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  1. cranbers, You post a lot of good questions, all of which should be posed to a good divorce attorney. As crazy as your situation is I'm sure an experienced divorce attorney will have dealt with (or at least heard of) a similar case, and know how to handle it. The one suggestion I would make though, is that this situation sounds like one where recording devices would come in very handy. A video or audio recording of one of your arguments with her saying all the emotional blackmail things she does, that would be golden in court. As to the legality of that and how best to do it - I don't know. So, you should go find that lawyer and ask them.
  2. cranbers, After reading up to the third paragraph in your post I decided to check your previous posts to see your history. All the way back in August you came here with a horror story of a marriage and nearly six months later, where are you now? The same place you were when you came here, plus six additional unhappy months spent in a hopelessly unhappy marriage. Yours is one of the worst stories I've ever read on this site. But as bad as things are for you, I can really only feel so much sympathy for you - and it isn't much. You made a number of mistakes shortly after you met this woman that I don't think I have to point out, because you're aware of them now and probably even as you made them. The person I truly feel sorry for in this situation is your son. He's totally innocent in all this and if you do nothing then he stands to grow up in a dysfunctional family with two very unhappy parents, one of them being a completely neurotic mother. Is that what you want for your son? No? Then get off your ***, stop posting on an internet forum where people are only telling you things you already know and do something about it. I hate to be so harsh, but really, I don't know what else you need to be told. You've made post after post where people have sympathized with you and give you simple good advice. Yes, your wife is crazy. Yes, she is unfair to you and making your life a living hell. Yes, you should leave her. Now when are you going to stop talking about it and actually do it?
  3. There is only so much you can do when your partner isn't willing to work with you. And when he would rather lay down in bed than try to comfort the mother of his child when she is crying - that is a bad sign. That being said, there are some things I would suggest. Although it may be tempting to say things and vent when you are upset, as I'm sure you've already learned it can often not be constructive. Either yo two end up fighting, or he continues to sleep/pretend to sleep. Either way you are left upset and the situation is not resolved. It would be better for you to try and discuss these things with him at a neutral time when the both of you aren't upset and thinking more clearly - NOT IN BED. Preferably sitting down at a table together. Make a list of your issues and things you want to change. The first thing I would ask him if I were you is, "Do you want to try and work things out and stay together?" Just a simple, honest question that should be asked as if you want an honest answer - not to be told what he might think you want to hear. And based on his behavior towards you in the recent past be prepared to hear "no" if he is honest. If he says he does want to work things out then you should probably insist on finding some sort of couples counseling. I think it is the only thing that can save your relationship, if it can be saved. As far as the possibility of you two splitting up and your child together, that is unfortunate especially given your family history. However, staying together simply for the children is never a good idea in my opinion. You're already have these kinds of problems with him after five years at age 20. If things don't change and you stay together, where will you be in another ten years at age 30? Can you imagine the kind of loveless unhappy household your daughter (and any other children you might have) would grow up in? Better to grow up in a happy single parent home than an unhappy two parent home. And you absolutely must be prepared to leave him if he doesn't change and you are still unhappy. If you aren't prepared to leave him, then you have nothing to back up your wanting change in the relationship. He will have no incentive to change, and as he's already shown you he wont. But if he sees you are ready to bolt, maybe it will be the trigger he needs to turn things around.
  4. What isn't necessarily true? And why do you mention the wake up call subject? Reading your previous post where you stated.... Are you saying that she dumped him as a wake up call to let him know she wasn't getting the attention/reassurance she needed? If a relationship has very little hope or can't survive periods of absense, then really, why try to work it out? I don't see NC as a tool to try and salvage things in this situation (although it may work in that function in other situations). NC is what needs to be implemented to end this mess and help the OP keep his sanity. It will probably benefit his ex as well, but NC is first and foremost always for the person implementing it. My fiance went away to college a little over a year into our relationship. One of us dumping the other person because of that was never an option for us. Why? Because we cared for each other and wanted to be together. And we had to deal with a four hour drive between us. Neither one of us drives. All we had was holidays, occasional weekends and the summer. Four years later we are living together and engaged. Chevy369's ex on the other hand, dumps him as soon as he moves into a dorm because she doesn't trust him. And it's not as if he was moving far away - they still see each other often. Whether she cares for him or not is not the prime issue in my eyes. There are many times when two people can care for each other deeply, and despite that a healthy relationship between them is an impossibility for any number of reasons. Chevy369 is just asking to get burned if he continues to speak to her.
  5. Her mother is completely right. This situation needs to end, the sooner the better. One of you has to step up and be firm about initiating no contact. Since it's clearly not going to be her, then it has to be you. She obviously has her issues, and clearly isn't yet ready for any sort of mature relationship. She has a lot of growing up to do. Understand that this relationship isn't going to work, and as painful as it is for you you must stop all contact with her after making it very clear you are tired of this nonsense, and think it is best to have no sort of a relationship with her at all. Even a friendship is not advisable with her in her state. Let me warn you now so you can prepare yourself for it though: immediately (or soon after) you make it clear that you don't want her and don't want to speak to her, she will suddenly make up her mind that she really wants to be with you and only you, and she'll drop the other guy or do whatever else is necessary to have you. Don't fall for it. She may mean it at the moment she says it, but after you are together again it will be the same old thing with her insecurity and she'll change her mind again starting the cycle all over again.
