chakka

Hi. I think all couples go through things like this. I have also been with my b/f for about 2 years, just like you guys, and it can be scary. Maybe your g/f is a little scared by the depth of your relationship, or she's afraid of depending on you too much. I may just be projecting though, because these are feelings tha I sometimes have. The fact that you both broke down and cried at the idea of a break probably shows that you love each other after all, that you do want to be together, and are just going through a weird phase. Many friends of mine went through this, funnily enough, at the 2 year mark. We have taken to calling it "the 2 year crisis". By the way, I never tried it, but I've heard that the "break" thing can be dangerous, because it's not clear cut. You don't konw if you're allowed to see other people or not. You don't know if you should move on or not. It's probably better to either be together or really break up. After breaking up she might regret it for fear of losing you, and you'll get back together again. But the "break" thing can leave either of you feeling like you can fool around and the other will just be waiting for you, or vice versa... leave you sulking and waiting for the other while the other fools around. But don't take my word for it, because i DON'T have the experience to back it up. I've just heard that from other people, and it seemed to make sense. As for how to give her space: talk to her and try to find out what is scaring her. Does she think you want take the relationship further (moving in or marriage) and is she afraid? Then assure her you'll wait for her. Does she maybe feel like she has no life outside of you or you have no life outside of her? Maybe limit the amount of time you spend together and each of you make an effort to expand your life, like taking up some new hobbies or reconnecting with old friends... These are just some random thoughts, mostly from my own experience. I'm sure you're issue are somewhat different, but you get the idea... I hope this helped at least a little. And take solace in the fact that many couples I know came through this successfully. Keep us posted and good luck.

Hi. I just wanted to reinforce what Mermayd and Swingfox said. You musn't internalize what that guy said to you, or anyone else. You are lucky to be rid of someone like that. I also want to add for other people reading this (not you kesea) - even if you do sleep around, have one night stands, etc., that is not necessarily a bad thing. It depends on whether or not it's working for you. If you do it out of low self esteem, if you think it will get you love, if you are acting out some kind of trauma like mermayd suggested, then you will just feel worse and worse by being "slutty". It's still not the end of the world, but I imagine a person who does this will eventually view it as some bad choices from which they learned alot. However, if you are "slutty" just because you love sex, because you feel powerful and in control and can separate sex from emotions, because you are open to any experience, then I don't see anything wrong with it, as long as you are happy. It may be a phase and it may be forever, I'm just saying - "slutty" can be a great thing for some people - think Samantha from "Sex & the City" - and it is a shame we give it such a negative connotation. Note how we especially make it negative when we discuss women! Sure, many women prefer long term relationships, and yes many women are promiscious only because of their own emotional problems, but not all women are the same. So all you "slutty" people out there, men and women, if it's working for you and you feel great - rock on! As for you kesea, you are SOOOOO not a slut by any standard. And your "number" really isn't that high, unless you live in Amish country. Seriously, don't worry about it. As Mermayd says, you don't need to tell your future b/f, certainly not at the start of the relationship. But personally, I tend to prefer eventually sharing things, just to make sure the two people really accept each other. That's just me though, and I am NOOOO expert on this. And you don't have to get into specifics if you don't want to, as nobody wants an image in their head of their beloved in bed with someone else. But any guy who doesn't want to be with you because you have a bit of a history is an idiot. So good luck, don't worry, and don't feel obligated to share with your b/f if you don't want to.

I agree with the previous posts... I think you're doing great considering the situation. A lot of people can learn from your maturity and strength. You sound like a great person, and I'm sure you will find happiness. And when you do, you will appreciate it all the more because of this tough time you went through. Good luck

LEAVE, LEAVE NOW. This man is violent! What the hell are you still ding there? And tell other people what he does IMMEDIATELY, to protect yourself. You are in danger. Yes, he needs help. But by staying with him you are showing him it is OK to treat you this way. He needs help, but whether he enrolls in anger management classes or not, YOU need to GET OUT. You may need help yourself too, because this is a traumatic situation to deal with. Talk to counseler confidentially, just so you have someone on your side to help you through this. I can't BELIEVE you're even thinking about who is right and who is wrong in these arguments. Who cares? This man is violent and abusive. The only way you could ever work it out is if you leave, wait for him to get loooooots of therapy, wait for him to realize what he is doing wrong, get some help for yourself so that you can learn to set limits and avoid repeating this situation... But I seriously doubt it. You say you're not even sure you love him anymore. And after 2 years, wouldn't you need YEARS for him to get better and prove that he's better? How could you ever feel safe with him again? Sounds like you're better off starting fresh. WHAT IS KEEPING YOU THERE? This is not your fault at all, but you definitely need to look into why you are willing to accept this behavior... In any case, this relationship must stop now, in order to give you the future you deserve, and hopefully him too (if he gets help and learns to change his ways). Don't marry him. Don't have kids with him. Don't stick around long enough for him to beat the crap out of you and/or kill you eventually. Please let us know how it goes and if you have more to say...

