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ShySoul

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ShySoul last won the day on March 9

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  • Birthday 02/01/1983

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  1. Exactly. You have a nice way of way of getting to the core of the issue rainbows. šŸ˜€ Whatever the relationship/situation/whatever it was before, things are clearly different now. She has deeper feelings. So the question is how they address it going forward. Personally, I think it's best to work together and tackle things head on as they come up. That's really the only way to handle any problem. Don't stress yourself or worry too much, that won't help anything. Do what you can to get through things together, but recognize that it takes both parties and that he simple might not be ready for the commitment.
  2. Which is my point. The point of being nice nothing more then to be nice. It's being kind and respectful to be kind and respectful. It's helping others just to help others and because you don't want to see them struggle. The motive is not gaining approval or being a martyr. Yes, there are some people who will do this. There are some people who will weaponize being nice. Just as there are some people who will weaponize any characteristic, quality, or topic. The incel types disguest me, because they have seemingly poisoned a "nice" word in "nice." But these people aren't actually nice to begin with. The true nice people just want to help others however they can. Batya, we've clearly had very different experiences. Clearly, you're way works for you as my way works for me. In my experience, I've seen people absolutely beat themseleves up because they were told they were too nice. In reality, that had nothing to do with anything and it was just a convenient excuse for a situation that wasn't suppose to be. That actually hurt their confidence more. And it's not like a person who is naturally "nice" can just stop being that way. So I started to build up their confidence by pointing out all the great qualties they have and how being nice is a good thing that many people do indeed look for. That helped cheer them up, gave them the boost in confidence they needed, and their own natural strengths carried them the rest of the way. It's also essentially what one woman did for me, telling me something along the lines of "Girls do go for a nice guys and you are a nice guy. Don't ever change." She was one of the smartest, sweetest people I've ever known. So if she thinks it, who am I to argue? šŸ˜
  3. Being the supportive friend who let a girl work out her feelings for someone else while I listened, actually helped me once as it showed the girl I resepected her enough to give her the time to make her decision and do what was best for her. It also worked the other way when I was the one hung up on a girl and a friend who had feelings for me tried to help me threw it. It showed me how much she must have cared about me if she was willing to put her feelings aside to help me get what I thought I wanted. In the end, it helped me to see she was the far better (and nicer) choice. Armyguy, just keep being you. Eventually you're luck will turn around and you probably won't be able to stop women from being into you. And don't worry about baldness. If my balding, overweight father could get married (twice), there is hope for anyone. šŸ˜‰
  4. I have been criticized and characterized for being nice. And I have seen otherwise good people change their behavior because they were were assumed to be something they weren't simply because they acted nice. So I will always stand up for nice people and emphasize that being nice is a good thing and something to be proud of. Again, in a harsh world, I think we can all use a little more niceness. What some women mean. That's also based on their own opinions, beliefs, experiences, etc. Other women will have a completely different take. In my expereince, women have always used nice as a compliment. Yes, there are plenty of other factors and it isn't solely about being nice. But nice is usually in their somewhere. I think the difference is between what a word actually means, and the connotations people give to a word. If you choose to say nice in a way that refers to or indicates something else, then you're giving it a different meaning then what it actually is. If you assume, as was indicated previously, that nice people don't stand up for themselves, then you are using nice incorrectly. Perception shapes reality. If you choose to believe nice means something other then kind and respectful, then that's where your mind really automatically jump to when you hear the word. I prefer to take out the negative stigmas attached to words like "nice" or "shy" and turn them into something more positive and uplifting. Really, it's all about just being proud of who you are. If you are a "nice guy" or "nice girl," embrace it. Go with it. Be proud of it. You are who you are and the right person will love you all the more for it.
  5. Being married is about sharing each others lives. It's about opening yourself to the other person, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It's good times and poor, sickness and health, etc. Keeping secrets and huge areas of your life (such as family) hidden from a person is not the sign of a healthy relationship. At the very least, he should be willing to discuss why this is such an important rule for him. To blindly dismiss it is, in essence, a dismissal of you and your feelings and that is not fair. There might be a good reason he wants to keep things separate, something serious might have happened in the past. But if he never tells you about it, how can you ever hope to understand? If anything, a discussion would stand to bring the two of you closer together and help see each other more fully. You would think that would be something he would want in the relationship?
  6. Funny thing about a crush is that everyone says it stinks and they won't do it again. Then they do it again. Why? Because it's not something we always have control over. The heart goes where the heart goes. I didn't choose to have feelings for any of the people I've had feelings for. Something within them triggered that emotional response for me. And something within someone will one day trigger something for you too. That doesn't have to be a bad thing. The key is learning to handle the tidal wave of feelings that come with a crush. It's knowing when to take the chance for something more, and learning to be okay if it doesn't pan out like you hope.
