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loxy37

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About loxy37

  • Birthday 03/07/1980

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  1. Today is day 31 and I thought that I was doing better but then that strange feeling of hopelessness crawled up in me again. I can't seem to shake this feeling off. I know that you were no good for me but why do I still feel confused? My mind says "move on, let go, screw him, he never loved you" while my heart says the complete opposite. I thought that you would've tried to reach out to me by now but you haven't and I seriously don't think that you will. Why do I care? I'm still torn to pieces inside and I don't know whether I should scream or cry. I'm trying to think positive here by writing down my feelings, venting out loud, and reading books. Am I lying to myself here? I just have so many questions that I know I will never get answers to. Why did you tear me to teeny, tiny pieces of broken glass?
  2. It all started on 10/10/05 when I first picked up the phone & heard your voice. You were a recruiter at the time trying to get me to leave my current firm for another. After a few phone calls/emails, you asked me for my number. We then decided to meet up in person. I admit, I didn't think that you were "all that" but your personality was exactly like mine. Then the BS started; I bought you something small for Christmas that year, just a business card holder, nothing fancy. How did I know then that the gift was going to be the beginning of me paying for EVERYTHING. Every time you put on any piece of clothing, it's me. All of your shirts, sweaters, coats, jackets, pants, jeans, sneakers, shoes, boots, ties, pocket squares, suits, cuff links, socks, belts, watches, hats, it's all me. Every time you play your Xbox on that fancy TV, it's me. Every time you watch TV in bed w/someone else, it's me. Every time you get out of the shower & dry yourself off, it's me. Every time you roll around in your sheets w/someone else, it's me. Every time you walk into your 2nd bedroom, it's me. I helped you paint it & you chose the color purple because you said that it was MY favorite color. Every time you read a book in your house, it's me. Every time you set your keys down on your kitchen table, it's me. Every time you open your garage & ride your scooter to work, it's me. Every time you walk into your closet, it's me. I helped you build it together, I even bought you some of the pieces. Your first trip to Cancun, it's me. Your first trip to the Riviera Maya, it's me. I paid for every single vacation: Cancun 2006, Acapulco 2006, Orlando 2007, Huatulco 2007, Puerto Vallarta 2008, Riviera Maya 2009, Dominican Republic 2009, Cancun 2010, Cayman Islands 2011. I turned you onto some of your favorite pizza, Mexican & Italian spots. I paid for every single visit to any restaurant. As I write all of this & see it on paper, it saddens me that I spent hundred's of thousands of dollars on you. I declared BANKRUPTCY because of you. If I could see you right now, at this very moment, I would slap you. I would slap you so hard that your face would literally bleed. You never gave a damn about me. *In 6 years I never met a single friend. *In 6 years I never went to a family event. *In 6 years we went out on Fridays/Saturdays twice. *In 6 years I only met your parents once & that was by accident. *In 6 years you never told me that your father owned a restaurant...I found out on a local Chicago show about local restaurants. *In 6 years you never once had any intentions of committing to me. In 6 years you always dated/slept with other women. *In 6 years you always told me that you couldn't receive texts on your phone yet I would see you text other people. *In 6 years I believed your every lie: oh I'm meeting so & so, oh I have dinner plans, oh I'll call you back, oh I'll let you know about this weekend. I always knew that you were running game on me. Why didn't I leave? Why didn't you just let me go? Why didn't you just admit to me that you were lying to my face on a daily basis? Why couldn't you just tell me the truth, that you used me? The truth, the damn truth, that's all I wanted. Why couldn't you just say "L, I was wrong, I lied to you, I lied to you about everything. I never loved you. You were never my best friend like I said you were. I've been sleeping with X,Y,Z. Your sister & my sister were right about me, I am a dog. I only used you for the gifts & the vacations. I only used you because I knew that you would always be there for me no matter what. No matter how many times I wasn't