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secondchance67

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secondchance67 last won the day on December 14 2012

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  1. 6 months ago I thought you would have had a change of heart by now; you would have realized that you had a wonderful and forgiving partner and come back.......sadly, like most of what I thought I knew about you, I was wrong..again. You let my birthday pass without a single word...nothing. To say it disapponited me is an understatement, but you have become just that, a disappointment....a let down, a potential never realized....a flicker of a flame that could have been a raging fire......but instead, like a coward, you slipped away int othe arms of another man while still living with me...using me....and eventually closing the classic arc in a BU - i am replaced, and you move on. Yor ability to "flip that switch" you say you have inside you; to seemingly erase the 6 years like a bad movie or tv show from the DVR of your cable box of a heart......that is a scary and fascinating trait you have.....to just "turn off" ...even after 6 years....the level of your emotional immaturity...the depths of your damage...just how broken you really are....it saddens me. You will repeat this pattern, I KNOW IT NOW. You will cheat when it serves you, lie about anything to preserve that squeaky clean image you work so hard to protect - sometime I think you worked harder at the smoke screen that hid the real you than you did on us. You gave up...on me...on us....on yourself. Cant you see that I would have tolerated anything you did, because you owned this old heart?...Right or wrong of me...I would have put up with anything, AND DID. I have never in my life loved like I loved you; you threw it all away for a stranger...the conductor of the train you ride to work in the morning.........really? REALLY?? you sat there, day in and day out, building a secret life right under my nose.....and you cheated on me for months, until my gut told me to snoop, and well....the hotel receipts dont lie now, do they? You are a liar. You are a dishonest and unfaithful, selfish monster. You deserve whatever Karma or this life has in store for you. When the day comes, AND IT WILL, that you no longer are so pretty, so seemingly perfect...when time catches up with you, and the hard drinking and lifestyle shows on your face, in your eyes, in your poor judgement and choices....you will be alone. When you cant use your body as bait, sex as a weapon, lies and falsehoods to reel in the next sucker dumb enough to fall for the oldest story in the book: the pretty face and nice body....judging a book by its proverbial cover.....but inside you are a dimestore novel; empty, lacking substance, a fast read and thrill ride to pass the time....forgettable when finished...and you are worth just about as much as that cheap paperback..... One day all that you have done to me, and the guy before me, and most likely several after me, will come back around....you will have to deal with what you have done to countless hearts, mine in particular. One day, the bill will come due....are you going to be able to pay the piper? I wish you could just see the way it makes you look, just for a second, thru my eyes.......the love you have ripped from my soul.....you stole my way to breathe....in you I saw everything...my future, the hurts of the past erased by your glance, you touch made me feel more alive than ever before......you, my beautiful disaster, were my whole world...and ultimately, my undoing. 6 months on now......each day is easier....each day lighter......you are no longer the love of my life......just someone who shared it with me for awhile, until you no longer needed me or wanted me...the next vine was waiting for you to grab and swing away from me on....as you have always done...as you alwys will.... I wish you nothing.....no ill will, no happiness, no pain, no suffering....nothing. I have become nuetral in my feelings...I have become indifferent to your life, your replacement for me.....you in general. I just wish you saw the impact you had on me...the fundamental changes, the continued growth.... the good and the bad..... I owe you just one last thing.......one last "post here instead of contacting your ex"........ I owe you a "thank you"............for leaving, forcing me to grow, and giving me the opportunity to get back in touch with myself, learn to love myself for the first time in my life....to grow...to know what capacity I have to handle adversity and heartache.....and most of all.....what it felt like, just once, to love someone so completely it filled my life, changed my perceptions, and made a believer outta this old man that true love does indeed exsist....it just doesn't always last......nothing ever does in this life....you have to cherish it while you have it. I miss nothing......I regert nothing........I am glad to have gone thru all this, for it made me a better man. Thank you love......from the bottom of my heart. ~ J.
