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rustygirl

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rustygirl last won the day on November 18 2006

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  1. Hahaha... okay sorry, this struck me as funny. I don't believe you would ever be 'too loose' that a guy would not be able to penetrate you. That's like saying... look, the door is open too wide, I can't get into the house??? Your skin is sort of like a rubber band, it has elasticity to it. That's what lets it 'bounce' back into shape... but as you get older, and the rougher you are with it... the more it wears out and doesn't 'stretch' or 'bounce' back quite the way it used to. Your facial skin get's stretched probably more than anything else... talking, eating, laughing, crying, all of this stretches your skin around which is probably why you get wrinkles on your face, and not usually say, your back. Well I don't know where it was said that childbirth doesn't 'loosen' a vagina... because well... an ENTIRE BABY get's SHOVED through it... I think that could stretch out just about ANYTHING!!!! Sex also stretches it out 'down there' and just like the rest of your body, it begins to lose it's elasticity. Anyhooo though, I don't think kegels actually tighten the vagina (well, okay, they probably do some) but to my understanding kegels strenthen the muscles down there and give you more control over them (like learning to wiggle your nose, or your ears) so that you can tighten them or loosen them at will. The control you have over those muscles can be used to make sex 'more fun' whether or not you are 'tight or loose' because by flexing them you can create a feeling of tightness, and by alternating between tight and loose you can create a sort of massaging feel.
  2. Men don't HAVE to go a lifetime without porn. Depending on what woman they end up with though, they may have to make that CHOICE. It has nothing to do with control. It's an issue of respect. Not everyone is OKAY with porn, it's not even a "girl only" problem. If the person you decide to be with is one of those that is NOT okay with porn, it's a matter of choice on whether you are going to respect that and stay with them, or find someone who is more liberal in thier views. Rodeo Rider: Your welcome... =) I don't know if it is really possible to explain to someone who is pro-porn though, how much it hurts. Truth is I think I'd almost rather have been cheated on... usually when THAT happens everyone tells you to leave and you're worth more than that... but if you're cheated on and it's ONLY with porn... well pfff... you're just overreacting! It's not a big deal! You should be GLAD because they aren't REALLY cheating on you, etc. etc. etc. Well, I'm sorry, but there are LOTS of things that spouses/significant others try to hide from each other because they know it would upset thier partner. Things like... oh, I dunno... smoking after promising to quit. Bringing home a stray after agreeing on no more pets. Or snacking on candy bars when you both start a diet together. Those things can be upsetting, and could possibly even lead to a huge fight. But they don't leave you feeling as if someone has ripped out your heart and shoved it down your throat. It doesn't leave you feeling as if you don't even know this person you thought you loved. and they surely don't leave you feeling an almost irresistible urge to go away... far away... no matter where it's at as long as it's not where you are right now.
  3. Rabican and shikashika both make good points... which made me realize that not ALL porn is cheating. My BF and I occasionally watch porn, but only together... I agree that she should not expect you to change, but if you are willing to, that's okay. I don't see her not wanting you to look at porn being a control issue, it's obviously something that bothers her and instead of making you quit, she left. It was you who wanted to work things out and told her you would quit. I don't think that porn is something she will be able to 'just work out', even if her only issue with it is that she's insecure. There could be plenty of other reasons... maybe she can, but it doesn't sound like it if she has a problem with the youtube thing (I went and looked myself, and I don't know if that would bother me... that isn't porn.) You're right! If the relationship DOESN'T work out, I think Juliana is right, your next relationship should be with someone who is more open to porn since that is something you obviously enjoy.
