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Dannysgirl

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  • Birthday 07/31/1978

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  1. He got back from a business trip on Saturday and we went and had what I thought was a really nice dinner. Apparently I was "completely checked out and my eyes were all glossed over like I was on drugs or something." It's getting to the point where I feel completely paranoid about whether I'm being 'me' or not. Last night he waited until we went to bed to blow up at me. Basically if I don't agree that I have a problem then we're at an impasse and should just get divorced. How do I 'admit there's a problem' when I don't know what he's talking about? Whenever I say that he accuses me of not believing him or accusing him of lying. I'm not doing either of those things. I just have zero consciousness or what he's referring to. He likes to say that I say stuff like "Yeah, uh-huh, I BET!" when he's talking. That drives me nuts because I have no recollection of saying those words. It makes me feel like I'm going insane. Last night when I asked for further detail on what I said that in response to he said "well you didn't say those exact words." That tells me that maybe I haven't been saying that at all and I'm NOT crazy. However, if I so much as suggest that perhaps I'm not the problem, and the issue is HIS or even BOTH of ours then he's going to lose his mind. Things are rarely ever his fault, they are usually my fault. I came off the Cymbalta completely about two weeks ago. Apparently my 'weird tics' such are humming and whistling to myself have stopped. I always felt like I've done that to a certain degree but I'm told they started when I started taking Cymbalta. I'm also not acting 'artificially happy' the way I did when I was taking it. So, I'm more myself but still having these episodes of not being me. None of my friends or coworkers ever say anything about my behavior. Ok I spend 85% of the time with him so yes he would get to observe me much more than they would. Here's another thing, I am not the only one that has weird ticks. He has a habit of repeating the word 'D**khead' under his breath over and over again when he gets anxious. As well as talking to himself quite frequently. Sometimes I'll ask him if he's ok when he does that. He never wants to confide in me about WHY he's doing that though. All I'll usually get out of him is that it's something to do with work. Yet there's perfectly normal and just a weird thing that he does. Whereas mine as indicative that I'm nuts. Since Covid began we haven't been away anywhere and I suggested that we plan a trip or start doing new things to get a change of scenery. He's not up for that as he doesn't know "who he's getting" from one day to the next. Therefore we have to fix the root problem FIRST or nothing changes. So what do I do? How do I 'fix' something I have no consciousness of by myself? I just feel so completely helpless and terrible.
  2. I sat him down this morning before work and said "I'm going to talk and you're going to listen until I'm finished." I then let it all out, things that I've been holding in for years. I told him I wasn't taking responsibility for all that's wrong in our marriage anymore. It is NOT all my fault. He agreed with me and said we both have things we need to work on, we may go to therapy. I'm feeling much better and more hopeful about things than I have in years. I'm going to try and get in with my therapist this week and talk everything including the medication stuff over with him. We'll go from there. Thanks to everyone for your responses. It really helped to get all this stuff off my chest.
  3. I do have some friends yes, but they all have their own stuff going on at the moment and I don't want to add to their load. That's why I decided to come here to let it all out. I emigrated from the UK to Pittsburgh PA in 2004. My Dad moved out here for a bit but ended up having to move back again because he had some health issues. My mother, brother and I are no contact due to abuse from them when I was growing up. I think if I get out of my own head and find something to occupy my time I will feel much better. The problem is, the only thing I really enjoy is reading and that's very solitary. I'm an introvert so the idea of joining clubs etc doesn't appeal. I know I really should try and have more of a social life though.
  4. I have thought about that and when he goes away on business I feel partly relieved as it's the only time I don't have to hear constant nagging and self righteous speeches about how I should be more like him. The problem is, I have very little life experience. We got married when I was 24 and have been together almost 20 years. He has insisted on doing everything with regard to finances, bill paying etc since we've been married as he's very OCD. As a result we are in excellent shape financially. Here's the problem, I would have absolutely no idea where to start as far as ANY of that stuff if we were to split. I also don't drive, so that's another issue. It's probably not a good idea to attempt to lean as I may have epilepsy. Also, he's not a bad guy generally he's just fed up of this and part of me doesn't blame him. I have nothing to be depressed about. We own our home and car, I have a good job that I love, we live in a beautiful area and want for nothing. Neither of us drink and he's never hit me. What is wrong with me? If we do split up am I going to realize I've made a terrible mistake? What if it's the depression that's making me feel that way?
