kaime

At what point in the breakup does one become the psycho ex? What are some of the tall tail signs that you're it? For the record, I don't talk to my ex anylonger. It's so over it's over over. But I was talking to a guy friend and he's concerned that he might be now labeled as the psycho ex? even though his ex girlfriend has never told him to leave her alone. But that's another story. I am wondering is it just a bevy of things? Or can it be one? Have we ALL done a few of these things all at once, or over time? At what point do THEY put us in this catagory? I'm rather facinated by this as I have often wondered if I was this "psycho exgirlfriend" - though I never burned his house down or flattened the tires on his car. I just didn't let him breathe enough right after the breakup and pushed him further away from me. He was "talking" to another woman anyways, it just wasn't meant to be. He messed up.

Please help me out with this one as I have been thinking of it for awhile. I have read this often on this board that we the dumpees lack self esteem in wanting our exes back (in certain situations as ofcourse all of our situations are different). Can you explain this to me? Why do people assume that we lack self esteem because of wanting them back? Or I guess another question I am curious about regarding the issue of self esteem - allowing certain boundaries to be crossed, not standing up for yourself in certain situations, compromising when they are not, all of the above - would this be considered lacking self esteem? I was thinking about this recently becuase I had thought self esteem had more to do with something else rather than how it is used on this board. For instance, I am confident, and beautiful, I know I'm a good person and have great friends, but in my previous relationship when things went wrong I could have handled things differently ie. I could have just walked out of his life forever and never looked back at the moment of relatization. In my case because I didn't walk away right away, shout, scream, explode...someone told me that I lacked self esteem when I didn't think so but this was their view on me so maybe. So help me out a little here on what your views about self esteem or/and a few of the other words that people put on us as the dumpees. I can't think of the other ones right now but I'll post them as soon as I can remember.

Thankfully...I don't really care what he's up to. Don't know what's going on in his life don't need to. This is just something I had been thinking about and thought it'd be fun/interesting to find out what people thought. Side note - however, in my case...there wasn't another person waiting in the wings. But there was cheating, so yeah a good ego boost and the confidence level thing. That's very interesting. I hadn't thought about that one. Good response! This is interesting, your responses are great guys. Any more?! You know...I would think that people would want to take time for themselves and enjoy their new found freedom. Rather than jump into another relationship or even dating situation. But then again...that's just me. Like you guys said, a bunch of different answers from different folks.

i think journaling defn helps. when i started writing...it cut down a LOT of the down days. was nice

Question Why do some dumpers try to jump right back into relationships or dating? I have my own suspicions or ideas. * I am thinking that in certain cases it is easier to get over your ex when you jump back into a realtionship. That they can maybe fill the void that was left when you left/or was asked to leave. OR They wanted out of the relationship so that they could date again. Any more or indepth comments? I have been told by my ex, or questioned at the time when we were breaking up "What are you afraid to be alone?" No honestly I'm not afraid. I can date, and have been on a few dates - but I decided that I wanted to take some time out for myself for the rest of the year and be with myself. I now wonder that same question for him as it seems as he's trying to date around now, and actually was only a month or so after our breakup began. So I got to thinking...I am generally curious - I am not trying to get back with my ex. I don't know who he is any longer. I have moved on and I'm kool more or less (though I have my days) but I do wonder after reading this forum for the past few months now. What makes people tick. I know there are no real true answers for this as every situation seems to be gravely different, but I thought it'd be interesting to get your thoughts on this matter. What do you think?

i have been in their shoes and i was like 'i dunno girl, i think you should run away. but do what you want...just be careful.' so i've taken my advice. it just took me a little to get there. two and a half months and i'm seeming to come alone mostly smoothly. i've had zero desire to contact him. my imagination runs wild sometimes but it doens't make me sad i just shrug my shoulders and think w/e. i must admit though, the only thing that gets me down are holiday/long weekends. the times when everyone i know are out of town and im sitting here alone thinking about what we did the last few 4ths. actually i think we just kind of stayed inside away from all the crazy drunk drivers so hmmm. it's not all that different. he sucks. why would you even say that to someone? i mean come on! kick me while i'm down why don't you? it makes me feel like he never respected the relationship nor me in the first place. i KNOW this is a wrong thought to have (b/c at one point he did) but...now? and when he did what he did? nope. not one ounce of respect. he did what was good for him. he was being greedy and selfish.

