anotherperson

I feel immensely rejected at the moment from my girlfriend of 2.5 years. I had a troublesome childhood, that has left me with an anxiety disorder. In the last few months my girlfriend has also been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder as a result of her suffering panick attacks and light depression. Her therapist doesn't think that I am the cause of this, but rather her relationship with her father as she was growing up. Her parents can hardly tolerate eachother but still live under the same roof. They would rather brush the issue under the carpet than deal with it and save the marriage. This has had an effect over the years on my girlfriend and subsequently she is finding daily tasks in life difficult as a result. For example she is extremely conscious of what people think of her, etc. I should point out we are in our mid 20s. Myself and my girlfriend live together (for the past year) and things have been going great in that regard. However our sex life has suffered somewhat as she for most of that time tried to figure out why she was feeling down a lot of the time. It was blamed on this and that, and when she'd fix this or that our sex life would improve, but then it would crash down again because the issue she addressed was not really the root of the problem. For example, she got her career in order and things improved, but then she felt that she was not working hard enough, so back down in came again. Then she felt that she was overweight, so it came down again, then she started going out more to meet the girls and it improved again, then she started to earn more money so it improved again, then she got sick and back down it came. She gets sick on average every 6 weeks. As a result of my condition I have spoken with counsellors because I don't want my issues to impact on our relationship. I have had little success to date. I have arranged to meet a new councellor in the next week. At 4am this morning for example, she called me to the bathroom to help her relax as she was feeling physically sick as a result of a stomach condition she was diagnosed with. Of course I helped her and as a result I took the day off work to be there for her. So far all day she and I have argued because she has been reading medical articles online and believes she has yet another condition. She has become extremely irritable as a result of all this pain and stress she is under to get better. However she is getting mail from work all the time telling her that she is not needed and to make sure she takes the time to get better. Yet she is yelling at me telling me that she needs to get better and ends up only making herself more stressed as a result. The main thing out of all of this that annoys me the most is that when we visit her friends or family she seems perfectly OK. She may (occasionally)tell them that she is not feeling well, but has a smile on her face and laughs and enjoys herself. They know about her various conditions, but at the time she is with them, she is able to act and behave like nothing is wrong. As soon as we're alone she's telling me that she feels awful and to bring her home to bed and that she is depressed as a result of all of this pain. It annoys me that if she is in so much pain she can switch like that in front of others. So we argued about this and she said that she depends on me because I live with her and that if she was living at home, she would depend on them. She says she doesn't need everybody to see her sick, that it wouldn't make her a good person if she went around moping all the time to everyone. She also tells me that I am just to be her boyfriend and not try to help her all the time, and that I can't because I'm not a doctor. This annoys me because, Yes!, I am not a doctor and subsequently I cannot treat her medical condition, but I can help her in other ways, and depending on her current mood she will let me do this or not. She tells me that my anxiety is only making her worse, so I drove her to her mothers just there to spend time apart. Although this is not what I wanted, she insists that she must look after herself and that if it requires her getting away from me, then so be it. What annoys me is that she is probably down there in her mothers now saying something like "I don't feel well, and I'm stressing her out, so she needed time apart". She will then watch TV with her mother or go shopping and enjoy herself, instead of holding her stomach and groaning all the time. I need advice. I love her very much, but she is sick all the time, and one minute she is telling me she depends on me. Then another she is making feel useless and unappreciated, like I am the cause of her sickness. I understand that she is sick and tired of being sick and she has specifically said only today that she wishes she could just be brought in to hospital for a few days where they could carry out as much tests as they liked and treatment, etc, as long as it would fix her for good. I believe her when she says this. Is she being unfair to me, or am I the one who is wrong?