  2. 4 months, 6 days and counting of TOTAL NC - no cyber stalking, no calls, texts, emails......6 years together, and this time apart has felt like an eternity. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure; the "not knowing" how she is feeling or doing, when she was all I thought about and cared about for the last 6 years. NC is necessary, it keeps me from knowing things that can ultimately hurt me in the long run....but it almost feels like a prison sentence at this point.....when will I be paroled? When my heart stops beating, most likely.....
  3. Sure, Sonic, I have one for ya...its called "The Notebook" you can check out that reunion story on Netflix for 3 bucks...and just about every other Hollywood cheesy love story out there that makes us think love conquers all and that its meant to be...... In reality, the sad truth is it is HIGHLY UNLIKELY that a reconciliation will LAST...notice I didn't say it cant happen for two people....I think it happens a lot. But the longevity of the reconciliation is based on so many factors that each one is different and unique, as unique as the two people trying to make a go of it again. Mhowe is a good example...she did it right, he came back, and they are still together...she posts here and there on ENA, and the one point she drives home is that CHANGE AND TIME APART has to happen for it to work; and once the reconciliation takes place, there is ALOT OF WORK to be done to maintain it.
  4. wow...I had stopped counting along time ago.....104 days and counting...not contact from either side. I actually find myself somewhat jealous of the OP that have an ex contact them with breadcrumbs, erroneous mixed messages, etc.....you at least have proof that your ex hasn't forgotten you or erased you from their lives....it may be problematic and frustrating....but you know on some level you are thought of and cared about. I know its WAY better to be in my shoes when it comes to contact - all the back and forth is emotionally draining an mentally exhausting.......but I still wish I'd be contacted, in anyway she wanted...just once.
  5. 78 days today of complete and total NC, from either side, hers or mine. It is over, there is no doubt in my mind she will NEVER break NC, for any reason, and I am trying to move on with my life..... I stopped counting long ago, but I keep seeing this thread, and wondered what was going on....I actually had to find a calendar to count the days off...that, in itself, is a small victory that I am proud of. And I will NEVER break NC, for any reason, no matter what...she made her choice, and it was a life without me in it, so I will not be in it, in any way, shape or form. I am glad I took the time to scan the responses; so many of us are struggling, yet so many of us are "NC Warriors" too.... NC is not a hard and fast rule; it wont apply to every breakup. It is not a religion, or a pledge, a contract or mandatory action. It's a choice. It's that simple. It's a choice.
  6. The silence you have left me with is deafening. I can not hear anything here, in this empty house. I can actually feel the silence, like a mist or warm spot in a cold room....I would imagine if heartache made a sound, then this, my sweetest thing, would be the sound I hear here in the house we made together...in the bed we slept in...in the life you left behind....this then, would be the sound of heartache. I want to fill this life with music, laughter, love...the sounds of happiness.....if "over you" has a sound...I yearn to hear it with every fiber of my being......
  7. Thank you for going completely NC from day 1. I watch so many good people here struggle and go thru so much pain because their ex's continue to throw them breadcrumbs, contact them email, text, etc.....and all it does is prolong the agony and impede their healing. Thank you for being the cold hearted, cheating , lying scumbag you really are inside....turning your back on me is, in reality, the best thing you could have done for my healing. Thank you for walking away into the arms of someone else, never giving me another thought. Guess what? You did that......and it allowed me to meet someone new. Yep, that's right...I did it the right way - you did it the way you have always done it, you overlapped, set it up, pulled the trigger, and vanished into thin air and right into the next relationship without as much as a breath between him and me. She seems interested, friendly, genuine and mature.....and I am glad to have met her..... I am not ready for a relationship with her or anyone , nor she with me, but a friendship seems very likely - she just came out of something messy as well, and we connected immediately over our similar story of heartache...... I have you to thank for this, and every other woman I meet, get involved with, and give to what you didn't want or recognize the value of: my heart and ME. This is not your " free pass to forgiveness ' from me by a long shot....that will come in time. This is just a "thank you" for doing what I wasn't strong enough to do, but knew was needed: ending it once and for all
  8. I spent the last two months literally destroying myself over losing you....sleepless nights...long hours in the gym...reading all the self help books, the forums here.....and I have turned the corner on this. I see you for exactly what you are. I see ME for what I am becoming, transforming into, BACK into....the man I see in the mirror now has the spark back in his eyes......a spark so long ago snuffed out that i barely remember the man looking back at me. You, my tortured, broken love,.............have lost me for always. You have no idea what this feels like; to emerge, reborn, new again.....without the "stain" of you on me, clouding me, draining my will, my heart, my life, ever so slowly...but you were doing it for 6 years......i am amazed that you didn't completely "use me up" Soon, I will stop posting here.....I will no longer need to tell the ghost of you anything......well maybe just one last thing............goodbye and good riddance
