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Ron

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  1. hi GoodGirl, I'm sorry you have had to go through this. It does sound like you love your husband still and that you're trying to make sense and grasp the whole thing before it falls apart. It must be painful. and while i'm not in a military relationship, i'm in a long-distant one (Long Distance as in he's in Sth africa, i'm in Asia - 10 hour flight, for next 3-5 years, see him maybe over a weekend every 6 months). I'm sure it's not the same as the regiments of the military lifestyle probably takes up much more than those of a normal vocation. IMHO, when one party decides to step outside the marriage fence for a peek, there's always a reason.. and I believe that's what counselling does. Counselling doesn't try to solve the problem or raise the "solution book" on what to do next. The benefits of counselling is really getting the two parties to talk to each other - why he did it, what drove him there. Only when two individuals get to talk to each other as adults would you really know where he's coming from. Maybe you'll find out that this woman was really someone he confided during the times you and him were talking about separating... and yet, after all that, he came back to the marriage. She could still be a friend that he's trying to get used to not having . He might be feeling guilty to have stepped out of the marriage, but perhaps it was this friendship that showed him the way back. Yes, essentially, it always hurt when we find that the one we love seems to find comfort elsewhere, but what's more important is "has he come back to you - emotionally, mentally, and physically". Only you would know the answer to this. Alternatively, you may find that he just wanted to find some fun since things in the marriage was getting heated up/boring/over-bearing. Then you will know enough to decide if someone like that is really worth gettin all beat up for. Marriage is sacred - but he's the one who broke the jar, so you have every right to opt to get out and leave the guilty one. I have to say this though, it's seldom that one party is the only one "wrongs". He may have been the one who 'went out" but what's more important is what pushed him out. On that note, telling him 'if he wanted this to work, it's all up to him" sounds like a statement made in anger. It could read as "You screwed this up, so you fix it. and until you prove to me you are Wrong, you will be treated like the two-timing b******d i have categorised you". He can't do this alone. And it's really not his call. It's yours. There's a really cliche line - we teach other ppl how to treat us. We can't blame others, or life, or a military lifestyle if other have wronged us. There's nothing wrong if we want to accept being treated as second best by others. The only wrong is when we accept it, despite knowing we don't want it... and that's YOUR call. Rules are only necessary when the man (or woman, in other cases) needs to be told how to behave. One person should know how they want to love their other person, not be to TOLD how to love. Imagine how it feel would be if HE gave you rules on how you need to behave (on assumption he didn't cheat). Between Hate and Despair, there's obviously alot of anger and love. Only if you love him that he can hurt you so much. So perhaps you really need to find out if he's really worth being so hurt for. And if you really do love him that much to accept what he has done to you. It's never easy, but sometimes, we have to look into the mirror and see what's there. Only then we can see our strengths and shortcomings, as it is. Good luck and i am sorry this happened. Hope things work out for you. Muneca, as always, such sound advise. Most appreciated to hear level-headedness with a touch of heart
  2. you have all just pulled me back out from an otherwise really black day of having to think abt spending another weekend w/out BF. BF is on overseas assignment every 2 months and we only meet once a month. He was back for Xmas hols and it was wondering getting to see so often.. now he's back on the road... sorry, just wanted to rant too and it's good to know that everyone feels it and it's not just ME being a loser ! ya, i agree with confusedboy89, no one understands unless they are in a LDR. i stopped crying at the airports awhile ago (we sorta say goodbye every month so it becomes kinda silly when i cry each time... but it's always "just there"... usually i just think of when to see him next and no think about how far that time is... thanks guys for just sharing this! i feel better already!!!
  3. hi, guess it's not a very easy position to be in.. on one hand Adam has shared the fact he intends to take his life and he's reaching out you to for the last lifeline.. on the other hand, I sense your hesitation in taking up this huge task.. and not suprisingly, alot of us would feel kinda lost on how to more muck this up... I have a friend who was in the same situation and wanted to take his life and he called me the day he was going to do it just to say goodbye. There was no time to think, no time to say no, no time to say i-cant-make-it-for-coffee-today.... have to agree with the rest that it is best to just talk to Adam if that's what he wants, if you're comfortable being in the situation and taking up that task of being "that" friend. If not on the phone. perhaps there maybe alternative avenues to connect with him which you are comfortable with.... i'm not sure what they are, but getting impression you are not comfortable talking to him on the phone, but still v much concerned for your friend. He (my formerly suicidal friend) told me the whole thing, after he took 6 months off and got pyschological help and therapy, that the one reason was just having someone there to keep him occupied enough from having the time to actually "execute" his plan.. he was planning to OD in a hotel room, he called me from the hotel, i sat with him at the hotel cafe/lobby for many many hours until i tot he was slightly more stable (as in can be left alone for 10 min), i ran to the washroom, called his parents and told them to take him home and to the hospital... it was a scary experienced and i had the benefit of knowing this friend very very well before he got ill (depressive) , so i could sense what was wrong... but it's not an easy thing to do and it still took 6 weeks of full-time therapy and counselling before he stabilised. I will say seek help if you're not sure what you need to do, guess your friend still have to time. on the other hand, please be careful, sometimes these things do need professional help and the suicidal depressive may not be who they were and they may not be able to control who they have become. Don't mean to frighten you, but just wanted to make sure you get the necessary and correct level of help to help Adam out of this. Above all, I think the idea is he needs to know, he's not alone..... and neither are you Good luck, my friend... and I think it's great that Adam has you as a friend who cares.
  4. It's important to realise when people take us for granted. You've got special qualities, and maybe he will be the one who will realise it soon, or perhaps someone else would. but whatever happens, we should never let anyone treat us less than what we deserve. I'm sure you have so much to give as a friend and as a companion, and make sure you give it to someone who truly deserves your care and love. A true cliche - but time will heal all wounds... but life will leave a small mark so that we will learn and become stronger. During this xmas cheers, may you find the inner peace and be strong! we're all here for you!
