sweetsparkle

gosh, i'm so confused now. i've never been in a situation like this before. i guess a part of me is hoping that what he said about liking me and wanting things to work out but just needing some time is all true. i'm hoping that things will get better when he is ready. but all of you seem to disagree and believe that he will never be ready to commit or have a serious relationship with me. do you have any other advice? especially on his needing space issue? our mutual friend told me that he thinks i'm pressuring him too much. he likes being with me and wants to take it one step at a time and see where it goes. but i, on the other hand, want a real relationship.

thanks for the advice. i'm not sure if i'm ready to walk away yet BUT this whole situation has got me thinking about potential problems. oh and to clarify, i've known him for about 4 years already. we met in college briefly but after graduation, we both left for different parts of the world but kept in touch via IM and email. i recently moved back to NYC and then we started seeing each other. so, yes. i know he does have commitment issues because we talked about it back in the days when we were friends. but the problem is i still like him and want to continue dating him, at least for now.

I've been dating a guy for about two months now. We got together a few months after he ended a really bad relationship. He tells me that he really likes me and is into me, but is not ready for a serious relationship yet because he just got out of a bad one and needs time. He also told me how bad he is in relationships and that his ex-gf called him "cold." So during this time, we've been casually dating, seeing each other about once a week. Well this past weekend, I started to tell him that I wanted more. I think this completely freaked him out because the next day, he didn't even bother calling me, which he usually does on a daily basis. When I finally called him, he told me that he didn't want to talk about it, that I knew how he felt and that now he needs space. It has been about 3 days since we last spoke. Now I'm scared that I lost him forever. Do you think he really just needs space or do you think this is it? What should I do?

actually, we're not broken up. we're taking time apart. and during this time we are not supposed to contact each other. and unfortunately men here in asia participate in those kinds of activities. and yes, i heard it from a mutual friend of ours who heard it from a friend who was there with my bf. i'm so confused because there's this cultural clash i'm dealing with. my friends here are telling me that it's just part of the culture and that if i want to be with him then i need to accept this. but i didn't grow up here. i grew up in the US

I have found out some things my bf is doing during our time apart. First, he is telling people that we are still together BUT we're just cooling down right now. Second, I found out that he went to Shanghai for our mutual friend's brother's wedding and stayed there for two weeks. For those of you who are not familiar with what goes on for men in Shanghai, here goes: there are several different entertainment buildings in Shanghai designed especially for the male pleasure. You can reserve rooms to up to 4 hours with your friends and do things like sing karoake, drink, etc. Once the guys get there, a head mistress comes in and asks the men what kind of girls they prefer. They can say something like 5'7, full C cups, pretty face and this head mistress brings a selection of like 30 women to choose from. And these girls are gorgeous because mind you they come from all over China and China has a billion girls who are often mixed with a little bit of Russian. Anyway, these girls join the guys and drink and play with them, sometimes clothed in lingerie or nude. So in a nutshell, my boyfriend has been doing this with his married friends in Shanghai for two weeks. I feel so betrayed! It's hard to talk to my friends who are from asia because this activity is part of the culture. I remember when I first moved to Taiwan with my boyfriend, his cousin and friends wanted to take him but I refused to let him go. We got in a huge fight because he said that if he didn't go, he would lose face with the guys. I got so mad. I let him go to strip clubs in the US occasionally but this is a whole different thing. These places have naked girls sitting next to your men talking to them and sometimes even making out with them. Sorry for this long story. I don't know what to think. My friends expect him to contact me by the end of this week but at this point, I feel so betrayed that i want to jsut give up. I feel like I don't even know him anymore. During time apart, can these things happen?

for some reason, i woke up this morning feeling very down. it's weird because lately i've been feeling stronger and happier with this whole time apart situation. but today, i feel so sad again. i miss him so much and i feel so empty. gosh, am i going back to how i was last month? i really wish he can just at least contact me to let me know how things are on his end. how he feels and thinks about us. sometimes i wonder if it does get easier because it's hard to lose someone you love.

Hi everyone. I've been away from this forum for awhile, mainly because I've been busy with a lot of things. But I thought I would give you an update about me and my situation. As you all know, I've decided to give my ex-bf more time apart that he asked for because I do believe that his life is a mess right now and he might just need this time to be alone and sort things out. However, I've been doing my own things and moving on with my life. I'm happier than I was a month ago and it feels good to know that I CAN definitely live a life without him. I still love him very much but I'm not expecting anything at this point. I also go out of my way to avoid things like checking my email account, because I know I will be sad if I don't see an email from him. I've been going out alot with friends and doing things I like. To everyone out there, it does get better. Just love yourself and take of yourself no matter what.

hi everyone. i feel better today. i finally went out with my friends last night for the first time in weeks. and i was actually enjoying my time with them. i guess what i've come to realize is that no matter how much i dwell, i will not change how he feels nor will i change my current situation. so here is what i've decided. i am not going to email him back. as princess pointed out, it's better to wait to see if he emails again and take it from there. also, because i still love him and my heart can't bear to just leave, i will give him the time he needs, BUT i will start moving on. i don't want to be the person i was last month - always crying, always checking my email, always talking to mutual friends to gauge any info on him. This month, I will focus on myself and also think whether this relationship is really right for me. i actually never sat down and thought about whether or not i wanted him. all i thought for the past month is whether he will come back to me. also, i think i made a huge mistake by talking to mutual friends. i know some of them told him that i was really sad and that i missed him alot. so, i'm going to stop all contact for now. thanks again everyone. because of all of you, i am stronger. i feel so cared for........

