular basis he thought was ok, as they were his thoughts - does that make any sense? I mean how can he deal with that? Because I am having a really hard time" So, I know I am being selfish, since I can't have my ex, I have to try and make things work with my husband if not for anthing else then for our son and 'family. But I just wonder how my thoughts of my ex will ever diminish, I mean after 9 years I have not forgotten him, where do I go now.... I am so lost