Jinx

I remember the first post you ever made here, Fox, and I'll have to say I've read every thread you've made since then about your progress. It is an accomplishment to be proud of, sometimes the hardest thing we have to face in life is ourselves. It would seem to me you're clipping right along down the long road to happiness. The progress is amazing and to be admired, most definitely. Especially when one comes from such a hostile opposing environment as we both have, and trying to cope with the inbetween of what they consider their moral right and what we consider our human right. Then in addition, all the other obstacles we have beyond just a family to deal with. I really do hope things continue to look up for you in life. With a continuing positive attitude and growing acceptance I'm sure everything can only go up from here.

For my two cents, I don't know if you'd actually use that wording literally but if someone asked me for my Phone Number - man, woman, little green alien, so forth you get the idea - and said they'd like to take me out for some fun I'd most likely smile nod and depart with a "Step Lightly with Purpose" manner, most certainly would not give out my phone number, maybe some email address that isn't of major consequence. For me it would be far too forward for a near stranger to do that even if it is meant with good intentions (Simple Date). Though, I think first of all it would help if you got to know her schedule and life first of all. I don't know if you're into the whole "College Small Talk" stuff like - Whats your Major, What classes do you have, What Professors do you recommend - even though it is minor, for me it has opened up numerous doors. They're not threatening questions. they can be readily answered AND better yet can be added onto if they so desire and to restate, its a learning thing for you. Personally, if someone approaches me like that, we make small talk and there is at least some type of social chemistry it isn't above or below me to ask them out to follow along on my latest adventure to the Cafe here or there or whatever. A statement offer, "Hey I'm going to the X-Whomevers-Whatevers Cafe at x : xx, would you like to come along? If you've never been there, they have excellent Something or other, ashame to miss out on." oftens gets the best results for me regardless of age, gender, and all those vital statistics. I make it extremely casual too, its a tone which is You can if you can, but if you don't, it isn't the death of me but balancing that between acting human. There are many men and women I've met who don't quite balance it that well and come off in a negative way. You don't want to be deseparate but nor do you want to be absolutely careless, acting like it is a game perhaps. College I found though is different from High School. In High School you have one method for Dating and in College it all flips, you're in with a different crowd most of the time with a different mentality which will not work with a flat line, "HS Told me so..." approach.

Well, I did have a mild bout of this myself at one time when I was really low on finding a girlfriend or my future. I've heard many others surprising as it may seem state the same exact thing. Since it is accepted, if we're good individuals like yourself people of the opposite sex will come to us in most cases (I say most because there are some perfectly fine men and women up there that are just exasperated over why no one approaches them and the like) and show interest, and more often are not as shallow as some of the more outgoing queers our own age. I was really discouraged for awhile because all the lesbians I met if they were my age were shallow IF they approached me. I suppose its because the shy ones like from a distance and don't have the same "Go for it..." confidence that the typicals chasers do. Not always but in my experience usually. Also, younger individuals don't always seem to be secure in their sexuality and those that are pretty sure start second guessing because of the lack of stable individuals our own age. This is one thing I love about my girlfriend, we have a 17 years difference but she is secure in her sexuality and who she is. I am secure in my sexuality absolutely now (and relatively was too except on that one low week or so) and we click perfectly. She has nothing to prove beyond her own goals, we're both mature, good communication, so forth. It took a long time digging through a lot of dirt before finding the gem. Anyhow, back on subject. I think for some once they encounter so many let downs on their gay side but find so much positive in the straight side it brings the confusion again about "What if..." personally like I say, when I was on an extreme low I did that too. In the back of my mind I knew I couldn't love a man physically but it was the sudden mentality of, "It just cannot get any worst than this stuff I'm finding..." and especially bad when you find, for example in your case, a female which is not out for games, down to earth, open and perhaps an affection true being. Can get any better than that can it? Found it in another gay male? No. Regardless, you may be Bi-Curious, Bisexual or Gay and on the low point at the moment. Personally, if you think you want to go for it, then try. I've felt it, I've known others who have the mass discouragement, its horrible. Then again maybe you are Bisexual and this is positive and maybe a learning experience about yourself. For me, I had to take the incentive and run my own mission to find lesbians and Bisexuals which I clicked with. Problem being, is that myself having severe wanderlust, indepdent from family, means and time to travel I did during the Summer months to an extent. I submersed myself in Gay Culture. So I went to the heart of it all to find instead of going for anymore maybes, hits and misses, and the like. Even then it took a bit but eventually I found my group. My group is late 20s to mid 40s (some older but not regulars where we meet) but regardless I found my spot. The professionals, the serious ones, those who have no youthful urges to impress everyone, not as many in for sexual conquests every weekend, most in my acquaintance and friend group are either in relationships or have a monogamous relationship in mind for the future. I think once you're able to relocate yourself, interact and travel on an independent individualized level you'll find the perfect niche you're looking for. Another point is like I say over and over, demographics and all that statistical gooble (sorry, my vocabulary couldn't come up with anything more intelligent at the moment). Certain areas from my travel have a higher percentage of professional serious relationship oriented queers whereas other areas have a poor score in my mind for those traits. Those areas are mostly occupied by the late teens early twenties where the motto is, "Sex, Drugs and Alcohol Everyone. We've got life to live before we "die" [become desired productive individuals of society]"