  7. Geez, I feel bad for you. You've been stuck between a rock and a hard place for over a year. I wouldn't see the girl. A "normal" relationship in high school does not need to include sex, sexting, or staying up to the early hours of the morning. Regardless of what she thinks of your parents, she should have understood that they are still your parents and that as long as you are under their roof, there are certain rules that have to be respected. A good relationship would have found ways to work within the limitations provided, demonstrating that she was someone you're parents could trust. Her actions (and yours to be fair) only made things worse and served to show your parents they couldn't trust you and needed to take more drastic actions. Then she got way to demanding with you. You aren't even out of high school. Talk of being rich with a $600k home is a bit premature. Between the emotional issues and Henry, she seems to have a lot of growing up to do on her end. Try not to let her drag you down. As for your parents, they are also being too controlling. Reading a private journal, logging into your accounts, those are disrespectful actions. Unfortunately, until you can get yourself settled somewhere else, it's a lot harder to avoid parents. The top priority is you. If you want to go to this school, then make that the top concern. See about scholarships or financial aid. Create a proposal/presentation about why this school is the best fit for whatever career you are interested in. If presented with all the ways this school is best for your future, most parents would be okay with supporting it. And if they aren't, then weigh your options. What will be more beneficial for your well being? You have to be happy in your life with your decisions, not making choices because others think it's best. If you won't be happy at the other school, don't go. Maybe you might have to work and do school part time to help pay for it. There are any number of options. So pick what you feel will be best for you.
  8. People who feel the need to resort to name calling of that type are usually doing one thing... projecting. Deep down they know they are the screwed up one who is doing hurtful things so they have to justify their behavior by claiming everyone is like that. It may not seem like it now, but he will end up worse from this then you. You will hurt and grieve. You will realize you made a mistake and grow from it. Eventually you will heal and move onto something greater, a real love and real relationship. He will remain stuck in the same cycle of unfilling interactions. He'll never know what real love and intimacy is unless he can change his attitude and his ways. He's actually a very sad, pitiful creature that isn't worth the tears you've probably spent on him. And as a male who has never cheated, I think I can call that line a total lie. He will be so tempted by you that he will sleep with any other woman who is not you? Including ones who are married? That's blaming you for his issue (and is also just complete nonsense). Also note where he places the importance - money and endowment. Again, projection. This is all about him and his insecurities, not you. The only thing you did was to allow yourself to be caught up in a fantasy of what you thought he was. You are not the first person to do this, won't be the last. You're not the first or last with this guy. That doesn't make you a bad person, that doesn't mean you were wrong to feel what you felt. It's human nature to want to feel connected to someone, to try to see the good in them. And I'm sure he is very good at displaying some good qualities to get people to stick around. Use this as a lesson. FWB/casusal sex situations rarely ever work because sex, by it's very nature, isn't casual. Sex is an emotionally charged act. There are bound to be feelings involved, a connection that grows. Usually in these arrangements those feelings are one sided and that person ends up hurt when their feelings aren't returned. So it's best just to not get involved in them in the first place. Save your love, and your body, for someone who will show you the proper respect in waiting until you are committed to each other. Your heart will thank you. And the sex will probably be a lot better as well. As good as it might be normally, when it's between two people in love and in a committed relationship... watch out! šŸ˜‰
  9. Depends on the woman. That I've been shy and non-assertive has actually gotten compliments from a good number of ladies. The girl mentioned above felt safe and comfortable with me, knowing I wasn't going to try for anything she wasn't comfortable with herself, a problem she had encountered with some of the more assertive guys. Basically, just be who you are. There's someone out there who likes any quality, and someone else who will not like it. So be you and you'll eventually attract someone who likes those same features.
  10. Darrin, I don't think you've been friendzoned or that the issue is anything you did or didn't do to get her interested. I think you've simply wanted to see something in this that was simply not there. It sounds like her ex messed with her in some way and she wasn't ready to have any relationship. It could have been any guy she meet, at that point they wouldn't have gotten any further then you did. She was honest and up front about it, saying at this point she needed a friend. That you've been a friend is a great thing. I once was talking to a girl who had an ex come back into her life and wanted to get back with her. She had never fully gotten over him. People told me I was friendzoned, that if she wanted to be with me, she would forget the other guy and wouldn't be mentioning him. I didn't listen to them. I knew the mature thing to do was to listen to her. She said she needed a friend, so I was a friend. The other guy pushed and wasn't a friend. She soon realized it and dropped him. And I, the supportive friend, is the one who she choose. The important thing is to listen to her and trust her. If she is telling you that she doesn't want a relationship at this point in time, believe her. You can still be friends. You can still have fun together. The future could be anything. But respect her enough not to pursue something that she doesn't seem to be feeling.