  9. It will be 2 months this week that i last saw your pretty face. I can't believe i gave you all the chances i did, for you to just use me, cheat on me FOR THE SECOND TIME, and leave me after all we had been thru. Are you happy now? Happy because you don't have to look into my eyes and the the hurt i tried to hide? Happy that you don't have to live the guilt of cheating on me? Happy that you get to hit the "reset button" on your past, so that the guy you f'd me over for knows nothing? I cried today, I heard the new Theory of a Deadman song " Hurt Hurricane" and it made me think of us - i cried for the first time since last month....and I got really angry. Not at you...but at ME, for even allowing someone like you to even still touch that vulnerable part of me, and to get that type of reaction. You don't deserve my tears...my heart...my anything. i will forever be amazed at the way you walked away after saying your piece about us, and how you have moved on, and how i you said " why would you want to be with someone like me anyway" as you walked out the door forever. "Hurt Hurricane" by Theory of a Deadman I should have know these walls would cave in I should have never left my heart there on the line Cause when the * * * * hit the fan All we ever had ended up lost in the fire And now nothing's saved nothing's caged Was it all in vain? Cause I'm standing in the eye of the storm And everything I've known is blowing away I'm caught in a hurricane I'm leaving here dead or alive And I know that I'd be willing to feel the pain If it got me to the other side Cause I know it hurts Oh hurricane I can feel it hurt Oh hurricane Remember how we were we really were Before this disaster came and tour us apart It was the two of us that was enough The two of us so in love Til the wind blew high The wind of cry and lightning strikes And now we're standing in the eye of the storm And everything is gone nothing remains I'm caught in a hurricane I'm leaving here dead or alive And I know that I'd be willing to feel the pain If it got me to the other side Cause I know it hurts Oh hurricane I can feel it hurt Oh hurricane I never thought it would end You'll never understand How we learn in the end Like this I'm caught in a hurricane I'm leaving here dead or alive And I know that I'd be willing to feel the pain If it got me to the other side Cause I know it hurts Oh hurricane I can feel it hurt Oh hurricane Hurts Oh hurricane Hurts Oh hurricane
  10. C ~ you lost me today.....my "a-ha moment" has happened. I am done with the pain and the attachment to the ghost of you. I am far from coming out the other side of this just yet.....but the sands in the hourglass of us are running out....day by day....I see this clearer....you for what you are....and me for who I forgot how to be...what I want to be...what I will be again without your chains around my heart. I hope that you and him are happy - you deserve to be, even after all you put me thru - you deserve to be happy and if it's him that finally gives you that Sweetness, , then so be it. I will never forget what you did to me....you have left a mark on me for always......you have branded me with a scar that forever will remind me what i DON'T want in a person - what to stay away from, and what to avoid at all costs in the future. I will make someone very happy someday...but it will at the RIGHT time, when I can give myself fully and without the baggage of us still cluttering my soul and thoughts.....unlike you, who jumps form one guy to the next, never healing...never learning...just ....being....being what you are and how you are for always. The cord is cut now. You no longer have that hold on me. Logic has replaced emotion......clarity has replaced pain......my life has replaced my sorrow. And you know what? You will never know just how much you meant to me....a love like I have never felt before for anyone, and most likely wont ever again. You will never know how badly hurt me...the sleepless nights, the tears, the questions. I will no longer suffer in silence. I will embrace the day...feel the sun on my face....smile at the world and realize that the worst of this is almost over.......and you can continue to pretend the 6 years meant nothing, force yourself to forget by drinking and running from your feelings.....I am sure that in time, you will be forced to face what you have done with your life. Will you have regrets? I don't care and wont be around when you do........that will be your cross to bear.....i will be over you and on with my life. ~J
  11. hey you.....guess what? 6 weeks next week...and i am evolving...changing...growing faster than i anticipated. I have poured my heart to you here, in this forum....and your eyes will never see it. You will never fully realize what you have lost - the love i have for you will go unmatched in your life. As i grow stronger...my thought process becomes clearer....i have had a startling revelation: I dont need you for anything....nothing. My life isn't based on your poor excuse for "love" Soon enough, you will hold no place in my heart. Soon enough, you will realize what you have lost Soon enough, i will be over you and on with my life. You loss...hide from it, pretend it away, drink it away.....but you made your decision....let's hope for your sake it was the right one.
