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uglypuss

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  1. I feel i've not expressed myself very well so i'll try to clarify. My husband doesn't spend his time abusing me. The question about my looks came up one time and he revealed that he didn't find me attractive, in fact never had, but it wasn't important and he loved me anyway. I was shocked, surprised and hurt and bewildered. This new truth has bothered me since. I've talked to him about it to find out what about me bothers him most and what if anything could be done to make me more attractive to him. As i said before, the problem is fairly fundamental and i feel i can't really do anything to improve matters. Yes, he does eyeball and comment on girls. (he says it's a 'guy thing' but i'm sooo tired of that as an all-purpose excuse...). It seems to me that it's getting worse but it also occurred to me that it's possible that i might be just a bit hyper-sensitive to this right now. I don't think so, though. I think he really is developing more of an eye for the ladies. I posted here because i'm not quite sure how to take this thing, how to interpret this new fact about our relationship. Is it possible that he really loves me but just doesn't find me at all physically attractive? And that it's a non-issue to him? But if so, why all this ogling of others? Instead of saying something about the girl at the drugstore shouldn't he say something nice to/about me? Is it possible that he really doesn't love me and that he keeps me around because.....i make him feel superior/he doesn't want to be alone/i'll always be there because, by god, no-one else will have me? I don't know. Part of me thinks that i'm making a big deal about nothing, that looks aren't important. But at the same time i can't shake this bad feeling; I don't feel comfortable knowing that i'm unattractive to my own spouse. How do i get over this?
  2. He has, apparently, always felt this way about me. It's only fairly recently that i learned about it. We talk very openly and he knows how this hurts me. I understand that he's entitled to his opinion re. my looks. What i don't understand is how you can feel that way about someone you love. In my experience love makes you blind to a lot of your partner's flaws. Do other people find their partners unattractive and simply keep it to themselves? Or does love conquer ugliness in most cases? And (here i go interpreting his behaviour again...) he seems to delight in his poor opinion of me. He periodically reminds me of how drop dead gorgeous his previous girlfriends were. He doesn't stick up for me when someone tells him how he "could have done a lot better". And he doesn't believe people who tell him he has a beautiful wife; he says they're just being polite. It's one thing to tell me i'm ugly but another to tell the whole world. Isn't it? We live in a very small community and i feel kind of odd knowing that everyone else knows that my husband finds me unattractive. How should i take this? I've asked him what i can do to make myself more appealing but the list of requirements is loooong. And some things simply can't be changed (without major surgery and/or time-travel that is). It seems that the problem is fairly fundamental. And i can't withhold sex; he doesn't want it!
  3. My husband of 12 years recently told me that i'm unattractive. Apparently, he's always found me unattractive. In fact wanted an unattractive partner so he wouldn't have to deal with the issues involved with pretty women ( ie. the interest of other men ). I told a couple of girlfriends who reacted with disbelief, whether at his opinion or his voicing of it, i don't know. They chastised him gently. He just shrugged his shoulders in a "what can i say" fashion. In addition, he often stares at other women when we're out together. He also likes to comment on the attractiveness of women everywhere, be it real women in the street or actresses in movies. He's not shy about sharing his opinions regarding the attractiveness of others with me or anyone else. In fact, (and i know this is just speculation on my part) it seems he sort of wants others to know he doesn't find me appealing. I love him and I don't have any other reason to doubt his love for me. But i think if you love someone you find them attractive...i know i do. So what should i make of his low opinion of my appearance? Does it say something about his feelings for me in general?
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