Beec, thank you...thank you very much I think there may be hope for us. I sat her down last night and had a big talk with her. I reminded her that I love her very much and that I always want to help. I'm 4 years older than her, and think in some regards I've learned some lessons in life that I can help her with. It's obvious (and many people agree with me in our lives) that she has self-esteem, confidence problems. Last night she came to me telling me that she felt fat, old, and generally unattractive, and that she feels like she is losing touch with her youth. Because of money we have not gone to a club together in 6 months. I told her this and said that we're both young, and to be deprived of going clubbing for such a long period of time at our age would make you feel like you're missing something (considering we used to do it a lot before that). I asked her straight out that a lot of her stress and worrying has to do with all the work she puts in to trying to get people to like her. I read that people who suffer from low confidence tend to spend more time trying to impress those you are not really close or significant to, over people who love, care and are very much a part of their life. I mentioned this to my girlfriend, and she said that "yes!, she does that, and deep down she hates it, but can't stop". I reassured her that many people have this problem, she is not the only one. I told her that she is beautiful, smart, and works very hard, and every one of those compliments is true (in my opinion). In the last year she lost 3 - 4 close friends of hers, who in my eyes and her mother's did her no good. They were all single girls (slightly older) and never had boyfriends themselves, ever. They weren't too keen on my girlfriend having a partner and through various schemes always tried to pull us apart. My girlfriend told them that she loved me very much, and they pretty much gave her an ultimatum (them or me). She choose me!. Now this proved that she does love me very much, and it made me feel great that I had a girlfriend that loved me that much, but as time passed I realised it did nothing for her confidence, because she has very few female friends remaining as a result. She thinks that she cannot spot when people try to deceive her, or act selfishly. She told me last night that those girls (who she hasn't seen in 3 months now) used to make her life very difficult when we started going out, and that they didn't even want to get to know me or give me a chance. Yet back then I went out of my way to help those girls with college assignments, just to be nice and show them that I am a caring, kind person. They took my help, but gave nothing in return. My girlfriend continued to defend them back then, and I just stood back as they were not my friends, and as far as I was concerned, I tried. In the end it approached my girlfriends 21st birthday, and everyone was invited. On the night not one of those girls even showed up or sent a gift. ALthough only months before my girlfriend had spent large amounts of money on gifts for them. It was very unfair. Those girls made her feel old, and fat and out of touch, according to her (last night), but she wants to be able to forget them and move on. But the injustice breaks her heart. So I told her that she doesn't need to worry about them anymore, she is better than them. She is a good person, and caring and kind, and although she is the one who suffered, she still cares what they think of her. I told her that she no longer needs to care, she is better than them. I told her that she has met new people that she works with, and when she returns to college as a grad student she will make new friends there too. Some may be horrible, and others could be the best of friends. She told me last night in a quivery tone "Yes!, I am better than them, and thank you for helping me". I feel sorry for her, and my heart really goes out to her. I am a guy, I've seen a lot of things, and my eyes glazed over just seeing her realise that she is a good person, who should be confident in herself. So anyway today, I met her on her lunch break and she got paid from work. So to celebrate she went and bought herself some new clothes. She has dropped a size in jeans, and is very happy about it. Tomorrow night there is a big party, because her only sister is leaving home for a year to travel around the world. I am invited also, and cant' wait. It will be the first time in a while (apart from the concert, etc, the other day) that my girlfriend will actually be getting out and enjoying herself like she deserves. She bought the clothes today because she wants to have something new for going out clubbing in the new college term. It makes her feel better to know she has lost weight, she has new clothes, and that she can afford to go out every now and again in the future. We're also moving in together for the first time next weekend. Can I ask the women reading this, do you think these changes will improve her confidence in herself and get her out of the rut she has been in. In the past she used to try so hard to be friends with everybody, even people that were outright nasty. She saw value in numbers, and not in good people. Now at this point in time I'm not convinced that my girlfriend will return to college and not throw herself at everybody in her class (not in a sexual way, but a friendly way). My male friends who are also 4 years older than her, commented to me before that she is trying way too hard to be their friends, and get them to like her. She even got drunk one night and told one of them that she really really hopes that they like her that it would crush her if they did not approve of us being together. My mate told her straight out, to relax, that they thought she was lovely, and she didn't need to try so hard. She smiled at him, and later on that night told me she was upset because he had said to her that she tries too hard. The reality is she does, and I know that was about a year ago when that happened, but what I really need to help her do here is to not care as much about what people (who she hardly knows) think about her. It doesn't matter. I mean if all my friends told me that they hated her, it wouldn't force me to break up with her. I love her and they even don't have to like her. It would make things more difficult, but my decision is mine and nobody else's and that is what I think is important. What do you think?