SammerJo, I read your post and when you describe this arrangement of being "friends" who still sleep together when he's there, I just want to scream: "NO NO NO! BAAAAAAD IDEA..." You see, of COURSE he doesn't say there will definitely not be anything more between you in the future. He wants to keep his options open, and you're letting him get away with murder here. You will never get more of a commitment from him unless you demand it. My advice is, cross you legs and keep them crossed, until you get an exclusive boyfrient-girlfriend relationship with him. If he can't give you that, you shouldn't be sleeping with him, because clearly this will keep you from moving on. If he can't give you the kind of relationship you know you want, it means he is not ready, or doens't love you as a gf. Whatever his reasons, whatever his hardships, this is NOT OK. And it's YOUR responsibility to put a stop to it. You were on the right track when you said you wanted something more. You know where you went wrong? When you thought that the fact he doesn't DEFINITELY say its over means that this situation can continue. This situation is convenient for him. He will never stop it if you don't. And it sounds like it isn't working that well for you. Don't worry, you will get the realtionship you want. If it isn't from him, then it wasn't meant to be. God luck, I'm sure it will work out for you in the end.

Doc, I agree with mermayd and cindy, but I don't quite agree with your friends suggestions of being less nice. It is all about striking a delicate balance, but it's not as hard as it seems. First of all, just be yourself. Do NOT be mean or "bad boy" if it isn't really you. You wanna know why? Because some girls, like me, want a NICE guy. If you are a nice guy, these are the girls you want to attract. Nothing wrong with that, no reason to be "bad". Please understand, there is a difference between being too nice and being too available. I propose that you CAN be less available, and less "whimpy" in the relationship, WITHOUT being any less nice. There is NOTHING wrong with being nice. The only thing I would consider too nice is if you are so nice to the other person, that you forget what YOU want and how YOU feel. So if you have an argument and you feel bad about it, but you don't feel the you were wrong, here's an idea: Instead of saying "I apologize, I was an idiot...", you can say something like: "Look, I care about you, I don't want us to fight." If it is an important issue, you can try to both calm down and talk about it later, calmly, without fighting. And if it is a really unimportant issue, such as "who's better - britney or christina", then just agree to disagree and forget the whole thing. You can stop fighting without having to blindly apologize for everything when you didn't do anything wrong. But definitely keep being nice. As for availability - nobody wants to be called on the phone every second, especially at the start of a relationship. It gets old fast. So if ever you feel like your girl is losing interest or tired of your calls, don't be mean, just call less. Or when she calls you, assuming you feel like you're too available, you can be super nice and just say "Oh I'm so glad you called, I love hearing from you, but I'm really busy right now. Can we talk later?" And if you want to cut down on seeing her for a little while, to make her miss you a little, do it nicely. DON'T stand her up, or promise to call and then not call. Just say that you love spending time with her, but you're really busy, and it would be great if you could talk or meet up in a few days. You see, you need to have a life, like mermayd and cindy said. And the girl you're dating should see that you have a life, that you are busy and have interests. And finally, I just want to say that if you have had girlfriends before, you can't be doing anything THAT wrong, can you? So keep being nice if that is your nature. Some women, like myself, and like your past girlfriends, want a nice guy and would never date a "bad boy" type. It's just important to have a life outside of the relationship like cindy says, and not be too clingy and desparate like mermayd says.