there for you, I always knew that you would always be there for me." I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I curse the day you were born. I curse the day that I met you. You're a lying sack of garbage. I wish I never met you. You ruined me. Because of you I no longer trust me. Because of you I can no longer do nice things for people because I'm afraid that they're just using me. Because of you I'm afraid to let anyone in. You used my sickness to your advantage you sick bastard. Everything that ever came out of your mouth was a damn lie...EVERYTHING! I know that many times I have told you to f'off but a week goes by & I break down & call you. You're used me to calling you, begging you, pleading with you. What the hell do you care as you have nothing to lose. That's why you never left me, you had it so good. You figured that all you had to do was call me "babe" once in a while, gently hold my hand, kiss me softly at times & that I would quickly forget the loser that you are. You were right, that's all it took. But not anymore...Yes I told you to f'off on 9/6/11 & did not contact you at all. Did you ever contact me? No. Did you ever reach out to me to apologize? No. Why? You have no soul or heart. Cold blood runs through your veins. Yes I broke my own NC rule on 9/19/11 because it was your stupid birthday so I left you a voice mail at work & sent you an email there too. Oh but the next day you decide to reach out because you needed a damn ride home from work because you were in Cancun "with friends" over the weekend. Sure you were. Just like you were in Miami last month "with friends." You're so full of **** that I want to give you toilet paper to wipe your mouth clean. On 9/20/11 I saw you for the last time. You gave me my dry cleaning that you were holding hostage & then said "talk to you later." I knew it was goodbye. I said "no I won't. This is it." So after EVERYTHING that's happened during these last 6 years, what are your last words to me? "Don't be a stranger." * * * does that mean coming from you? That's it? After 6 years that's all you say to me? You're a coward. You're not a man. You were never going to admit to any of your wrong-doing. You're a jerk. Again I started w/my NC only to break it on 9/24/11 by sending you a nasty email of all places, at the mall. You ruined my happy time at the mall as I walked by the men's section on my way to the shoe department at Nordstrom & there they were, jeans I had bought you once. ARGH THEN I started w/my NC only to break it once more on 9/27/11 by sending you another nasty email when I found out a bunch of stuff about you & your dad's restaurant on yelp. "Oh our server CRUZ was so cute & those dimples..." Give me a break. There should be a sign on the front door warning women about you: ATTENTION ALL LADIES OF CHICAGO: CRUZ WILL WALK ALL OVER YOU, SUCK YOUR CHECKING ACCOUNT DRY, WHISPER SWEET NOTHINGS TO YOU, WILL FILL YOU UP WITH FALSE HOPE, WILL CONSISTENTLY LIE TO YOUR FACE, WILL DATE/SLEEP WITH SEVERAL WOMEN AT THE SAME TIME AS HE IS WITH YOU, WILL ALWAYS GIVE YOU THE RUN-AROUND, WILL NEVER COMMIT TO YOU, WILL NEVER GO OUT WITH YOU ON THE WEEKENDS BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN HE GOES OUT TO MEET OTHER WOMEN, WILL NEVER INTRODUCE YOU TO HIS FRIENDS/FAMILY BECAUSE HE'S PROBABLY INTRODUCING THE OTHER WOMEN TO THEM, WILL DRAG YOU THROUGH THE MUD. LADIES, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. DON'T LET THE CHARM OR THE NICE CARTIER WATCH ON HIS WRIST FOOL YOU. EVERYTHING THAT HE OWNS WAS BOUGHT BY A SINGLE WOMAN WHO IS NOW PAYING THE PRICE DEARLY. FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, STAY AWAY & IF YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE ALREADY MET HIM, RUN! RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION! Today is day 7; no email from you, no call from you. I haven't contacted you either & I don't plan on it. Nothing will ever change with you. It would take GOD him/herself to come down from the heavens, hit you on head & change you. A miracle, nonetheless. I hate what you've done to me, what you've made me become. You made me an angrier & more depressed person than I already was. You've managed to give me daily panic attacks. You will get yours as karma will always remember you, always. You are one man that will not get away with this. You will pay for what you have done to me & others. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If I have offended anyone with my choice of words, sorry but that's just how I'm feeling right now, at this very moment.
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