If I did that she would absolutely freak!!. As I said in my last post she asked me never to say such a thing and make her sound like a liar in front of others. She said I have no right to do that, and I am not her boss, she can chop and change her opinion as she pleases. Of course she can, but if she was to be honest, she's not doing it for the right reasons in my eyes, in most cases. There is 4 years between us, however I know when I was her age, I wasn't going out of my way to impress every new person I came in contact with. My stepfather is a football fanatic. When she comes over to my house and he's watching a game she will make a comment such as "Who's winning" or "I hope [your team] beats the other team, because they deserve it", acting like she cares, or even knows anything about it. My mother has asked me is she serious, and I told her that she does it to feel accepted. My mother thinks it's immaturity and would agree with what ye have posted so far. I just wish she could relax and be herself. She said to me that it's extremely rude not to adapt in social situations to a certain degree. Yes of course by that I would mean be hospitable, but not go out of your way to agree with people and tell them what you think they want to hear. She told me before if someone doesn't like her and she hasn't really given them a reason to be that way, she gets extremely frustrated and wants to resolve it. I told her that people don't have to like her, and anyway if they don't appreciate her then are they really worth knowing. She would agree with that because it sounds "idealistic", yet putting that in to practice is something she just can't seem to do. What can I do to help her confidence, and help her realise that she is special already, and that she shouldn't be so concerned with what others (especially people she hardly knows) think of her? It's like she loves meeting new people so she has a clean slate in which to impress them. But it doesn't always last very long because she can't hold up the mask forever, and they leave her. It took months after we started going out before I got to see the real her, and I liked it. However she did lie to me about certain types of music that she likes and places she likes to go etc. When she felt comfortable with "us" she said that she doesn't actually like those things, and I said thats fine, because we really do have a lot in common already, but at the start it seemed like we enjoyed exactly the same things all the time.

My girlfriend and I have been going for 16months now and in that time have had many ups and down. But I will definitely say the good outweighs the bad. However I'm starting to believe that a lot of reasons behind past and present arguments are based on her inability to accept other people not liking her. I mean we could start with petty things (I should point out we're both in our early to mid 20s) such as her liking football or sport in general. I dont' like sport (yes I'm a guy and I don't like sport). Before we started going out and she realised this, she said it was a big plus, because her last boyfriend used to ditch her to watch football with the guys. I'm not like that. However if she's in the company of people that like football, she will pretend she is too, and will even say things like "I'm much more of a fan than anotherperson would be". I wouldn't say anything there and then, but afterwords I would have said "why the hell did you say that?, I mean you don't like soccer" and she said that she doesn't really hate it, if she;s around people that do, and that you have to make changes to blend in". So there's examples like that, which I think are petty and not worth arguing over, but it gets worse. A few months after we started going out I met her after the cinema where she went with a load of female friends. When I arrived I gave her a big hug and told her I loved her. She told me to "shush!!", and I was shocked. She later told me that she didn't want any of her friends to be jealous. We argued and then she realised, having talked to others that if her friends were jealous then it was not her problem and that she shouldn't have given a damn, if she deep down wanted to reciprocate (which she didn't on the night), she could have. So it's nearly a year later from that time, and two days ago we were talking about the subject and she said, I was to never say in social situations that her opinion is really different from what she says at the time. I said yeah fair enough for petty things like sport, but what if it comes to things like us and how we are together, would you change your ways to suit others around, and her reply was "I think you know that I wouldn't, and I love you very much". Exactly one night later (last night) she was in a situation where she contradicted that I think. She went to a concert with her sister to another city along with a load of other girls. They were staying at a friends house. We don't live together (yet) so we usually call eachother before going to bed to say goodnight, it's a routine. Hours before going to bed she rang me to say goodnight, and I said "it's terribly early" for this kind of thing, "I will ring you later" I said. She said I was not to ring later because all the other girls had already said goodnight to their boyfriends and that it wouldn't be right. I became suspicious that somethign was up (although I trust that she woudlnt' be cheating on me). This didnt' make sense. So I didnt' call her, although I expected that she may have gone to a club and not wanted me to know. However that was just my mind running wild. So anyway I didn't call her, and a few hours later (around the time we usualyl weould be saying goodnight) she sent me a message to call her, and I did. She wasn't at a club or even drinking or anything like that and said she got some time on her own away from the others and just wanted to say goodnight. I just said goodnight to her, and didn't bother saying "you've just shown me that even how we relate to eachother can be up for debate when she's around other people". It has really annoyed me and I don't know if I'm over reacting here, but is what she is doing very wrong, or is it harmless?

