trickykid

Whats really annoying me now, it wasnt earlier, is people in work, the boss to be specific, walked right by me today but "didnt see me" is that hard for people to say hello, especially when they are getting credited for the work I am doing for them. Really feel under appreciated in that job.

Dear Sarah, I never thought I would do this...I never did want to deal with you again...I want to get this off my chest so I can put the damage you left behind me I really do hope your enjoying your "recovery" and new life, it must mean a lot to you, since you earned it honestly and all that, I certainly hope it brings you all the happiness and everything you deserve. Really! This is going to be bit sarcastic Sarah because quite simply I havnt got a good word to say about you, there is no more hate left in me toward you, I made peace a long long time ago, I just never want to speak to you or hear you ever again, if I see you I will turn away, I would prefer to write this because I dont have to see or hear you and it needs to be done. Im going to lay it all out here because of your cowardice, dumping me on the phone, after everything you dump me by phone, I shouldnt have really expected anything more from someone like you, classless and a coward with no backbone and add two faced into that and I find with two faced people its hard to know which side to slap first Ill start at the night, I had to get your lies out of you, I have to say it wasnt very nice really having to almost bully you into the truth and you still lied and continued to lie all the way through the next day until you plucked up the courage to ring me and lay the blame at me for not knowing you were lying all along, for saying I was only pretending I didnt know what you were talking about and then finally telling me you were hooked on drugs for years and everyone knew except me, you had even talked to your sister at great length about it, unreal! I have to hand it to you, you really fooled me, well done, I hope your proud of that. What kills me Sarah is that I really believed in you, I really trusted you, I really believed you were a good person. You see I really believed that when you were stretched out on the couch "asleep" that it was because you were up early, getting your son ready for school, going to work and everything else you did was just you tired after a hard day, little did I know, I sat there many nights looking at you and thinking it must have been a hard day because your tired, the times I woke you up with a cup of tea, the times I snuggled into you because I thought you looked cute asleep. Well finding out none of that was real has destroyed me. Finding out it was a drug fueled coma comes as a bit of a slap in the face to be honest. I dont know what hurts the most Sarah, the lying or the cover up or the aftermath of it all but I know you caused this, the fact you wouldnt even discuss or take responsibility for any part in it is a huge insult to me, especially when I think of times I took responsibility for what I did or sometimes didnt do or when you would go over and over my behaviour as if you never did anything wrong. It doesnt matter now anyway, we all know the truth now so I dont dwell on it that much anymore. Its been on my mind lately but thats only because I have had to start cleaning up the wreckage, so Im hoping that doing this will go some way toward that. You see Sarah I did think I had solved a lot of this a few years back, the day I hung up on you was the day I started to get better, I became really really angry, I got very sick both mentally and physically, with no one, no family, no support, nothing. You knew about the mental breakdown, you knew about the depression everything. Yes I know, I remember the night the mental breakdown like it was yesterday, I do remember sitting in the office in a mess, I had no credit in the phone so I couldnt ring anyone, I was just sitting there hoping the phone would ring, I didnt care who it was that rang just someone, it was fate that night when you rang, I was so happy, it seemed as if you were angel sent to me just when I needed, right at that minute I always feared that if it had have been any longer some serious permanent damage would have been done. I thought that this was the start of the new relationship for us, you had finally done what you needed to do for us, I am still grateful to you for being there that night. I remember the state I was in that night, I remember how I cried, that was the night the business went down the drain. I remember you looked after me that weekend. You had good points, I do like that you were there when I needed you, you were good to Adam too, we did have some good times, I loved the trip to Prague, I really thought we would be together for a long time, ah well. By the way I havnt seen or spoken to Adam for almost two years now, two random meetings with him, Samantha really got what she wanted in the end, I hope she is happy too, she destroyed him, Adam is more like her now and not really the Adam you knew. You see Sarah, I want you to know you didnt just lie to me, you lied to Adam too, you were most of the cause of his issues at home with Samantha, she pressed him, gave out to him and got in trouble for being with you and me, he took that crap for a long time at home, you didnt even care you just lied, I had many fights and had to defend you from his mother many times too, unbelievable and most of