  6. I respectfully and completely disagree. mrrisotto says that she is accusing him of doing things he is not. The question shouldn't be so much how he handles the arguments, but whether or not his GF should be starting them in the first place. If the accusations she is making are based solely on her own fears and insecurities, and not any real world facts or evidence that would lead a rational person to have doubts in their partner then it IS her problem and mrisotto shouldn't be made to feel guilty about things he isn't even doing. I believe it is the job of all three people in this situation to help her with this. The therapist, mrisotto, and most important of all the GF herself. All mrisotto can do is what any good partner can - be open and honest with his GF, and understanding of her difficulties (in this case being her trust issues). But if she can't get over her trust issues, mrisotto shouldn't have to pay for that by being her emotional punching bag. Mr Risotto - You may love her, but as I'm sure you are coming to realize you can't fix her. All you can do is meet her half way, and if she can't learn to trust you after a year with the help of a therapist, then it's time to stop blaming yourself, stop looking for a way to fix something that can't be fixed, and move on. It's really hard to have a relationship with someone who is still carrying wounds from previous partners, and in future whenever possible you should avoid it.
  7. I suppose you're right. Saying you're sorry does make it easier to speak about things. In a situation like this though, when you have to convince your partner to give up the "friend" who openly expresses their love for you, is it even worth trying? That and the "I'm never right about anything" comment make me think this relationship doesn't have a future at all...
  8. Are you guys reading the same post? Am I the only one who read about this other guy CONFESSING HIS LOVE FOR CHAOS'S GF RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM? This is more than a simple insecurity with a partner's opposite sex friend. This guy has feelings for Chaos's GF which he has openly expressed, and is using emotional blackmail to continue his "friendship" with her. Nothing he said in his post makes me think he has anything to apologize for. Some of you may think differently, but I'm wondering how you factor in the whole "I love you, can't live without you, I'd kill myself if I ever lost you even though I'm not your BF" thing....
  9. If this were the extent of their relationship I would agree with your girlfriend that you are being insecure. However, there is this.... If he has expressed these feelings to her openly, clearly what they have is more than a simple friendship. There is sexual tension. The fact that he actually said these things in front of you gives you more than enough justification to be uncomfortable about what they say and do with each other behind closed doors. I would never in a million years allow a partner of mine to be "friends" with another man who openly said such things about her in front of me. More likely, I would beat the $%^* out of the guy myself if he wants to die so bad. Seriously, I would demand immediately that she never see or speak to him again or our relationship would be over. What it all boils down to is who is more important to her? You or him? If he had never said that then you wouldn't have a case for being uncomfortable with their relationship. But he did say it, right in front of you, and she hasn't done anything. On the one hand I feel sympathetic for your girlfriend because she is in a delicate situation. This guy clearly isn't stable, and I believe her when she says she feels sorry for him. However, she should not let her sympathy for him get in the way of her relationship with you by allowing this other guy to use emotional blackmail on her. Because that's exactly what he is doing, and she is letting him. If that is the case, in addition to the problem you have with her relationship with this "friend" I would advise you to drop her immediately. Too many complications, and she clearly isn't making you a priority.
  10. Why are you assuming she is going to clubs to do something like that? Has she openly told you that is the kind of dancing she does, or are you just letting your imagination run wild? If you're not comfortable with that kind of behavior, have you told her so?
  11. On the one hand I'm thinking that it has been only three months since she broke up with her former partner of six years. That kind of a breakup is hard on anyone, we all grieve in different ways, and three months isn't enough time to get over that kind of a relationship for most people. That being said, if she applies the same kind of unnecessary dramatics to many other things as well, I can understand how it would be emotionally draining on you. I think you have been given some good advice so far, but only you are in the position to know what's best to implement. Hopefully telling her that you are just plain tired of hearing about it (with whatever degree of firmness you deem appropriate) will do the trick. However, if your attempts to get her to stop trying to get sympathy fail then by all means end the friendship and don't feel guilty about it. Her happiness is her responsibility, and if she wants to create situations that make her unhappy so she can mope about it and tell other people for sympathy - that's on her.
  12. As soon as I read you were making plans to go and see her, I knew that she would be doing something to upset you or make you jealous - probably another guy involved. So obvious...she did it all to hurt you and you let her. Do I really need to echo my advice again? You can pick up the phone RIGHT NOW and call your phone provider to have your number changed.
  13. I agree with DN. I think it would be a bit premature to bolt immediately, but at the same time if you want this marriage to work it's time to start doing some talking with him. Couples counseling would be a definite, and if he has been in therapy for years then I think he should find a new therapist - whoever he is seeing right now clearly isn't working for him. Another thought - I would strongly suggest that you postpone having a baby until you get these problems worked out with your husband. I understand if you are concerned with your age and your biological clock, perhaps you should speak to your doctor about how long it can wait. But in the present situation, I don't think it would be healthy to have a baby complicate the situation and possibly face growing up in a broken home because your fears are realized and your husband leaves you for one of his ill conceived fantasies. At present it seems like you are going back and forth with him. He says something extremely stupid and disrespectful about his desires for another woman, hurting you in the process. You become upset, he tries to reassure you. The cycle then repeats itself sometime later. Hopefully if you tell him you want to postpone having a child until you two get your issues worked out, he will realize how close he is to losing you if he doesn't get his act cleaned up and it will be the incentive he needs for real change if he loves you and wants to keep you.
  14. I think you handled things about as well as they realistically could have been handled, and for that you should be proud of yourself. You may not feel as empowered as you would like, but you are still stronger than you give yourself credit for. Just read the abuse and violence and infidelity boards - many women stay with partners like your ex. It's unfortunate that he's trying to spoil your nights out. Would it be at all possible to start going to different clubs/bars without much inconvenience to yourself? If not, then I think you can only continue what you've been doing - ignore him as best you can. Eventually he should grow tired. A restraining order would be good, but as he hasn't threatened or done violence to you, his actions probably don't qualify him for one.
  15. It's only natural for you to feel sympathy for her. She is in a bad spot and you two once shared some great times together. But feeling sympathy for her shouldn't prevent you from doing what you know you should.
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