  4. Before we moved we both worked full time, but usually I have only a part time job or none depending on how much he makes. (I prefer to have a part time job.) He's been out of work for 3 or 4 months now. I realise jobs take time to process, at least the good ones. But most crappy low paying jobs take only a day or two, not weeks like the good ones. I pay the bills, and have a strict budget, both when we have extra money and like now when we have none. When we have extra a portion goes into savings and then we each get a portion of what's left to spend or save as we see fit. Yes, our grocery trips are always budgeted. Unfortunatley we needed a new vehicle (new to us at least) and had just spent our savings perhaps a week before he quit, and the little we had left has since run out. When we got together we BOTH had credit card debt (totalling no more than 4 grand altogether.) He was not consistent on making payments however (which is why I now pay bills) so most of his were already in collections. I have since paid off his debts, and we were working on mine (less than 1500) when money became an issue we have not racked up anymore charges on any of our cards since we got together. We bought a house last year with my inheritance, otherwise our goals are simple, finish paying off our 'real debt' as well as our personal loans from family/friends (which is a considerable amount) so that once we're 'debt free' we can be married, and start our own business rebuilding & updating older vehicles. A flexible job like sales would be great... the problem is he doesn't seem to care or be trying anymore.
  5. You know how sometimes you're having a conversation and someone says something that you just don't have a come-back to? Well that was it for me. It must have been 4 years or so ago when I was going through a similar struggle with my BF at the time (we had been together for 6 years.) I could not explain very well to him, my best friend, or ANY of my friends for that matter, why it upset me so. All I knew was that it felt to me as though I was being cheated on. It was the heartbreak of 'finding it' each time. The guilt of snooping (oh, it started out innocently enough, but once I found out I couldn't stop myself from finding out how much, when, for how long etc.) and the pain of betrayal each time he said he would never look again and then within days I would find "it" again. The worst was when he tried to hide it... by changing his 'favorites links' to innocent names by clearing the history, by saving stuff onto disk and hiding the disk etc. So if you really can stop cold turkey, great! more power to you! That's wonderful, and I commend you. But before you promise your girl that... make sure you mean it. If you DONT think you can stop... or at least not cold turkey, you need to tell her that. Ask for her help, sign up for counselling, WHATEVER, but be HONEST with HER and YOURSELF!!!! I wish you both the best of luck!
  6. I used to call guys I liked Dork... *laughs* Maybe she does like you and was pestering you about who you liked/were taking because she wanted you to say you liked her, but when you told her, it spooked her. (Sometimes you can sound like you 'really' mean something, when you 'really' DONT) She could have texted you about liking some other guy in order to make you jealous, or to cover her slip up. Or she could just have been being mean to hurt you (it happens.) But if this girl is your friend, and you want to KEEP her as your friend, you should confront her. Next time you get a chance to talk to her say "you've got problems you know that?" and if she asks what you mean, tell her she asked you 100 times who you liked/were taking to the prom until you figured she WANTED you to say HER, so you did, and then she wigs out, calls you names, and starts texting you with the names of all her crushes..." (okay, so you exaggerate a little, change stuff around until it sounds like something you'd say... but get the point accross.) She'll probably end up interrupting you anyhow to 'explain' whatever she's going to explain to you... and then you just go from there!
  7. 2 things: 1- as mentioned in another post Do you have your own job? If not, get one... even a part time, few hours a week minimum wage gig. It'll do wonders for you. 2- "men are from mars, women are from venus." I love this book, if you haven't ever read it you should. I really got a lot out of it, ecspecially with how to communicate with men, and your situation is described almost exactly as an example in the book. (a local thrift store would probably have a copy) Where a lot of relationships are broken up because BOTH the husband and the wife feel that they GIVE and GIVE and GIVE and the other person doesn't care. (I understand how you feel that you buy him lots of gifts and he never gives you anything, but I would be willing to bet that he feels he gives you EVERYTHING in the way of supporting the family and you never do anything for HIM...) so yeah... "men are from mars women are from venus" (and NO, I have no financial ties with the book, LOL it just really opened my eyes)
  8. Porn, is sort of a 'user defined' subject. I think you're normal in that just about everyone at some point has looked at, (or read) porn, and the majority of those have well you know, 'done their thing' to it. Have you messed up your chances with your girl? Possibly, possibly not, that's up to her and you. Being in a similar situation I would say no, because you guys have gotten back together over this before, I would judge you have a good chance this time as well... but as long as you continue to use porn in a manner that your GF finds offensive your chances of patching it up get smaller and smaller. Your GF's World: I can't think of any in particular, but there are support web sites out there for porn addicts. Your girlfriend seems to view porn as I do: It's cheating. Picture this: Your out at a restaurant and a cute guy is sitting next to your table, he starts stripping, not for any reason but that he wants to be naked. Your girlfriend has ceased to notice you and is oogling the very good looking stud. She starts to perspire and pant gently, suddenly she jumps up and rushes to the 'restroom' while there she may (or may not) have just uh... serviced herself. You don't know, you weren't in there with her, only the image of 'him' was with her. When she gets back to her seat, he is gone, (they kicked him out) she is flushed and still a little sweaty. She turns to you and starts talking as though nothing had just happened. What would you think? How would you feel? Now, what if you asked her "uhm... what was that? Why were you staring at him?" (or some other similar question about WHY she reacted the way she did.) and she tells you, "Oh, that was nothing, it doesn't matter anyhow, it's not like I know the guy or anything..." or "What? I didn't talk to him, it's not like we did anything TOGETHER, he didn't even see me" or how about "Oh, he's been coming here doing that for years, that's why I like to eat here... it's no big deal."