Well, that was an assumption. I don't believe that was targeted at those who are fighting for our rights, and was a leap on your half. Burnt out is a wider term than Political Activity. While yes there are some that I believe are odd on that half (and we're all entitled to our opinions on that) it wasn't an all encompassing term. This does not exist for us where I'm located outside of the * * * * * Areas. Even IN the * * * * * areas we still get strangers who have no problem slinging their hatred. So I don't know this joy in the so called mainstream acceptance. For me, it doesn't exist. Maybe in 10 years or so, but for right now I am stuck where you can be open on a selective basis. The US is not as progressive as we'd like to view it far as I'm concerned from personal experience. Anyhow, how do U-Haul lesbians, at least the definition I've learned, constitute any progress for our rights? For most people I've met it makes a greater joke of us. Women desperate to move right in and settle down, the ones that have barely given any time for individual development of a relationship. Not many lesbians I've met are fond of U-Hauls and try to avoid them as possible as they hinder, not help. Leech mentality, not an individualistic independent one which we ARE in need of.

Well for myself what helped was becoming familiar with the " * * * * * Sectors" of the Metro city areas which I travel to, those which have * * * * * based or friendly establishments, I particularly like the Cafes and Bookshops which cater to the Gay Community. Though, I do feel you on the lack of decent lesbians out there. Lot of scary women before I found a gem which is now my girlfriend. I don't know, I've only met a few that were open minded, peaceful and down to earth. Otherwise I've met a slew which were out protesting everything, arguing everything, looking for a mate to live with asap (Uhaul syndrome type), there were some that would go into an all out tizzy if you didn't look gay enough, some paranoid, and the list just goes on. I've met so many more "burnt out" lesbians than Heterosexual or Bisexual. Actually, I've had more success (on a friends basis) with Bisexuals. Meet more Bisexual Women interested in Women that are located on planet earth and in touch with reality. At least from my experience and my own personal definition of Still here mentally, physically and emotionally. Personally I don't know what it is with some of these lesbians, but there are normal ones out there, just a great deal harder to come by, for whatever reason unbeknownst (at least fully) to me as of yet.

I do the same, I have emotions but just not inclined to all out cry and make a scene. Feel both the pain and happiness but just don't express it like a "woman should" I guess according to societys ideals. To my knowledge long as it isn't medical then it shouldn't a problem and is just part of you as an individual. Medical would be that you do want to cry, try to, the whole bit and still cannot and not just emotional either if it were happening say when you had something in the eye and couldn't produce tears to help unlodge the offending dirt speck or however. I myself have disturbed many of an individual due to the fact that I have no interest in crying or being that emotional in funerals, births, dying individuals, awards, so on and so forth. I think its an individual preferance and just how one expresses his or herself. I have my feelings and typically express them short and sweet verbally in, "Sorry he or she died...", "Wonderful birth and child...." etc... but nothing extensive and that is just fine and dandy and makes me feel okay. Long as you're okay and feeling fine, all is well, and all else is outside opinion and nothing much more.

