LonelyGirl10

I got my wisdom teeth out two days ago. I've never been so scared in my entire life. When I was laying in the chair, I was scared that I was going to die. And I was scared that I would never get to experience happiness. The procedure went fine though, and it seems like everything is healing up good. My mom left today. Sometimes I still wonder what you're doing, and who you're with. I imagine that you've met a new girl by now. It's been 9 months. I can't imagine that you're still single after all this time. I have a date tonight with a guy that I think is nice. I haven't completely made up my mind about him yet. He's kinda dorky, and he has female friends. I don't think he has great boundaries with them. But I'm going to see where it goes. I've gotten more independent, and I'm fine being alone now. I actually kind of prefer to go to dinner tonight with my friends instead of on the date. Sometimes I still think that you broke me. I loved you so much, and I just don't see how I can ever come back from that. I don't see how I could ever love someone again the way I did you. I don't want to get back together with you. But I miss what we had together.

I'm still thinking about you. This week has been big at work. I love my job. I was in the moment today and feeling so alive. I love thinking and planning. I love when I find a good case in my research. I love writing. It's so much fun for me. And I wanted to share that with you. I wonder if you're dating anyone now. I imagine that you probably are. I'm not. I'm still single. I hate you and love you.

I broke up with a new guy last night, and yet I still consider you my ex. I'm sitting on the couch right now eating pizza rolls and drinking wine, and missing you. I'm scared that I'm never going to find someone that I love as much as I did you. I'm scared that I'm going to going to even feel anything for someone new. I didn't feel anything for him. I enjoyed spending time with him. He was fun, made me laugh. The sex was good. But I didn't feel anything for him. At three months of dating you, I felt like I was going to burst with how much I loved you. Three months with him, nothing. Am I broken? Did you break me? I loved you so much. You were everything to me. I thought about you all day. I dreamed about you. I wanted a life with you. And you cheated on me. Not with just one girl, but two girls. The love of my life had sex with two other girls. How do you come back from that? Yeah, I've dated. And I will continue to date. But I'm terrified that I will never find that feeling again. What if I never fall in love again? I'm still angry at you too. I was so good to you, and you cheated on me. I loved you, and you cheated on me. You didn't love me enough. You laid on that mattress and you had sex, while I was sitting at home missing you. You went out with the model repeatedly, and lied to me. I was so naive. You were having sex, and I was dreaming of a future with you. And after everything that happened, I still miss you. You broke me. And I still miss you.

I still have feelings for you, and I'm ashamed of it. I love being with you. Absolutely love being with you. I'm happy and relaxed, and you make me feel alive. But you cheated on me, lied to me, led me on, and broke my heart multiple times. How is it possible that I still love you? What does that say about me as a person? I haven't added you as a friend on FB. I know this is hurtful to you, but I'm embarrassed for my friends to know I'm talking to you. For the same reason, I haven't told my friends or family that I'm in contact with you still. I think it makes me look bad. I feel guilty for how I know this is probably making you feel though. I feel guilty for how I'm treating you now. I feel like I'm treating you the same way that you treated me in January. I get your hopes up, and then I pull away. I still feel like there's a huge difference though, which is that I didn't do anything bad to you in December to cause you to run away. It was all your fault. So why do I still feel guilty?? I know I need to make a decision. I need to either try to work on forgiving you, and putting you first again. Or I need to walk away from you completely, and let you move on.

I miss you. You cheated on me repeatedly. You lied about who you were, and you lied about everything. And I still miss you. I miss the way you smell. I miss your touch. I miss your freckles. Sometimes I have fantasies of just ignoring everything that happened, and being with you. I love your laugh. And your smile. And the way you slouch. But it was all a lie. You had sex with a prostitute. You called me a ***** for giving a guy a blowjob while I was single, and you paid for a prostitute. You had sex with two girls while you were with me. Two girls. How do you love someone and do that? I thought you were better. I thought you were the one. How am I ever going to get over you?

I hate you. And I told you that earlier today. I texted that I hated you. And I haven't heard from you since then. It felt good to say it. Now I feel bad saying it. Why do I feel bad? You slept with two other girls while you were with me. And the whole time, you were saying all this crap about how you don't believe in the appearance of evil. I hate you so much. I hate you so much. We had a great relationship. We had the type of relationship that other people dream about. But it was all fake. While I was blissfully happy, you were having sex with two other girls. And not just a one time thing. You were dating her. Dating her while looking at engagement rings with me. I hate you. I hate you so much.

I keep showing her pictures to my friends. At first glance, it's obvious that she's prettier than me. But A pointed out something to me. Her boobs are small. And they are. Her boobs are tiny. Mine are not. Mine are too big. And I know how much you love boobs. So I win. My boobs win. Hah!