  9. My BF and I have been together for more than 2 years. We've had our share of problems (major & minor) but we've made it through and I expect someday we'll be married & grow old together. If we make it through this [EDITED for BREVITY AGAIN!] Short version: BF has been out of work for 3-4 months now, and at first he was really looking hard for a job, but now he doesn't seem to care anymore and I'm fustrated with not knowing how to talk to him about it. [EDITED portion Done - long 'original' version follows (Note: It is HARD to make this short! Here's my 3rd attempt) Past History: BF is hard working, I have seen this for myself, I know this, this is not in dispute. June/July: BF quit job when employer threatened him, I'm glad he left that place! September: I started washing dishes at a restaurant. (We do not live in a city, so job selection is SMALL) I make less than 100 a WEEK. NOT enough to live on, but I can't work more due to the needs of my autistic son (From a previous relationship) September/October: BF should be hearing back soon from 2 EXCELLENT jobs (although no guarantee he'll get them), he has been doing odd jobs for friends & family for cash (which does help) but has not been putting in or following up on any new applications. There are SOME jobs he refuses to apply for because he wouldn't want to do that job (I.E. something like I do.) He snaps at me whenever I try to discuss our situation with him that 'he knows'. I do not know what to do, or how to reach him. I have TRIED to explain to him that I love him, and I do not blame him for our situation, but we NEED to figure out what we are going to do! We have no money, we have (virtually) no income, I have cut ALL the corners we can, I have even sold my horse for some cash & to avoid having to spend money on food/care for her... but this isn't enough. I've checked and double checked... if he had a job making at least $6 at a regular full time place... we would not be having ANY financial problems right now... NONE!!!! He could make this twiddling his thumbs at a fast food joint!!!!! ](*,) I'm SO fustrated now that I'm beginning to compare this relationship with a prior one... only the guy I was with then (6 years) sat all day and played video games while I worked, was pregnant, cooked, cleaned and everything else. I swore I would never again let a guy take advantage of me like that... my BF now DOES cook, and clean, and although he doesn't have a 'job' he does work around the house, and does make some money doing those odd jobs for people which as I said helps... but it's not enough, and I feel as though he isn't really worried about our dilemma, nor do I feel he is really trying to find a solution, how to make more money somehow, or to lessen our expenses or whatever. It's as though he avoids talking to me about it because he want's to avoid thinking about it, because that'll make it just 'go away'....I feel as though I'm the only one in the house that is even IN the 'real world'. I'm SOOOOOOOOO F'n Stressed!!!!! So yeah... any thoughts/advice/comments would be nice! ^_^
  10. Oh, and P.S. to the previous post: I commend you for your efforts, and your willingness to forgive. Keep in mind though, if what you want is the best for your wife, and her happiness... a trial seperation might be good... perhaps what she really wants/needs to be happy is a test run on independence... but that is something I only recommend AFTER you've given all your other options a try... I know that with how I felt after admitting to my behavior if he would have asked for us to be separated, I would have been crushed and barraged with thoughts that he didn't want me, didn't love me and I would probably have run. So if IT DOES come down to that, talk about it thouroughly and define the 'rules'... when, where you each would stay, for how long, whether or not dating etc. is allowed and if so, how 'far' it would be allowed to go, how finances will be covered, whether you guys will see each other, when and where, for how long...and decide what will happen if any of the rules are broken, and what the consequences would be (ex: divorce if sexual activities are participated in) etc. Make sure you let her know you WANT to stay together but that her happiness is more important and that you feel like this is your only option left to give her happiness, by giving her space to decide FOR HERSELF what it is she truly wants.