I'll second the thoughts expressed there. I hate to say it about you seem like a rather bitter soul towards women. That kind of thought pattern gets an individual no where. Specifically in the dating world, most women aren't going to say - "Yeah, I get processed, categorized and degraded all in one! What a man..." Just my thoughts of course. Women are not fond of being thought of as second rate citizens, and men aren't all perfect. Fact of life there. I grew up in an environment with men who thought like that, women were not intelligent equal or capable and its really sad to still see the simple minded out and about spewing this kind of nonsense. I take offense particularly that (and luckily I suppose) I don't fit into any of those categories. What about the intelligent, goal oriented, good citizens, moral types, hm? If the world was composed strictly of those narrow minded categorizations and stereotypical ideas of women none of us would be accomplishing squat in the world. Obviously that isn't the case though. Anyhow, I'm done for the time being.

Hm, well it appears everyone has pretty much nailed down their thoughts on the comment issue but I'll still add in my two cents with what its worth. Personally, it would be an overgeneralization and I suppose it would be understandable to think as such if the majority of female interaction you've encountered has been with that attitude and generalized mindset. Though, my advice would be to seek women outside these two. For myself as a woman, I absolutely cannot stand the women who argue, complain, have no obvious rational thought process, use and abuse others. Myself, my girlfriend, and those few females which I have as friends all follow this attitude because I can't cope with those whom have nothing more productive to do with their time than gossip whether they're Lesbians or Heterosexual women. Doesn't matter its a relative flat line. Secondly, even though I am a Lesbian, I'm not beauty blind so to speak. If someone is speaking of a man I can tell whether he is a handsome portion of the human species, regardless, its aesthetically without any sexual basis. I have no interest to ever do anything with him and there is no emotional or physical pull towards the man, just a glance to affirm yes he is a healthy well off being of the male side. Period. That may typically be what you're doing too. Additionally in my experience with dealing with people, when certain individuals become discouraged by the opposite sex which their interest remained at prior there seems to be this take over and what if that comes with the discouragement when they happen to be doing what used to be simple casual aesthetic thinking about others. To be * * * * * in my book, you need a well rounded attraction (Mental, Emotional, Physical). Some require you only need a sexual attraction but nothing further. Regardless, it seems like you don't have any of those pulls and thus highly, highly unlikely you're Bisexual. I guess at best it would just rate you as being open minded towards the same sex in terms of looks and no so threatened by the honest thought of who is and isn't attraction, opposite or same gender. Though, if it is really bothering you, you could always do the sit down and run an analysis on yourself. Your beliefs, your thoughts, the events, what does and doesn't work, what you're interested in, what you're not, what is conscious what is based on subconscious, so on and so forth kind of basics and think what all this really means to you. Like you said there is no Sexual interest so we here just kind of assume its an Aesthetic thing but who knows, there may be something more to this case that only you know that we don't as we don't know you personally and most certainly are not you and can't answer and analyze every bit of information to make a complete flowing image of the situation as you can.

