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zep

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  • Birthday 09/12/1983

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  1. Well here I go again. Same horrible ex. I don't think he really meant all the things he said (the I love you and want to be with you things), or if he does mean them, he doesn't understand what they really mean. We had a horrible day yesterday of fighting. I think actually worse than it was when we were together. So here I am on day 0. I hope it won't take me the whole 30 to get over him again. At least I gave it one last shot, and know now what a terrible decision that was.
  2. You should try online dating. There are special sites for asexuals or people who for whatever reason can't/don't want to have sex. I think you'd be much happier bc nothing is going to workout with people who are sexual.
  3. You definitely will! You are only in college, and dating college-aged guys, and that's probably why the relationships aren't as meaningful. Lots of college-aged people are just looking for casual dating so thats the more common situation. It's totally fine to want something serious, its just not as common in college so a little harder to find. Are you waiting until marriage to have sex? Is it for religious reasons? If you're in college there is DEFINITELY several christian organizations where you will find like-minded guys. Thats probably your best bet.
  4. I hope you learn from this, and that you start seeing a decent therapist and being honest with them and really working on your issues. I know your family f-ed you up, or maybe you just inherited their f-ed up genes. I don't know. I'd like to think that somehow you'll learn how to love and be loved, instead of just taking and hurting, but I don't really believe thats possible for you. I think you'll just be miserable forever, and emotionally abuse and betray anyone who loves you. I feel bad for you, but I really feel bad for your future wife and children. I did everything I could to try to fix you and help you and I couldn't. I don't feel bad about that anymore.
  5. haha yea... It's crazy how he needs me to still be hung up on him. He is pissed I won't be his security blanket to ease his way into his next relationship. Nope! Not me. I just hope this isn't going to be a setback for my moving on. It will be very important for me to keep NC for the next few days because I was really doing so well in my healing and I want my heart to be totally open for whoever new comes along. TOTALLY on-board with your "New year, new hair, new colour, new life" attitude. That's the right way to look at it!!
  6. Thanks Pengy!! He just really knows how to push my buttons. Ugh I am SO HAPPY he is out of my life. I guess it's good to have at least one terrible boyfriend because now I am going to appreciate the next good one. I hope this whole episode doesn't set me back, because I have a date on Tues with a guy who is just perfect for me on paper and I'm really excited about it. We'll see if the spark is there.... I hope it is! (And I hope he isn't a deranged super-jerk like my ex!) Good luck with your NC! It really does work. I think it's good that you are dreaming about him because it is your subconcious working out your issues. Every nightmare is one night closer to being over it. I had dreams like that too, until one night while I was in Egypt I dreamed I was single and dancing and flirting with lots of hot guys. The next night I dreamed I was sooo in love with someone new. I felt wonderful and safe and loved with this new guy. When I woke up I felt great. Like I was totally over the ex. And I've really felt that way since, just optomistic about the future and happy that the ex is out of the picture. Maybe the same thing will happen to you!!
  7. Ugh. Not the end. I think this now REALLY counts as breaking NC. I wish I had just kept my cool. Conversation follows... Him (the maniuplative sociopath) At least now I know that you weren’t that into me. I guess that not caring side of you is stronger and colder than I thought. I had doubts that our breakup was the wrong. But I guess my intuition was right. I still love you and it makes me sad to hear that you don’t care about me anymore. I guess this break up hurts me longer than it hurt you. I cant believe how sad this is... Me (And I regret sending all this, I should have just ignored him) Uh, YOU CHEATED ON ME. Remember that? Remember how you told me it was because you didn't care if we broke up or not? Remember how I gave you a second chance after you told me you wanted to get back together and you loved me and you knew that you would never leave me, etc etc.... and then you said you never meant any of it and you just felt guilty because I'm so pathetic and dependent on you and YOU BROKE UP WITH ME? So now you're saying you love me again and I'm suppose to believe it this time? No. Sorry. I'm keeping my heart and my feelings for someone who is honest and loyal. You're a ****ty person and you never deserved my love. So our breakup was 100% the right thing because I deserve so much more and better than you. And just so you know, the reason I was able to get over you so quickly is because you were such a terrible boyfriend the last 6 months it was basically like we were already broken up. Think about it, you spent all your time playing computer games or basketball so we barely interacted, you acted like talking to me was the biggest inconvience in the world, you forgot my birthday, you did nothing but make my life difficult whenever you could. And when you did talk to me, it was usually to critize me. Who would miss that??
  8. Well, I broke NC. I figured I had to put my ex out of his misery. This was our email exchange: Him Hi M, are you all right? You are not responding. I just want to know that you are ok. you dont have to respond to my other texts. I am just worried sick. Please just tell me that you are all right. I cant stop caring. Me I'm fine, don't worry about me, I'm pretty good at bouncing back after breakups. Him: I guess you are better at that than me. I guess you were over ben really fast too. so why would it be differnt this time. Dont you want to talk to sort a couple of things out at least? Me: nope The end! hahaha f that guy.
  9. Day 30 I made it!! I can't believe it! I have come so far in the last 30 days. I went from this abandoned girl paralyzed by pain to someone excited about my life. I'm really happy. My concentration at work is back. My existing friendships are stronger and I have new hobbies with new friends. I feel relieved that the chapter of my life involving the ex is over. Now I can live my life completely for myself. And when I love someone again I am going to be very careful to make the right choice. For me the second week was the hardest, particularly day 9. A thing I did that I think really helped was go on an exciting site-seeing vacation from days 11-18. It really got me out of the habit of thinking of my ex all the time AND got me out of the apt I lived in my my ex. I went by myself, which I think was great for my confidence and sense of independence. I encourage everyone to keep NC. I really think that those days, those moments, where you want to contact but instead hold strong and find the peace you are looking for within yourself; THOSE are the moments are you healing. It's not just about the length of time but the number of times you are able to find your comfort from a source other than the ex.
  10. I think so! Probably not every day. I'm going to be going home for 3 weeks for christmas and I don't think I will go onto ENA while I am there. But I will post little updates. My goal is to never speak to my ex again. Even though I feel very 'over it' right now I don't want to slip back into that emotional sand trap. BIG life update: I met a man on the way to work today. He's everything on my dream 'list' of thigns I wanted in a husband. Worldly, yet American, intelligent (he'd has to be with his job and educational pedigree), successful, the right age (mid 30s) and tall And he seems really into me and confident. From my limited internet stalking and our little chats I'm very very intrigued. If he's an optomist and the spark is really there I think I am going to have a very good winter
  11. CONGRATULATIONS!!! Do you think you are going to keep posting here as you continue NC?
  12. Day 28 It's now the 11th Sunday since the BU. Sunday has always been the hardest day for me. I wish I had started writing a record of how I was feeling back in the end of September, because I know I've come SO far since then. I used to have to work to keep myself busy and distracted on Sundays or else I would ruminate and get very sad and cry (and contact) but now it's just another day. The last few days I've had little anger surges, and I've wanted to contact the ex to tell him just what a scumbag I think he is. Not very strong urges though, I've never actually considered doing it. I just can't wait til Dec 14th, the day I leave this apartment and fly home for three weeks. When I return I will be in my new apartment and starting my totally new life. I also feel every day my slight desire to date again growing. A month ago the idea of dating was absurd, I had no desire whatsoever. But now I've found myself much more engaged in conversations with the men I met, much more friendly and funny. And when I watched movies in bed this weekend I thought how great it would be if there was someone with me. This month of NC has really healed me. I'm very happy about it. I feel the overwhelming relief that I am free from that relationship. It was like emotional poisonous quicksand, and now that I'm out I'm never going anywhere near it again.
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