I think you may be on to something there to be honest, that perhaps I have overlooked, amongst others that occurred to me today, but first let me tell you about the appearance thing. She thinks she has put on weight in the last year. I don't really think she has. I think she has a lovely figure and I'm very much physically attracted to her. I tell her this all the time. She is not extremely thin, but at the same time she is not overweight. She may have a tiny bit of fat around her hips and stomach, but it suits her and I wouldn't change the way she looks for anything. Over the past while she has become a little obsessive with how she looks and losing this weight. When we go shopping she would take note of practically every girl that passes her by. In the last month we were having coffee while out shopping and while I was talking to her I could tell I didn't have her undivided attention, and that she was looking to her side. I looked over and there were three girls around her own age who were wearing tops that exposed their stomach area and tight jeans etc. I asked her "are you staring at those girls because you think they're prettier than you". She replied "yes!". I told her that she can't spend the rest of her life trying to look like other people. I mean if you changed your body and constantly compared yourself to others you would never come to a point at which you're happy with yourself. Where I lose points as a boyfriend is because as a guy I don't care as much about my appearance (or I mean what other people think). I mean I'm not thin, but not fat either, we're both comparable to eachother in that regard. I believe in being healthy, and don't eat fast food all the time etc, but I don't get upset if I see a guy with a six pack, tall, dark, handsome pass me by. I don't really even notice that kind of thing. So because it doesn't bother me that much I'm guilty of not considering it to be something that would cause her so much stress off the bat. I do now, and I tell her almost on a daily basis how fantastic she looks. She knows I'm not just saying because she can see the sincerity in my eyes. The other day I met her after work. She was walking up the street towards me and in my head I thought "wow!" she had done a really nice job with her hair, and I told her so. Her face lit up, and I could tell that she was extremely happy with what I said. That happiness lasted all of about 10mins, and she then got a headache on the way home. My guess is that her father makes her feel unattractive because he has problems with depression and when he's down he tries to take everyone else down too. In the last 2 weeks he told her that she needed to get in to shape, that she let herself go. I was completely enraged when I heard this and told her not to mind him that he was probably drunk, or had a bad day and took it out on her. I reminded her that I thought she was beautiful and she says "thank you". But she says she knows I am attracted to her and that she has to make changes for herself, and nobody else. She's happy and it makes it easier that I find her attractive but she said as long as she doesn't feel attractive to herself then she has to do something about it. Also she hasn't got the best willpower in the world, and after I got past the fact that she was going on a diet (which I didn't think was necessary) I gave her my full support. I even decided to make my routine more healthy so I wouldn't be a bad influence on her. Heck I even joined the gym to get myself in better shape. Besides how she looks I think that she and I have gotten ourselves in to a bit of a routine that was once stimulating and welcomed by both of us, but now I think she's a bit sick of it and I hadn't noticed. She has little money (is in the process of getting that sorted out) so she didnt' have plenty of money for socialising and doing her own thing so we resorted to watching dvd's a lot, and maybe every 2 weeks going to the cinema, and going out for a meal (I would pay for it, because she has little money). So yesterday she, her older sister, and a load of her sisters friends headed off to another city to go to a concert. She's at the concert right now and is having the time of her life. I'm delighted that she's enjoying herself because she deserves it. But in the last few hours I realised that perhaps she's really enjoying herself because going to this concert is something new and stimulating. Perhaps she was bored with our routine, and we need to start doing much more new things. I know she would like to go horse riding, and perhaps join a dance class with me. Before we only talked about it, so I think I may suggest we do that for real when I see her again. Oh and in the past I had serious trust issues which I posted on these forums about. RayKay you helped me out on many occasions with that and I thank you. Look at me now. My girl is gone off to another city without me enjoying herself, and I'm not the slightest bit worried that she may cheat on me, I can now say I genuinely do trust her (wuhoo, go me!, I think I've bet it I would appreciate if women out there could relate to my girlfriend and tell me if they think that perhaps I've stumbled accross a problem that could very well be the reason why she and her libido have been low as of late. I'm willing to try new things, I mean I love her very much and just because horse riding might not be my idea of an extremely fun afternoon, I have never been and it might very well be. But I know she would love it. What do you think?