it took place while you were stoned out of your head. I have to say Sarah, I found it a really crappy experience to be honest, I gave complete loyalty, commitment, trust (I never even questioned anything you said) everything, I thought I talked any issues with you quite well and put in huge amounts of effort, more than you ever did! I admit I am no saint, definitely not, we established that throughout the relationship but I always took responsibility for my actions and took steps to avoid the same mistakes, you on the other hand, denied everything, admitted nothing and just went about your business as if nothing happened. Im now getting to the point where you destroyed me, as if the lying and cheating wasnt enough and after the begging for more chances, you then denied me a chance to even raise the issue with you! After all that you wouldnt even talk about it because I described it as cheating, yes cheating, you wouldnt even talk about it because "your not a cheater". I dont care what you call it, I call it cheating and I am saying you are a cheater and I am calling you a cheater because thats all you are. I want to say this clearly, what you did was cheating, I dont care if it was texts, another man, emails, drugs, its all the same to me, your lying, deceitful , dishonest actions are what got to me, that it was got to me, understand that, I dont care what form the cheating takes shape, its still cheating. This would have been easier if you had sat down and listened instead of shooting your big mouth off again and again defending your actions because they didnt involve another man, it made crazy mad not being able to talk about it because I start doubting myself, was I going on too much, was it too much of an issue to raise, was it really not that bad, should I not bring it up, I thought I was doing something wrong, all I wanted was for you to hear me out, understand my point of view, listen to how I felt being cheated, listen to what it has done to me, I felt you at least owed me that much, I felt you owed me at least the time it took to listen to me. Yeah we still would have broken up regardless but it would have been different if you had listened once or at least have the guts to break up to my face after everything you did, I might have given you some final piece of respect, you didnt so I lost all respect for you and there is nothing than can ever be done to earn any back, nothing! You see Sarah, I am clearly going to point out that I have moved on, I did meet someone after 7 months solid intense therapy. She is everything you will never be, she is in shape I think I deserve someone like her after being with you, I think I deserve some happiness, why not, I thought I was getting that from you but it was all lies, as far as I am concerned it the final 4.5 years of that relationship were just a lie. Im with her now 18 months, weve had our ups and downs, were in love, we get on great, we are planning a family, living together and a future with each other. I wanted to point this out because, after I had to deal with all the crap left over from you, I now face entirely new relationship challenges with this girl, why am I saying this, Ill tell you why because your finger prints are all over this relationship, I now am so aware of the things I didnt see with you are now being projected onto this girl. Its not fair on her, Im not passing responsibility of anything to you, sure we know you wouldnt accept any anyway...Why Im passing this to you is because, you made me like this! You made me so aware of things that this relationship is one rocky road, I see things that are not even there, I have a permanent belief that this girl is lying to me, I find it amazingly hard to trust her, I spend many hours, days and nights deliberating whether I should dump this girl or not, I am so confused about what is real and what is not real that I dont know sometimes if I want to be with her or not. The day you confessed your lies destroyed me, I have never gotten back to where I was before that day. From that day onwards everything changed for me, my entire perception of the world changed. Because I valued every word you said, every word, I made so many decisions based on conversations with you, so many business decisions, life decisions, even decisions with Adam, my own son and my family too, all based on conversations with you killed me, all of thos conversations took place when you were stoned, all of them, was there any truth to them? were they all just conversations of me talking to someone who wasnt even there? someone so stoned that they didnt even know what they were saying? just to shut me up because I was interfering with you heroin buzz? I am so confused now when I talk to people, I dont know if they are lying, telling the truth, nothing, I cant believe anything anyone says or does, I always think people have a motive now. This was all brought about by your lies and cheating. I even find it hard to believe myself, I dont trust myself now with people, I dont know if I have even made the right decision with this girl, I cant trust my own thinking. This girl I am sad to say is caught in the aftermath of your creation. This girl I believe is an angel, I think she has been sent to me like you were the night of the mental breakdown, I think she has been sent to me to restore faith in life and people again, I think she has been sent here to prove love is real and that I do deserve