  12. My love for you amazes me...it still burns so bright for you after all you have done to me. That flame in my heart- the one that reminds me each day of your presence...it just wont extinguish itself in this old heart. i see your ghost here....i feel you...i look for you everywhere and nowhere all at once. When i close my eyes, I remember the woman i fell so deeply in love with....the one that will own this heart for always. i feel like i am betraying you by trying to let you go and get over you; i want to hold onto the love i have for you forever...it is real...pure...it is like none i have ever known in my life. Even tho you don't want this old heart, even tho you left me so coldly and without remorse, i still belong to you. i see women everyday...on the street in the city. i see taller ones. shorter ones, ....but i don't see you. sometimes i see a glimpse of someone with your hair...or i smell you in the air, your perfume.......my heart seizes in my chest wondering: is that her? then the reality of my heartbreak reminds me, that no, it isn't you....and won't ever be again. I have been told my ol' green eyes tell a sad story. i have been told by many that i have shared my heartbreak with that a love like i feel comes around once in a lifetime; in the face of all the hurt, it perseveres and burns bright......they wish they had a partner so firmly rooted in his/her life, his/her career, and STILL has that kind of love to offer...but i offer it to one who so clearly doesn't deserve it. You are my one and only...i love you still completely and without concern for my own well being. This love is all consuming - it swell in my chest...it fills my mind with visions of you, us....what we could have been...what we should have been. I don't dream anymore....when you took the love from me you seemingly took that too. I drift off asking myself the same questions, wondering...searching for your face in my mind.......then nothing... black and empty, until i open my eyes again. Have you any idea how much i love you, sweetness? have you any idea how i hold onto the scraps you left me with? i just don't think I'll ever shake your hold on me - then one you have that you don't even know about because you are gone and on with your life. i want to let go....just let go...drift...disappear into the nothing...become invisible....live no longer in the here and now, but somewhere i can just love you and have you be happy to have my heart as you once were. i want to feel nothing as you do; i want to be empty and soulless and guilt free for always as you are......maybe then the flame will burn out? On this Valentine's Day, here is my wish for you, sweetness: I wish you all the love in the world....a love that will fill your heart, heal the hurts, and make you smile every second of the day. A love that will fill in your cracks, clear your demons, bring you hope of a future free of your past. I wish for you all that a heart can offer....you deserve a love that will change your world; one that will cherish you and never, ever give up on you, no matter how hard you test it's resolve or worth....a love, for you my sweet thing, to last you forever...... Smile that breathtaking smile for him now....kiss him with that mouth and full lips....lay naked with him and make love like you were the last 2 people on earth. Do that for me. Do that so i know that you are glowing...loving...happy again. Its a simple Valentine's Day wish from this old heart to you. No matter ho much you tried to break me.....I am still standing ...still loving....still yours.
