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confusedashell

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About confusedashell

  • Birthday 05/31/1978

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  1. I moved from the UK to Sweden for my wife. I understand how you feel. It's a process that takes its toll on you mentally and physically and it's difficult for your partner to comprehend just how much this effects you. My wife would always tell me that she understood, but the reality is, theres no way she could. Moving abroad, learning a new language, trying to find a job, having no real friends, trying to adapt to the new culture and country and trying to do all this basically alone is difficult at best. Some people are lucky enough to work for companies which can place them abroad and fix everything they'll need there. When that doesn't happen, its rough at best. I can tell you that I went through the same as you did. Mentally, I was exhausted. Worry about almost everything. Work, money, future. Worried what would happen if we split up and I ended up left in a country alone. Over time I have made friends, gotten work and so on, but it's still difficult to be here sometimes. All this does take its toll on your marriage. It's a pressure most others don't have to go through. Having a wife that has some serious personal problems isn't helping your marriage either. I think you need to ask yourself do you love her? Truly. Do you want it all to work? If yes for both I'd suggest councelling and lots of it both for her to work through her issues with her past and herself and then for you and your marriage. Sounds like you really need to TALK. Sit down and talk it all out. On the other hand, if you don't love her. Then I suggest getting a divorce and moving home or moving out a.s.a.p. Good luck!
  2. we had a good bit of PMing back then right mate? It took awhile. even after we started to "reconcile" it took MONTHS before we got back together. 5 months was when she wanted us to fix it all up. It took about almost a year before we got back together officially I even went out with another woman (didn't have sex or anything) because I thought I couldn't accept her back after the way she was. LOTS of talking and trust building went on and eventually we just decided to give it a go again and it all worked.
  3. Present! Broke up for about 5 months (her doing). Eventually got back together and everythings going great!
  4. You seem to be on the mend though even if you cant see it yourself mate! I know Im repeating myself here but honestly it is too soon to be making any real speculations about how your gf is feeling and what will happen. Everything and I really do mean everything your gf is doing: my wife done the very same! She said the same things, acted the same way, treated me the same way and so on so forth. Maybe right now she really does not feel like coming back. The fact that she acts like this is nothing sort of points to she has not really thought about o dealt with all this for her own side. So do hang on there. But again assume its all over and just focus on you. Regardless of the outcome that is what you need to do. When you do meet your wife be upbeat and postive. Do give her some real space. Be supportive of what she's doing in her personal life. The day will come when you both sit down and talk about your relationship. You just need to be patient and in the mean time get on with your own life. Hell, maybe if she decides she wants to fix it, you'll not be interested? who knows! its very early "in the game" to see anything clearly. Suggest to her you all spend one day every week or two weeks together as a family. Doesnt matter if you're not together: you're still a family. Its for the girls best that you have a good day out together or even just some dinner together.
  5. If you're worried about the contact with your daughters you should do something at this early stage. I don't know just how worried you are over this but if she is really being that neglectful of the relationships your daughters have with you then maybe you could arrange something legally? don't have to go to court but something so you know that you have them so and so and she has them then and then? One week each maybe? Do you live close to oneanother??
  6. damn mate, thats rough! sorry to hear this! Sounds like she wants to see if the grass is greener..which it most cases is not. I think at this point, its best to just get her out of your system. And dont fall for any of her nonsense later. Going off for a weekend with some male friend right in the middle of all this is unacceptable. Doesn't matter what her reasons or even if he *is* just a friend, its putting you in a postion and she shouldnt do that. Not at this early stage. Hell, you were together a long time and you have a family together. You're still a young guy and sorting your life out in a real quick and good way so I've no doubts you'll meet some great woman later on! Yeah like the other poster said: go and get some woman for a night. No strings, just one night and that will help you see there is other women out there for you You're doing VERY well! You've become an entirly new person and reinvented yourself completely these last few weeks! Hats off to you! I wish I could get my act together like you did! I've no doubts you'll be fine and maybe in a year or two even think this was a blessing in disguise! And trust me, sooner or later your gf will regret what she threw away! Not a doubt in my head. You seem like a real decent guy with your families interests ahead of your own. Thats admirable! Keep doing what you're doing: fixing up your personal and economic situation and then go have some fun! Maybe go away for a weekend with some friends? Sure over there in USA theres some great things to do! And maybe another weekend so away with your daughter? Just you and her! Just get out and have fun. Don't do anything to make her jealous, just do everything to make yourself happy and content! At this point, she's not worth it. Get her out of your head like "that". The sooner the better. I know right now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel seems far off, but its not. Its just shocks to the system every time she does something you are not used to. Soon enough you wont even care enough to think about it for more than a few seconds! I mean it: Hats off to you!! You're doing exceptionally well!