Well, I don't know how you react to chocolate, sugar and general sweets on a regular basis but I'm a Severe Overactive Hypoglycemic, you give me too much sugar in one given setting I have symptoms which were several times misdiagnosed as panic attacks. Only help? Reduce sugar, fix diet, exercise, consult a doctor. If you're that reactive, and it is a possibility the doctors can usually induce it during a glucose test (as pretty much, that is what you're consuming) and take the blood they need in that series test to see if it is indeed the cause. I was originally diagnosed after having fainted and being severely sick after consuming a moderate amount of sugar laden items. Sweaty palms and feet, chills, flashes of heat, cramping, chest feels constricted, dry throat, overproduction of salivia in some cases, numbness (especially of the jaw and tongue), uncontrollable hyperventilation like response, blurred vision, poor hearing or just understanding all together, weak legs and arms, and it just goes on. Afterwards I usually have the joy of a mass headache (which is rare and almost nonexistent for me outside of this), stomache upset, lack of energy, so on and so forth. Almost like your general panic attack but major difference being there are the actual Panic Attacks and then there are "Panic Attacks". Once I regulated everything and kept on a strict system, I'm fine and dandy without complaint. Now if I teeter off and again consume too much of the bad stuff (ie Sugar Products) it comes right back, BOOM, like a bomb dropped on my head. Personally I think it would be best to see your Family Doctor first to get their opinion on the issue. The family doctor then after all the symptoms and correlations and good stuff are looked over he or she may recommend something like a Glucose test or a referral for a Psychiatrist. Though, I find if you think even in the slightest it has to do with the food, bring it up. In my experience, doctors are too Panic Attack happy. Anything with those symptoms it seems like they'll jump on with both feet and scream anxiety. That was my problem, I suffered for longer than I should of because it was consistently misdiagnosed for Anxiety. Suddenly one doctor actually took the time to think about the alternatives (and perhaps the fact that I had been through so many other doctors...) and gave me the glucose tolerance test. My level was horrible consistently and all the symptoms showed up. Therein, we had it. Eliminate and/or reduce the problem.

When I found places I usually just had to invite myself in and took an inventory of the clients they had. There were quite a few that were pretty much gay space and lesbians weren't that welcomed. Really trial and error. I have found though for whatever reason, usually the smaller, cozy, cafes that you'd usually only see on a fly-by attract more lesbians than gay men, here it does that is. One place that does seem to bring a lot of lesbians - Film Fesitvals. New York is supposed to have quite a few excellent LGBT Film Fests and depending on the movies you're scheduled to see, you can really expect a decent number of lesbians there. Particularly of course though, you'd have to find a good Lesbian movie that people were attracted to. Now from my personal understanding, as this isn't first hand experience but instead from hearing others, for example I believe there is an indepedent movie out and about which is lesbian themed and has attracted attention by the same at film fests, which I think maybe possibly the name is Loving Annabelle (maybe someone else knows and can throw two cents in as to whether I'm right or not on the name?) and I believe they had it playing in New York at least once if not more and was quite the buzz with the Lesbian group. I think there are also particular Women Only events that go on in New York which are attention grabbers, from experience you get both Heterosexual and Homosexual women but the latter is more common. These are some links, that maybe, they might help in a search for Lesbian or more Lesbian friendly places or events: link removed link removed link removed link removed link removed I haven't looked over all the links so I don't know about quality but they sounded like they would be interesting out of the search I performed.

Personally for myself my little life story of realizing I was a lesbian I suppose began when I did hit those puberty years, my first thoughts were of other females but quite short lived and repressed. I lived in a Christian household were gay was not tolerated in any way shape or form. So regardless I tried to be heterosexual, I dated two men. One relationship lasted about two years but now that I reflect I believe that was sticking around due to sympathy for my "other half" whom was Bipolar and didn't have any oars in the water so no one would deal with him, besides me. Meanwhile in the midst of all this at one point or another a good friend of mine came out to me. At that point I was still rather homophobic due to personal shielding as I didn't want to be thought of as a freak or disowned. Opinions of others still meant something to me then. So I didn't quite know how to react but regardless I seen he was able to overcome the opinions and hatred of others. As we spoke I realized I still did have a deep seated interest in women but had became so well at hiding it and the like. I thought it over and as time progressed it kind of hit me that I really didn't like men as anything more than friends. My attraction was towards other women in each way, it was complete - mind, body and soul - I would say. Whereas men, I was attracted to them simply on a society says so level. It was more out of duty to be "normal" that I had attempted to warp my attraction so it was directed towards men but give the once hidden female attraction a moment and it took over, kind of obvious eventually. Furthermore, heh, dreaming about other women instead of your boyfriend or whatever at the time probably should of been a clue to me saying - Hey, hello there, this just isn't working. You're kidding yourself. Regardless, as in my many posts I've made before with all this evidence put together I decided, yup, I'm a lesbian. Textbook definition of one too once I was able to cope with myself. I spent awhile chasing after women who seemed "questionable" and thus far except one, months or more later most of the women who bleeped on my QueerDar were just so. Yet those women who were questionable weren't ready to come out with themselves at that point and still stuck comfortably in the closet. So instead of playing the games of Is She or Isn't She? I had gay male friends who told me of different locations which were gay friendly, BUT, if you say live in or near a Metro area you can always look up in the Telephone book or more particularly I think its Yahoo and some of the major Gay websites will have listings of Gay Friendly, Gay Owned, Gay Clientele (Primarily or Only) type of establishments. That is how I went about finding Restaurants, Cafes, Small Book Shops and other locations which being gay was welcomed and because of that, I ran into "family" as they say. This was such a case with my girlfriend, we met when I was scavaging the gay area in general, we talked, we clicked, and here we are as a pair. By the looks of the directories I've seen even the most Conservative Bible Belt type of States STILL have at least some kind of gay area, while it is much smaller than say the gay areas in CA or MA its still there to at least some degree and often a little more discreet.