  5. I took an overdose of temazepam and trazodone last November and ended up in the psych unit for three days. I was put on 60 mg Cymbalta at that time. Since then I have generally been feeling better. My relationship with my husband has generally gone downhill though. He says that the Cymbalta has turned me into a different person. He says I do and say 'weird things' that make me seem 'mentally retarded.' He says he wants his wife back and I need to get off all of this stuff if we are to have any kind of future. None of my friends or coworkers have said anything about my behavior and I have no consciousness of it. However it's obviously something that really bothers him so I have weaned down to 20mg and am planning to start taking three quarters of those capsules next week, half the week after etc. The problem is, what do I do then? I've started taking St. John's Wort at breakfast and lunch to help keep my serotonin levels up. I am also working out most days and eating healthily for the most part. The thing that really bothers me about my husband is that he has no patience or tolerance for any of this. Every time a brief ray of light comes in and I start to feel a bit better, I tell him this along with some positive steps I plan to take. Instead of just saying "ok great!" It's "Ok, great, you NEED to do that because...." and then I have to hear a long laundry list of all of my faults. This completely extinguishes the light and I feel even worse than I did before. I told him this when we had another big fight about it the other day and he said he would stop doing it. We had another fight yesterday and he said "you just need to get over all of this." So Now I feel pretty crappy again. I get that dealing with depression in a marriage is very frustrating especially when you haven't experienced it yourself, but these negative remarks don't help. I don't know if he thinks it's tough love or whatever but it makes me worse. Coming off Cymbalta can be a nightmare for people, thankfully I haven't been on it that long. My question is, what now? Clearly I need to get some kind of hobby or find out what my purpose is but how? I'm not good at art or crafts, I can't get into running or anything because I had a hip replacement when I was 37. I just don't know what interests me and feel completely lost helpless and alone. All I do is go out for walks and cry and never feel any better afterwards.
  6. Hi Saturn, The first thing I would do is see your doctor and have some tests done for testosterone levels. With me it really was that simple, my hormoes were all wrong and that was easily be fixed. If there are no obvious hormonal problems then I would as the others have sugggested, see a sex counsellor to explore any issues you may having. If you are truly asexual, that doesn't mean you have to be single for the rest of your life. There are websites where you can meet others who are also asexual and still want to enjoy being in a loving relationship but don't want sex. For example: link removed Remember, there is nothing wrong with asexuality, if you feel like you don't want sex then there's no law saying you must have it. In my case I knew there was something wrong with me because I used to have a very strong sex drive in my early to mid twenties so I knew I couldn't be asexual. All I needed was a change in medication and I've been fine since. I think that deep down you know what you want, you just have to listen to yourself and make a decision.
  7. I have been in daily contact with Lauren since last Monday. She emailed me a few nights ago begging me to call her. When I did she was crying and kept saying 'Mam's going to kill me when she gets home.' The reason for this was the fact that her father had told my mother that they had been in touch and she had been over to meet his new family when my other was awat with her new guy. Apparently my mother called her after she had spoken to her father and said in a very reasonable tone 'Have you been seeing your father? Its ok we'll talk about it when you get home.' I knew exactly how she felt I used to be on the recieving end of those calls and they would literally make me physically sick with fear. I wouldn't be able to eat and would be running to the bathroom every five seconds. The thing with my mother is that she is basically evil but wants everyone else to think she's wonderful and the best mother anyone ever had. Has anyone here seen 'mommie dearest?' She does a mean Joan Crawford impression. Anyway, I calmed Lauren down and told her how best to handle the situation. Apparently my mother been treating Lauren to another of her favourite intimidation practices. This practice is used to humiliate the child and thus weaken any urge to disobey mother dear. She comes into your bedroom while you are with your friends (or while you are alone it doesn't matter) and proceeds to trash your otherwise tidy room by knocking all visible objects onto the floor furiously pulling books out of bookshelves, emptying drawers and then when the room is totally destroyed she stand there and says 'clean this disgusting mess up' like YOU are the one who did it! She also will not leave the room until you have gotten down on your knees to starting picking things up. She's sick. Lauren is staying at her father's house tonight and they are going to work on a plan to get my mother to agree to let her move in with him. She has custody and as a minor my mothers permission is required if she is to move out. As for me, I would love to have her with me but I am a permanent resident in the states and she would only be able to stay for 90 days at a time. As I'm not a citizen she would not be able to emigrate.
  8. My sister called me today! She is back in touch with her father who has really sorted himself out and is now very happily married to another woman. My mother has apparently shacked up with another guy who wants her to move in wth him. She has given Lauren a choice 'either come with me or I'll put you in care.' Obviously this is a just a threat to get Lauren to do what she wants her to do but Lauren has said she will not move in with her and this new guy, as this man treats her badly and tries to order her around. Lauren told her that my mother is 'messing with her head' and she can't take it anymore. She has decided to move in with her father as soon as she is sixteen and has done her final exams at school. I can't tell you how happy I am! Lauren gave me her cell phone number & her email address so we can stay in touch. My mother as predicted had told lauren a lot of lies about me but I was able to explain everything to her and I think she understood. I told her I loved her and would always be there for her no matter what. I now hope we can start rebuilding our relationship now. What I hope most of all is that she see's it through and is strong enough to get away from my mother. Those who want to know the full story can visit the link: Thanks to all who posted in support on the original thread.