  13. Tomorrow I will think of you....on Valentine's Day. I will wonder if he sent you flowers to your office, so all the women there can see that you are moving on and doing OK (even tho its only been 7 weeks). What those women wont know, and what your family wont know, is that you were with him for the last 3 months, that's right, while you lived with me you carried out your affair with him...for the second time in a year and a half. I hope you are proud of yourself...living a lie to protect your fragile ego and squeaky clean good girl image for everyone.....well i know the truth don't I? I am the one you cheated on. I am the one you lied to. I am the one that got the full brunt of your rage, your resentment, your immaturity and impulsive acts that ruined us. They see the pretty smile and wonderful disposition. I see the monster. They rallied around you as you ended our 6 year relationship because " we just weren't compatible anymore" They supported you, while i was left to suffer in silence. One phone call to your office....to your mom...your sisters.....even if you told them i was pissed and being vindicitve and to ignore my immaturity, what i would tell them, the examples i would give them, would plant the seed of doubt in the "little miss wonderful" act you have down cold.....seriously, if there was an oscar for the best BS job in history done to protect your image at all costs, you would be one of the nominees. I promised myself last night that i would forgive you. i need to find closure somehow....i am on a Ferris wheel of pain...going round and round...no answers to my questions...just more questions...... I forgive you. I forgive you I forgive you. You don't even realize what you did to me, and that's why i can forgive you. You only know this one way to be....black and white...on or off...take it or leave it. You have lived your relationships discarding people, cheating, lying, using them...because its you, its how you are.....not your fault ? Yes it certainly is....no one forced you to cheat or lie - you used your own free will to do that. I must start to forgive you for ME....for my soul, to give my mind a break before it breaks me. Since i will apparently never hear from you again, some 7 weeks in now and neither of us has broken NC. As I sit in silence for another 7 days, resilient and confident that i can go no contact with you forever...the pain you inflicted after all we were thru in 6 years drives me and inspires me to NEVER give you that satisfaction...never reach out into the mouth of the dragon....never ever ever ever...NC is for my healing...and the fact that anything you would say would just tear me open again. I cant...i just cant do that anymore...I want to hear your voice, sense the smile in it as we speak...but you are bad for me...you are heroin....i need to stay far away from the drug that took 6 years from me to leave me with a bunch of old cliche's as to why. Happy Valentine's Day baby....i hope that you are happy with your choices...i hope he fulfills all your dreams and helps you break those self-destructive patterns and you can smile that beautiful smile, love him with all of you as you did me once......
  14. sounds like you were a loving, caring partner....he has no idea what he walked away from....
  15. This is what runs thru my mind when i am weak....when i think that you got the better end of this, that you left me for another man and had him in your life forthe last 2 months you were with me....these things, above all else, remind of the REAL you - the one that i was intorduced to in those last days of us. these are the things you said, with cold indifference: " I am not in love with you anymore " " I have moved on " " Its not you - its my issue - you did nothing wrong" " Why would you want to be with someone like me anyway? " " the only mistake you made was picking the wrong person to be with" " I dont feel guilty for making this decision - sorry, but i dont and wont." " please dont dwell on this - it just didnt work out, thats all...6 years or not, it is what it is....get over it already" " I am not getting any younger ( she is 32) ...if i am going to find someone to be with forever, i need to do it now" " my needs are not being met " " I am not COMPLETELY happy anymore" And yet she still owns me - heart and soul......love is a bitter thing...it stings and it cuts you...the wounds are invisible, but leave a scar anyway..... Re-reading the quotes....I have to ask myself what am i pining away for? What are you, other than a cheater, who clearly could care less about me if you could say these things TO MY FACE....as if i wasan old friend, not your boyfriend of 6 years. You can keep you lies...your cheating...all of it. I wish i could stop loving you and rationalizing your horrible behavior. Why did you go no contact for the last 31 days? Is it your guilt? Your pride? ....or is it HIM....the one you jumped from me to....just like you did in your previous relationship when you jumped to me. He will suffer at your hand...sooner or later you will open him up, rip out his insides, destroy his heart and move on..... And i bet when you do, you will start off the breakup conversation with: " I am not in love with you anymore " " I have moved on " ...and so your pattern repeats.......and when it does, i will be over you on on with my life.
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