killer_bimbo

There was no cheating involved, and it was her who had the commitment issues. So far, so typical of a girl in her early 20s, from what I've seen reading around. The sleeping around, although making me obviously feel uncomfortable thinking about it, only really bothers me because I always thought she was someone who connected sex with love, that's the way it always with when we were together, and it feels a bit weird thinking about her having drunken one night stands, but I'm open minded enough to not look down on people who do it if that's what they want, I'm just surprised that she would want it. She's always insisted that she didn't want me as a bofriend, and didn't want anybody as a boyfriend, and that's kind of backed up by the way she is right now, living an inherently temporary lifestyle on a cruise ship (before which, she was thinking of moving away to the opposite side of the country with nobody there she knows for a while, just cos she liked it there), casual sex with people from what I've heard, she has no intention to be with. I've always got the impression she's exploring who she is. Doesn't really help me, though. Yes, I've tried dating others, and it hasn't really worked out, and I'm not putting my life on hold waiting for her, but at the end of the day, I still love her, and it feels like there will always be that level of love for her, whether we're in each other's lives or not. My instinct kind of tells me that she prolly does still love me, and there prolly is still the chemistry there, but she doesn't want to persue that or even think it, as she's still in this stage of her life where she's exploring who she is, and so it's more in her interest to believe there is nothing and never will be nothing to make things easier for her, as I've written, she's definitely the type that puts any difficult feelings in a box and pushes them away as far from her life as possible. But then, I don't know if that's just what I want to believe. She's always refused to talk about us breaking up further than "I just didn't want to be committed anymore", and wouldn't mention to her parents that we see each other quite often, saying that she didn't want them asking questions. Again, instincts telling me she decided what she feels when we broke up, and is a bit scared to look deeper and question things just in case what she finds out upsets what she actually wants right now, but again, I don't know whether that's the way things seem or the way things I'd like them to be. I know that at least right now she doesn't want me, but I've always felt that I truly love her, and I'd really love to find out if things would work out now that we've both grown a bit more. There will always be something inside me that would want to see how we work out now as a couple, as the relationship was amazing, and seemed to only end because we met too early, and we're at different stages in our lives

Thank you for the advice, though I was more looking for someone who might have been able to explain her actions from the perspective of someone who has done the same kinds of things, rather than just straight advice

A little background, I was with my ex for 3 1/2 years, she split with me over commitment issues, she wanted to go out with her friends more, go travelling, etc, and wanted to be on her own. This was a year and a half ago. After 4 months of no contact, we started seeing each other again, as a "see what happens" kind of deal, then as just friends (again, her choice). She's now on a cruise ship, for at least 6 months, so we can't see or talk to each other, she's been gone for about 3 weeks. In the past year or so of seeing each other, I found myself loving her in the same way again. Whether I lied to myself about it in the past or the feelings have just come back I don't know, but that's neither here nor there. Recently I tried to talk to her about maybe getting back together, there seemed to be so much chemistry between us still, what, with anyone else, I would consider to be really positive body language. She denies that there is any chemistry between us, and says she hasn't noticed me acting anything other than just a friend, which seems a little odd as I've always been worried that I'm maybe a bit more physical with her than I should. I'm confused as to whether to trust my instincts which say there is somethnig special between us, even though I know they're biased by my feelings for her, or to trust what she says, knowing she's definitely the type to hide her feelings from herself, and that she's still in her no commitment to anything or anyone phase. There's lots of things that seem to be between us that, if it was anyone else, I would see as signs of something more than friends, always standing right up close to each other, quite touchy feely, affectionate, still calling each other our old pet names, that kind of thing. Though I know that she is in a different phase of her life right now, I've always had the attitude that if the time was right for both of us, we could get back together, as the chemistry would always be there. Recently I've discovered some other things that have made me question whether I really know her at all. She's always acted completely different with me than she has with her friends, her voice is different, the way she acts is different, it's like a different person. She still says I know her better than anyone else, as we spent 3 years in a very close relationship, but I'm not sure. I've since found out from other people that she's having a lot of casual sex, not really caring who it's with, which really shocked me, because it really isn't the person I thought I knew, and though it obviously hurts to know, I know I have no right to expect her not to. The thing that hurts the most is to feel like the person I knew has gone, or seems to have, except that when when we spend time together, she's still the same person as she's always been. It's like she's one person with me and another with her friends, and I don't know which person she really is. I also found out today that although she hasn't answered the one email I've sent her asking how she is, since she's been away for a month, she's answered all the mails from other people that she's received. I get so many mixed signals from her, not only with her saying one thing but seeming to act another, but it's like while we're actually spending time together things are great and affectionate, we hug each other goodbye, a couple of times that we've had arguments she's been really concerned about us both making up, always asking me to text her to say I've driven home safely and just general affection and best friend type stuff, yet the times we're not together, she acts like she doesn't want to know me, will usually only phone me just before she goes to bed, and so we only talk for 5 minutes and generally pushes me out of her life. I don't really know what to think, and don't know how to approach things when she comes back. Maybe I'm a fool, but I genuinely don't think she's trying to play around with me, but other than that, I don't really know what's happening in her head. I've tried talking to her about it, but she clams up, or doesn't even seem concerned if I am in her life or not, yet other times she acts like I'm the most important special person in her life, and she wants me to always be there, she still thinks about me and still occasionaly thinks about the relationship, yet doesn't want to get back together. Any women here who have acted in similar ways in their early 20s who can help me to understand what's going through her head at the moment. It's still hard for me to understand why she finished what was a very happy relationship (there was never any suggestion from her, even now, that things were anything other than perfect, and that we weren't right for each other, and though I've met other people since, nothing to compare to what I felt and still feel for her), I've always felt like when she finally does calm down and grow up (she's 21 now, and is quite immature for her age), that she's going to regret throwing things away. Anyway, I'm just venting, so I'll stop now

