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Neene

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About Neene

  • Birthday 07/31/1988

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  1. Being bi/lesbian is REALLY hard. Every day I hear degrading comments about gays and just sit there and take them. Sometimes I stick up for them(and myself), but other times you can't really say anything. It's almost impossible to find possible dates, because you never really know if someone is gay unless thery're extremly open about it. I'm not that afraid of being open, like if I found a girl I liked I'd date her without shame, but while I'm single I guess I kind of keep a low profile. At my school I have no idea if anyone else is bi/lesbian and no idea how I would go about disdcovering that without actually asking. Sometimes I think girls are interesting in me (this has happneed twice) but they ended up just being those stupid fake flirts that pretend they're bi/les. I asked both of them out and got rejected both times, and now I'm a tad discouraged. Geez!I just want to be able to love who I want without people taking a second glance or talking about me behind my back. It's a good time to be alive in Canada in this time, but things could still be better. We need a lot more tolerance from people, I'm sick of this! I don't know if its different outside highschool, but right now it's pretty bad. "faggot" is still a commonly used insult. I've told my paretns and family that I'm bi and they're perfectly ok with it, but now what? It's almost impossible to date anyone...this sucks. I dont want to have to go to a frickin gay bar just to find a date...this is ridiculous!
  2. hey everyone.... well i ended up taking the tylenol two days ago. I was hospitalized and now I'm still seeking help...but nothing really seems to be working all that well. I have a shrink, a counsellor, and a minister trying to help. I have tons of numbers, and lots of sites...but I still question my existence. I dont know if I want to live. I feel more like a burden upon the earth than anything....infection even.
  3. This isnt fair at all!you're just trying to be a good friend to both of them and they're gettintg angry. they're the ones being immature, or at least your best friend is. He isnt perfect, everyone has their imperfections, and I suppose his is that he sint very sympathetic. which isnt even that big of a problem...so who pissed in his cornflakes?hahah...anyways. He shouldnt be mad at you. You should confront him and say you're sorry if he felt betrayed, but that it isnt what you intended him to feel. Your other friend may be annoying but it seems your best friend needs some help with an issue too-being immature. Tell him you were just trying to be nice and considerate to the ohter person and that you odnt want to be caught in the middle of all this. Let them settle any dispute they have, try to keep out of it from now on since they seem to like getting you involved in the conflict too when you were only trying to help.
  4. See thats the thing..I'm not scare dof asking popel out at all. Its once I'm WITH them I have the problem.
  5. You don't HAVE to say I love you... if you can't say it, chances are you don't. I understand where you're coming from with the "I can't be me"... I've got the same problem. When I'm talking with the guy I like, I end up not talking and being boring because I'm so self-conscious around him right now. It's really hard, especially when you know the problem but don't know how to fix it. It really helps to constantly remind yourself, "There's no reason why he wouldn't like me" and just be yourself that way. I try that and sometimes it works...but sometimes i just forget again
  6. No it wasnt private, I noticed he updated his profile so I checked it out and where it says "my personal website" i found his journal...and the strange thing is...when we went on our "break" or so he called it he told me he still wanted to date me n stuff but not until spring for certain reasons so I said ok w.e if you wanan jsut b friends thats cool. but he was like "no no no" i stil lwnana date you. then i read his profile and find out he has a new gf. wtf?
  7. Maybe...i'm not sure. I am really confiedent with friends and stuff...but in romantic relationships it seems to leave
  8. OK heres the weird thing. i'm not really shy. Like at school I'm pretty outgoing and fun. sometimes I'm a tad introverted (I've been like that since I was a child but as I grew older I grew out of it more). But when I like someone romantically it seems to all fall apart. I feel this tightening in my chest and I cant seem to talk like I normally would. When we get intimate it gets worse, I cant communicate at all, I cant even say "I love you"!!! Then things get worse, I start worrying about every little thing and what they think about me which i know is completely silly! I know I need to calm down and try being myslef but the fact of the matter is I cant! when I rea;l;ly like someone I'm so scared of losing them I get cought up in worrying and DO lose them. If I think they thought I was boring, that ends up being the case. Things like that. Like with friends and even new people I'm not too bad but this is screwing over my love life! i just read my ex's journal and one line said "My last girlfriend was TOO boring....blah blah blah" and it really hurt. When i'm being me i'm not boring at all!!but i CANT be me!HELP!
  9. All my life there's been something wrong. As a child I was tormented in school, sexually abused, and had extreme verbal abuse and some physical abuse at home. My marks were strait a's. I would come home and all my parents would say is that I could do better. I was never good enough, no matter how hard I tried. In grade 9 my parents decided we were all going to move, for no reason either. My dad wasn't going to switch jobs or anything, and there was nothing this new place could offer but a "fresh start" as my mother put it. Some fresh start- my whole life restarted pretty much. A new home, new school, new friends, a new life; I had no say in the matter what so ever. In the months before the move I became anorexic, trying to grasp at least one thing I could control- my weight. My best friend Kat helped me through it and I began to realize I had feelings for her that exceeded friendship. She introduced me to God which helped me through all of this....the pain went away. My faith is what saved me here. This is the point where we finally did move, and it was a HUGE change. I went from my 80 acre farm to a 3 acre lot in the middle of nowhere. I went to a new school where I was shunned. The house wasn't even done and we had to live