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northernlights

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  • Birthday 09/30/1985

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  1. So here's a different sort of advice that I'm seeking. How do I "kill" feelings that I have for a girl that I have no future with? I told her a few weeks ago that I liked her, and she rejected me, but in the nicest possible way. We're still friends and there's nothing awkward, except that I'm still crazy about her. I see her practically every day, since we share friends in common and are involved in a community service program. Everytime I see her and know she doesn't like me in that way, a part of me dies. I hate to sound all emo, but that's really how it feels. So please help me get rid of my feelings for this girl, without killing the friendship I have with her!
  2. If your friend has been feeling "high" after not eating/losing weight, she is starting to associate weight loss with a feeling of control or power. She's starting to see things in black and white, good and bad. Weight loss is good, food is bad. She may not be officially anorexic yet, but I would say she has an eating disorder non specified. You are a good friend to notice these things and to worry, but the sad thing is, you can't help someone with an eating disorder if they don't want help first. I know it's hard to hear that, but I've seen friends who have had eating disorders, and personally battled with one too. No matter what people tell an anorexic, if she can't see there's a problem, she won't try to change. Saying that, you CAN still help. You need to help your friend realize there's a problem. I also recommend that you get the help of a counselor, who can help you confront your friend or who can help confront your friend. Also, remember to reaffirm your friend that you care for her no matter how she acts or how she looks. And if she talks about weight, DON'T indulge her. If she talks about how fat she feels, don't go "oh no, you're so skinny!" just change the subject. If she talks about how little she ate or how much weight she lost, change the subject. I know it sounds strange to not negate everything she says about her unhealthy weight loss habits, but anorexics often like it when people say things like "no, you're actually really skinny" and "no, you ate nothing at all!" It's a reaffirmation in their minds that they're doing something right by not eating. Good luck.
  3. Too hard to want Self, want what is same. Reflection there dripping in glass pane. Eyes and ears 'round Blind, deaf to my shame, While self rejects Mirror image. Floating names. Playing games. In here I touch But glass feels cold. Out, fingers bound and feet perform, jagged Pieces on the ground.
  4. GAH. I need some advice here from more experienced, more level headed people on the matter. The gal I've been crushing on (we go to the same university) for a few weeks came and made the first "move" today by talking to me casually. Very casually, we didn't even exchange names. I was at the campujs pub with my friends and she was with hers. But there was definite flirting going on there. We're both openly gay too. Unfortunately, I've never flirted with a woman before. I've only recently come to terms with my sexuality and only recently came out of the closet. I acted like a high school girl, giggling and stealing glances while dragging my friends off to obviously talk to her. Or standing near her or dancing near her but never initiating conversation. She opened the way so I knew I had to respond and initiate it the second time, but I'm such a dork when it comes to flirting. Basically, tell me I didn't blow it. I knew she was interested in me before. She's given me "the eye" plenty of times. She talked to me. But I didn't respond, I just did the whole high school crush act. I feel like the biggest idiot in the world and I'm worried she thinks I'm a huge dork who can't flirt or be smooth and that she's lost interest. I don't know for sure, but she looks like the very "cool," "smooth" kind of person. And one who probably has flirted with others before. There will be party tomorrow that I'm pretty sure she'll be at. I want to initiate things then...get to know her more...but I'm so worried I'll look like a dork again. AWKWARD.
  5. I think what he said about not wanting to watch porn because he has you is really sweet. And I agree...if you two have got a really close relationship and you've been pushing him to watch porn and he hasn't, I don't think he's lying. You've got yourself a catch there. And true, not every guy likes to watch porn. Some think it's fake and not arousing. I've definitely met perfectly normal, testoterone-driven straight men who have found porn to be weird or degrading to women.
  6. Well, I'll bleach my butt if others here take it on too! Just...there's a way to undo it, right? I don't want a heart-shape on my butt forever. We should do experiments using weird gyno-trends and then write about them here. Like those hilarious pubic-hair waxing stories floating around.