Hi. OK, let me start by saying that in my opinion, anyone with any sense should avoid situations like this. It is not healthy to be close friends with ex-lovers. There will always be sexual tension and mixed feelings there. I have never stayed close friends with an ex, and I don't think I would ever tolerate my bf beeing close friends with an ex. I don't mean you can't be friendly, I'm just saying there is a limit to the closeness you can have. The situation you brought up mermayd is EXACTLY the kind of tricky situation that can occur if ex-lovers stay really close friends. You ask what it means when the girls tells her relationship problems to the guy. I think there is no clear cut answer - you would have to know the people in question to venture a good guess - but here are the possibilities I can think of: a. The girl is still somewhat interested in the guy, and is using these relationship issues to try to build some intimacy and trigger jealousy. b. The girl is not still interested in him, but she wants to keep HIM a bit interested in HER, just for her ego. So, again, she discusses the new relationship with the guy for the reasons I stated above. c. Perhaps the girl completely thinks of this guy as a close friend and nothing more, and just wants his opinion. I SERIOUSLY doubt this is possible, but to be fair and objective, I guess can't just dismiss this possibility. I'm sure there are more possibilities somewhere in the middle. And hey, don't we all get jealous of exes or want to make them jealous, even if we know we are no longer interested in them? Everybody wants to be the first to move on, don't they? It's irrational, but it's human nature. Now, it's possible that these ulterior motives are subconsious. In other words, the girl is not necessarily aware that she wants the guy to be interested in her or jealous... even if on some level that is her motivation. Another problem with this sort of situation is that this girl can never know how the guy will INTERPRET what she says. Will he think she wants to rekindle things? Will it keep him from moving on? Will he get secretly jealous and obsessed? Anyway, that's what came to my mind on this issue. And by the way, I even think that ANY guy and girl have limits to how close friends they can be without some sexual tension, even with no history between them. Of course I'm sure every case is different, but I do think it's very common for one side to eventually get interested in the other, thus changing the friendship for ever. Even more so if the guy and girl in question have already slept together! I'm not saying don't ever be friends with the opposite sex. I'm just saying, be aware of these problems, and take into account that the other person might view the friendship differently than you do, even if they don't admit it.

Definitely tell your parents. But not when you're angry - then they might think you're just saying it to hurt them. Tell them when you are calm. Tell them you realize you need help, and that maybe they can get a professional therapist for you. Also, as for pros and cons: here's a big con: *************************************** Death is a final solution to temporary problems, whatever those problems are. *************************************** However bad you feel, it won't always be like this. And here is another thought: You have ETERNITY to be dead, and just a short while to live. Even if death turns out to be great (some kind of heavenly afterlife ), there is no reason to rush it. You will be there forever eventually. Instead, take advantage of the short time you have here. So tell your parents calmly, and do let us know how it goes so we know you're OK.

Get youself a vibrator... That should help!

ya, that sounds like it makes sense. And maybe the fact that you have an education in this field will help you deal with your issues alot better than the average person. In any case. I'd be happy if you let us know how it goes...

Wow, now that you have described your feelings about his being married, I can see this is very complicated for you. So complicated, in fact, that maybe sending such a letter is not a solution in and of itself. Remember what mermayd said? For this to bring you closure, you need to write the letter just to write it, not to obsess about what he will think when he reads it or whether or not he replies. (Believe me, I know what it feels like to obsess about something. It is really hard to just stop.) I'm not saying DO or DON'T write the letter... I honestly don't know. But I do think you have lots of additional work to do. Don't beat yourself up about still thinking about this. On the contrary, applaud your self awareness for realizing that this is a problem and that you can and should solve it. I would suggest, if it's possible, that you go see a therapist or counseler. I don't know how you feel about therapists, but it seems to me, there doesn't have to be anything wrong with you for you to benifit from one. Seeing a professional can be a great way to vent your feelings about this complicated situation, and to get some objective advice from someone who has experience. It may help you work through these feelings. It's just a suggestion, and I am certainly NOT saying there is anything wrong with you. I just identify with you so much about the whole obsessing thing, and there is no reason for you to suffer like this. And by the way, just because this man is happy with someone else, it doesn't mean YOU were the problem. Think about it, you are happily married too! Why would his marriage make it your fault? By the same token, your marriage could be seen as proof that it was NOT your fault. It seems to me that either: a. This guy is not so happily married and he and his wife have a bad relationship or b. They have a great relationship because he has grown and changed since you two were together and/or c. You two were PARTICULARLY unsuited to each other, and tended to bring out the worst in each other rather than the best. (My guess would be a combination of b and c...) But please don't even worry about what exactly is going on with that guy. All that matters is you and your husband now. I hope you get some more specific advice that will help you, either here, from friends, or from a professional therapist. Good luck