exactly! im sure he said something to me about him doing what he thought was right for him at the time. and i was thinking, but i thought we were in a relationship - shouldn't you be thinking about what's right for us? so he is a self centered jerk. with age comes wisdom, not that i should be worried about him - but as a caring person (some times...) i would hope that eventually he would grow and change. no one should go through life being a jackhole, but many do. it's a sad existence huh? We were in love with one another, i can't deny that. for a time at least. i can't explain it or i could but i could write a million reasons on why this was the man i love. even still that he screwed up majorally there are feelings there, it's just changed. unfortunately, i just think that his idea on what relationships are supposed to be (beyond love) were jaded. he thought you're supposed to have bliss forever. didn't understand that it takes work and sometimes it's up and sometimes it's down but people work it out and find middle grounds. and it's not always about getting your way. we never fought though to be honest but i think he though for instance the honeymoon stage should last forever and we all know that fades. not completely! but somewhat. you've left bliss and have entered reality. i wasn't perfect by any means but im not horrible either. i was a pretty good gf and i figure he'll see or remember how it was when he was tryign to date before me tyring to find 'quality women'. he had a hard time at it. i swear i wished more men (not the guys in this forum b/c they are a different breed!) would look at relationship books and magazines like many women tend to (not all, many) i loved everything about this man...loved being the operative word. in 2 years he's never cheated (trust me i know - he can't lie to save his life and im a good reader of body language) until that time and then i was like whoa you know what? that's NOT OKAY for me. have fun buh bye now. so sure i love/d him and will always carry that memory of what was in my heart but he ruined anything else. my respect, devotion, and unconditional love for him - out the door. he'll be my first true love and that's about it. btw - i've thought i'd been in love before but those were infactuations or lust, this guy...he was the real thing. it wasnt just the idea of what he was, it was him completley. now the creep that he is now? i don't love that fella. don't even know who that guy is and am fine not knowing him. let some other girl have him. heh hopefully he'll meet a demonspawn. oh i don't want another chance with him, i think you read my post wrong? it was just in the beginning, you know how that is? when you're first in shock and you're like whoa what just happened. nonononono. i'm done. finally michelemybell - "gaslighting" huh? that's exactly it! he did somthing bad and tried to make me believe it was my fault. im no angel like i said before but...i didn't sleep with another person! yeah, maturity and responsible, that's where i left it at. i figured this 30 year old man is not as mature as he should be at his age. i expected him to be but you know...he proved to me that he wasn't. i truly won't grovel. plus i don't remember his phone number any longer so lol the only way i have to contact him is by literally going over to his place and i told him...never again will i set foot in this house. not sure he will sniff around though anyways - he's what you call um he's one of those people who think they're always right. so in this situation like i said, he thinks what he did was ok and i should understand it from his point of view. i don't. i only understand that like you said "he took the low road". didn't think he'd get caught. simple as that. he's too proud and probably will not contact me. if he did...i think i'd fall out of my chair! but alas, w/e. he did the bad thing, you guys validating my feelings on this - i KNOW that i'm right, sometimes friends i mean i know they meant well esp knowing how i felt about this one (and the first time they've ever seen me happy with another person, even to the point of us planning marriage and kids eventually - something i never EVER cared for) but...no. funny thought just now. as i was walking up the coast this morning (be jealous !) I was thinking about IF he contacted me and what would i do. would i pick up the phone and listen to what he has to say? would I tell him what I had to say or ask him questions? would i simply ignore his call? would I ignore his call but send him a copy of the note he sent to me - as well as a note of my own highlighting all the reasons he screwed up. lol (that one was a fantasy - but I actually did make a list of all the things he said and did during this so if i ever had the thought of getting back with him, i look at that list and boy oh boy do i ever get mad). i hate that they say living well is the best revenge, heh cause being human i'd like more. BUT it's a good saying. i've a gf who's ex broke up with her in the most hideous way, now she's making high six figures with her new bf who makes six figures and he's down and out couch surfing. he kicks himself in the * * * * everytime he talks to her. karma i guess.

I will never forget about him as I love the man so he'll always have some piece of my heart. BUT...I don't need him. No hate or anger, just disappointment. I got the anger out when I screamed at him. Lasted for another week then I threw my hands up and said "im done." Oh it was about a 2 year relationship. But I'll admit, all the questions did float in. Still, I'm thinking who in your life told you it was okay to treat people in this manner? I've met his family they're for the most part pretty nice people. However, I do think his mother smothered him a little too much and gave him this "better than thou" superiority complex that he's taken to heart. And his social skills aren't the best. Maybe he's never learned you just don't say things like that / do things like that. OR maybe his inner ah self didn't surface...until he got caught. And it mannifested itself in a matter of moments. Just wondered about your guys opnions on WHAT he said and how screwed up it was. But now that I just looked at something else he wrote, he's showing a pattern of saying messed up things. Love him, but the more and more I think about it, the more and more I'm OKAY with not having him in my life in any capacity. That's fine for me. Here is a link to something that I wrote earlier - NOT for the faint of heart as it will really get you going. link removed