  9. My sister called me today! She is back in touch with her father who has really sorted himself out and is now very happily married to another woman. My mother has apparently shacked up with another guy who wants her to move in wth him. She has given Lauren a choice 'either come with me or I'll put you in care.' Obviously this is a just a threat to get Lauren to do what she wants her to do but Lauren has said she will not move in with her and this new guy, as this man treats her badly and tries to order her around. Lauren told her that my mother is 'messing with her head' and she can't take it anymore. She has decided to move in with her father as soon as she is sixteen and has done her final exams at school. I can't tell you how happy I am! Lauren gave me her cell phone number & her email address so we can stay in touch. My mother as predicted had told lauren a lot of lies about me but I was able to explain everything to her and I think she understood. I told her I loved her and would always be there for her no matter what. I now hope we can start rebuilding our relationship now. What I hope most of all is that she see's it through and is strong enough to get away from my mother.
  10. at first it appeared to me that he thinks you really are the one but is now panicking that he hasn't slept with 'enough' people and needs to do that before you two settle down and he loses his chance. Lots of men worry about this when they settle down with someone but few of them will act on these feelings and will actually break up with their girlfriend about it, so in that case are you REALLY the one? If I were you I'd tell him that you are not going to wait around while he gets his 'I haven't slept with enough people oh woe is me' BS off his chest. I'm sure that somebody who REALLY wanted to be with you would not even be thinking these thoughts especially at this stage.
  11. I will certainly say that my Father loves me unconditionally, unfortunately that is not the case with my mother who appears to be the anti-christ. I really think a lot of it depends on how your parents themselves were raised and what they're motives were for having children in the first place.
  12. I absolutely agree with everyone else on here, this is no way to live. You need someone who's first choice will be you every time, her behaviour is extremely cruel and she needs a strong message from you that you will not tolerate this behaviour and will not hang around your whole life waiting while she goes through every single other option available to her before allowing you the honour of being her companion. Two words - get rid.
  13. Okay here's an update on the situation. It was my sisters birthday on Saturday so I decided to call home to wish her a happy birthday and let her know that her present was on the way. I have been sending postcards every now and again in the past year to let her know I'm okay and thinking of her. I got the number from my stepfather Ian who has now divorced my mother and is re-married. He seems to have really sorted himself out and grown up a lot. He related a story to me about how Lauren had asked him to meet up on Christmas Eve and she had begged him to let her move in with him. He agreed and said he would pick her up the following week. When he went over he found she had completely changed her story. Clearly my mother had found out something about the meeting and had put a stop to my sister moving out somehow. Since then Lauren has had no contact with her father and I doubt very much that was her own choice. she has either been threatened with something or she has been hearing lots of lies that have convinced her she shouldn't be in contact with him. Anyway I got the number and called the house - this is how it went.. somebody picked up the phone who sounded very much like Lauren so I said 'Hello Lauren?' 'This isn't Lauren its her mum' 'okay this is Nia, i'm just calling to wish lauren a happy birthday for tomorrow' where did you get this number from Nia? 'It got it from Ian, is Lauren there?' 'No she's out' when will she be back? 'Around ten' 'okay i'll try back - bye.' I never did call back later because I knew she would have been stewing and would probably have gone off into a tirade next time I called. it was such bad luck that I didn't manage to catch Lauren on the phone because any conversation I would have had later on would have been eavesdropped on and Lauren would have been given specific instructions on what to say. Having re-wound the converstion in my mind a million times all I can think is having not spoken to her daughter in two years all she can think of to say to me is 'How did you get this number?' it just goes to show how completely irrational and paranoid she is. Even if your last exchange was not the most pleasant I would think that the first thing you would want to ask your daughter having had no contact for 2 years would be would be something like 'how are you?' Had she not asked me where i got the number from I would certainly have asked HER that. I have decided for good from that little exchange that a reconcilliation with her is not ever going to be possible. in regards to Lauren there is really isn't much I can do for her either because its clear that my mother is really putting the thumb screws on to prevent her leaving her as everyone else has. I feel very sorry for lauren it must be absolute hell living with her all I can really do is let her know I'm there for her and hope she is strong enough to leave when the time comes. I have thought about writing my mother a letter to suggest that she receives psychiatric help before its too late as I have a real fear that she will go off her head one day and hurt herself or somebody else.
  14. Yes that has happened to me and it was basically because I knew I didn't want to be with that person anymore, and the whole thing felt so wrong. What do you think led to your crying?
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