  11. Wow... this one really hit home. Not only have I been reluctant (but eventually gave in) to medication (which helped me to a point and I no longer need or take it,) and not only have I been cheated on but my current boyfriend and I had been dating for almost a year when I cheated on him. (We have now been together for more than 2 years.) So- First the medication issue: Medication, would probably help. Medication along with counseling is not an answer but a step in the path towards getting your wife back to a state in which she feels like a human again. It sounds like she's been depressed for so long, she probably doesn't even remember what that is like!!! I was medicated for depression and anxiety in my first relationship (6 years with a child) in which I was being cheated on... I was medicated with Zoloft, was on it for only a few months (6 perhaps?) and was going to counseling up to a few times a week. The counseling sessions became less and less, and soon after so did the medication until I no longer took any. At that time I found a job (I was forced to quit my previous one due to my problems with depression) and ever since I have felt like a MUCH happier version of me. I didn't want to continue with the medication as I had problems adjusting the first month... dizzyness even while sleeping, shakes, chattering teeth (muscle spasms not coldness) etc. I thought that being depressed was better than the symptoms, but decided to stick it out for at least a month... but my body soon adjusted, the symptoms vanished and I didn't feel or seem different to my friends or myself, except that I had a much better ability to handle the issues that bothered me, ecspecially with counseling. Looking back it's almost as though the counselor helped me find the root of my fears and depression while the medication REMINDED my brain what it felt like to be normal, and how to cope with those problems... it did NOT make me a happy bouncy person, but it DID help me from not overeacting to every problem in life. Those 'good' pathways in my head had not been used in so long that everyone of my thoughts traveled down this deep dark path of all the worst possiblities of what would happen, and made me think all the worst thoughts about myself, who I was, and my 'value' in this world. Despite not only myself but everyone else telling me I shouldn't think that way, and that things aren't that bad... you just can't help it!!! That's why it's DEPRESSION and not just SADNESS. After taking the medication long enough that I 'got used' to travelling down the 'good' road in my head, whenever I would start to get depressed, or moments in life would make me anxious, I would stop... take a deep breath and tell myself no... this is the wrong way... things ARENT this bad... They are bad but I CAN handle them, and they WILL get better... and I would try to remember how it felt to take the 'good' path and think positive thoughts. To the present day this is what helps me get over the bumps in life and helps me from spiraling back down into that black hole. As to the trust: I didn't have sex with the guy, we only kissed, but what I DID do was somewhat unexpected and yet somewhat not but it was all wrong (the first post I made on here was in regards to my BF's post about the issue if you want to know details.) I am extremely lucky, and thankful that my BF was also willing to forgive me. I had 'excuses' for my behavior, reasons why things happened as they did, as well as not really knowing why things happened as they did. (I realise that's a contradiction... but that's the way it was.) We are still together and happy with a much better trust between us. However, things are still not perfect nor will they ever be. Trust even 'repaired' is never quite the way it was initially. It can be better or worse, but never the same. The deal (From my point of view) is that 1- you give excuses to her behavior, so either you believe, or want to believe these are the reasons for it. IMO- these probably DO have SOMETHING to do with the reasons... they are most not likely the WHOLE reason. She may have other reasons, she may not be able to understand fully why (I know I still don't) but there is no one single reason, you will never get a fully satisfactory reason... so you're going to have to accept the reason she gave, or accept that you will never get a better explanation. 