some type of happiness, I do deserve good things in life. I struggle with this girl, I struggle with this relationship with her and I say you have a hand in it. You see Sarah I can take responsibility for my own behaviour and actions so I dont pass the blame of any of my actions to you at all, Im blaming you for the cause of my fears, trust and other issues that affect me in this relationship, I dont think its fair for this girl to have to suffer what you dont and that is what I am doing, I am bringing the unsolved issues you left over into this relationship. In some ways this girl reminds me of you and when she does specific things alarm bells ring for me, all the things I wasnt alert with you I am now alert with her and then get onto her about it, I take responsibility for that, I shouldnt be doing it, I shouldnt be doing it yes thats right I shouldnt, this is where all those times come flooding back and the finger points to you when you were up to no good, I now think she is doing the same when she clearly isnt, she is nothing like you, I can assure you that. I will say that I have recently begun to get better at believing and trusting her, although its a major struggle and if I am to be honest, I dont think ill fully trust anyone ever again and I mean anyone. Right now I dont think I can give anyone the faith, the trust, the loyalty the way I gave it to you, I hope one day I will, I am working towards it, its hard especilly when I gave you all of that, unquestioned, never for one minute did I suspect anything, why would I. And my loyalty went right to the end, after everything you put me through, I stood by right up to that day I hung up. I really wish now that I hadnt, really I wish that. You see Sarah I was nothing but 100% loyal, even in the final year when we didnt have any sex, I was tempted many times but never even spoke to another woman, I stayed loyal to you, after all the lies, after everything, I turned women down, I mean nice women, younger than you, nicer than you, ones that I really deserved to be with and should have been with if we are both to be honest, just to be with you. There was even one girl in college right back at the start of our relationship, me and her were meant to be, I only ever said hello to her out of respect of the relationship, I chose to be with you, so denied myself happiness for you, I doubt this girl would have done to me what you did, I always thought of what was meant to be with me and her, especially when we broke up, that killed me, that was a major regret I had, Im over it now. Im with the person Im meant to be with now so Im happy, I think the only regret I will have with this girl is by dumping her because of the ****ty past you gave me. I want to make a point of our arguments, this were crazy, they were insane and just as bad as the relationship. The final year of our relationship really did a bit of damage to me. They left me feeling crazy, I know I didnt do a lot wrong in our final year, you just made me believe I did, you manipulation was shocking and disgusting throughout the entire relationship. I hated the way you told me things after they happened and then tried to claim you told me ages ago, when clearly you never told me at all, that has to be one of the most damaging things you did to me, now I suspect that everyone is like that, including my girlfriend. Another damaging thing you did was how you would start arguments, blame me on them and not speak to me for 3 months at a time, and all because of your messed up irregular periods, we only ever had those type of arguments then and you stop seeing me for 3 months, you never once accepted repsonsibilty for any of them, you just claimed that I did something that didnt even make sense. Then when you were getting clean, you really finished me off didnt you, really just gave me the final push and slap in the face. After your lies Sarah, I said I would stay with you to see you get clean and help you through, I always stood by you in everything, when your ****ty friends dropped you because of your using I didnt, I stood with you, when my family were all against you I stood with you. It gutted me to see when all of your new found ****ty mates came back when you started getting clean, it was worse when you chose them over me, they left you in the **** at the first sight of trouble they bailed out on you, of course I was oblivious to your drug use because you hid it so well, never the less how you treated me through your detox was well disgusting to be honest, your anger and insanity transfered from you into me, I ended up feeling crazy after being with you, you twisted everything around so much, you fought over so little, verbally abused me a few times, the incident over the milk sticks out in my mind. Yeah the night You asked me to go get milk, I asked you to walk with me because it would be nice and then you exploded, for me that was the final night of our relationship, I left right then and there, remember you slapped the breaks on in the car just to scream at me? Remember how you went psycho about how unfair it was that we had to walk to the shop together because I thought it was nice? Thats when you lost me! I know we continued on for another while after but I had left that night at that stage I no longer cared if you rang, didnt ring, I didnt care if I seen you again after that, I decided that I wasnt making contact with you again, from that point on any contact