ErasedCitizen

Hello everyone, Well finally college work is done and such so as promised I will post again. I have just completed the letter I was talking to and shared it with my precious friend online. I am in a very quiet place right now and I have been introverted for a good hour or so, just thinking about things. I want to first of all thank everyone for their input regarding my situation. I really would still like to talk about it, several people have IM'ed but I couldn't get to any of them because of time constraints and what not, so if anyone would like, do please IM me and I'll talk. I may be shy and all, but eventually I will open up, just be patient. I guess the only thing that's going on with me right now besides the hurt of finally accepting goodbye is fears. To directly quote my e-mail to my precious online friend: "I just don't know if the pain that I have been going through is worth it for something that may not happen. I may never find love. I may just quit dreaming about love and just try to build a happy life single and just live life single. I really want to love though. I just don't know if my heart can ever be loved. I don't know if anyone could fall in love with me. And if they did, if I can return the same feelings. It just so complicated. Then there's the whole thing of trying to find love. I don't know how to find that special someone as I mentioned in the big e-mail with the Internet. I am prepared to just live life alone for a very, very long time. I am so tired of being lonesome. I want to have a healthy relationship but I don't know if it will ever happen." I think that's all that needs to be said. A few things though, I am proud of my kind heart. I definitely don't have low self esteem when it comes to my heart, I do love my own heart because... well its a kind heart ^-^. But then again my heart isn't kind because sometimes I have thoughts of justice in my mind. I wonder if my ex will ever look back on me and regret her decision, not saying I want her back, but just saying that she'll realize she messed up by leaving me. That makes me feel arrogant. I don't mean to be arrogant. I'm, I suppose that's all. Thank you all for your messages of support. If I could I would like to talk online with someone, just if you catch me on MSN or AIM, send me an IM if you want to... Thank you again everyone... - Wade-Cure (without the dash)

Hello everyone, Thank you all very much for your messages and words of comfort, it means a lot to me. I really want to address more of these but unfortunately I have an exam and am stockpiled with college work. Some people have sent PM's, I am very thankful and I will address each one of these PM's as soon as all this college stuff is done. It seems like that will happen either very late tonight or sometime tomorrow. I apologize everyone for not being able to respond. So if anyone's wondering how I'm doing, I guess I'm doing better but I'm still sad. I wish I could make myself believe the obvious, which is she is a heartless wench as the previous poster said, but I can't seem to make myself believe it. Some people have figured out who my "alter username is" (which is Wade and Cure {put these two words together as one word}) in order to prevent our mutual friend from seeing my sadness. I have been doing exercises for the past few days (burning 400 calories a day, eating a lot less) and my weight has already started to go down, which is good. Umm, other than that, I just wish I could understand why it's so easy for someone to ravage my heart like that. I'm about to write a goodbye letter from her to myself as suggested by this "Healing a Broken Heart" book (it was the next exercise.) I don't know. I guess I'm a very simple boy in this complex relationship game, I just want simple true love. Oh well. I'll post again tomorrow or very late tonight. Thank you all for your encouraging words

Thank you for the advice you two. I agree 100% with what you say, I have had no contact with her willingly forever now. No contact did not work in the respect of getting the ex back but it did help in healing.... until yesterday. Just, everything hurts right now... I can't find enjoyment in anything. I'm so sorry everyone, I know I sound pathetic. I have been hurting for so long and if it wasn't for my online friend who I met here I don't know if I would have been able to do no contact. I care about my online friend so much. I just hope she's doing well in her situation, she can't really talk to me now. I don't know if I would have the strength to even continue if it wasn't for my caring for her and my family. I sound so horrible I'm really sorry, I guess I'm just needy for friends right now, someone who can comfort me. Well, if anyone has time to spare, my AIM: trazAKAtarvis, my MSN: email removed. I just don't want to burden anyone with my sadness and immense pain. It's okay to PM and post here too of course. It doesn't matter. Thank you again and I'm sorry that I'm at rock bottom. I've been fighting this battle for so long. I promised my online friend I would never give up, I won't, I will make it through this, it just hurts so much that I'm supposed to have gotten over it by now. My heart is too tender. I love with all of my heart. I can't help it... God created me this way. I've also been created real shy so that's another obstacle if anyone wants to chat, give me time I will open up... I'm just so hurt by everything right now... I'm sorry everyone for the horribly painful posts.