  7. Agreed! Don't do anything that you'll later regret! Things are going very well despite it not being so apparent. My wife acted the very same, the coldness and the distance, for months! She hasnt moved on, so dont do it either yet. If you go out with some woman now it will set you back 20 paces and it'll all be in vein because I doubt very much that any new female would last longer than a couple of months right now. Its obvious you're gf is really confused now. Shes reaching out and then pulling back. You must be doing something right. Yes its fustrating not to see any real results, but they are there. Let her alone for now. Dont force anything. Keep on bettering yourself like you're doing. The time will come when you both do sit down and talk about your relationship, it will. You cant go 13 years with someone and never talk about it again. Next time she comes to get the girls, ask her if she wants a coffee or something. Be very postive and upbeat (but not insanely happy ) and the topic might come up. Dont mention other men or women. Looks to me like things are moving the way you want them too!
  8. wow that is rough! I found out my father was having an affair with a woman in a different country (he works abroad a lot). At first I said nothing since I had no serious proof but later when i found something that was difficult to deny I confronted him about it. He of course denied it and laughed it off. I couldnt do really anything about it. Well, long story short, my mother found out about it and it pretty much killed her. She was very ill at the time and she became so upset about it she stopped eating. She eventually died. I am not blaming my father entirly for this, my mother was ill for sometime before this and they had problems in their marriage for years, but I just wished I had told my mother about it so I could have helped her out with dealing with it. My father still denies the whole thing. So I think confronting your mother is a good idea. Why should you're father have to suffer later?
  9. Great! Sounds like its all starting to go in the right direction. Again, almost excatly what happened with us too. My advice is similar to what NJRon say, don't go overboard now. You're in a good position. You explained how things were, told her how you feel/felt for her and it's got her thinking. Dont get heavy with her now, but bring ip up every now and again in a kinda lighthearted way. Women cant help but like a guy who's lighthearted and able to handle situations without stress because most women are pro to stress lol! Ok maybe not, but you know what I mean Keep up with you're own personal advances too mate. This is obvious good for both you and the pural you
  10. Ok, I'm not gay so I wont even pretend to understand you and your situation, that would be an insult to you. But I can say this mate, I dont think it would be a good idea to go down this road at all. Even if you find a woman who is willing to deal with this I can assure you that she would find it very very difficult in the future. You are gay and you can't change this no matter how much you feel connected to a woman on an emotional level. You will at some point find a man you are both sexually and emotionally attracted to and this will lead to serious problems both for you and the woman you are together with. I just do not think it would be fair to you or her to get involved when the outcome is already written in stone. Sure you met just jerks so far, who hasnt? Maybe you're just in the wrong gay circles? I mean there has to be some "normal" gay people too who dont have this trait of running after everyone? Just like in the straight world. Besides all this, I really cannot fathom a woman that would get involved in a situation like this unless she has some serious self esteem issues of her own. Thats another problem you'll have to wonder about. Good Luck!
  11. Yup, thats why its best not to do anything but keep your options open. I would have done the same thing as you: waited for her to start meeting others before I did. That way, you can feel 100% you did the right thing. Its just a matter of time before you start to feel better mate. and hell, she could come back anytime. If she does then you both will need to have a serious sit down and sort out all the problems and solutions from start to finish. That wont be easy, but worth it. In anycase the best advise I can give you is the one you're already following so well: Assume the relationship is over and focus on you and your girls.. You need to have some sanity and your girls need a strong father there for them. You need to focus on yourself because from the sounds of it, you really did all for your family and wife before. Hope its some help mate! I know its easy to sit on this side of the fence and fork out advise.