She's been on the same pill for 5 years. She suffers from terrible period pains and the pill was initially to counteract this. Sometimes I think she suffers from a hormone imbalance, because sometimes right out of the blue she tells me that she feels down like she's having her period. Immediately I think "depression", but she doesn't have anything in her life that could be causing her that much stress. I don't put pressure on her, and I tell her all the time how much I love her (probably too much at times, but we have our norms). She said she would talk to her doctor about her pill. Which she never has. I never really put pressure on her either because she told me horror stories of when she first went on the pill and how it affected her moods. She not too keen on taking the risk of a new pill. Right now I think the ones she is taking are brilliant in comparisson. Again this is just what I've heard from her and that was back in a time when I didn't know her, but like everything else I trust her and if she says (x) then I believe (x). Perhaps there is something else she could do. I mean this is something I don't know and I don't even know if she knows. As a girl gets older can the same pill change it's effect on the person. Or is it a case of if you find the right pill, stick ot it inevitably? Switching pill, what is the process?

Thanks Beec that's very useful advice Change my seduction methods /takes note! You see up until now we'd be in my bed in my parents house and I'd just start kissing her and rubbing my fingers along her body, and within a min or two of me doing that she would say "can we do it later", and then she'd intentionally fall asleep while we watch dvd or something. In the morning she would say she is a morning grouch and never feels up for it then. It's true she hates mornings and doesn't deal with them very well.

About 2 weeks, and yes of course I can wait. I mean she's having her period this week (last saturday to this saturday), so this week is out for sex anyway. But I suppose my whole point of posting here is "what if" things don't change when we move out, what can I do. I really don't think they're going to just change abruptly, or if they do then it will probably be only temporary, which proves that deeper issues still exist.

I believe she wants one too, based on the fact that she is a very sexual person. Sex to her isn't just an act, something that couples do every now and again, she has commented on how well we connect and what I do for her. But there are times I feel she would just rather give me a handjob than have sex, and at least that way she feels she's satisfied me so I wouldn't come back to her later on saying we haven't had sex in ages. Recently I said to her, I haven't given you an orgasm in about 3 weeks, and she said she can't get there unless she is in the mood. Understandably I think. I know the headache is the oldest trick in the book and she knows I'm not stupid, but if I was to sit her down and talk to her about her libido, what could I say to her?. Could I say - you should go to your doctor? - question the pill she is on? Oh yeah another thing, she is on the pill and I use a condom. She would really like to have sex without a condom, but anytime we try she tenses up and freaks out after about 30seconds. I can tell though that she wants it. Although both of us are no in the position for a kid, I have no problems wearing a condom, so I do. So again I don't put pressure on her. I then saw that as her wanting something new and something different to spice up sex. So I did some research and came up with loads of new positions for us to try. She's still only really comfortable with missionary. I'm getting frustrated

Raykay, yes you have helped me on more than one occasion and I listen to every word you say because it makes sense. Thank you once again for replying to "another one" of my problems, you're a saint I do think there are deeper issues, but one thing that I only really thought of tonight. Her parents are on the brink of divorce, they live together in the same house (but sleep in separate bedrooms) it has been this way for approx 10 years. Her parents have a very abnormal relationship, but don't do anything about it. They don't argue, they just sleep in the same house, rarely speak and go about their daily lives. They don't discuss or try and work on their relationship, it's just dismissed. I think that perhaps my girlfriend has inherited this behaviour to a degree. However I wouldn't completely jump on that train of thought, because in other aspects of our relationship she can tell me straight out if she has a problem with something and we sit down and discuss. Sometimes we argue, sometimes we just talk, but we always come to an agreement that we both think is right. Except for this paricular thing. I would love to show her that, because that is what I thought myself (but I can't because she would go mad if she knew I was here discussing our problems). I don't think she would understand that I come on here because I don't feel confident enough in myself and my own judgement to do what I feel is right all the time. This is my first serious relationship, and because I love her very much I don't want to make to many mistakes. Instead I prefer coming on here and telling everybody what is up, throwing out my thoughts, and taking in everything that comes back to me. It is extremely helpful, and I'm very luck to have this resource. Based on the excuses that I get from her I am 99% confident that it is for the same very reason we don't have regular sex. But when I hear her say things like "things are fine the way they are" then I'm not so sure and really need to wait and see what happens when we move out. When we first got together we had sex literally every time we possibly could. Then she started to get very paranoid about where we were and was there a chance that people could hear us. It's got to the stage today where the house could be empty and say we can't because someone could come back unexpectedly. To me that doesn't sound like a person who is craving sex? What do you think?, What can I do?, What would you do?

