Softmoonlight

Oh you guys are so awesome! And you know what? I am starting to feel better and better. I emailed him and told him to be out of my house by Wednesday. I hope that he does it. I do have two male 'escorts' (friends of mine!) who go with me to the house whenever I need something like clothes, etc. I am still at my friend's house, but darn does it feel great to be rid of him! He actually phoned me at work yesterday, begging me to meet up with him, that he was going to propose to me, give me flowers, wanted to go to couples counseling, etc. I told him it was too late, but he cried and cried. Then he phoned my mom and my mom STILL sides with him even though he has abused me very recently. She is absolutely nuts. Thank God for my dear friends, who without I wouldn't have made it through this. After all, if you don't have the support of your family, it's very hard to get through such times. Luckily I have my friends! And luckily I have you guys. Don't give up on women who are in bad relationships. We just need everyone to support us until we finally can cut the ties. Hugs, and I'll be back soon. Shawna

I told him our relationship wasn't good for either of us anymore and he told me I can go ahead and have my "shallow little life" if that's what I want. I told him all I want is to be happy in life and neither of us are happy together. So fine. Then this morning he phoned me at work and asked me to talk about last night. I said, "what's to talk about? we are broken up." He then proceeded to tell me how selfish, cold hearted, etc. I am because last week he tried so hard and now this week I told him I didn't want to be with him. He said he is meant to be alone and that I treat him like he's a monster, so from now on he will never try with women and blah blah blah, and yikes. He's scary when he is emotional. My friends said they would come and help me put on a new lock on my doors so he won't get in once he leaves. I'm really glad, because I know he will try to come back and take things, do things, etc. Thank you so much for your support. It will be rough for me for a long time I think, and I'll need some counseling to get through all the damage he has done on me, but I'm doing it! Here's to a new life!

darling, you're 15. you have a child. you're with a man who abuses you. you don't live together i take it. leave now before you are stuck with this loser for life. read my post and realize what your life will be like in a few years. he will NEVER change no matter how you alter your behaviors. there's nothing you can do that will make him not abuse you. no matter how perfect, quiet, good, kind, and honest you are, there is nothing you can do. there will always be some way that you fall short, something that you don't do to his expectations, something that you do that annoys him to the point of abuse. PERIOD. he will never be a father to your child. he will never be the love that you need and deserve. men who are abusive never ever and I repeat...NEVER change. The mean/sweet cycle, the promises to change, the romance that ensues after an attack. believe me, i've been in this for 6 years now. and i'm not the happy, good, and kind person i once was. you're still very young. can you see yourself living like this for the next 45 years? or are you, like me, so drained you can't think straight anymore? if you aren't drained yet, you will be. soon everyday will be such a struggle that you will feel like death is moments away. you will dread coming home, dread living. don't do this to yourself. it's time to come to grips with this situation. God help us both.

Well this morning is just awful. for once, my bf had to get up and work at 9am like a normal person instead of in the afternoon. So naturally last night he didn't go to bed til 3 am and woke up tired and complaining. when i woke him up and he was mad of course. that's not unusual for him in the morning...or any time of day for that matter. anyhow, I put an orange and some treats in his bag and noticed a phone number in there, and it said "call after 6:30". I was absolutely pissed. He was still in bed when I went in the room and demanded to know who "Leanne" is. He seemed quiet for a minute, then said, "that's a message to call someone at work." then he completely changed his tune and was stark raving mad, telling me how I make his life a living hell and he has done everything to make me happy, etc etc. And how he was going to show everyone how sorry they should be that he has had such a rough life, etc. So he came and hit me in the back a few times and started to make feel guilty about having upset him when he has done so many good things for me in the past while and how he gets nothing but " from me when he tries. I know it's crazy. I read it myself and feel insane just thinking about it. It's not my fault he can't control his temper. It's not my fault that he was abused as a child. it's not my fault that he doesn't like his job, his family, his life, but somehow I always feel I am supposed to take the blame. I feel guilty. he has been trying really hard in the past while, but I just don't trust him. i feel like he has someone else on the side, I feel like I shouldn't allow myself to trust him, I just feel nuts. I actually feel quite guilty because over the past few days he has really been trying to help me and then i accused him of having another woman's phone number. He has had dinner ready when I got home, fixed some things up around the house, and so on. I know he has been really trying, but does that make up for all the times he has been a complete prick and hurt me in every way possible? I went to work and then told them i was sick and came home. I feel just nuts. Please offer me a little comfort. I don't have anyone to turn to. how can you tell a friend, "i love a man who hits me, demeans me, and makes me miserable everyday."