  11. It's interesting to me how much stock people place into the opinions of others over trusting their own instincts. These family and friends weren't doing the talking with him or going on the date with him. They can't say for certain what he is thinking. A group of random people online who have never met him likewise can't know how interested he was or is. Any outside commentary is going to be filtered through the personal experiences and biases that the commentator brings with them. The one person who has interacted with him regularly and is best situatied to understand his behavior, is you. So do you trust him? Do you believe that this is a matter of timing and that right now is simply not a good time for him? If you do nothing is wrong with that. Likewise, if you sense deception, trust those feelings. The reality is we don't know where his head is at, only he does. So trying to figure it out is a waste of time. The key is to focus on what is best for you. You can "move on" if you feel like it. You can leave the door open for a friendship and possibly more. You can talk to other people and see if there is someone else. Or you can just focus on being happy with you and having fun on your own. It's really all about being who you are and being happy in your own life.
  12. Unless he has given you some kind of indication that he is not interested or is making an excuse, then take him at his word. Life can be busy and complicated. It's entirely possibly that he does want to spend more time with you, this just isn't the best timing with whatever else is going on in his life. Honestly, it sounds like you two have been very mature and respectful in your communications, each being understanding and not pushing the other. Keep doing what you are doing and following your gut. What other people think is going on with him is their opinion, it may be completely off. As far as moving on, its really not a black or white question. How do you feel? How much did you like him and are you ready to move on? If there wasn't much attachment, you might be able to put those feelings aside. But if they had started to really grow, then it's not that easy to just say forget him and move on. So go at whatever pace you are comfortable with. If you need to take some time or hold onto some hope, do so. The main thing is to do what feels right for you.
  13. A situationship is still a kind relationship. Regardless of what stage they are at, what you want to call it, or how things started, same thinking applies. She has feelings that have grown into wanting more, while he remains unsure. His feelings are understandable as that is a big commitment to make. I'm not seeing anything that says he is completely against the idea, just that he has doubts. So if she wants to see if this could still work out, they need to take things as they come, working together through whatever fears or doubts he might have. There's no guarantee it will work, but it certainly won't if they don't give it a shot. Halle, you know your relationship best. If you think it's worth fighting for, then fight for it. Enjoy the time you spend together. Try to calm whatever reservations he might have. But also recognize that he might not be ready for this and thats okay too. Things tend to work out for the best. If you end up with him or not, you'll be okay. And that wonderful child will still fill your life with love. So go with your heart and don't stress yourself out too much.
  14. Being in a relationship with a single mother does entail extra commitment. It's letting at least two people into your life instead of the usual one. There are added concerns and risks for all parties involved. So it's natural that someone may pause before deciding if they are ready for that. But reservations aren't a guarantee in either direction. It simply means he is thinking it over. You can't make the decision for him, he will have to make it on his own. All you can do is continue the relationship you've started, trying to make it as enjoyable for both of you as you can. If he has concerns, talk it over. Let him know what you would expect or what he might be imagining. Has he actually spent time with the child? Try not to stress and let things develop at it's own pace. He may decide he's not ready for it. Or he might see the many wonderful joys having a child in your life can bring. Either way, that decision will come in time. For know, just enjoy what you have. And always remember, the child comes first.
  15. If you have to get a person back, it raises the question if they were ever really yours in the first place. Relationships are not won in a grand or last minute gesture. They are the accumulation of each moment, each act while together. There will be good moments, there will be bad moments. At the end of the day, the hope is that the good outweights the bad. But sometimes, no matter what you do, it's not enough. Both sides need to be willing to put in the time and effort to make it work. Once one side is out, take them at their word and believe it. The question you should be asking is what will best help you heal? Do you still want her in your life, even if it's not in the romantic way you hope? If you do, then you have to try to simply be a friend. Go for a hike with her not as a way of winning her back or with some kind of motive, but simply to take an interest in something she enjoys. Good lesson for the future. While it's great to want to work to support a family, it's important to not lose sight of the moments. Life is a balance of work and play. You can't focus so much on the fun that you struggle to put food on the table. But if you focus entirely on the work, you aren't there for the person you are doing it all for and risk losing them. Relationships need compromise, time for work and play. But in the end, I've never regretted spending a little more if it put a smile on her face.
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