My girlfriend and I are both in our early to mid 20s, living at home with parents, and are about to move in to our own new place in the next few weeks. We're going out 16 months now. When we first got together we started having sex 3 times a week. My parents are very liberal about sex and her staying over, sharing my bed. Her parents are the opposite (I've never even slept on the couch in her parents house). Over time and especially in the last 4 or 5 months (except when we went on holiday) we are having sex maybe once a month. She uses every excuse in the book, from headaches, other people around (when before it didn't bother her). Then at times she will just admit that her libido is low and that she is sorry. I pleasure her every time we have sex, and she usually climaxes before me (I can last a long time). I do everything she asks me to do. I am her 2nd partner and she was my first. Although she only had sex about a dozen times spaced over 4years with her ex (which she told me, and I don't have any reason not to believe her, so I do). Now when have our own place, many of the excuses that she uses will not be able to fly in the new place. Now I don't say any of this to her because I only think if I put pressure on her I will only make things worse, but she knows I would rather have sex more than we do, based on the amount of times she turns me down. On those occasions when she tells me that she isn't in the mood, I tell her its OK. She'll ask me if I'm disappointed, and if the conversation gets that far, that is usually where she will appologise for the state of her libido. I have done lots to help her, but she seems more comfortable to leave things as they are for now, and tells me things will be different when we have our own place. However I'm not going to hold my breath... So what I would like to know what is how often is normal for a healthy, happy young couple, who have their own place. I'm not asking for sex every day (even though I'm sure plenty do), but I think that normal couples have sex more often than once a month. At least this way I can decide if something is up, and if there is then I can at least tactfully sit down and talk to her about, and perhaps help her sort it out. I don't think that she is unattracted to me (well I hope not, but I trust her when she tells me she only has eyes for me). Her only sister is leaving the country for a year, and she is quite upset about this, and I know this could be having an effect, but it's been this way for months now. I think everybody has stress in their lives (normal stress, such as bills to pay, work that they may not always like, etc) but this doesn't effect their libido. Or maybe I'm wrong, and if I am, well then what can one do to make the situation better. I promise you all I'm not one of these selfish boyfriends who just wants sex, because my girlfriend knows I'm extremely generious. I just want to know if we're in trouble, and know if I have reason to discuss this with her. [edit]OK I just read back what I wrote so far and I think I'm projecting an image of a terrible boyfriend. I'm not demanding we have sex or i'll leave her. I know she enjoys sex with me too, but would like her to want to have sex at a normal rate. She did ask me before to let her instigate it, which I did, but in the whole time we've been going out she's done it twice. But when I instigate sex, and she's up for it, she's equally as passionate and in to it as I am.[/edit] Thank you in advance for any help you can give me

