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spirit seeking

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  1. spirit seeking
    Day 1? or whatever....I came to the realization that I am not going to be able to get over this. So, instead of avoiding my feelings, I'm just going to go with it. I want to love and communicate with her and everyone. I'm not going to do obsessively, but, like Bhudda would say...the middle. Just occasionally. Still love her, I always will. From afar. And I'll love life. The trees, the sun, the rain, the birds, the people, the fish, the deer... everything and everyone. I can live with that. But no contact is not working for me. I felt just as bad as day 1. So, day 1 of loving everyone and everything...and communicating with everyone and everything.
  2. spirit seeking
    day....? what day is it today? 32...So I guess it's overanalyzing day today. I'm proud of myself for not contacting. She accidentally added me as a friend on Facebook. She told a friend her daughter did it. (I believe that) So I deactivated my Facebook, for a day. I was laying awake thinking of that. Trying to find a Bhuddist answer. The middle way. I don't want to have zero contact with her. But, I don't want to text her and contact her all the time either. And I shouldn't be reacting to her actions. It's my Facebook, I'll leave it open. I will also leave lines of communication open as well. I may break No Contact Challenge to say a friendly: "Hello!" (Exclamation mark? Hmmm...no....too enthusiastic) "Hello"...(too formal)..."hi": (Holy Cow, I think I'm going nuts here) Well, whatever....So, I'm leaving Facebook open, but no contact. That's showing real strength...however... I just learned about Avoidance Personality Disorder. Some people, especially women, push men away to test them. To see if they are persistent enough to stick around. Was this a test? So, my thought patterns went back to the past. Her recently separated husband keeps calling her everyday. She has medical problems. Children. I may be in the way. Maybe she doesn't love me....(but no one kisses me like that and doesn't feel something. I mean...Kissing until four in the morning???) When she needs me the most, she'll push away. Why is that? To see if I'll stick around? So...what is the answer? I should still be focusing on myself. I'm not interested in pursuing any other woman. I know what I want. I know who I want. Patience. Persistence. (am I fooling myself? Does it matter? Three feet to gold) Keep with No contact for now.
  3. spirit seeking
    I was just debating with myself if I should take down my facebook or leave it up. I never update it or anything. hmmmm..Maybe I'll leave it up, but I'll try not to check it or update it. If she wants to see my profile and check up on me, she can. Thanks
  4. spirit seeking
    Day 30 of no contact, but i did see her facebook page. I requested her as a friend after day 7 of the break up. I hadn't started no contact at that point. But, she accepted friend request, confirmed as a friend rather. Anyhow. What does it mean? Perhaps something, perhaps nothing, perhaps i should just continue working on myself and not analyze it, but I have a smile on my face that I can't take off. I know i'll just feel like crap tomorrow. Oh well.
  5. spirit seeking
    I think the Limbo is the worst of all. Thank you.
  6. spirit seeking
    No, not yet, I will watch it tonight though. Thank you
  7. spirit seeking
    Day 28 I feel as badly as I did, day 1. I just want to stop hurting. I am tired of this. I couldn't bear it if I broke NC or she did. I wish I could talk to someone about this. Get some kind of closure for her. Have her tell me that she never loved me, doesn't love and she's moved on. At least, I could stop hoping, or maybe not. I don't know. I know it'll get better. But when? God, I'm in so much pain right now.
  8. spirit seeking
    Day 27 I am beginning to realize something. If I were to contact my ex, after a break up, then I would be violating her space. Of course it's up to her to answer the text. But where I know we are broken up, then I should respect her space and not contact her. However, if I break no contact and text her, phone her, email her then I am trying to control her. By being strong and respect her space, I am actually controlling myself. I miss her, and if by chance we meet again then I will celebrate that event. But for now, I am in control of myself.
  9. spirit seeking
    Day 2 I've hit a realization. I think, i'm still formulating it into words. What i had with this woman was incredible. I know now what i want in a companion. Something incredible may just around the corner, or maybe not. I don't think i need a companion to enjoy life. Life maybe easier without one. I can achieve my goals without someone holding me back.
  10. spirit seeking
    Oh oh... i was looking at her picture on facebook as recently as yesterday..... Back to DAY 1! Dang it!!!!
  11. spirit seeking
    Day 22 I deactivated my facebook account. I hate facebook anyway. I only had it to communicate with her anyway. Still thinking about her. I want to stop doing that too. I wonder if there is a No Thinking Challenge? That would be way harder to do. I hate this memories, well they were incredible moments. In the middle of an incredible moment, we never stop and say...hey this moment is going to end up haunting later. We should do alot of drugs and try to kill those brain cells immediately. Or throw ourselves down a flight of stairs and hope for the best. Nooo, we don't do those things, we just keep kissing in the moonlight and take of all our clothes. What's up with that? Damn you passion!!!! God that was an incredible night. The question is...was it worth this pain? Yes! Yes it was. Day 22
  12. spirit seeking
    I think you can do it. If I can, you can. I think of this. I would want my girlfriend back, free and clear. Without any emotional baggage. I can take this time to make myself even more amazing. If I get her back, Great! If not, well....I did some amazing work on myself. I can't loose. I debated whether or not I should wish her a happy mother's day. hmmmmm not sure. Good Luck.
  13. spirit seeking
    Hi, how are you doing? I just wanted to know what's happening in your life, are you happy? Is there anything I can do for you? (is this helping me at all?) I guess I'm just looking for some alternative to drugs or alcohol to help ease this anxiety, this pain. Reading about how other's are in pain, how I don't feel alone, but I still feel lonely without you. I can have all of my friends and family around me, I'll still feel lonely. When we ran into each other, at the beginning of our relationship, in such a serendipitous way, I thought maybe God had made this miracle happen. Now, if God made this happen? What am I suppose to learn from this? At least I gave our relationship everything. I did not take one second for granted. I let myself fall in love totally. With every fiber of my being. I can die without regret. Of course, this is the price I have to pay. This heart ache. Love is hard. Lust is so much easier.
  14. spirit seeking
    Day 20 Try to keep busy, spend time with the kids, chores...she is still on my mind. Thought of wishing her a Happy Mother's day... decided not to. Even though, I really do think that "special occasions" are allowed in the NC Challenge, and if they aren't, they should be. Something different is happening to me though. We never fought. Sex was always amazing. We were always close. I just realized, that I was actually a very good guy. I always encouraged her. I buy her things. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. I am healthy. I make enough money. I'm a nice guy. Extremely loyal. So, I think she's missing out. She is making a mistake. I think I'm ready to focus on myself now. Baby steps of course. Loose a few pounds since, I gained some weight since the BU. Move to the beach. Start drawing and painting again. I think I will have to live with this hole in my chest for the rest of my life. But, people can live long and happy lives with lost limbs. I'll just develop one of those phantom hearts. I think I'm in love, it still tickles, but my heart is gone. I think I can do this. Ahhhh Some pain is subsiding. Day 20
  15. spirit seeking
    Day 19? I think. I'm seeing her everywhere. I know it's not her, but i walk closer just to see, and of course it's a stranger. This is getting worse. I don't want to see her, i don't want to think of her. But she keeps leaking in my thoughts, or i think i see her on the streets, in the malls, at starbucks. i'm torturing myself. I wish i could just forget. I wish i could just be happy. Stop crying. Day 19
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