  12. haha thats sadly right. we men do usually put the number up a few notches, especially when we're younger. by the time I was 20 I had sex with maybe 7 different women but of course when I met my wife, I told her I had a lot more than 7 hah. We are insecure about it and in the male world, the less women you've had, the less man you are. So dont worry about it. when it comes to talking about past relationships, lets face it: we all know we shouldnt, but we all do. Its natural curiosity mixed with insecurity. The thing to remember is: we all have a past. Deal with it. You either let it go or end the relationship. But the longer the relationship goes on, you dont even think about your partners past. I couldnt even fake an interest in my wifes ex's
  13. Sounds like your on the right path here mate! Well done! She knows you want to fix things, she knows you still love her so the balls in her court. Not much else you can do. Now you're focusing on You and your girls, thats the best thing you can do! Regardless of what happens it sounds like you'll be fine! You're over the worst part of it and passed nicely The hardest part must be the time with the girls though. Damn, thats rough. But I guess its always workable and can be just as good for the children if the parents just realise that the children are the most important. Its no doubt you are thinking of your girls first and foremost man, so hopefully you're wife will/is too. In a few years man, you'll daughters will be proud of you, thats for sure. They'll appreciate everything you did durning this time (trying to fix things etc). Thats for sure! Its great to that you're interacting with other women! Thats a great sign! Maybe its too soon to have any kind of relationship with another woman but just realising there is other great women out there will be a great help to you if you're g/f doesnt come back. If anything else mate, we are men hah, we need an ego boast Keep it up mate! And keep us all informed! Honestly, posting here and venting is a great way to get things off your chest! It helped me alot.
  14. damn mate, sorry all this is happening. Its a real hard thing to go through and even harder when you have a family together. But what you said about her actions etc. I can say my wife did the excate same thing with me. She went out, she talked to me like some guy who was calling her after meeting her out in the pub. She acted real cold about it all. Thats when I HAD to assume the relationship was done. For my own sanity! Thats what you need to do. I cant tell you she'll come back- she might not, She may have truly moved on and wont ever want to return, but she also might. Thats the problem, you just cannot predict what will happen, so your best bet is just to be a little selfish now. Start to plan your own life without her. This works two fold: It helps you move on if things truly are finished. Put her out of your mind, look forward to meeting someone else. You will get stronger. If things are dead you will have to do this sooner or later, so might aswell be now! You gotta think about your kids and whats best for them. In the end either your wife will see you as the man she fell in love with or she wont. But You also may find out that at the end of the day, you dont even want her back! Who knows what will happen. I had assumed we were done and only then when I truly started to move on did we sort it all out. Your situation sounds VERY similar to my own and in the end my wifes problems were like 40% us and 60% just herself feeling bad. it took time away from it all for her to see it. How about taking the kids for a weekend somewhere nice? just go and do something where you can all focus on just having a good time together?? Hope it all works out one way or the other for you mate. so you dont need to sit there scratching your head.
  15. I agree with NJRon..just relax and this will most likely work out the way you want it. My wife was acting excatly the same way as yours is now. A girl I knew wanted me to go out with her after a few weeks of thr break up. I almost did. But had I dont it, we would never have gotten back together. I know that now. Just hang on in there. Dont update her on your situation at all! Dont talk to her about how you feel and dont tell her whats going on in your life. Also dont ask her either. Turn the tables on her. Right now she is in control, you need to rebalance everything. Its not being cold and mean, its just ding whats best for you. Someone on here gave me a real good piece of advice when I was going through my breakup: "Assume the relationship is over". Thats the best thing to do. Only when I started to actually say to myself "its done", did things start moving with "us" again. Thats what you need to do. I know its not easy but its the best thing. Trust me, she WILL bring up the relationship. She WILL want to talk about. It just takes time. Dont put any pressure on her. Valentines is a tough one. But maybe send something to her, like a small card with just "thinking of you" in it. Nothing big. But you will at least have sent it. And SEND it. Best not to guve it to her as she might just twist it into you putting pressure on her. Im sure this will work out man. Its so similar to my own situation. Was like looking into a mirror when I read your posts.
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