Hi, I am at the end of a rocky relationship with my bf of almost 6 years. I am thinking of taking the plunge, but it's very hard on me. He has been abusive to me in the past, and still is emotionally/verbally quite often. In any case, I have talked to him about breaking up and as predicted, he turned instantly sweet. More sweet than he has been in a long time. So today he called me at work (just a few moments ago) and now sounds very depressed. I know that he isn't faking it, as he has been depressed in the past, but I'm also kind of angry because I feel like he is 'conning me' because he thinks I will start returning more of his affection again and start looking after him again if he is depressed. I guess I feel like he is grasping at straws. I get so mad because I feel so manipulated. I don't know what happened, but about a week ago, I snapped. I stopped being all loving and trying so hard so he won't be upset about a bunch of things all the time. I just plain gave up. Now that I'm at my wits end, he is all loving. That makes me insane!!!! I've tried so hard to make this guy happy and it's never enough. I always fall short somehow. I don't do my hair the way he likes, I'm overweight (I just lost a bunch and everyone but him says I look great and many men find me attractive) I don't clean right, I don't sexually please him, my family is a bunch of hicks, I don't love him enough, take care of him enough. I make all his appointments, do everything possible for him. Walking on eggshells describes the past years to a tee. Anyway, I'm concerned that if I finally blow my top and tell him to get the heck out of my house that he will commit suicide or something. What can I do to prevent this? That's the last thing I need on my plate. That is the only thing holding me back right now. Otherwise he would be out. Oh and don't say "turn to your family," because my mother nearly sides with him. A few years ago, my bf broke up with me. When I went out with another man, my mother and bf were so angry at me and made me feel so guilty it was terrible. I've been talking to my mom and she outright said, "you'll regret it if he leaves." Um, what? She even knows that he has abused me and yet still sides with him. You can tell my father abused her huh? Any advice? Thanks for listening to my rant! If anyone is going through/has gone through something similar, feel free to PM me, please! Shawna

I disagree about dumping the coffee. Obviously the poster is at her wits end and finally freaked. To be honest, I would like to do the same myself. It's not a matter of immaturity. It is a matter of sanity. If someone abuses you, you eventually lose it. Period. I know more than anyone and darling, good for you. Don't try to initiate contact. Call it quits. Period. Don't waste your time, because if you take him back now, you've proved to him you will tolerate his disrespect. I read something good the other day. It said: "No one gains respect by tolerating disrespect." Keep him out of your life. Don't waste any time with that sort of crap. Shawna

To be honest, i used to be the same way. I was terrified of becoming pregnant. I knew everything about how it occurred, and there was no way I was but yet I would be terrified every month. Is she taking birth control pills? do you use condoms/protection? Really be sensitive to her, trust me I nearly went beserk a few times myself. She isn't trying to be nuts, it's scary sometimes to be a girl I never freaked as much as she does though. How old is this girl? I see you are 19, is she much younger than you? good luck!

darling, i truly understand. I am in pretty much the same boat. My bf and i have dated over 5 years and we fight all the time about stupid useless crap. He and I live in my house as well, and it's hard. I love him very much, but I worry we are just not compatible and I think that's the case for you as well. The truth is the two of you must not be compatible. You fight all the time, have broken up numerous times, and apparently don't share the same views on things. turn to your friends and family, and really think this through. is this the way you want to live forever? is this what you want your children to see? isn't the stress of this nonesense draining your soul? I know probably more than anyone else how you must feel. Do you not have a social support group? family? friends? i am building mine up again after neglecting them for a long stretch. now if i decide it's time for us to split, I am not going to feel so alone. good luck to us both darling.

Be careful darling. I know you don't want to hurt his feelings, but if he truly was abusive to you in that way, he is probably confused as to why you haven't been phoning begging him back. When dealing with someone like that, you must be very casual. Don't tell intimate details about your life, be busy. You have no intention of getting back with him, so leading him on will do nothing. He will phone you and try to make you feel guilty. Sorry but I have a bad feeling about this one! Be careful! Don't let him guilt you into going back! Shawna