You slept with a model for four months while also dating me. Her profile says that she is 5'8 and 120 pounds. I am 5-7 and 142 pounds. She is gorgeous. She is a lot prettier than me, honestly. Everyone that I show her picture to says that she's pretty. She has long dark hair with the natural curls. I have chin length hair. She's dark skinned and Asian. I'm white with freckles. She's prettier, obviously. I hate you. I hate thinking of you in bed with her. I hate thinking of how happy and turned on you probably were. I hate thinking about how I probably didn't compare while you were with her. I hate you.

You didn't contact me yesterday. I cried and cried last night. I kept picturing your face, the way you smile. The freckles on your arms. That cute way you look up when you're thinking. I kept seeing you in my hallway. I could still smell you. I even heard you saying that you'd never leave me. I would do anything to go back to that time. I miss you so much that it physically hurts. I thought you were the one. I wanted to spend my life with you. I gave you everything, all of my heart. I trusted you. It hurts so much that you haven't contacted me. I know I have to start trying to move on though. I can't go back to the past. I have to move forward. I want to send you a letter telling you how much I love you. I just want you to know it. But I'm scared that sending a letter will reopen the pain. I don't want you to contact me for the wrong reasons. Maybe I'll wait until it doesn't hurt anymore, and then I'll send it. I'm still hoping that you contact me.

Today is the end of our agreed upon one week of no contact. I woke up excited to hear from you. But it's 4:30 PM, and you have not contacted me. I'm still hopeful that you will contact me tonight. What are you thinking? I'm guessing you still don't know if you want me. You're probably staying away so that you don't hurt me again. I guess I can kinda respect that. But I want you. I miss you. I thought you felt the same way. How did we go from looking at engagement rings to this? How? I just don't understand. I thought I was your perfect girl. You always said that. Was it a lie? How am I ever supposed to trust anyone again?

Today is our last day of no contact. We agreed to not talk for a week. You can contact me tomorrow if you want to. I'm honestly unsure what I want you to do. If you want to get back together with me and you're serious about it, then I very much hope you contact me. If you're going to contact me and lead me on again, then I hope you stay away.

I haven't spoken to you in 5 days. That's the longest we've ever gone. There's so much I want to tell you. I miss you so much. Ever since we broke up, I've been keeping my guard up. I don't drink too much. Don't laugh too much. I don't let people see me. I miss being me. I want so badly for you to come over, us drink a bunch of beers, and to spend hours in bed with each other. I want to let go, be myself again without being so scared. I don't know how to let you go. Even when I think I'm doing better, you're always in the background. You're always in my thoughts. I wish you knew how much I love you. I think you always doubted it. But I loved you so much, and I don't think you ever fully grasped that. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to love again. How is it possible to love someone else when you own my heart? We said we wouldn't talk until Friday. That's three more days. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do if you don't contact me on Friday. It will break my heart all over again.

It's been 2 days since I've heard from you. I know that no contact was my suggestion. But I'm so sad. I want you to ignore the suggestion. I want you to contact me. I want you to show up at my house. I want you to tell me that you made a mistake, and that you love me, and that you want me back. I want you to fight for me. I want you to be mature, and to give me what I need. Throughout our relationship, I was always the one saying I'm sorry. I always put you first. I thought about how you felt about issues, and I tried so hard to always make you feel secure, to make you feel better. I always fought for you. And you were so selfish. You always put your own needs first. And yet, I love you so much. I fell so deeply in love with you. I loved you as a person. I loved your faults. I would give anything to be back with you. I've never loved someone with the intensity that I loved you. I wanted to spend my life with you. I don't know how to move on. I went out last night. All I could think about was how much I wanted to be on the couch snuggling with you. I met a guy. He asked for my number, and I gave it. I kept comparing him to you though. And he doesn't even come close. I don't know how to stop the pain. I feel sad all the time. It's been two months. It's never taken me this long to get over a relationship before. I miss you. I want you so badly. Why are you not contacting me? Do you think of me the way I think of you? Do you miss me? Do you love me? Why wasn't I enough for you?

I know you're treating me bad. I know I deserve better. But I miss you so much. I miss the way you used to look at me. I miss smelling you. I miss us laying in bed for hours talking about everything. I miss playing video games with you, and going to get breakfast at 4AM. I let you have my whole heart. I never held anything back from you. I did things with you that I've never done with anyone else. I trusted you. It hurts so badly. I'm mad at you, but I would do anything to have you back. Why do you not want me? Why? Why wasn't I good enough for you? Please come back to me. Please love me again.