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pandorasbox1

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  1. Day 2 Well I guess I'm starting over because I broke nc. He replied to me immediately though and we had a really light and cheerful conversation that put a smile on my face. I missed him, truly. From what I gathered by our conversation, he has been taking a lot of strain lately. It didn't hurt and it didn't feel like this piece of contact was setting me back. It kind of made me excited, which I suppose is a bit of a setback because it fuels hope. While part of me doesn't want him back, part of me still does, but in a few months from now. Mentally I don't think I'm capable of having a strong and healthy relationship right now. We didn't speak about our feelings toward eachother, we didn't speak about us. We just caught up I guess. I told him I missed joking with him, sharing sick jokes that no one else could appreciates but him. He asked if I had those moments where I saw something I wanted to share with him and I said I had those moments a lot. He said he has them constantly. He hasn't been gyming a lot lately, which is something that is very important to him. In my mind, he kind of confessed that he has been doing less than well on an emotional level. He gave me some music to check out and listen to. I haven't heard from him since 2 days ago. He did confess that he wanted to contact me numerous times, but felt it was too soon. I told him the door is open. Although I don't feel fully healed yet, I do feel okay speaking to him. I find myself genuinely happy for him. I know we still love eachother though. Ugh, I'm just a little confused. I mean, I kind of want to hear from him everyday, but I know I shouldn't. I know I should just ride this wave out and take the alone time as a chance to move on. I guess we will see what the future holds.
  2. Day 19 Feeling really weak today. I feel like contacting him but im not sure what more I could say that I havent already. I know he wont speak to me or see me until he is ready... which might be never I fantasize about him calling me up and asking to meet and when we do, I keep imagining him holding me close and kissing me; looking at me with that undeniable love in his eyes. I fantasize about him telling me he has made a mistake and that he only wants me forever and always... Its these fantasies which hurt so much. I am open to being with someone else in the future... But right now I just want him still. It seemed to me he was/is the whole package. I just want to feel him again.. see him again... laugh with him again... see that look again.. I want him to tell me he still loves me and that he never, not even for a second, stopped. Ugh... weak day for me feels like day one
  3. Day 18 Been feeling okay these past two days. But I have been thinking about him a lot. I'm not sure there is contact or even friendship on the horizon. I saw my therapist today and she gave me a lot to think about. I have a lot I need to work on. I don't want this type of behavior of mine to occur in the next relationship I have with someone. I don't want to have this unhealthy co dependency. I don't want to lose myself again. This pattern of behavior has hurt all my relationships. I need to get a handle on it before I can consider dating again. I'm excited about my future. I'm excited to move out, start my life... Have a place of my own. It's time I make my own rules and stop playing by his. It's my time to be in control. I still love him bit its time to move forward.
  4. Dont worry, it will pass. I know that its still going to be hard for a long while and you may find this too... But there are days where things generally do start to look up. Yes, definitely stay away from alcohol. I find it affects me badly too and makes me feel things so much stronger. Weekdays are generally good for me... But weekends really suck. Be strong, keep nc until he contacts you and his contact actually warrants a response. Else, try to move on, as hard as it is. Just think of all the pain you have had to endure the past 6 days. I doubt you would want to start all over again. I know I wouldnt. I also know that nothing would come out of contacting him. I certainly dont want to find out that he is seeing someone new either (though I doubt he is). We are in this together. Know that you are not alone
  5. Day 16 Yesterday was hard. I missed him a lot. Today was hard too. It's the first time in all these past weeks that I have felt that strong urge to call him or something. Weekends are always the worst. I always think about what we would be doing if he were here with me. I miss cuddling. I miss the way he used to look at me or how he would just randomly come up behind me and shower me with love. We have been broken up over 2 months now though, and I can honestly say that he hasn't been that same man for a long time. I just miss his quirks. I hate that we loved so many of the same things. I hate that in my mind he was the man of my dreams. I hate that I wasn't the woman of his. I feel sad that he hasn't reached out. I know he has a lot of self control... But I'm starting to feel like this nc thing is so easy on him, a breeze. In my heart I think he is having as hard a time as I am. But I honestly can't know for sure. I just think that if he loved/s me as much as he said that he is also in a lot of pain everyday. I don't know. Wish I could read his mind. I wish I could meet someone to take my mind off him. But I know that won't work for long. I don't want to hurt anyone else either. This rollercoaster sucks and I wish I could get off this god forsaken ride. I've never felt this way about anyone before post breakup
  6. Day 14 Two weeks to the day since I last contacted him. I missed him today, but not as much as I have in the past. I hate that I always was the one to contact him, even though he broke my heart. I hate that I gave him the satisfaction of walking away, because I know how he thinks. He wont look back with any regret because ultimately I was the one who walked away from our "friendship" or whatever it was. I dunno, whatever really. Im just focusing on me. Focusing on getting into shape and my future. Im learning how to be single again. Im learning how to be comfortable being me again. Im nowhere near interested in other men yet, after more than 2 months... But I think that will come. I honestly feel that I wouldnt mind being single for a couple of years. I know that the next guy who finds me, is going to be well worth the wait. For now though, its all about me. Im working on my degree. Going to apply for honours and eventually move out of home and begin my life as an adult woman. Even though Im young, I dont want to waste any more time with the wrong man. I want my lifelong partner. Im tired of heartache.