made was by you. The thing I regret most is not ending this 8 years ago, we should never have got into an 8 year relationship, that just shows where my head was at! I should have dumped you the day after our first kiss, yeah the very next day when you denied it ever took place! and wouldnt even speak about it, I dont know what I was thinking, there were many times I should have dumped you. Here are some examples: The time I left you in a coffeeshop to go and collect Adam, when we came back you had gone, your phone off, disappear for a week, the only way I could get to you was asking sister about it and only then did you contact me, saying it was my fault because I was hiding you form Adams mother? what kind of excuse was that, you never even apologized or anything. The time when we were going to London, when we got half way to the airport you wanted to go home, insisted you go home, I turned round and drove back to the house, then you said you wanted to go, so had to drive to the airport anyway. Then when we get to the airport, you forgot you had drugs on you and held us up to find your bag, we ended up missing the flight, I had to pay for another one. This was the time I really wanted you out of my life. I hated the way you did what you wanted but it wasnt ok for me to do anything. I hated the way you let me constantly know it was your house especially when I never made any claims. I hated the way you were alwyas right. I hated the mess you created and expected me to clean after you. Yes I hated that you wanted a butler, I was a fool for a while but soon got sense of what was going on. You see I didnt mind pulling my weight when I stayed in yours but you took advantage of that. I did clean your house several times and I mean good cleans. The night you came back from your holiday, I spent a few days cleaning the house, within 20 minutes of you getting home the entire was like when you left, that was the final straw there, you expected me to do it all again, I simply had enough at that stage. I decided if you wanted to constantly tell me it was your house, I decided you better start cleaning it too. And the other time you came back from holiday, and I had spent time getting things ready for you, dinner, dvd, a nice quiet night and all you could do was shout at me for planning your night, I mean you didnt have to shout, I was happy to see you home, I wanted to be with you, sorry if it was such a hassle. Yes and then when you rang back full of apologies and said you would pick me up and never showed up because you passed out from the drugs, that was wonderful. Then making arrangements to meet me and not showing up because you forgot or because your great mates went for coffee and left me without an explanation or text even and then made it out that I was the problem. Standing me up a few times, being constantly late for everything, everything, even Adams celebration with not so much as a sorry or nothing. None of your behaviour was to be spoken about, ever, it was a non runner. When your father was dying, I wanted to be there so much, I tried to be there for you so much and all you did was push me away. You chose your great friends and pushed me away, after all that, everything you did, everything I gave up, everything that ever happened, you chose them over me and then have the courtesy to dump me by phone. This is what I am left to deal with now, can I trust her, is she lying, is she cheating, is she keeping something from me, why did she make that body movement, what did she mean by what she said, is she who she says she is, does she have a motive, do I trust myself enough to trust this girl, is what I am seeing real, is she going to **** me over, can I believe what she says, and on and on and on, this could go on for days on end. For me I had decided that I would never ever get into another relationship with anyone again, not because I life you or anything just simply because you ****ed me over too much to be able to be the person I was before you came into my life You know what, Im just happy to be away from you, I am just happy to have you out of my life, Im happy that I will never have to see you or hear you ever again. Your ghost still remains in my life, I hope this letter will go some way in trying to get the rest of you out of my life. I want to be able to focus and enjoy my new life without the fear of people like you in it and unfortunately I dont know who is who anymore. You were the closest to me than anything else and you ****ed me over, that has had a lasting effect. Ok Sarah I hope this has helped me, I have no bitterness towards you, I dont hate you, I have no anger or resentment for you, I just have no feelings for you. I dont care if you are clean or sober, I dont wish you any harm either. I hope you are well and Josh is doing good too but please dont ever talk to me or contact me. As I said, if you had the guts to say all this to my face without lies and cheating and manipulation, it would have been different. Oh and Sarah I do know that in your recovery you will have to make amends. Dont think for one minute that you will get to clear your guilty conscience with me, you lost that right when you dumped me on the phone, your cowardice will be rewarded. Please dont contact me to make amends, the best amends you could make is staying away from me and staying out of my life. I want to move on and repair the damage you did and get back to who I was.