  5. Really sad to hear what you're going through. Probably not the sweetest time in anyone's life. Any harm going to see her? And will you be able to live knowing you had the Oce chance to sort things out (maybe you will get closure when you see her and decide she's happier with the other guy or perhaps you two may realise that perfect is not always the ideal and embrace each other with the flaw that are?)? Not often do we find the one we really want.. soulmates and all, if you believe in that stuff. But then again, not everyone get to marry their soulmates. She seems confused too. Somethings seem clearer in person, when words are no longer necessary. Good luck, buddy. Hope things sort themselves out ...
  6. hi Sophie75...i wished i found this forum many months ago.. !! I have to agree with Muneca. Muneca, love your messages. You have to set the "frame" for the men to pay attention with your actions. Your guy sounds like he's looking for some comfort of having a pseudo-relationship, but also liking the independence of being single again. I'm not sure abt your guy, but if you broke up earlier, there must be a reason.. and until and unless those reasons are being addressed AND "remedied" this round, the poison will still be there. From what you're saying, kinda feels like he's just looking for a warm bed during the chilly days but enjoying the single-and-free-bachelor lifestyle when it suits him. I'm not against this arrangement and some couples do find it nice to stay in these interim relationships, but I think you might be considering a "get-back-together" - something which he never seemed to have explicitly (or even implicitly) expressed. Since you had a relationship before, it's easy to just "continue" and enjoy the good times... there's always good times in a relationship. Maybe the question is do you want him around as a regular bf? or you're happy with the "Let's Just Enjoy Spending Some Time With Each Other" Time. On the other hand, yr man seems to miss spending time with you. But your "availability" at each of his calling, will, unfortunately, make him think he can treat you that way. Men seem to be a creature of want... only when they thing they want you, they will cherish. Someone once told me it's the caveman genes hidden somewhere... Totally agree on yr idea to keep busy occupying your time w/out arranging yr life around him and his timetable. If he wants to be with you, he will do the necessary to fit himself around you. And you can treat him just as you would w/ any other suitors... "yes, i'm interested, but still evaluating ... " It's also a 2-prong strategy.. who knows, maybe there might be someone out there who's attracted to this new confident you! btw, you seem kind needy... hehe. i should know... been there, done that.. learnt the hard way. Like you, the more I seemed needy, the more repelled he was. just chill a little, girlfriend. last thoughts, any man who is not proud to bring you and show you off to his closest friends and family, is not proud of you and never will be. If he doesn't regularly agree to go out with you socially and only wants to meet at his apartment (and yet he actually has a decent social life), you probably fit only in that bit of his life... and you have to decide if that's good enough for you. Lastly, hope things work out.. apologies the paragraphs are all muddled in terms of sequence of thoughts.... late nights at the office before the holidays.. So, here's wishing you a merry Xmas...
  7. Hi.. how's the situation going? Must not be the best of fits to be in at this moment.. but we just have to take hold of life and continue to soldier on. I'm not a big fan of teenage pregnancy but that's secondary. Everyone makes (and lives) their choices. Only way is to look ahead and make the best of the situation. What's more important is perhaps getting you the emotional support to help you plan through this important time. Have you decided on telling yr parents? i guess during pregnancy, at any age, having family supporting you (financially, emotionally, spiritually) is always good... needless to say, at 16, it's probably totally necessary. If the family ties are strong, perhaps they are the first persons you may want to share the situation and decision with. Perhaps yr parents can clear some of the many many thoughts which may be running through your head. are you planning to keep the baby? are you still staying in school? how are you going to support the baby if you plan to keep it? even if the parents are helpful, they too may not be certain on how to approach this matter.. as someone has posted earlier , there are professional help out there who can help guide you through this... you're not alone... The current bf - whether he will stay or not.. there's nothing you can do there anyway.. how and what you plan to tell him, you prob know that in yr heart.. just a matter of deciding and holding yrself to the task of telling him. good luck, my friend.. and hope things go well for you..
  8. Hi, was reading and sharing yr pain. I understand and can truly feel what a sad and angry situation you must be in. It's not easy when someone whom you've been with, shared your dreams and laughters with, and grew up with in the last 5 years.. to have him/her (in this case, it's a he) tell you he doesn't love you anymore. I can't give any sound advice. I think the replies have been honest and helpful.. but at this point of time, i guess nothing helps the pain... the want to know why it happened, the disbelieve that the good times have become something so nasty, the incomprehensible part of how someone who previously loved you can tell you that he doesn't feel for you anymore. Nothing will make sense, and nothing anyone say will probably be able to take away the frustration. That pain is yours alone... and in many ways, that's just a part of growing up. Someone wise once told me in that time of pain that when ppl grow up, sometimes they grow apart. And we just have to realise it when it comes. Take your time, my friend. I guess my humble words to share would be Good pals and some time spent alone with comforting things always help. For you maybe you find solace in a good book, some lyrics in an old song, or even a picture. Call him if you really can't help yourself.. it probably make you feel better than to justify it in yr head (should i call, should i not call, should i call, should i not call.... ).. and after calling, you'll know if that move actually made any difference to how you feel, and to how he feels. Believe in yourself that you gave your best and that people change. Take your time. You deserve the time to heal. Look back at the relationship and instead of finding out what went wrong, remember what was good and what you insist on having those bits again in the next relationship. Don't ever let him take away the virtues (and identity) of who you are, even if he might have said those were the reasons for leaving. I hope you find peace. Cry if you need to, but laugh again.. coz these things don't always make sense.... But it love always made sense, where would be the fun of it, no? I have to get back to work. So you take care, my friend.
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