i spoke to several of our mutual friends and they all seem to agree that i should give him more time, given our circumstance. i'm not trying to defend him but he did stick with me through alot of hard times. we have had numerous of really bad fights but we still stayed together and tried to work it out. BUT this time he feels like it's too overwhelming and nothing has been solved. so he feels that time apart might be the answer to our problems. doesn't mean that i will give him the time he asked for. i just feel that i need to justify that he did stick with me through good and bad. my friends mentioned that my attitude needs to change in this. they said that i needed to see this in a positive light. use the time apart to better myself, which they know he is using it to do the same. if i don't change my attitude then we would never have a chance. they also say that this time apart is absolutely necessary to heal all the wounds and resentment that our past fights have caused. i know all of you are thinking for my best interest. so, please let me know what you think of what they say? any differing opinions. i have not replied to his email, and i don't think i will.

Wow, first of all, I would like to thank EVERYONE for your amazing support during this difficult time. I am so grateful for your understanding - I don't think I could have made it through without you guys. Last night, after reading his email, I was devastated. I just had to read the "Dear Catherine" part and I instantly knew. He wrote, "I know you're expecting an answer from me but I'm not ready to make any decisions yet. I asked you for two months at first but you said it was too long so we both agreed on a one month time frame. But it's not enough time for me...... I'm still at my sister's place in SF because flights to TW are fully booked until mid -Jan so I'll be here until then. I'm sorry that our relationship is not working out yet. We had so many problems and if we got back together now, it might still be the same. The main thing now is for me to get a job and focus on my career. Also, I need more time to think about our problems and how we can change. I'm so sorry. Please give me more time. But if you feel you cannot wait longer, I won't hold you back. Please take care." No merry christmas. No I miss you. No how are you? No where are you? And the worst part is he's still in SF and I think he is highly influenced by his sister and mom. I don't see how, by giving him one more month will change anything if he isn't by himself, reflecting upon our problems. I do love him and I miss him so much. But I'm so hurt right now and I feel so disappointed in him. I feel as though I don't even know him anymore. The words he used in his email doesn't even sound like him. I think it's over. I think I need to move on. But I hope I can do what I say......

he emailed me today - says he needs more time, maybe one more month to think about us, things. he says that our relationship had so many problems and that his main focus now is getting a job and focusing on his career.........why didn't he just break up with me? why is he buying more time? what should i do?

he didn't contact me today (the only way he could reach me is by email). but for some strange reason, i already assumed that he wouldn't. now, i don't know what to expect, or if i should expect anything at all. here's a recap of my story: his parents do not want us to be together anymore because of all the fighting. they're traditional chinese parents and to them, a girlfriend should smile and give good energy to the boyfriend no matter what so he could focus on his career. thye used to love me, even wanted us to get married, but now that they saw us fighting, they disapprove. that's why there was all that drama in San Francisco and i think he couldn't take the pressure from his family. as for our agreement, he just said that he still loves me but what he really needs is time apart. he said that in the past, our fighting has never been resolved and we never gave each other time to be apart and cool down. he thinks that if we want to save our relationship, we need to try something new - which is time apart. he told me to have faith in him and that there is 90% chance we will be back together. so before i left, he said one month apart with NO contact. but we didn't say that on dec 26, he will contact me so i don't know exactly. and also, it's dec 25 in SF still....... our situation is really weird. when we were in boston, we were both still in school so we were very happy with no problems. after we graduated, he moved back to taipei and i followed him. soon enough that's when the problems began. we both didn't find jobs, his parents pressured him every time they called since thye were still supporting us, we didn't have any friends so we were alone together almost 24/7. i don't know if that's what caused alot of the problems.

Today is the day he is supposed to contact me to give me a clear answer (a verdict, more like it). I don't even know if he will remember, since Dec 26 seems like an odd day. Maybe he thinks it's Dec 31. I don't even dare to check my email. Last night (please don't frown), I just stayed in my room and slept. I think I slept for more than 12 hours. What a way to spend christmas. All of my friends are pretty frustrated. They want to call him but no one really knows where he is. He could be either in SF or Taipei. If he is still in SF, then too bad for us because he is with his family there and there would be no time for him to be alone and reflect upon things. To make matters worse is that his sister and mom doesn't think we should be together now. So, thereforeeee, time apart would be down the drain if he is in SF. sorry for rambling. just really sad, frustrated and down at this point.

thanks again for everyone's support. it's dec 25 here, christmas day, and i still haven't heard a word from him. is he thinking of me? why would he wait until so long. i miss him. i'm scared too. doesn't look too good, especially since the holidays are here. i don't even know where he is.

i want to pick up the phone and call him so bad. but i know i can't. i'm going crazy here. 4 more days of agony. and maybe even more if he doesn't keep his promise of calling. time apart with no contact is so hard and i don't even understand how much good it can do......