Have you actually given much thought to how he might feel with you playing games with him? If he tells you he loves you, it's probably best to leave him well alone sexually, and from what you've been writing, it doesn't seem like you'd be able to keep your feelings in check. You start having sex with each other again and I assure you things will get messy, people will get hurt and confused, and you'll probably end up hating each other in the end

Righty, my girlfriend split up with me a little over a year ago, she basically didn't want to be committed to anyone anymore. We went out for 3 and a half years from when she was 16-19, and I was 19-23, and things were always good, even towards the end. We split up on good terms, there was no bitterness and anger on either part, and after about 4 months we started talking and seeing each other again, though I made it clear that I still had feelings for her and that I wanted to be more than friends. We kind of tried to get back together, and things seemed to be going well, but I always had the feeling she was holding back and not really letting herself go, and sure enough, after a couple of months, she said that things weren't really working, that she didn't want a relationship, not with me or anyone else, so we decided to see each other just as friends. Though things were a bit awkward at first, over the past 4 or so months we've become really close again, we phone or text each other most days, and see each other reasonably regularly (She lives 80 miles away, so it's hard to meet up). The problem is the nature of our relationship. She has made it clear that she doesn't want to get back with me, but knows that I want us to be together again, and that I still love her, not in quite the same way as I used to (I'd have prolly gone mad by now if I felt the same way as I did a couple of months after the break), but in a way that I know I still love her deeply and in a more than just special close friend way. She says she loves me, but not in the same way as she used to. When asked if she thinks of me as just a friend, she says that we're special, because we know each other more than anyone else does, and that we've shared over 3 years of being completely in love. When we are together, things are a bit weird. I've always felt that we almost act as if we're back together. With friends, especially female friends, there's always a bit of distance, respecting each other's personal space and that kind of thing, but with us that goes out of the window, most of the time we're together we're standing or sitting right up against each other. There's always lots of playful poking and touching and things, and she's often doing things like pretending to fall asleep against my shoulder when we're sitting next to each other or pretending to fall backwards slightly when I'm standing right behind her, so she's resting up against me. We always hug when we go home from meeting up, she always calls me by the affectionate name she called me when we were together, and just lots of general signs of affection, when, with everybody else, neither of us are especially touchy feely type people, just with each other. When I've said to her that we seem to be starting to cross boundries between friendship and something more, she's said she's not really thought about it, and she doesn't know if we are. She's having an interview to work on a cruise ship for 3 months this week, and although I'll really miss her when she's gone, I'm happy for her because it's something she really wants to do, but at the moment her whole life seems to be about avoiding any ties and commitments to anything. Before the cruise ship, she wanted to move to the north of the country (this is england, so no big distances involved) seemingly just because she couldn't think of anything better to do, with the idea of packing up and moving again as soon as she got bored with things there, and so on. She's specifically said she doesn't want any relationship with anyone, and hasn't been with anyone since we've split up. I always get the impression that our relationship is dictated more by her wanting this complete freedom than by what feelings are actually between us, which is frustrating, there seems to be chemistry between us that isn't there with anyone else I've known or met. I love this girl from somewhere deep inside, so I don't think taking a break from each other is really going to make all the chemistry, affection, and thereforeeee me wanting to be more than friends go away, and I doubt setting limits that we will act just as we do with other friends will work, we've tried it, and we just drifted back to the way we naturally work together. I'm just very confused at pretending to be just friends when it doesn't feel like just friends, and the reasons for us being just friends seem less and less clear as time goes on. Anyone got any kind of objective insights into what's going on here?