Like others have covered, it can be so many issues and not just skin color, yet that in itself is a major issue to so many people for whatever reason I've yet to figure myself. At this moment in my life, despite being White and perceived as the majority, I'm in an area where saying I'm a Minority is just about perfect or understatement. I've met enough individuals who will not give me the time of day based on the race issue. So many stereotypes and so much prejudice, its always there just more concentrated in certain areas and its expression is different depending on demographics it seems. I've had my instances where someone has just outright told me to go back to where I belong -- where ever that is -- without even trying to get to know me as an individual beyond my skin. Depending on your age group, that may be another issue. There are just certain ages which seem to have a greater percentage of single women and men regardless of race or not. So it may not be race, it may just be the men themselves and the whole situation that is faced with others not showing interest despite best attempts to attract it. It may too be a matter of simple mindedness on the behalf of those men that are in the particular area. Further, Ohio, the area I was in before wasn't all that open minded. I'm sure it like any state has its patches of open to narrow mindedness but that will be a major stopping point. Most people have parents who still have such a No Interracial Relationship it makes it difficult. I was raised in an area where the dominant thought was you can befriend those outside your race but no matter how compatible, you're walking a thin line of acceptance dating them. That may be the issue at hand. There may be those interested but just haven't the gut to go against what their parents believe in, don't want to be disowned. Been there, done that in terms of my life and current relationship and far as I'm concerned people can place whatever label they want on it but I just call it a happy one. Unfortunately, that seems to be a small percentage of individuals who can just throw their hands up in the air, not care what others think is proper in their society and culture and just be happy long as it isn't harming anyone else and makes them happy in life. I don't know how much help I can be, one of the many injustices in life, when people are blinded by what should be such a small matter [skin color]. If we were just colorblind but no such luck in this lifetime. Though, by the sounds of it you're a good person for that man you're looking for that takes the time to stop and think, and hopefully you'll be able to stumble upon that one special individual.

I had some trouble understanding this part, have you told them that all your friends are Homsexual with only a couple being Heterosexual? If not, I don't understand how they would know who was the "bad influence" as they seem to thinking here by banning * * * * * friends. Certain parents the only option you really have is leaving. I eventually came out to my whole family after pairing with the woman who is now my girlfriend and my father disowned me from the household. As they don't want to displease him, socializing with me was their acting like I was a secret no one should know about, I told my mother and sisters if they can't treat and talk to me like another human being, especially of biological relation for that, don't bother. I made it blunt that I can move on, and they will have to now as well. Cut ties I suppose in my case. Your parents on the other hand, they might not be as severe as mine, just severely misinformed. Its sad to know so many people think now I am a lesbian because I have gay friends. Unfortunately, they aren't looking at the whole picture. I was gay before, I'm gay now. It was just the fact that then I had heterosexual unaccepting "friends" and them to worry about while I needed a roof under my head until I could relocate myself. Then also that in having * * * * * friends I can be myself without the sexuality ridicule added in that I may of had with the straight friends. I just think telling them that all your friends are gay will just end up causing you more isolation and being condemned to home if you haven't told them already. If you haven't I think it would work in telling them that yes you may have certain friends who are gay but what about the straight as can be friends? They most certainly don't influence this "behavior". Try logic without giving out too much information, it can backfire no matter the good educating intentions you have. If I had told my parents I was a lesbian before I moved out, I would of had NO social life, period, if they had not kicked me out on the street that is. It really depends on the individual parents of course. Like I say, I'd just be selective from then on. Really, there isn't too much one can do about parents who won't listen and refuse to accept.