First off, let me say that I know I will sound weak and pathetic here and it's probably because right now I'm weak because I have no one to talk to. I know a boy isn't supposed to be weak, emotions are just a trait we aren't supposed to have but I have them. I usually post under a different name but since my ex's friend snoops message boards I will post under this one (again.) My heart has finally fully broken, I can't imagine how worse I could be feeling, I'm in pain and very fearful at the same time (I want to think it can only get better from here but I just don't know since the hurt has lasted so long.) It all started with a truce and then my ex no contacted me, and I no contacted her back. If you look under my post "desperate for help" you'll see the story. So, I guess the appropriate thing to do is to recount what happened the past yesterday and before. It's just funny how things seem to fall into place, like it's some sort of sign or something from above, or maybe I'm just psychotic. 2 days ago (Thursday) a friend and I had a chat on MSN and brought up how my ex was obsessed with her jerk of an ex-boyfriend. That hurt me of course because she never thinks about me, she never appreciated how kind I was to her. Before I go on then I should mention I'm a "nice guy," but I (like to think) am not very needed and I stand up for my girl and myself. I am one of those people who loves to give. I told my ex she was beautiful and all sorts of things. Even though our dating time was brief, we got so close and suddenly and unexpected she pulled the plug. After a megafight later we "truced" and there was no contact which has lasted for a while (to see what's happened since, see "Desperate For Help" post.) Before that I seen her last name on a message board (not a common last name) and I could've sworn her sister walked by the place were I worked at the same time I seen that. So, yes either I'm a psychotic, these are mega coincidences, or these are some sort of signs (I'm not sure if I believe in signs or not but I am Christian) Yesterday I was leaving my apartment to go home for the weekend as I normally do from college. I was travelling down the street and 2 cars ahead of me... there was her car. So I was nervous but I was like going to play it cool and collected but then she pulled to turn left into a left lane and I had to slowly pass her. I noticed something... she wasn't alone. She had a boy in the car with her, a tall skinny typical preppy kind of boy in her car. I was immediately heartbroken. I know I'm not very attractive and all.... I make excuses like "oh that might be her cousin" or "a friend" but I know that I'm 99.9999999999% sure that I'm wrong and that's a new person or even her jerk ex. I'm almost 100% sure she saw me as I passed her. So all the way home, an 80 mile drive I was just crying. I don't know what to think other than I am hurting and I am heartbroken all over again. This girl was the first girl I really really started to have intense feelings for. Now it's all gone. I have to let go now. But I feel so alone. I need comfort but I don't know where to turn. I know that sounds stupid and weak but I have no friends to talk to, they are all out of town, my family is far away. My wonderful online friend is in a bind of her own right now and I can't in good conscience bother her at times like these. I just have so many questions and so little answers. Questions like - Will I ever meet a girl that loves me for me even though I'm "sweet?" (Yes, I'm the nice guy, my online friend even called me the "sweetest guy in the universe." I want to take it positively but most people I know of outside of the internet really couldn't care about kind hearted boys, just arrogant self-centered types) - Will I ever have intense feelings like I had for her, if not more for someone else, someone better? (everyone has told me I deserved better but it has never stuck in my mind, I caught her lying and such) - How am I ever going to meet that girl? I'm so shy and such... I am a pretty unique individual. My ex was the only person I ever met that seemed just like me. (the keyword here is seemed) - You all know this one: "what's wrong with me" - Am I too nice to be loved? Even though I may be too nice, I can't really change me and I don't want to change me either because I like me for who I am, I really like girls I'm with, I stand up for them, I want to see them happy because it makes me happy... - Is true love even meant for me? What makes me also feel sad is that I'm gaining weight fast and I don't know how to lose it, I fear I'm becoming fat. I don't know how to change that other than starving myself. I guess what I'd like to hear is a story of someone who thought they would never love anyone else again only to find someone that they truly love just as much and hopefully more. But what I really need more than answers are friends and people who care... just to know someone read this and really cared about it even though they can't say anything about it would mean so much to me. I'm sorry everyone. My heart longs to love so badly... I'm a boy... I'm not supposed to hurt like this according to most of society but I do hurt like this. As the Cure song goes, "Boys Don't Cry," unless you happen to be tender hearted like myself.

Thank you very much for your advice. Have I been going about this the correct way? Also what is going on? I have been very distant from both of them, my ex and our mutual friend for a while.

