nmduipd

I am so sorry to hear this. I can't even start to imagine what you are going through. Personally, I see his 'offer' as a negotiating tool (in terms that he is not really expecting you to accept, but is testing your limits anyway). I'm wondering though: if what you two have is so precious, shouldn't he be willing to put more of an effort to save it? I don't think the question is: should you stay with him? Instead, ask yourself if you are able to adapt to such situation under any circumstances. If not, your decision is already made. (Lots of people would find the situation unbearable, but hey, everyone is different…people have different reasons…) Besides, someone who expects you to 'get over the hurt with time' and 'just accept it' is either a very selfish person or has some serious issues. On the second thought, you may have given him the impression (over years) that you would accept anything just to stay with him and now he is feeling some sort of power over you ...

"Rate this girl " ????? Are you joking???? How would you feel if someone put you out there for public criticism? What you are doing is terrible. My advice would be: leave her and let her find someone who will respect her. If you don’t like her, don’t be with her. As simple as that. Why do you care what other people think? If we all rate her 10/10, would you like her more? Next time, I suggest you put your own photo and ask people to rate it.

I can relate to this only too well! To answer your questions: I may not be typical example of the 'female species', but when I'm in love I really don't notice other men. I don't even notice if they look good or not. Only if someone points out a guy, I would pay attention to the details and make a 'judgment' – good looking or not. It ends there. Someone on this forum once said that all men become sexless to her when in love. That pretty much describes how I feel. The way I look at other men changes totally when I'm in love. When I see a penis it doesn't mean anything to me. Don't get me wrong, for me size does matter, but I simply cannot look at a penis 'detached' from his owner. If I'm not interested in the 'owner', penis itself means nothing. I was wondering, if you knew your gf reacted to other men in the same way you react to other women, would that calm you down or only aggravate your jealousy? I'm not saying you are like that, but some men, who find themselves attracted to other women, project their feelings to their SO and get jealous of the idea that their partners may feel the same attraction they are feeling. (same goes for women, of course) (On the bright side, things would be even worse if you were a women with the same problem – with all this half-naked women everywhere and men telling us they are 'visual creatures, biologically hardwired to look and to be attracted to other women' )

My dad was 16 years older than my mum and they eventually got divorced. He was really cool guy when they met, young at heart and all that, but by the time I was in high school, my dad had more in common with my granny than with my mom! At the end of the day, you are two different generations and that will become more and more obvious. I'm sure though that there are age gap relationships that can survive, but there are very few of them. Having said all that, you are the only person who knows what's right for you. Good luck with whatever you decide

Do you deep down fear that he may leave you? Or is it more that you believe that he will stay with you but all the time will find someone else more attractive? Are you afraid that he secretly wishes to be with them? Or is it just pure jealousy with no apparent underlying issue, sort of "l'art pour l'art"?

I know exactly how you feel! Every time a few days before my period all my irrational (and rational) fears start to run wild. And I'm talking problems that I had years ago and well and truly got over. Not to mention those little semi-conscious fears that I'm fighting right now. Even the slightest issue gets magnified 1000 times and becomes a worry. Not that I have a magic solution. I've tried everything from healthy food and exercising to medications – nothing worked. You'll probably laugh now, but the only thing that ever worked for me is sex. And lots of it! I think it destructs me and helps me to somehow 'convert all that negative emotional energy' into something more pleasurable. Worth trying – even if it doesn't work, there are no side effects whatsoever

Well, I just recently broke up with my long-term bf. I suppose, I'm trying to distract myself from braking NC and so I'm analysing things. Different things. Possibly things that caused problems in our relationship. Also, after all that happened, when I masturbate, I still think of him I was wondering how it all works for other people.

Any particular woman? Or it changes from situation to situation? (please don't answer this if you feel I'm going too far)

What do you mean by 'picture'? An actual image of a naked woman or a movie? Or a 'real' woman? Or situation?

Do you focus on one particular person? Someone you know or your SO? maybe your ex? Or is it someone you will never meet? Do you have a favourite fantasy?

I think men and women have different approach to fantasies. Men are more likely to turn to porn and consider that to be of less importance than having fantasies about a real person. Think about very popular male fantasy about lesbians. On the other hand, not many women would fantasize about 2 naked men making out! In my opinion, women more often fantasize about real people, someone from their own environment, quite often, their workplace. But that doesn't make those fantasies any more real! Her fantasies and writing them down are probably pretty much the same to you looking at porn. What exactly bothers you the most, her fantasies or the fact that they are about a woman?

You can’t have it all. The thing with love is: you DON'T WANT it all. You want the person you love and you are prepared to work on any issues you have – those issues don’t even look so important. Finances are important as a basis. If you don’t have money, that can be a serious problem. If you do, that doesn’t make you happy as such. You still need all those other things you mentioned. I’m great at budgeting and finances and I did all the work for my (now ex) bf. Practically I was his financial advisor. I was happy to do that and he was grateful. Maybe it’s enough if one of you is good in the kitchen or at finances. If only one of you is good at being open – that can be a problem.

I think you are still in love with your ex. I also agree with your reasoning. But please don't take me wrong, but if your new gal were so great you wouldn't be comparing her with your ex's pay check. Love is not about comparing qualities and skills. Love is irrational (and thank God for that). In my opinion, 'gaining in one area and losing in another' is something that can apply to your career, not your relationship. I think you are rationalising – not that there is anything wrong with that. I'm going through a break up right now. It's really fresh and even though it's not the same as your situation, I can totally relate to your thoughts… or feelings… or whatever that is. In my case, I dumped him. I think I have legitimate reason - he hit me. But who am I to decide what a legitimate reason is? Dumpers are not always that bad, you know. Break up can hurt them too. A lot. I consciously fight overwhelming desire to call him. Love is not something that you can just switch off. I've always thought if someone did something what I consider really bad, I would just stop loving him. It doesn't work that way. Just as falling in love with someone is a process, so is falling out of love. I'd like to think is possible, otherwise I'm doomed ;-)

You have no idea how much your help means to me. I can't talk to anyone, all my friends are actually mutual friends – talking to them would only cause more problems. I don't know if my decision is right or wrong – time will tell. Life is not black and white – nothing is certain. It's touching though, that someone who doesn't even know you is there to listen and support you. Big thanks

Thanks for your support. I know the decision is mine, but your input helps a lot. I think I'm moving through grieving stages (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance) a little bit too quickly. I went through Denial and Anger in a day. I'm entering Bargaining phase now. I'm analysing things and trying to find way to stay with him. Rationally I want to finish things with him. Emotionally, I'm still hoping that magically 'something' will happen that will make everything all right. Ash, you reminded me of something that I have completely erased from my memory. He told me once about an experience with his wife – they were in the early stages of divorce and the emotions were running high. He said something about grabbing her neck – he didn't actually hurt her and I never took that too seriously (neither did she). But he was scared by the strength of his anger. Now when I think about it, this is very similar situation. I still don't think he is a violent man. Normally, he's the total opposite. But he could've hurt me seriously in that one incident, and quite frankly – I think I was lucky. I really think we should finish things now. But it's incredibly hard to imagine my life without him.