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Oh A-----, I miss you I miss getting texts from you. I miss telling you about the randomness that pops in my head. I miss knowing there's someone out there I can count on completely and unconditionally. I miss telling you my little daily anecdotes. I miss waking upto a sweet message. I keep trying to piece together a timeline of when things went wrong. When you started straying from me and talking to her. I keep trying to pinpoint what it is that I did to give you that push. That push that made you turn your back on us altogether... forever... permanently. I wish I could talk to you... even now. Tell you about that Italian waiter that called me "bella" and I thought was saying "bala" - so he had to repeat it (embarrassingly). Or that girl at the gym that asked me if I was interested in competing. *sighs* You're doing well in your new life - it's like I never existed. I guess I wouldn't know what to say to you anymore. It's sad to think we're pretty much strangers now.

Day 7! So I've been NC for 7 days... it's kinda unreal because I don't think I've ever gotten this far with NC before. We've never gone so long without talking. I'm proud of myself. For the most part, I'm doing okay you know... keeping busy getting in touch with my friends that I lost touch with because of him. And I'm going away with my family for the weekend so it'll be nice distance. I still miss him and it feels awful to imagine him with his new girl... but I keep telling myself that I'm worth more than that. I want an apology - I just do. That's why I still occasionally check my texts hoping to get something from him. Nothing thus far... maybe never. Oh well... hang in there everyone. Hold strong.

Day 4 - I had a minor slip. No I did not contact him. However, I did look up his gamer profile... we used to play League of Legends (online game) together. It kinda just told me what he's been upto lately. He played all night Thursday but was gone on Friday... my guess is with his new gf. It sucks to think like this because the feeling of rejection is real. However, I keep reminding myself I'm better than that - that his looking around didn't have to do with me not being good enough but him not being able to commit. This is when self-doubt comes in.. Other than that, I'm feeling strong... sticking to my eating clean diet, going to the gym regularly. I'm so sore but it's nothing compared to the hurt he gave me. I've accepted that there'll be both good and bad moments... moments you just feel like crying and other moments where you feel inspired to move on. Anyways, planning on sticking with this.... hopefully the image of that other girl in his bed will fade soon enough. To everyone, hang in there! Let's get through this together!

Day 2 (although my first post) LOL at "MySpace". We should really update that to Facebook soon. Let's see, future me reading this, he sucks! Forget being a good boyfriend, he's an awful human being, because of the way he treats his other "friends" as well. Be glad you dropped that 160 pound dead weight. You're FREE! I don't miss him... RIGHT NOW, I just don't care enough to miss him... I miss my precious time I wasted with him. I like me so much better right now than when I do when I'm around him. I feel good. And NC only helps! Cheers to the next 30 glorious days because those days are JUST for me. And a little selfish? Perhaps, but after 4.5 years of pure agony, I deserve this vacation. Muah! Lot's of love and luck to every single person going NC!

Day 3 (messed up) Well, I did have contact with him today. I regret it though. He messaged me on facebook; I didn't respond. A few hours later, he called and I answered. He said he wanted to check up on me that I was doing fine or not. And well, I said yes I'm fine and that's all. We hung up in a few seconds. Soon after, he messaged me saying "Since when have you been so awkward?" It's then that I realized that this ignoring thing may not work even though he's just "fwb" in his mind and that I should just tell him the truth honestly. So I called back and had an actual friendly conversation with him -- the topic of us didn't really come up and I didn't bring it up. I liked talking to him. Although, now that I think about it, I probably gave him the satisfaction he wanted (to make sure he still has me). -.- In short, I wish I never picked up that call. Ah well, back to the beginning of NC I suppose. It could've been worse: I could have grovelled lol.

Day 2 Another tough day, it's been hard not looking him up on facebook still. Actually had weak moment a few seconds ago and looked at my phone until the thought of calling passed away. It's not easy but it most certainly isn't worth it. Hoping this first week will get easier. So far so good. Just gotta keep reminding myself to hang in there.

Day 1 (completed) I accept this challenge! Overall, a pretty okay first day (there were moments of tears but hoping this helps). Spent time with family without any mention of him. Although did stalk his facebook profile a few times during the day (does that count?) And checked my phone expecting to get a message from him (didn't, which is good...). Trying to keep busy. I was on the internet a few minutes ago and came accross a sale on Brioni ties and impulsively thought (and still am) about buying him one as a gift (while I'm already on such a tight budget)... WHY!? Why am I still thinking of ways to make him happy... It's like I know that this guy just does NOT care for me and I know for sure that in order to have any attempt at being truly happy and content with my life I need to move forward and fast. But at the same time, I'm thinking of ways to get back together with this JERK >. Good night.

I wish we could have had one more chance. But talking to you today, it really did make me feel like we can be friends. Enjoy your holidays, and maybe we'll talk after Until next time...