The two of us spend a lot of time together, probably too much for the health of our relationship. I have money, and the time to go out and enjoy myself. Her circumstances are little more difficult and she is working as hard as she can to get herself out of it. She already works many hours a week, in a job that doesn't pay extremely well but is stable and one she enjoys (to an extent, I mean she tolerates it without complaints). This job lets her mix with other people her own age, which is something she sort of lost touch with over the last few months. She doesn't have any female friends she sees very often. Today we sat down and had a big talk. She told me that she loves me very much and is not going anywhere, and I reciprocated. She said that she just wants to feel like she has her own life and that she feels a little smothered right now. She said it's not completely my fault, because she doesn't really have the time or money to be out socialising all the time, but that may change when she returns to college shortly. 4 out of the 5 female friends she had when we 1st met don't talk to her anymore, and turned out to be really horrible people as soon as she started going out with me. They put a lot of pressure on her to leave me, without actually saying it (well one of them said she didn't approve of us). None of them have ever been in a relationship themselves and are in their early 20s which is strange in my eyes. My girl just wanted friends who respected us and our relationship and those that didn't she kissed goodbye. But I know she misses the times and life she had with them to an extent. She tells me she loves me and wants to do what is right and best for us, and I believe her and I do to. She used some horrible words today like, smothered, trapped, etc, when describing her emotions. I don't want her to feel that way, so I said to her "look you can have a life outside of us, and perhaps we do need to relax the amount of time we spend in each others company". She agreed. She said that she wants to move in together still, and we both understand that means we'll be sharing the same bed every night. I make a lot more money than she does right now and moving out isn't really going to kill me financially. She said that she is working so hard just to be able to move in together, but definitely wants that. Yet on the otherhand she wants to be able to go out with her friends to the cinema, shopping, maybe for a few drinks, etc without me. This is something we've never really done. I do trust her, although there have been some rocky moments with my trust in her, but I feel it's my fault and insecurities etc. But it doesn't bother me as much any more. Basically I think a sollution is right in front of us, and something that needs to be explored. We both need to give eachother space to live our own lives. It doesn't mean dramatic change, but if she or I want to go somewhere with our own friends then we can without the other person feeling left out or jealous etc. The moving out thing is only for a few months, and is something we both would like to give a go. I think what is really bothering my gf is that she doesn't feel like she has a life outside of us, and she needs to be able to change that in order to get out of this rut we're in. She asked me straight out today, "considering you're earning a lot more money than me and you know that I'm already making sacrifices to be able to move out, could you pay a greater percentage of the bills until thigns get better." She said she will of course pay her own rent. But when it comes to things like buying food for the house, would I be able to take care of the larger chunk of the bill (some of the time, not all the time). By doing this she said it will give her much more freedom to be able to get that new pair of jeans or make up or have a night out in the cinema (with or without me, doesn't matter). This is something she hasn't had in a very long time. Now I'm willing to do that, because I know she doesn't mean I carry her completely. But just make sure she doesn't starve or go cold basically. We used to go out a lot when we first started going out, but she had more money then. She had finals to do in college and was out of work for a while to study for them and she worked very hard and did very well. During that time I brought her out every now and again and treated her. She never expected it, and genuinely appreciated every one of those occasions. However after a while she just couldn't keep doing it. She didn't want to have me paying her way for her all the time. So when she finished with college for the summer she got the job. She also has loans to pay off so some of her money is going towards clearing off her debt, which is working. So anyway this evening, before going to work, she called a friend of hers and arranged to meet up with her for a few drinks this weekend. I will miss her, but I think it's the right thing to do, and best for us in the long run. When we move in together we plan on only being around eachother at night. During the day I expect she will be off with her friends, and doing the things she has missed for the past while. Am I doing the right thing?, do you think this will improve our relationship. I once heard the expression "absense makes the heart grow fonder", I'm just wondering is this what our relationship needs and will it be the winning forumula to get us out of this rut, or do you think there are many other issues that will still exist once we both get over this one. Thank you