I tried to talk to him last night, told him that I feel drained, like I can't stand the arguing anymore, etc. As expected, he came back with, "you think this relationship is so hard for you and that you are getting so jyped, well think of me." Apparently, I've never been there, and his life has gotten so much worse since I have been in it. I said to him, "if you dislike our relationship and me so much, why have you stayed this long?" He said, "Because I hope you will change." I told him I've changed enough and I am not changing who I am anymore to please him, because no matter how much I've changed, he is never happy. He also mentioned he is ripped off because I'm not like other girls. I don't do my hair in all sorts of interesting ways, I am not good in bed, etc etc. Sorry to sound crude, but I've never had any complaints except from him 8) He always said, "if I get ____ I'll be happy" then I get him that somehow...a job, an object, etc and then he still isn't happy. As I said, he complains I'm not good in bed, so I have lost a bunch of weight and go to the gym to tone myself up. He still isn't happy with that. He said "if only I got this job," so now he has that job, and he is complaining he doesn't like it, it doesn't give enough hours, etc. This has happened many many times. Maybe I'm not the good girlfriend I think I am? What am I doing so wrong? I am tired of giving and giving and giving and getting nothing in return. At present he is sick so he maintains that is why he isn't being loving to me. But if he wasn't sick, I'm sure he'd be unhappy about something else. Gas prices, the cost of living, the world, society, our house, our cars, our fridge runs all the time, etc. There's always something irritating him and making him unhappy. I do love him, but I'm starting to see it's pointless. I've given him every drop of love I know how over the past years, and nothing has helped him. I guess I'm beating a dead horse, and finally my arm has broken off! So is it me or is it him? I really want honest opinions here. I always feel that I have given him everything in my soul to the point of being drained a LOT and not even knowing what I want anymore because I have spent the past 6 years trying to make him happy. Thanks for listening to me. Shawna

Oh I see. But you know, he is still doing it to keep contact then. He wants to keep some evidence of your relationship around to keep you thinking and to keep one foot in the door in case he changes his mind! LOSER! Shawna

I'm sorry to hear that. How much stuff is there? To be honest, I wouldn't be so nice. I'd phone him, say "your stuff is on the lawn, come and get it before it rains" and that would be the end of that. After a certain amount of time, the stuff becomes legally yours, so if he was smart he would come and get it. Obviously he isn't. Maybe phone some sort of legal person and ask? If you don't want it...GARAGE SALE! By the way, you've made a legal/written notice for him, so if you really wanted to, you could start collecting the cash.

I know I've posted about this before, but it's a very hard decision for me. Thanks for listening I've been with my bf for nearly 6 years. We aren't getting along well anymore, we argue constantly over ridiculous things, and I guess you could say our personalities clash a bit. I am very happy/goofy and easygoing, he is very easily irritated, serious, etc. We have a very enmeshed life, live in a house together, etc. The truth is, I feel guilty even thinking of breaking up with him. He has a rough life and I somehow feel like it's my responsibility to pull him through. However, I must not do that adequate of a job anyhow, because he always complains I am "never there for him" and haven't been in his darkest hours. The way I see it, I've stuck by him when he had severe depression, when he quit school, when he was unemployed. I would give out his resumes, I paid his way for everything when he was unemployed, I bought a house for us to live in because he complained living in his parent's house was holding him back, etc. He still blames me because I didn't push him through university when he was depressed. He always says, "I'll be happy if _____" then gets whatever it is, and some new issue arises that keeps him unhappy. I'm finding myself wondering "what would my life be like without him?" When I am out with friends and such, I feel free, like myself. When I am with him, I am walking on eggshells, afraid I'll do something wrong. So why am I staying? I'm afraid to make the leap. I feel like I need space to grow and he is standing in the sunlight. Anyone else been in this type of situation? I am feeling drained, unsure, and scared. If nothing else, thank you for reading my rant. I know it's the right thing to do for both our sakes, but I feel badly. Most recently he has been quite sick and he maintains we aren't getting along well because of that. But as I said before, when he is well something else will surface. Thanks again. Shawna

It starts with a "C" and ends in "ounseling" You have emotional problems, and it's not your bf's responsibility to baby sit you until you have them under control. Take responsibility for your problems and then work on your relationship. Counseling will do wonders if you'll let it! Good luck!

Darling, I can tell you for a fact the old bf will not change. Period. You are wasting your time even thinking he will ever change. The new guy sounds better a LOT better. However, keep your eye open for the warning signs. Temper, mood swings, physical/verbal threats (EVEN ONCE) are grounds for bf dismissal. I know, I've been there. Change your phone number, move, phone the police, whatever you need to do to avoid the old one. No matter how much they whine and cry, they will always have something to be angry about, something you do will 'annoy them to the point of hitting you'. What you really need to do is this. Use this sentence: "What I want most is a mate who _______" Now put in all the things your ex did. "What I want most is a mate who hits me. What I want most is a mate who belittles me. What I want most is a mate i am afraid of. what I want most is a mate with a violent temper." If you can insert anything that you read and realize "What on earth am I doing with this man?" it's time to run for the hills and never look back. Good luck Shawna