in a cold dark trailer for 3 months. One day I had to bike home in the rain and I remember walking into the trailer and just crying. I couldn't even have a shower, and there was no heat. I was extremely stressed and started getting into huge fights with my parents. I wanted to go back to my old school and be with my friends and my love. It was possible, but she refused to listen to how I was feeling. One day I just broke. I was talking on the phone to one of my friends which my mom doesn't like and she told me to get off. I didn't want to so she started chasing me (it was a cellphone). I cant remember exactly what was said after i hung up, it was all very angry, but I do remember her last words "Why don't you just go and die?" Even with my strong faith, I couldn't take that. I didn't cry, I just starred blankly at her for a time and left. I know she dindt mean it, but it's the fact that she says things like this and thinks it wont hurt me. I walked about 2 miles down the road and slept under a bridge. It was cold, and I was scared, but I couldn't look at my mother anymore. Cops picked me up at 2 in the night. My mom had called my good friend Sarah at the dance (which mom wouldn't let me go, she was isolating me from my old life) to see if she knew where I was. Of course she didn't and my mom actually asked her if she should call the police. She needed my friends opinion. I could have hanged myself by then. When I got home my mom was drunk (my parents drink a lot...and when they do they either get abusive physically or verbally) and pulling a melodramatic show infront of the cops. Sarah's mother has strongly disliked her since that moment (Sar and her mom came to my house at that late hour of the night, Sarah missing her dance, and my mom couldn't even think to call the police!). Well my mom FINALLY decided to listen, though she did it scarcely. She let me go back to my old school which made things a heck of a lot better, but she would also make me feel guilty or weak about it. ("I don't know why you couldn't just go to a new school, you break your dads heart, ect) Well here life was ok, I was having a blast at school....but I was also falling deeper and deeper in love with my best friend Kat I mentioned earlier... until I couldn't stand it any longer and told her how i felt. In short, I was rejected and it tore me apart. I prayed for the feelings to go away but God didn't answer me, nothing seemed to be able to answer this problem. I loved her, and I still do love her, but I cant even have a chance with her because I was born without a penis. I began losing my faith, and now its completely gone. I instantly withdrew from her so I couldn't hurt myself more. I dated a bunch of guys, but none of them could compare. Even now I'm in a relationship with a girl (that still has a boyfriend!!!! ) I know she doesn't deserve me and I know for a fact she psychologically abusing me and making me feel worthless but I'm too stupid and weak to get out of it. I think I hold on to her just so I have at least a glimmer of love from someone. I treat her so well too...why cant she treat me as I do her? I'm not good enough for anyone...and deep inside the only one I even really want is my Kat . My friends have also been changing a lot too and I've discovered I've been used and stepped on, and fallen back on with no return favour back. Not that I ask for anything...I just don't want to be stepped on and used. Sarah is my all time best friend, she has never hurt me, but I don't treat her as well as I should, I don't deserve a friend like her. I flirted with a guy she really liked and I screwed us over for a law project...some friend I am. Recently I got into a fight with a girl. She was making fun of me so I stood up for myself and she made a huge deal outta it. She still teases me in school with her big group from the "in" crowd. I remember what she said as I ran away from her in the bathroom with tears streaming down my cheeks- "You're a nobody". I've been reflecting on that. I've been doing a ton of self hate activities lately like self induced vomiting, abusing alcohol and injuring. I've been getting help too and my mom even started to care...for a while. but I've realized something- the only time she does (or shows she does) care is in a crisis. Why cant she stand beside me all the time? I hid a bottle of Tylenol in my room tonight,...and I think its time for me to go. No matter how much I love a person they wont love me back, i'm stepped on and used so many times over and i'm getting sick of it. I'm a nobody, and if i do die yes of course people will cry. I know they will. But they'll get over it....and forget about me. It's not like i'm not already invisible anyway...Call me selfish all you want. I am selfish. I';m also weak because I cant take this like everyone else seems to. Everyone used to call me so strong...but now I look in the mirror and see the truth. I'm so weak. I give up on my true love and chase after others hoping to find some sort of satisfaction. I get hurt and refuse to get myself out of the situation because I hate myself so much I feel unworthy of anything. Stupidity right there, and I know it. I am a coward, which is ironic, since my zodiac sign is leo. I must be the cowardly lion...lol. My marks have dropped in school and i'm losing my purpose. It's fading away with al my other dreams and hopes that are either crushed by others or myself. I cant hold on much longer.
  10. Errrrrm twice a day with a vibrator? I have about 5 orgys a night from fingering...and sometimes i get really bad and get up to about 20 and 30 is that....normal?
  11. Hey there I hope you people have some good advice cuz I'm very stuck... I have a friend, lets call him Bob. Well bob and I were chatting one day on msn about sexuality. He is aware that I'm bisexual*leaning more on the lesbian side*. He then told me his gf was interested in experimenting in other females and wondered if I was interested. So i got to know her better and we hung out n stuff....it's been 4 months now though and I think i'm getting attached. But I don't really know where I stand in the relationship; I feel like an experiment. Bob practically lives with his gf and I dont get to see her as often bc shes pretty far. I don't know her feelings for Bob either...or how close they are...i'm so lost! I don't know what to do...HELP!
  12. Whoa that is so weird!you're like my clone or something...lol. Anyway, I'm kinda in the same situation myself, I mean not exactly the same, but pretty darn close! I'm 16 and I'm i've been in love with my best friend since gr 8. you should pm me and we'll swap ideas^^" Neene
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