Hello, well I normally post under a different name since my ex's friend has been making the rounds on message boards I have decided to just be this guy. This post will likely be very long but I'm not totally sure. I'm just at rock bottom right now. I have been at rock bottom for quite some time now. I have seen a girl for 2 months, just about 2 months last year and probably a little over a half a year later I'm still hurting. We had a very painful seperation (she dumped me, a day before we were to meet my Mom) that was well documented here. After our inital dump her friend said to me "she's just not ready for a relationship right now, she didn't know what happened, she thinks you are very attractive, maybe you two can reconcile when she's ready." I contact her a month later (bad move). She and I have a huge fight, she says it's not a commitment problem (and I hadn't even mentioned the word in my e-mail) that she wants nothing more than commitment but "it feels wrong." Then she blamed it on me having an anxiety reaction in which she supposedly forgiven. But she didn't ("forgive and not forget?" Where is the logic? Many people who know the story think it's an excuse) Basically it appears (and I do mean *appears*) to be a commitment phobia deal even though she said it wasn't that and it was my anxiety reaction. I have a little story typed up for anyone interested in the full story, (just PM for it) it goes wayyyyy deeper than the little brief summary I wrote here. After our huge fight we initiated a peace deal in which no terms were laid but we had 3 or 4 friendly e-mails to each other and then suddenly she NC's for no apparent reason. Her friend tells me a few weeks later, maybe a month or so about an anxiety reaction (which was the reason for the breakup.... supposedly) that she (my ex) had, I ignored it. I have seen her on the road a few times in the past few months. The first time she waved and I saw her and ignored her, or tried to ignore her. This was a few months ago. I saw her wave but I just looked away with a straight face, no mean face, or happy face or nothing. The next time I saw her was at a four way stop and we were face-to-face for an excruciatingly long time and I tried my best to just look away, I was fearful. A couple of days later (actually 2 days) her friend pops online, knowing full well our past, just says to me without warning "I'm never speaking to {ex} again." I went offline. A week later, she does similar. "Well did you see my away message last night? {ex} finally called! Oh, how clumsy of me lol, if you feel uncomfortable talking about [ex], just let me know. She was asking about you though. *I went away from the computer intentionally but didn't put an away up just because I was terrified* Okay... next subject..." I go offline when I return because I'm terrified. Those six words, "She was asking about you though" have been the most confusing words ever. Then a few weeks later her and my mutual friend (the same one) was having problems with her boyfriend and then suddenly started mentioning my ex again. "You and I are similar, both {mutual friend's ex} and {my ex} are kind of messed up. {My ex} hasn't dated since you.... she has no motivation. Can I ask you a personal question? Are you over it and confident you find someone else? I just want to know how you did it for my ex." I said "I am over it" but left it at that and said no more but continued the conversation about our mutual friend's ex. A few days later she pops up on my messenger and says all of a sudden "oh {my ex} is calling! she says hey to you! brb" I go offline. Now time passes quite a bit till last Thursday. Last Thursday was the most painful day I have ever had in a while. Now our mutual friend has not talked to me in about 2 weeks (maybe more) before last Thursday. Last Thursday I was out at a restaurant, and guess who was there? Yes, my ex. I am sitting there pretty much having a nervous breakdown but acting like I ignored and was calm and collected. I only seen them when they were entering and leaving the bathroom. They were very close to my table but not passing it. I could've sworn our mutual friend made eye contact with me but I'm not sure. That Thursday morning our mutual friend saw me at school. I came back after the restaurant incident and saw our mutual friend's away message: "out with {my ex}." A few days later, in a while of no communication, our mutual friend contacts me, "hey *my name*!" I said, "Hi, I'll brb, playing a game." She said, "Okay." That's was the end of that. Now the confusion of what's going on with my ex, whom I still hurt over quite a bit has absolutely kept me in a circular pattern of going back and forth and obsessing. I try not to, but I do. I have been doing the book "Healing a Broken Heart" and have been in the middle of the Winter phase. It has been a really hard time but despite how many tears I've shed, how many times I've cried, I have pushed on with this book. I know it's meant to make me kind of feel those brutal emotions but I am not sure if I can handle it. There's been so many times when I wanted to break no contact, contact our mutual friend online and ask her what is the deal, but I know that no matter how much it hurts I have to keep my self-respect and dignity. I can't help but feel that this is a game. I hate the confusion. I still have feelings for my ex, I am scared I'll never get rid of them. I have been terrified to check some of my e-mail accounts she knows about for fear that she has or hasn't e-mailed. If she has e-mailed, what in the world do I say? If she hasn't, then I will feel bad. It is a lose lose situation. So I just take the way of the "I'm not checking it." If someone can make sense of this all... it would be nice. Otherwise, I just don't know. I have the full story in a document if anyone wants, just PM. I'm very depressed and I almost want to give up. It's hard for me to even continue the broken heart book. My two friends who I've met here have been very helpful but have seem confused at times. Right now they are both (especially one of them) is going through a really bad phase in their lives I want to help them more out than they are helping me. I feel selfish by asking for their help anymore. So I guess I'll just post here. If nobody can figure it out, feel free to PM and I'll give the story for a more detailed explanation. I just still have feelings for her. I hate it because I wish I could turn them off. It hurts so bad and I feel so sad. Please don't reply with something like "Get over it," it just makes it worse. I have been trying to "get over it" for many months now. It's just been terribly hard. Thank you[/b]