Some people don't realise the changing nature of love. When you first meet someone, it's exciting, intense, passionate, whatever, then that calms down, and turns into something different, that comforting, soulmate type thing. The passion and physical attraction is still there, but it's not the driving force of the relationship. The relationship with your old boyfriend had matured to this stage. It seems to me your acting on the desire for the new relationship feeling. The problem being that after a few months, no matter who you're with, that feeling will fade. Will you find yourself attracted to another new person to get this new relationship feeling? You need to look inside yourself and find out whether you could lose your old boyfriend completely (if you havn't already, he might have found someone new, or may not want anything to do with you anymore), and whether your feelings for this new man are just because you want a fresh new relationship feeling or if it is something deeper.

If a girl uses an electric shaver for shaving down there, I'd expect she'd lose interest in actually shaving pretty quickly

It's very common. Even if someone's truly in love, they can still be attracted to other people. People often don't appreciate the changing nature of love, and that can lead to confusion as to whether the person is truly in love or not, as it doesn't feel the same after a year or two. As for if it lasts, there's as many cases of people regretting it for years and years afterwards as there are people who find a new long lasting love

If she wants time away, then you'll only push her further away if you keep trying to bring her back. What you need to to is get over her slightly. Not in the way that your ready to see other people, but in that it not being quite so painful to spend time away from each other, get to the point where you don't need her to be in your day to day life, but still want her to be. It seems that she loves you, but needs to separate herself from a lot of the issues of the relationship, then start again. You've thought about the problems you contibuted to the relationship, and she's probably thought about hers, and you've both probably learnt from that, and it's now time to let it all go for a couple of months, just go out, have fun, spend a little time growing apart from your fiancee. Then, after a time, you'll both come back to each other feeling fresh away from the relationship, and you'll be ready to start dating again, start completely from scratch, like you did when you first met, and build things up again like you would have when you first met. The very same thing has happened to me, and I'm currently in the dating again stage. It's fun, all the fun and excitement of starting a new relationship, but with someone who I've loved for over 3 years beforehand. As for how you should contact her, yes, it's probably best to wait for her to contact you when she wants to, maybe ask her if that is what she wants, and maybe you could send the odd text every few weeks if she hasn't contacted you, or just a friendly phone call, but when you do have contact, try to only be friendly, rather than trying to talk about the issues that are going on. There's plenty of time to talk about all that, and for now, it's probably best to leave that all behind, and just remind each other why you fell in love in the first place

I think it's probably quite normal for many young people in long term relationships to feel like that. You have to weigh up how much you want to date around and how much you want this man in your life, the attraction, if it was there in the start, can be worked on, and you can get it back. As for the social aspects you feel you've missed out on, maybe try to get around the fact that you feel guilty about talking to men and feeling bad about flirting. Flirting is fun, and I don't think it's cheating as long as it stops at that. It's a bit out of order if you do it when your out with your boyfriend, but if your out on your own, flirting is no problem. As for sorting things out with your boyfriend, try to do things together that you used to do when you first started going out, go out on romantic dates, take each other out for dinner, have nice sensual nights in, that type of thing

Well, men have wet dreams, and I don't think there's any touching involved there. Not really the same thing, as it's involuntry, and you coulndn't do it if you actually tried, but there you go

bitter?

I understand that it's kind of gradually put your whole hand inside a woman, then basically she'll really feel even the slightest move of a muscle, because she is more full than she will ever be, besides childbirth. As for if women like it, it's one of the more extreme sexual acts, so I doubt it's for anyone but the most adventurous. Not the kind of thing to do on a one night stand. I'm sure some girls enjoy it, though, otherwise nobody would ever do it

You won't need to tell them, they should be aware that, as you've been with someone for 5 months, that you've prolly gone a lot further than just kissing and holding hands. You'll prolly get one of them have a quiet word in your ear about staying safe, but that's usually it. It's quite the same thing as your attitude to your parent's sex life. You know that they do it, but would rather not think about it.

Yeah, don't drink and smoke to try to impress him. If he's really interested in you, it's quite a turn off to have a silly drunk girl being annoying, and if he's not really interested in you too much, but is attracted to you, he might try to take advantage of the situation with your inhibitions down