He said if I didn't react the way that I did, he most likely probably would have come back but because I reacted in such a fowl manner, I pushed him towards her even more. He said "People when they're under attack usually go away from the fire not towards it." There was no fire until I found out some truths. My ex slept with another woman. When I found out I asked him why would he do such a thing rather than just to break up with me. He said the s*&% just fell into his lap. I am thinking that he just thought he wouldn't get caught, an opportunity came and he took it. I think he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. It does eat me up because I am in love with this man. I'm staying FAR FAR AWAY, so don't worry. But how else was I supposed to react upon finding out that my bf had sex with another woman. A few people have said that if I had calmly walked away and just started nc right away I might of have a chance to 'get him back'. And Im thinking but I didn't do anything wrong, he did! He did. And yet they've made me feel as if I'm wrong b/c I did not handle the breakup correctly and I've lost any chance I had in reconciliation because I freaked out. Sorry, my ltbf just confessed to cheating on me. I don't think you really know how you'll react when faced with that reality...until you're faced with it. But it does burn me that he is also saying this. If I had calmly stepped away I suppose then he would have come back to me. It's the way things are done. He didn't say this I'm just paraphrasing what it felt like he meant. It's just wrong. How come this man gets to be in the right and dictate how I'm supposed to react upon hearing such news? And then place a condition on how I was supposed to act during the breakup. I didn't BREAK anything, I didn't hit him, I was mad, I cursed, screamed, cried, was in shock and disbelief. I asked why couldn't he just have broken up with me first? Or why couldn't he have just told me if there was a problem so we could either fix it or decide what was best for BOTH of us. Not just one of us. Instant satisfaction. and instant lost of a friendship/relationship. I hope he thinks about me forever. And what he lost. That would be my revenge. Because from this day forth (after I let it out a little)...I will not think about him again. He is nothing to me and I will erase him from my mind. I don't care about saving the good things about our relationship I want nothing. How could someone you loved say to you 'the s just fell into my lap." as an excuse for them cheating?

I am wondering about the effects on the dumpers having to stay. I would (like to think) that my ex, being left in the room that we once shared is reminded every once in awhile that i was once a presense there. Any dumpers around that have remained in a residence you once shared with your loved one?

I have a less controversal on this time You live together, you break up, you're the one that moves out and the dumper stays in the apartment/house/etc. Which would you prefer after you've been dumped? To stay in the place that you shared so many memories? OR to move out into your own spot? As for me, I moved into his home only to have to move out later. I think it has helped. I am in a new environment a new place. Feels like a fresh new start. While he is in a place we shared for a year. The same bed, the same everything. I would think this would be slightly torcherous for him. Do you think they even notice? He/she slept on this side of the bed, they liked for this to be here, oh I found something they left...for me, a fresh, brand new start is glorious. I have been on the other end of this (as a dumpee). I was dumped. My ex moved out. I was left in an apartment we shared for 6 months. Lemme tell you, I did not like it. I cried and cried and finally moved out a few months later. I've only dumped two people in my life but we weren't living together so I can't offer my point on view from that side. What do you guys think?

OH OOOPS MY BAD Okay okay yeah in that case haha I was like aw man! I can see your anger clearly now and I wholeheartedly agree. I would never do anything like that (tell that much of a personal details) I mean that is something that would provoke rage. I know more about my ex than anybody out there, including friends, family and other exes. I would never even consider leaking that stuff out no matter what he did to me. Bad mojo. I appologize for my rash rush defense thingy.

Edited cause I rushed into something I was mistaken on. So ifin you didn't read it earlier...you can't read it now. 8)

After certain break-ups, we've all done some pretty insane, jealous, forgetful, unforgiveable, regretful things right? Well do you think that in doing one, some or ALL of these certain things, that our ex's the dumpers - completely were just turned off by these actions forever OR just for the moment? Have any of you experienced complete shut down or were things eventually forgotten/forgiven/looked past over time? *For instance in my case I let it slip to friends and family members why we broke up. He was FURIOUS with me for doing this. *Another poster (who said it was ok if I mentioned it) that she snooped to certify that her ex had been cheating on her. He was FURIOUS about this. *Another one, there was a misunderstanding about an affair that never happened though it seemed as if it was going that way so she accused him of it and was wrong - or was she? He was FURIOUS about this. *I've read that some have argued and fought right after the break up and horrible things were said. FURIOUS again. So folks, do you think that for those of us who are considering either future friendship or another chance at a relationship male/female. Do you think that after all that's said and done, can a person rekindle the relationship? Do the dumpers ever redate the gals/guys they broke up with, with whom so much drama happened during the break-up? Are these actions over time forgivable/forgetable/work"throughable"? Does TIME heal ALL wounds? Were the things that were said or/and done ever discussed by either party once you got back together? What do you think about these questions? Is it possible for two parties to overlook things that were done/said during a breakup and move forward for a second chance? We've all been there before and some of us are going through it now. I'd love to hear what y'all have to say on this matter. Dumpers AND Dumpees alike.

Does the dumper ever miss the dumpee? I am talking about relationships that lasted over a year and more. As the dumper...do YOU / have you on occasion thought about your ex? I mean I am not sitting here pining away however in the last couple of days I have thought about him a lot more than not. I was the dumpee in this case - 2 years dating / 1 year living together. I think I think about him in come capacity or another daily some days more than others. My ex isn't dating anyone exclusive right now. I keep thinking there must be some part of him that thinks about me. Somethings around the room that we shared, the flowers that are blooming in the backyard - how I'd go and sit out there for hours at a time relaxing and certain things he knows I'd like and even things that I hate triggers thoughts about me. Just as a few things yesterday I heard, instantly trigger deep thoughts about him. I'd LIKE to think that he does still think about me from time to time, heh but I don't know. I as a dumper (he got caught in a few too many lies by me I had to let him go after a few months!) I have thought about him a little - but our relationship only lasted about 4-5 months so I don't really count that. Plus pretty sure he was a rebound. No defn. sure.