2- you dwell on the details and thoughts of her with 'him' or 'them'. IMO- this is normal. It took more than a year before it felt like my BF was finally letting those thoughts go. and yet even today he gets a look in his eye, or I say something that he responds to in such a way that I feel he is once again thinking of that period in our lives. It hurts... it hurts you, it hurts her... I also think this is something that will never go away, but it WILL get better as long as she doesn't continue to break the trust. It may also help to get all new sheets, or a new bed if you can. 3- Both of you not being happy together, and being 'stuck' - IMO-You need to break out of that line of thinking. Yes you are married, and I understand you feel that is a binding agreement for better or worse and that you will not break that for obviously any reason... but you are NOT STUCK! If you stick your fingers into one of those 'chinese finger traps' you are not stuck until you try to pull them out. You came into this marriage and have made it clear that it is a marriage forever- thus you are not trying to back out of it, and so you are not stuck in it, this is a choice that you have made and now you are at a point where you have to work hard to make it better. Hopefully she is also willing. You both have been unhappy for a long time, so you're going to have to start at the beginning. Go to a marriage counselor. Together. Compromise on the jeans... set aside a special night for the two of you to have a date, tell her you will wear the jeans at least that night as long as she lets you help her pick out an outfit. Surprise her with a backyard picnic, or a dinner at a hole-in-the-wall place that serves great food but is not well known (check newspapers or do a web search for local places.) Listen to her... truly listen... if she says she likes or dislikes something ecspecially if it's about you, or your relationship, don't tell her to avoid it, or that she shouldn't feel that way or any other "You should or You shouldn't" type phrases etc. tell her things like "oh, I hadn't realised you felt that way." and "wow, I can see why that would upset you." If she says that she really likes the way you look in those pants you hate, tell her something like, "They do make me feel uncomfortable as if I was wearing dirty clothes, but I am glad you like them. It does make me feel good to make you happy." Also, maybe you both could do some sort of volunteer work together, it truly makes you feel good to do something for others and it would give you guys something positive to focus on, and to talk about together as well. Whenever you guys are out on a 'date' ask her questions about herself... if you don't know what her favorite color is ask... or ask her if it is STILL her favorite, or perhaps even if you DO remember, tell her "I was wondering why your favorite color is (pink)" Remember to LISTEN... You can also write her love letters, and encourage her to write back. Or even just 'plain ole' letters. Tell her how you feel, and how you want to work things out, some of your thoughts on how you would like to go about this etc. This will not only help focus your thoughts, but also give you two a chance to communicate thoughts and ideas you may have trouble with outloud... Counseling is going to be your best option... they will give you better ideas of what to do, and will be in the best position to get to know you both, your viewpoints, as well as the best help and advice. PHEW!!! that was quite a bit of typing! I hope that helps, at least to get your wheels turning!!!
  12. I think both of these are EXCELLENT suggestions! When you're child reacts as strongly as your son does to going to his dad's we always fear the worst. If there is some sort of court requirement or whatever that your son HAS to spend time with his father, then it would be best to try and be there yourself, or someone else that your son knows and you both trust to supervise. If that's not possible, get things changed. If your son does not want to see his father he shouldn't have to at least unsupervised he's old enough to decide where he wants to live and who he wants to see. Regardless of whether or not he is able to tell you his reasons for not wanting to go, i really think he should go to a psychologist or counselor. This way he has someone to talk to about whatever bothers him that he may or maynot feel that he can tell you. If you and your ex are on okay terms, you should talk to him as well and find out what they do during there visits, and who they see etc. If your son only spends an hour at a time over there it doesn't sound like he would not want to go because his dad runs the house differently than you do, I mean... it's only an hour, you think they'd go out to eat, or go to a park, or do something fun for that time... I know if I didn't see MY child for more than that every so often, I would do everything I could to make sure he has a great time... that your son is scared of going for even that small amount of time is VERY fishy. This is something you definitley need to act on ASAP, if it's just your son deciding he wants to make things difficult, well then okay... but for all of the other 'scary' reasons his behaviour could be stemming from, the sooner you act the better!
