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Reminiscence

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  1. Balls I cracked yesterday. I texted him in the evening saying I wasn't talking to him because I needed space. We chatted for a little bit and caught up. He hasn't texted me at all today and I no longer have the temptation to talk to him. It's weird I feel a little better after telling him. I still wish that we could have worked things out but it's not like before where I was pining and frustrated. I had lunch today with a close friend that I hadn't seen in a while and filled her in on what everything happened. She advised that I should meet up with him and talk since he was sending mixed signals. I agree with her since I feel confused after everything that's happened but I also wonder what I did that made him suddenly change his mind. My friend told me that sometimes I come off as cold and distant...I wonder if that had anything to do with what happened... Only way to find out is to talk to him but when? And how? I think I'm almost back to how I was before I was seeing this guy but then again I can't go 100% back. I'm pretty sure I'll always wonder what things would be like if we talked or tried to work out our "differences." C'est la vie. I want to give it another chance but I also want him to want to try again too. If he does, hopefully we'll both have changed to give it a real try not just a "we'll see." Though I won't let him off easy. I'll find some way to do that.
  2. Day 14 Why do I like him? We barely got to know each other. He thinks we're too different but we never did anything together. What happened? First, you ask to text more and ask to plan something later but then 24 hours later you change your mind and just want to be friends. WHAT THE F***
  3. Day 12/13 AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH must. resist. texting. him. i miss him...
  4. Day 11 Getting really hard to resist texting him. I miss him. I wake up every morning and think about him. He needs to know how I feel but every time I pick up the phone and see his name I get angry. I can't think of nice things to say. My mind goes haywire. And yet I still like him. The resisting of texting him and keeping my anger in check is like straining to lift or push something too heavy. Like I'm going to explode. All the while I keep thinking "why?" Why were we together in the first place? Why did you kiss me? Why?
  5. Day 9 I texted him. He asked me why I wasn't talking to him. I replied "Because I can't". His answer "Really? You ok?" ... I don't know if I should smack you upside the head or if I should face-palm myself. I didn't reply to his second question because I got the "Are you effin kidding me" meme face. I don't regret texting him. He is clearly oblivious to how I'm taking his request to be just friends. Part of me just wants to blurb everything. "I miss you" "Can we talk?" "Give me another chance" "What happened?" "You're an ***" "**** you" "What the hell is wrong with you?" "If this was all the time you could afford me, I would have been perfectly fine" "You don't know me" "I still have feelings for you" No. It would be stupid. Idiotic. Common sense and logic committing suicide. But wasn't there that saying? "Leave nothing unsaid" Oh life...what twisted paths you lay before us
  6. Day 8 Now I'm struggling with not contacting him. Ever since he asked me why I'm not talking to him. This entire time he's been texting me but I've kept silent. Looks like he's taken notice of my silence. What to do now? I'm so conflicted. Part of me still cares about him but another wants to hurt him. Part of me wants to say nothing but another wants to talk to him and ask if we can try again. Part of me doesn't want anything to do with him, to cut him out completely, he doesn't deserve me, he had his chance and he won't be able to have another. Part of me wants to do what he wants to do but another part sees no way of that happening. Part of me misses him but another part wants to give him the cold shoulder. 8 days and still so lost.
  7. If I do reply, he'll know that I'm upset. What do I gain from that? Not sure. But he's taken notice to my silence. He's been texting me every two days ever since he decided 2 weeks ago we should just stay friends. He probably thinks I'm fine with being friends which I'm not. I didn't try to talk to him about changing his mind because you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. I can't wrap my head around anything that happened between us. Only that I felt led on and in the end I'm angry.
  8. Uh oh. He asked me why I'm not talking to him. Should I keep ignoring him or tell him? I've gone 7 days with no contact and I had absolutely no desire to talk to him until now. What should I do? And could the fact that I'm struggling with deciding to answer his question mean anything?
  9. Day 5 I don't know how I figured this out. It seems like every two days he texts me...the realization just popped into my head. Guess that's the way he is always keeping in touch with friends. Or maybe it's something else. Or it could just be wishful thinking on my part. I miss talking to him. I miss seeing him. I want to talk to him about why he thinks what he thinks. But just thinking about how that conversation would go in my head I can feel the anger rising back to the surface. Perhaps I should have told him I need space. Maybe I should have tried to talk to him when he told me he just wanted to be friends. What if? Why? So many thoughts in my head.
  10. Day 4 He texted again last night. Asking if i had a textbook for a class. Didn't respond. It's been a week since I last texted him...I wonder what he's thinking....
  11. Day 3 Same thoughts going through my head but I know that I can't make him change his mind. I wonder what he is thinking...is he mad? Does he know that I need space? Does he think I'm playing mind games? Been two days since he last texted me saying that he was going through a rough time with his medication weaning. If we were still together I would have tried to comfort him. It's eating me alive that I didn't. My conscience is tearing me apart. I hope he isn't upset...then again my evil half wishes he is suffering. Sometimes I hate being myself because I am capable of great compassion and kindness and at the same time...terrible rage and evil. Part of me wants to let go and move on or if he changed his mind I'd give him another chance. Another part wants to hurt him and give him the cold shoulder, he had his chance it's his loss. But wouldn't that be childish? But wasn't what he did somewhat selfish and childish too? If I could I would ask him why and prove him wrong.
  12. Day 2 I'm a little more calm now but if I let my mind wander back too far the anger wells up again. I miss you. I feel so guilty that I didn't respond to you when you said you were having a rough time. Perhaps I should have told you that I'm doing this. Perhaps I should have told you how I felt. "Don't you want to take a leap of faith? Or become an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone!" --Saito, Inception
  13. Day 1 My mind is all over the place. It's been 1 week since you decided you just want to be friends because you "think" we wouldn't work out. I'm upset because you didn't even want to try. I wish we could have tried. You've been texting this past week and I haven't been responding. The last text you sent me you said were having a hard time dealing with your medication weaning. It's killing me inside because I still care about you and want to sympathize but at the same time I'm angry and don't want to talk to you. I hate being split down the middle.
  14. Thanks for the advice but I still want to know if it's normal for the dumper--who just wants to be friends with the dumpee--to text the dumpee right away after breaking the news as if everything is all fine and dandy?
  15. I have a question before accepting the challenge. Is it normal for the dumper--who just wants to be friends with the dumpee--to text the dumpee right away after breaking the news as if everything is all fine and dandy? I'm the dumpee and I've made no contact or reply to him but he keeps texting me. Not to mention I've never been in a relationship before so...yeah...not sure what to do. However, he has been in several relationships before. Then again, the guy I was seeing didn't consider our time together to be a relationship because quite frankly we never went on any dates or did anything together. We just texted and I spent the night with him but we never had sex. Wait...then am I still a dumpee? And he's still my ex?
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