  7. Haha, same here for me, Tigris. I'm pretty darn good at telling which men are gay, but I'm never that good with women, unless they're sporting the whole faux-hawk sports bra look. As for the original post, have you come out yet? Usually you can only know for sure if someone is gay if she tells you, and she probably won't tell you if she doeesn't trust you or doesn't think that you too are gay. If you're okay with it, the next time you talk to a girl you're attracted to, drop a hint that you're gay and see how she reacts. You don't have to say "hi, I'm gay. Are you?" but say something like "my ex-girlfriend likes that" or "how does your boyfriend orgirlfriend feel about that?" (then you can also see if she's single!) or "last year, I helped out in the gay organization" so on so on. Also, a lot of people don't fully accept that they're gay until around college time. I hear that's when most people who have wondered in the past really realize their sexuality and are comfortable using it as a label. As you're younger, it might be harder to find girls your age who will be open about their sexuality, especially depending on where you live and your school's culture. (In my high school, there were NO openly gay students, but a lot came out after graduating)
  8. While there's nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight you gained, please please pleaaase be healthy in doing so. I can't tell you how many friends I've had who to this day still are obsessive about everything they eat, and it's a sad sight. (I used to be like this when I was losing my "freshman fifteen" and it took a long time to get over it.) For one thing, 15 pounds in 2 to 3 weeks is just a scary amount to lose. I wouldn't aim for that at all. Nutritionists agree that a 1 to 2 pound loss a week is healthy weight loss which will STAY off. Yes, this sounds slow, but it's a life change! Slowly cut out the junk food, eat more fruit and veggies (it helps more than you can believe. It will make you too full to eat junk food) and if you drink soda, definitely cut that out or switch to diet soda. Take baby steps, cutting one thing at a time. You will probably have cravings, but if you don't give in or give in only minorly they eventually dissipate. I don't advice going cold turkey and suddenly changing your whole eating habits around, as this sets you up for binges, which will make you feel awful both physically and mentally/emotionally. My personal belief is that weight watchers works, but it's hard to stay on for life. It also can make you really obsessive about "points" (ie: calories) b/c you're forced to count them. I don't believe in calculating what I'm eating or how much I'm burning when I exercise. Can you imagine doing that for life? ("Butter on my bread, 3 points. Oh nuts, 3 points? Okay, that means 3 less points at dinner. Or maybe 1 less at lunch, 2 less for dinner? AGHH.") Hey, that's okay! Exercise is definitely something that get easier the more you do it. And if you're worn out from walking halfway (like panting, sweat dripping worn out) then you've probably worked out enough for YOUR body at this point. Eventually, your stamina will increase and you'll be able to walk the whole way before getting worn out, and then that will be enough for your body at THAT point. Just make a commitment to exercising on a routinely basis, and change your exercise up. Walk one day, bike the next, swim another, etc. Gouden Draak, you are right, I need to adjust my diet so I can get more energy and lose some weight. I am eating way too much junk food and not enough fruits and veggies. Funny thing is, I seem to be eating less healthy since I moved out here than when I was living in Wisconsin. That's freaky since so many people out here are into their looks and weight issues.
  9. The question is, is it attraction for transgender women that makes you want to be with them, or is it admiration that makes you want to be them? Two very different things, but very easy to mix up and confuse with each other. They can also both be true for you. Perhaps you like transgender women because, as you said, you want to be like them and dress like a woman. In this case, telling your wife would be important. Reassure her that just because you want to wear women's clothing doesn't make you gay (unless you also like men) and doesn't make you love her any less. After all, it's not a partner preference thing, it's a clothing/body image preference thing you have for YOURSELF. You never know...maybe your wife would be interested in a little roleplaying. Some couples do that to spice things up, where the man will dress as a woman and fulfil his fantasy. She may freak out at first, but you need to keep reassuring her that it has nothing to do with her ability to satisfy you. What if you're actually attracted to transgender women? This would be a lot harder as it hints that your wife can't satisfy you fully. Would you be able to keep living and sleeping with your wife while having these urges? How strong are they? Would dressing up relieve them, or would you have to go out and be with a transgender woman? These are important things to think about before going further with any plan of action.
  10. Nope, because no matter what a person believes, there is always, ALWAYS someone out there who will be affected and who will care. So many people say "no one will care what happens to me. I am useless," because it seems like that, but really, there will always be at least one person who cares. And that person will suffer. Two of my friends killed themselves. The first did it two years ago, the other did it two years later on the SAME DAY the first one did it. She never did get over the first one's death. In their suicide notes, they both wrote that they were doing everyone a favor by disposing of themselves. They felt they were a burden to people. They felt no one cared. They felt that no one would be hurt or notice. Guess what? Some of my friends went into depression. My college's counseling center was booked overtime for months. We erected a freakin' tree for them, and my friends still break into tears when they walk by. I have friends who used to be so confident and happy, and now they feel that there is no meaning in the world and they can't understand human nature at all. They can't understand why my two dead friends felt that no one loved them. They BLAME themselves for not showing how much they cared. They feel guilty, disgusted, shamed. Before you kill yourself, you think that no one cares. After you're dead, you can't see how much people actually do care, and the spiral of pain that occurs afterwards.
  11. Oh dear, sorry for the confusion! I forgot that some people call close female friends "girlfriends" and I just assumed that you meant girlfriend in the other way. Ooooops.