  13. It does seem strange that he says you need to watch out for your friend... well why would you need to watch out, you don't have hordes of men following you around (like a shepard with sheep) where you have to keep an eye out incase a 'wolf' comes along and steals them. Instead you have ONE man whom you're about to marry, so supposedly he is all for you and ONLY you as well. So the only 'sheep' you have to watch out for, is him, and no matter how many wolves are out there... he can only get snatched if he wanders away from you, and at that point there's really nothing you can do about it, so really there is no WATCHING that you need to do at all. RIGHT???? Well, I've noticed that men are prone to saying the wrong things, they don't think like we do. When you tell a guy about this and that and how you feel about the whole issue... they usually tend to say things like, why didn't you do this, or you should do that. This is SO fustrating and we begin to feel like he's not listening to us, or question why he chose that certain phrase, whether or not hes hiding something etc. Because what we want to hear is the emotional side of the issue "Yeah, it is really sad that she had such a hard time in her search for love, I feel really bad about that. But she truly seems happy now and I really think that's great for her. You're really a wonderful friend to have stuck with her through all of that crap. I can understand how she would be jealous of our own happiness." Now he shows he was listenening to you, there were no hidden meanings and you have no worries, no stress (at least about the hidden message) etc. So my thoughts: First, he's the guy that loves you. You two are about to be married. He obviously does what he can to make you happy (why else get married?), you two are having a conversation about the Brides maid and he in typical guy style doing his best to prove he's listening and trying to contribute to the conversation ends up saying the wrong thing. You took it the wrong way and through a communication error things got blown out of proportion Now you're thinking all sorts of terrible things. However... I wasn't there, I didn't hear the conversation, and I don't know either of you, but that is what it sounds like happened to me. HOWEVER... my second thought is that (being a woman myself) his comment does sound weird. There is no way of MY knowing though, whether it was just a guy's wrong choice of words or a hidden warning. Only you can tell that. In order to do that, you have to really think about whether this is the FIRST time he's given you this "He's attracted to your friend" feeling. Have you gotten any hints or signals from your girlfriend. Have you had misgivings or doubts about him BEFORE you started getting wedding jitters. Are the jitters just pointing out an issue that was there before, but you 'just ignored' knowing you were going to be married? Whether you've been with this guy for 6 months, or 6 years... you really need to be aware of your feelings, and trust them. Think about what happened... did he just say a series of wrong things that lead you to think about this... or did you have the misgivings before, and what he said just sort of confirmed in your subconsious these fears you've been having? (Edited: If it was just a miscommunication-okay... if you're truly distressed and worried about it then: see below) Tell him you really need to talk to him... and let him know that you would appreciate it if he didn't say anything at all until you are finished. Sit him down somewhere and ask "Will you please tell me if you are attracted to (Her name here) and whether anything has happened between you two that you don't want to tell me." Then wait, as patiently as you can for his answer... he may rant and rave about other things, about how you wrongly accuse him of that and how he had a slip of the tongue the other day when you were talking and that his shoes need to be shined or whatever... just listen to him and wait for the REAL answer to your question...the only answers that should satisify you to this question would be either a yes/no I am/not attracted to her yes/no nothing/something has happened OR a yes/no I will answer you. If after a while he has not answered you, gently remind him that you are waiting for an answer from him. If you get the yes/no I will answer you. Yes ask- "okay, are you attracted to my friend and has something happened between you two?" and again wait patiently for an answer. if you get a no say- "Okay honey" (or whatever pet name you use) and leave the room (as calmly as possible)... go somewhere you can be alone, he may follow and change his mind about telling you, he may not though, but at least you'd have a chance to really think about whether you are doing the right thing or not. If he tells you one way or another about feelings for his friend or something happening between them... you'll just have to decide whether you trust him, and what it is you are going to do about the matter. Sorry so much, but I hope it helps!
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