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beaton

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beaton last won the day on December 29 2012

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  1. And then theres you. Recent flop. I fell properly for you only when you started pulling away from me. I'm glad it didn't work out for us in the end, and I'm glad that I walked when I did. I don't regret dating you. You reminded me that I will develop feelings for someone again. You illuminated a lot of character traits and flaws in me that I need to work on. I'm thankful for that.
  2. I'm an idiot. I should ever have clicked on your sisters page, but there you were in a family photo, and instead of me standing there this year was a anther girl. She's pretty. She looks happy with you. I know that my recent romantic flop is what sends me back to idolizing you. I know that this will pass. We haven't spoken in almost a year. I have yet to find someone who fits me the way that you did. I have to change more. I know that it wouldn't have worked. I wanted more, but now I yearn for that safety and familiarity. I feel so afraid that I'll never find love again the way I did with you.
  3. I've been seeing a new guy for a while now, and I'm struggling to open up to him. He's nothing like you and in many ways that's good, in others, you had some qualities I miss, and I wonder if I can date someone without them. I talked to a friend today about twin souls and it made me think of you. How easy it all was until it wasn't. I wish we could have some sort of connection. I refuse to contact you though. I initiated all the contact when we were "friends". It's been over 7 months. What's the point now? I need to move somewhere new. I need to change, I have so many goals for this year. You would be proud and encouraging if I told you them. I guess that's what stings. No one else understood or believed in me as much as you did. As I make these huge life changes I yearn for that support, but I have to foster that in myself now. I also can't open up about these things with new guy because I refuse to rely on someone as much as I did you for encouragement. I know it drained you. I don't want to be that person. But maybe I'm overdoing it.
  4. Holy crap I don't remember your number. Thank god, because our friend just asked me if I'd told you anything about recent events in my life. I told her no, that we don't talk anymore. But it made me think of the space between us now. There was a time when you would have been the first person I called. I still miss you sometimes, but it's been so long that I feel stupid for it. My life will go on. This year will bring bigger and better things, and hopefully by July 2014 you won't even be a blip on my radar.
  5. I feel like I should post something in conclusion. I finished 30 days NC almost a month ago. I ended up breaking NC 12 days after that to reply to his email, just wishing him well also. Honestly I do wish him well. We had a good relationship, but in the end we were just at different places in life. I was very needy and insecure, and had issues with anxiety /catastrophic thinking. His stye of showing love didn't work with how I interpreted it. the NC really did help me to move on. 4 months of stopping and starting, then finally meeting him for coffee made me realize I HAD to just move on, no more contact. I 'm working on my career and myself now. Getting back into working out and eating well, working on thinking positively. I miss him the way you miss a long-dead relative. I remember him and sometimes wonder what things would be like, with a pang, if he were still around. But I remember that he wouldn't have been happy, because this relationship wasn't what he wanted. I'm working on myself, fitness and healthwise. I'm at a new job that pays less than my old serving job but has cut my stress levels in half. I'm working on starting my life here and getting a job in the field I graduated in. I'm hopeful. Good luck everyone. You'll get there. It took me almost 6 months total to feel this way, with plenty of setbacks and tears and embarrassing phone calls, but I made it. So can you.
  6. Day...41. Wow. So I checked my email for the first time in a while, and saw that he emailed me a week ago (a month nc) wishing me well with a video he thought I would like. I toyed with the idea of responding, but I've come so far it would be stupid to contact him. I'm fine. Why ruin that.
  7. Day...34 I'm ok. I think I've finally reached the point where, I don't miss him. It took about 6 months, with many failed attempts at the NC challenge, but I made it. I was on twitter the past few mornings and didn't feel an urge to check his because I honestly don't care what he's up to, or who he's with. I wish him well but I'm not emotionally invested. I haven't contacted, or heard from him in over a month and I'm thankful for that. The complete NC is what helped me move on. It hurt so much at first to not hear from him, but it really is for the best. I don't know if I woud have been able to resist had I heard from him, but now I feel confident that if he did text or email me, I wouldn't bother to respond. It feels so good to not care. Good luck to everyone struggling. You WILL get over your ex. It might seem impossible but you will move on.
  8. Day 31. I didn't even notice day 30. I'm putting in my 2 weeks at my current job tomorrow and starting training at new, less stressful one next week. I'm taking a pay cut and it's not a glamorous job, but the one I had was crushing my sanity. I'm taking control and making changes. I still wonder how he's doing, and sometimes I find things that I want to send him, but that habit is more or less broken.
  9. I thought about you today. It's been 5 months since you ended it, and I'm on day 25 of NC. For the first time, you haven't texted me that way you did every few weeks for the first 4. You're moving on. I saw UP and for some reason it triggered so much sadness in me over our relationship. I hope things are going ok for you. I know you probably won't be contacting me again. I blew it a month ago when I got coffee with you. I should have kept you waiting, but instead I gave you your closure. You were so rude to me. I have to remember that you were rude and inconsiderate. It sounds stupid, but some of my friends are on the rocks with their sig. others as well and its comforting in a way, to be reminded that no one's relationship is perfect forever. I really miss the security of being in love. I need to get my life together and get a good job, and start really living again. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern. I miss your stupid face. I wish...well.. I suppose there's no point in wishing.
  10. Day 25 I still feel sad sometime. I know that we will never be together again, and may not ever even talk again. It's more a sadness for that whole portion of my life being so abruptly ended. I loved him.
  11. Day 18 I haven't really had a chance to think about him, but today is quiet. I wonder how he's doing, old feelings of loss and hurt surface but not as strongly as before. I try not to compare him to the guys I meet. I'm trying to be less depressed in general. Slowly moving forward, looking for a new job because the current one is highly contributing to my stress, thinking about the next few months and what I need to get done.
  12. Day 11 Someone on my vine feed posted a video and you were in it. It caught me by surprise. You look really happy and I miss your face but it's over. It has been over for a long time now. I will probably never hear from you again.
  13. DAY 10 It's been easier this time around. Today I thought about him because he is leaving for his month journey..and i considered texting him but....whats the point? A lot of other changes are happening around me and I think I'm finally moving on.
  14. You know, I think we both had codependency issues. I know outwardly it probably looked like I depended on you a lot (and I did, too much) but looking back, you were always so eager to offer advice, and throw yourself into helping even when I really didn't want or ask for it,, even when I questioned you because didn't you have enough on your plate? "No, no I can handle it, I can handle your problems, and his problems, and her problems, and this other couples problems etc etc" you were ALWAYS so involved in everyones problems. I never really saw that as a red flag before. I became your project to fix. That is also an issue of dependency-- needing to be needed. It was a perfect storm because you made it so easy for me to sink into the comfort of knowing how happy helping seemed to make you, so I let you and then I started to forget how to trust myself. And started to demand your support, and then it all fell apart. I see that now. I don't blame you-- I'm just as at fault. I enabled you by accepting your help just as you enabled me by being so eager to help. We pulled eachother down. So I suppose it's good that we are no longer together. That was not healthy. I miss you though. I often wonder if, at the end of the year, how much will we have changed? Will our paths cross ever again?
  15. No contact again. I know it's for the best. Why is it so hard for me to get past this? I was doing ok earlier but now I'm working on stuff and hit another one of those moments when I would have turned to you for support or encouragement. I don't have that anymore I miss how you held me when I needed it most. I can't dwell on those moments. They're long gone. I relied on you too much, and that is one of the factors that split us up. Some day I'll wake up and not need you anymore. Soon. I'm saving up to move somewhere new, I'm busting ass on my portfolio to start applying places. I need a fresh start. One without you.
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