Yes it is, yet I completely see her reasoning for doing so. Personally I don't think I would online date, because often I think a lot of what you read online is more idealistic than real. People find it easier to lie about themselves when hiding behind a screen. Just tell your friend to be careful, I'm sure she will be. How about instead of waiting to be chatted up by vain guys, she makes the move in the real world to chat up someone that she would like to be with. In this day and age it doesn't always have to be the guy doing the chatting up. I've had girls chat me up in the past, and if I have no interest I will be as careful as possible letting them down. By the time I was finished with them I would have them feeling like a million bucks and probably on the track to meet someone else. Does your friend have any male friends, who are single, and have qualities that she would be interested. I don't mean for her to just go think of someone who she's been friends with for years and all of a sudden switch her view of them for the sake of starting a relationship, but perhaps the person she's after the most is right in front of her and she hasn't realised it. Personally I woudn't be as quick to turn to the net to find love. The net has it's advantages, but often unapparent disadvantages. Can you trust the person you're talking to. You have to decide I suppose. I mean in everything I've said I've told and gave my 100% honest opinion. However considering you don't know me, you have no idea what kind of person I am, you could never know if I'm am actually being honest. Its easier to know if you're face to face with someone to judge their character. In the past I remember talking to someone online and they created an absolutely fantastic picture in my head of their personality, etc. They sounded too good to be true, but when I thought about how "too easy" it was, and the fact that out of all the people I met in real life up to that were unable to create such an impact I decided that I was being fooled. I cut my losses and stopped talking to people like that online. Now we're kinda hijacking this thread, so I appologise for that. But I hope that I've been of some help.

That is very sad, and all I can say is that it's a pity there are so many other girls (and guys too) out there making her life difficult. It is because of so much of the former you described that people have lost hope in the latter even existing. Normal guys are intimidated. They will watch how your friend behaves. Actually now even I sound like I'm generalising and to be honest this is something that I don't think we can generalise on, and that's the problem to begin with. People do generalise and it's not fair. For example the qualities in me that I like, don't have much to do with my appearance. I don't think I'm ugly but I wouldn't enter any beauty contest, not because I don't think I'd win or anything, but because I don't need to know if I'm better or less good looking than anyone else. It's not that important. I met a girl who fell in love with me for things that I deem important, where many others didn't even give me a chance. She saw them straight away and for that I think she's brilliant. When anyone (this is not just related to looks), feels that they have the right to put themselves above anyone else, then they have a complex that is only going to be mostly descructive to themselves in the long run. wynterose, I say with your friend give it time. Normal, decent guys are bound to notice sooner or later for her personality as well as her looks. Perhaps she needs to change where she's socialising to put her in a position where she is more likely to meet normal guys. Being good looking and knowing you are good looking are two very different beasts.

Truthfully I would have to say I don't think there is a thing a generic beauty. I think every guy will have a different opinion. Many times those opinions will be similar but little things that guys would notice to get to that stage would most likely be different. Personally if a girl who I believe to be good looking, acts normal and not like a spoilt brat who deep down believes that you will be instantly attracted to her and starts playing games to test your level of interest even though you may not be interested in her at all. I don't want to sound too cliche, but beauty and attractive qualities are not necessarily skin deep. I think that if a gorgeous girl thinks any different to a normal girl then she knows she's hot, and this is not good. She should just be comfortable with herself and stop trying so hard to be beautiful in everyone's eyes. The best looking women I know (apart from my girlfriend) are very VERY ugly inside. They for some reason feel that they are higher than most and that they have the right to be rude to those that they deem less attractive than themselves. This is laughable behavior if you ask me. All of this could have come from the amount of attention they received, but I think she boosted her ego too quickly on perhaps the wrong sort of attention. A good looking girl will attract my attention, but 80 - 90% of good looking women (whom I would deem good looking) tend to know it and instantly it makes them very difficult people to get on with. I also find that girls in their teens that focus way too much on their looks and getting the guys, learn much harder lessons later on in life as a result of this, and the kind of mind they've developed by doing this also turns out to be very destructive. Well I'm in a relationship so I don't have a problem passing by someone on the street whom I deem good looking. Women who know they are gorgeous go for men who also think they're hot. They pair up, they cheat and I think think just like everything else in their life the "love" is just skin deep. They just want to be told that they are good looking all the time. They hate, absolutely HATE to be in the company of other women they deem more attractive than them. They get very defensive, and it upsets them. You have to feel sorry for them, and I would feel like helping them get it sorted, but they're so confused that they would bite the hand of anyone less attractive than them that tried to help. Example, take any stereotypical teen high school or college movie. You have usually have a group of good looking girls who team up and are extremely vain. They wouldn't be caught dead hanging out with anyone less attractive than themselves, and hate those who are more attractive than they. They are only friends because they don't see eachother as a threat on a skin level. So in conclusion, I'm a guy, in his mid 20s, have had many years to analyse the behaviour of my peers and on this topic this is the conclusion I've reached.