  12. The good thing is that no one your friend told cares that you're gay. So that's a great thing, and now whatever anxieties/fears you might have had about outing yourself have been resolved without you lifting a finger. You're lucky to have such great friends and parents! (of course, I understand that coming out to people is a big life experience which you might feel your friend stole from you. If this is the case, don't worry, you'll have pleeeenty of coming out experiences to go through over the course of your life. Such is our society.) The bad thing is...well, your friend. For one thing, in the future, never ever make up with this friend. She betrayed your trust once, and it sounds like she's a selfish immature person who will do it again. You want to know what to do. Don't go telling your friend's secrets to get back at her, but be the mature one. Talk to her ONCE...tell her how immature it was for her to share such a private secret with everyone. Tell her that you confided in her because you trusted her, and she betrayed your trust. If you can, try to keep a straight face when you tell her. I know it's hard, but when you don't attach emotions, such as anger or sadness, it makes you look all the stronger and it will probably make her feel all the worse. She probably wants to you to be raving mad or really sad. If she sees you as indifferent, she'll feel like a complete idiot. (at least one would hope) And then tell her you don't tolerate people who don't know how to resolve a fight/issue MATURELY, and leave. I think this is a good option and better than ignoring her or pretending nothing happened, because it gives you closure without giving her satisfaction. I have a tendency to ignore people who hurt me or pretend they never hurt me, and it just backfires in the end. Then I end up getting really angry at them, yelling at them, and they of course love it that they hurt me like they had planned. Don't give people like that the satisfaction, because you're better than that!
  13. It sounds like you are more attracted (at least sexually) to women than men, and you are using a threesome idea with your boyfriend so you can fulfill this desire while still being able to maintain a conventional, heteronormative life. But as others have said, do you want to have threesomes for the rest of your life? Do you want to be unsatisfied but date men because of your fear, and always wonder if you would be so much happier with women? Is this far for you AND your boyfriend? I know when I was in denial, I would date men but I hated doing sexual things with them. Yes, I dated attractive looking men with attractive personalities so I enjoyed spending time with them, but I realize I treated them more like they were my best friends than my boyfriends. When it came to being sexual, my heart was never in it. They could see that, and it bothered them. They thought they were bad in bed or they were bad kissers, but really, it was just because they were men. I was miserable. They were miserable. It wasn't fair. Yes, it was the easier heteronormative life to live, but it was not fun. I think that's something you should think about. Can you imagine yourself playing the straight game for the rest of your life and still be happy? As for gaydar...hah, there definitely is no clear cut way of knowing if a woman is gay. Some of them you can tell, but that's if you're attracted to the really butch types or the ones who wear rainbow pins and axe earrings or who shave their heads and have crew cuts. But even some of those women are straight too! Is there a gay community around you that you can take part in? Gay volunteer groups? Gay organizations? These are good ways to meet other gay women who want to date women. I don't think this would be good to find someone for a threesome though. If you want a threesome and nothing else, then there's probably plenty of bicurious women or adventurous women on the internet who would love to join in. But again, are you going to be doing threesomes forever just to fulfil your desires?
  14. I agree that the underwear thing was handled well. You sound like you have a great, open relationship with your son already. I could never imagine my mom asking me "would you like to be WITH her" if I was staring at a female underwear model! Also, I think the fact that he knows you have a girlfriend is a HUGE indication that he knows you will accept him no matter what his sexuality is. It's much easier for children to come out to gay parents than to straight ones, I imagine! Since he's probably at that puberty stage when he starts feeling attraction for boys or girls, give him the time to figure it out. He might not even know for sure, and he probably won't tell you unless he is sure. I think when he's ready though, he'll know you won't care from all of your own hints you've been giving him. You two seem to understand each other well. Oh, and xxxscorpioxxx...the 9 year old kid you babysat might not have reached puberty yet, so don't worry. Boys mature later than girls as we all know, and 9 is a really early age for a boy to start puberty. He might have just been curious, or fascinated, not lustful.
  15. blink_guy, A lot of people have told you to talk to her about how far she is willing to go. Have you done so? If you wait one more month, it won't change the fact taht you don't know how far she wants to go. You're her first boyfriend so she might be inexperienced in these things. That's why you need to talk. Maybe she wants to be intimate with you but is scared of not knowing how. Find out how slow or fast she wants to go. Ask her how much time she will need, but reassure her that you're not rushing her and you care about her whether she gets really intimate with you or not. And if she doesn't want your hand in her bra yet, she probably won't give you a blowjob yet. Give her time. You probably want to start with a handjob first anyway, so she can get used to what you are like down there. I don't know how experienced she is, but chances are she might not ever have seen one in person yet...in which case a blowjob is really really scary first time. I know with my first boyfriend, I was very much "what the heck? THAT's what it looks like?!" (and then I was just really curious, but definitely not ready to put it in my mouth...yet.)
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