  7. Day 13 Going through the motions I guess. I feel numb to a large extent. Im still a little angry but not like yesterday. I have really let myself go over this past month... Picked up weight and I think I look pretty bad. I need to lose weight but cant find the motivation to do anything right now. I have been really quiet with everyone in my life. I think Im just trying to get comfortable in my own skin again... Im trying to figure out who I am once again after I became this unrecognizable person in a relationship. I feel like in my mind, the guy I fell in love with is dead and isnt coming back. At the same time I know he is out there living his life, and he seems like a stranger to me now. I feel like there is the great wall of china between us. Last we spoke he said he doesnt hate me and that he is glad we could have ended before it got to a point of resentment. But if he is feeling anything like me then I think that part of him hates me too. I am starting to doubt that I will ever hear from him again, even though he said "im not writing you off; im not writing you out of my life". I feel like maybe he said it to let me down easy. Maybe he said it to let himself down easy too. I dont know. All I know is, that person is dead and as it stands im not sure I want him back or that I want friendship. I just feel tired and drained today. I still miss him, but a smaller part of me does. As each day goes by, im starting to realise how this is probably the best thing that could have happened for either of us.
  8. Day 12 I feel indifferent today and sometimes just a lot of anger and hate. It's almost been two weeks NC and I can't believe its all gone so quickly and not a single peep out of him. Clearly he doesn't care anymore and I'm not sure why I should. At this moment I don't want him back, I don't want to be his friend. I want nothing to do with him. Part of me wants to see him suffer, while I sit enjoy his agony. I'm not sure how I could ever feel anything good for him. Maybe its because im so angry right now. Whatever. His sister issues are enough to send any girl running and I hope that one day he realizes there is something wrong there if he has any hope of hanging into any woman.
  9. Day 10 Today was a disaster for me personally... and I think it has a lot to do with the fact that 2 months ago on this day was when he broke up with me and a month ago tomorrow was the last time that I saw him and the last time I allowed him to disappoint me. I feel so much guilt over walking away from him when he dumped me... I want him back so bad.... I feel worthless and a lot of the time im left questioning whether he ever really loved me or whether he even still does. I notice my loneliness so much more when im out in public or doing things with my family. I notice other guys and all I can think is "but I want him... not anyone else". I have never struggled through a breakup like this before. I have never felt this kind of debilitating heartache. Today for mothers day we went out and I felt so alone... He would usually always be there with me and my family doing stuff with us and having a good time. It hurts because he really did become a part of my family. Anyway, so after two drinks I start talking to my mom about him and she kinda snaps... I guess she is sick of hearing about how I miss him and love him after he broke my heart. I break down and cry in a restaurant... I have never felt more stupid in my life. If given the chance I would have sat and cried for 2 hours. I wish he knew what he was putting me through. I wish he could see it because maybe then he would realize that what I felt for him was and is so real to me. Its been two months and I still feel like it all just happened yesterday. I cry for him everyday and part of me hopes he is too. I feel worthless, like trash... he just threw me away... and now after ten days it seems like he really doesnt even care if I live or die. Im in so much pain.. I just want it to go away.....
  10. I just remembered something he said to me last we spoke, two weeks ago. When I told him I was having a hard time and that this is all so hard he said something along the lines of "its only hard so long as you let it be hard" or "it takes as long as you give yourself to get over someone". I asked how long he had given himself and he said "I havent" Part of me is so mad at him... I feel cheated. I feel like he had months to prepare himself for this... Worse, he had me by his side to prepare him for this and here I am suffering this alone. I feel so up and down. Some moments I feel indifferent, other I feel anger and resentment and sometimes deep love and longing. I hate this.