Yes, swingfox is right that friendship may be too difficult for you... then again, it may be a slow and non-scary way to slowly get back to a relationship with her. It's always a risk, so do whatever you feel is best. I have to say though, three weeks is a very short time. Maybe the woman who broke your heart this way was really doing you a favor. Maybe you are not suited to each other after all. Maybe, this was a whirlwind romance and you both got caught up in passion, but then reality kicked in for her and she realized you two aren't right for each other for the long term. I'm not saying that's definitely the case. Time will tell, and if you are right for each other, you will find your way back together again. All I'm saying is if it doesn't work out, I think that just means that she is not the one for you, and she just happened to see it before you did. So lots of luck for you, and, if it doesn't work out with her, just cherish it as a beautiful experience in your life. Some people never experience such romance. If it doesn't happen with her, it will happen with someone else. P.S. Not that I'm saying you did anything wrong, but next time, you might want to take it slower. If things rekindle with her, or if you start a new relationship, it may be better not to burn it out to quickly. Like maybe see each other only once or twice a week at the start, and build up to the I-love-you's more slowly. I'm no expert, so if my advice does not seem right for you, ignore it. These are really just some ideas, in case any of them help you, and I hope they do.

Hi. I don't have any experience like yours, so maybe mermayd's advice will be more helpful. However, it seems to me that it shouldn't matter that he's married. Maybe you should be extra careful when wording the letter, to make sure it doesn't seem like you still have feelings for him. You wouldn't want his wife to get the wrong impression. Then again, you should be careful anyway. You don't want him to get the wrong impression himself either, married or not. From what I gathered from your story, the point of the letter is to apologize and put the things you're ashamed of behind you. So, the fact that he's married shouldn't matter. You could even mention it in the letter, say that you're glad he has moved on and you wish him luck (assuming that's how you feel, I don't want to put words in your mouth). As for feeling ashamed and not being able to put things behind you - welcome to the club! I think we all have things in our past that haunt us. It is most certainly NOT pathetic. And finding some way to deal with it that makes you feel better is a good idea. I hope this helps you a little. Good luck. (And mermayd if you see this, what do you think about the fact that he's married?)

Mermayd is absolutley right. This guy is horrible. He sounds like someone who will hurt you and rape you if you give him the chance. Why on earth would you want this?? Why on earth would you want to sleep with someone who has a gf anyway? and why on earth do you actually like him? I would examine these questions. It's not at all your fault, but perhaps this attratcion is an indication of some kind of low self esteem on your part. I don't know, I'm just guessing. But I am sure that anyone who behaves like you say this guy did is dangerous. Run run run from him! And mermayd's advice about talking to his gf also sounds like it could be good. I don't know the people in question, of course, but the more out in the open you are about this guy's behavior, the more help you will get if he ever tries to hurt you. Remember - get away from anyone who treats you badly. And ask yourself why on earth you like someone who treats you like this.

Hi. Interesting posts guys! I just wanted to clear a few things up regarding the logic of these arguments. In the case of the officers and the boy, mermayd's argument seems to imply that the officer is a murderer because the boy certainly did not deserve to die. You present it as though either the officer is to blame and he is a murderer, or the boy is to blame and he deserved to die. You forget the possibility of an accident where no one is completely to blame for the horrible results. Maybe you think the officer is a murderer - that's your opinion. But, even if someone thinks the officer is NOT a murderer, that doesn't mean the BOY is to blame. I don't see this officer as a murderer, because his INTENT was not to commit murder, but to defend his fellow officer from deadly danger. He could still be held responsible for his negligence - both officers could - but it is not as bad as murder. That's just my opinion though... As for the rape case, again mermayd - I see that you are against blaming the victim and so am I. I think what might clear this up for you is to look at it this way: The rapist is clearly to blame because he INTENDED to rape a woman. It's not as though the woman jumped into the street and a car ACCIDENTALLY ran her over, in which case it is at least partly her own fault. And it's not as though this rapist may have had some question as to what this woman wanted. What, did he think she was looking for a date? Did he not notice her say no? The rapist knew exactly what he was doing, and he is completely at fault. The issue of blame is entirely separate from the issue of prudence - how prudent was it for this woman to be in this dangerous place? Not very. But nobody deserves to get raped for that. She did something dangerous to herself, she did not do anything MORALLY wrong that would make us blame her for anything. And by the way, sometimes people get stranded somewhere and have no choice but to walk home through a dangerous area... Maybe that's what happened to her. (Maybe not, I don't know.) So, there is no conflict here. It is smarter not to be in dangerous places. But nobody derserves to get raped - not the woman who gets raped in an alley, not the one who gets raped in her own home by an intruder, not the one who gets raped by her date for the evening, etc. And nobody rapes a woman by accident, no matter where she is or how she's dressed. No means no. These people know exactly what they are doing. They get off on the force and the violence of it, and they deserve to be punished severely.