I don't if this is something you're interested in but it is a guide catered to Lesbians and the Flirting matter: link removed For me you have the eye contact element, but being close and what you can get away with comfortably helps too. The above article I quoted gives quite a few examples. One major is sitting close enough that the thighs touch BUT beware, Lesbians can have a tendency to scoot over regardless in an attempt to be polite and give the woman more room. I've did this and didn't even give it a second thought whether it was the woman trying to be close and express interest. The hands are a major sign, and little touches IF the woman is not usually the touchy feely kind of woman. If you seem rather special to her, then keep your interest, might be a sign to keep in mind. For me, I've learned I do the oddest things when I've been flirting with a woman, according to my girlfriend. I unknowingly will touch her arm, shoulder, thigh without even really noticing I'm doing it. I will tilt my head too, and you will see flirting manuals that say a lot of women expose their neck when they flirt and I suppose this would be my equivalent to that. Moving closer and mirroring the other person's body language, particularly the sitting position is good to note as well. When two people are comfortable with one another or on the opposite end - scared witless but most interested, they will usually assume the same sitting posture. Then conversation, if you can verbally start flirting, you can pick up on so much more and feel whether it is casual platonic or mutual interest.

Been there, done that. Wish I had the postcard and T-Shirt. Back to the post at hand, it sounds much similar to a female friend of mine whom I found out is Bisexual. Early on, we would engage in the whole thing, flirting, being close, going back and forth from being touchy to being "don't dare touch me" kind of attitude. Yet she insisted she was straight and I eventually thought I was off again. We were always going together, talking to each other, we might as well of been a pair. Up to something, I actually at one point had a person prode at the notion that we were a couple but wasn't so. I eventually came out to her and as time progressed and met a woman who is now my girlfriend, she came out to me as Bisexual. Not sure if it was a last minute attempt to "catch" me before she felt I was too attached to my girlfriend or just thought of it as a "Just FYI..." situation. It is rather a hard thing to tell, especially if they're not open and honest with you and themself. Like my friend, she was in such a torn situation between whether to come out or be "perfect". With her, maybe in telling me she can finally be honest with herself and others, but I truly doubt she'd ever tell her family as she is well aware of being disowned by them. To the point of relation here, it all depends on the person themself. Often you cannot get away with flirting outwardly with someone and they don't have a clue. I have learned some can act rather dull, but are well aware of what is going on. Its even more obviously when you get into the innuendo type of flirting which just in my case doesn't happen that openly or often with two completely straight individuals, it does but when one is gay and interested it has a different kind of method to the madness. I would say, he sounds interested, but he too may be gay and feeling you out or this may just be friendly behavior for him. It is hard to tell, I've had people offer to do such things and if I could cook and not kill my guests I probably would offer, too. I think you may consider going out with him more if that interested. Maybe not to the apartment if it isn't a case of him being naive. Going somewhere on a date-but-not-date scenario may encourage open behavior for how he acts in public when on a "date" with you. See how stagnant or changing his behavior becomes throughout the day or night. This would also give you a chance to read his body language - touch, looks (particularly eye contact and length), sitting proximity as it applies, conversation and relative meanings and usage. While it may seem like overanalysis at first, eventually certain things will stick out that just seem out of place for a platonic relationship. For me it seems even easier to spot in men because society has certain rules and regulations if you may that straight men seem to subconsciously and consciously adhere too. Even the most masculine gay men make some oopsies along the way for lack of better phrasing which gives them away. I'd just say casual outtings, get to know him well instead of jumping into feet first "Come on over" type of situations as those can be extremely awkward or lead into something you may not want at that moment. He may also be confused and public is much better than private to feel out how open he is, or is not. Becoming good friends I'd think would be step One. Finding if he is gay would be a gradual Step Two.