  11. Day 10 I'm proud I made it so far and that this is the longest we have not spoken. I've been dreading today because today two months ago he left me. I'm feeling better but weekends are always the hardest to get through. For some reason I have dreamt of you the past two nights. We always always reconcile. And it sucks to wake up and know that he's gone, most likely, for good. Event though he said that he would like us to be friends again and that he would contact me eventually, my mom doubts he will. I still feel that he will though. But I'm not sure I will be interested in friendship at that time anymore. Maybe he lied and was trying to let me down easy... I don't know. He is so hard to read anymore. I have moments where it feels like he is becoming this distant stranger to me. Even though I know that inherently he hasn't changed. There are moments when I think that we could never be the same around eachother again. It off putting. And I'm not sure that we could ever be together again. Bit him and I shared such a bond... Maybe that bond won't fade. But who really even knows. I imagine this bout of nc has been so hard for him. I think maybe he may eventually be allowing himself to grieve. But I also know if this were true he would be calling me... seeking comfort of some kind. He hasn't. I'm not sure he even cares anymore or is allowing himself to. I don't think about him so much but I stil think about him a lot. I still love him deep down and it sucks.
  12. Day 8 Im passing the longest period of no contact that we have ever had since meeting one another on the 6th of October 2011. It hurts to know that the day is looming where it will be 2 months since the BU to the day and a month since I last saw him. I have been feeling noticeably better lately but I still have so many questions. I still feel like I need closure, but Im not sure I will ever get it from him. I know I need to stick with NC for me now... I need to start letting him go. I find myself shedding a few tears from time to time. When I go out with my parents or go out and do something I always wish he was there with me. I wonder constantly what he is doing, what he is thinking or if he, like me, cries from time to time or has days where he can barely function. Part of me thinks he is putting up this front about how well he is doing and Im waiting for the day for him to fall apart. I hate how resigned he is to all of this.... How not once has he called me... begged for me... fought for me... I think thats what hurts most... How expendable I was/am to him. At this rate I dont want to go backwards... I dont want to break NC and I think I will be okay never hearing from him again. I dont want to speak to him and find out that he never shed a tear for me or how he met this great woman who is the world to him. I dont want to know anything, yet I want to know everything some days. Yesterday was a weak moment and I wanted to drop by his work after Uni... I forced myself to drive straight home. Nothing has been harder. I realized that Im the one to always reach out and im sick of it. I feel like a puppy who is begging for the tiniest bit of affection and getting kicked instead. He knows how to reach me. Ugh... just a low few days I guess
  13. Day 6 I've stopped counting the days since the breakup. I only realised today that yesterday would have been 8 weeks yet it didnt cross my mind yesterday. Sometimes Im not even sure which day NC im on. The longest was 8 days and oddly enough I have been feeling okay these past two days. I had my first therapy session on monday and I cried like a fool in front of a stranger. I cried like I was heartbroken again for the third or fourth time since BU. I deactivated my FB account last year May and recently reactivated it. I know he deactivated his the same time I did last year for the sake of our relationship. I found myself still searching his name even though I knew his profile was deactivated. I decided to leave FB alone and deactivate once more. He has a google + profile... but I have forced myself to stay away from that too even though I cant see anything anyway. I have been making strides to stop being obsessive over him. I dont consciously think about the fact that Im driving by his house on my way home anymore. When I get home I realise I did and it doesnt bug me anymore. I still think about him a lot, but Im not so sad. I know deep down he probably misses me like I miss him... But this is for the best right now. Im so focused on my own goals in life and I think that is what is getting me by. I dont carry my phone around anymore like I used to either... I have isolated myself in a sense... Im not really interested in relationships or friendships... just trying to focus on me. My parents are still really supportive but they're also tired of hearing about my ex by now. I feel better than I have in 8 weeks and I feel as though Im taking baby steps to moving on. I still want him and I still love him but I dont NEED him so much anymore.
  14. I keep thinking about the way we met and came in contact and I cant help but think that fate had a hand in it all.. Even though im sure I even believe in fate. We were everything we wanted in another person and I hate that you still cant see it and that you let me go so easily. I think part of you knows you'll never find what you had in me. And I hope that one day soon you come to realize it. I hope that you dont realize it too late because as it stands, i want you in my life and Im not sure I will a few months down the line. Men keep telling what a catch I am and how many men would crawl a 1000 miles on their hands and knees just to be with me. They say I embody everything a man ever wants in a woman... So why couldnt you see it? Why did you neglect me the way you did? Why did you take me for granted the way you did? You never realized what you had and part of me thinks you never will until you start dating again which could be years from now. I know you... I know how you like to get over a relationship by envisioning the other person as a monster that you were lucky to get away from. The worst part is, you still hold all the power even though you left me... You should be the one crawling back and begging me to come back... not the other way around. I hate that you seem so happy, like I meant nothing. But if I know like I think I do... You're putting up a front and havent really dealt with anything. I know the reality of the situation takes a long time to hit you and right now, I hope it hits you hard. Im sad, Im angry, I hate but love you at the same time.... Here's to me walking away from you...
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