Jump to content

meoww

Platinum Member
  • Posts

    1,399
  • Joined

meoww's Achievements

Collaborator

Collaborator (7/14)

  • First Post
  • Collaborator
  • Posting Machine Rare
  • Conversation Starter
  • Week One Done

Recent Badges

67

Reputation

  1. One time, when I was still new to this site, I received an infraction for posting a comment in this thread using inappropriate language. I really feel that the moderator who did this to me was acting out of spite and it bothers me to this day! The reason I believe this to be true is that I have never been flagged for flaming anyone, and posting in this thread anonymously harms no one. So why was all this self righteous vitriol directed at me when a simple warning would suffice? I was new to the site at the time and didn't realize I was breaking the rules. I have a few ideas but I'm going to try to not let someone else's resentment control me too much. He assumed he knew what kind of person I was and tried to punish me for it when all I wanted was a private, safe space to voice my anguish at a person who treated me horribly. Just wanted to vent. Especially because moderators are supposed to be trust worthy and respectful of the people who use this site. Ugh.
  2. To you---I loved it when you touched my breasts and said that they were so soft. It felt so good when you put your hands on me, I could barely handle it. I would have let you touch and caress my chest for hours. I almost felt like I was going to weird you out because I liked it so much. It reminds me of a time I hooked up with a guy I was really attracted to at a party and he was like, "are you okay?" because I was breathing so hard. I need to keep it under control! And you---I loved the way you looked when your face was so close to mine. You looked so handsome and kind. You seemed like a different person when you kissed me, more like someone I'd really like to get to know. Your hands were amazing too, unlike anyone I'd ever met. That's why it was so hard to let you go in my mind. It was like I finally found someone who understood my body, how to pleasure me and I guess a lot of other girls, and then you and your magic hands were just gone. When you ran your nails accross my bare back it felt sooooo amazing. And you even made me think I had a gspot for the first time. Ahhh it's so frustrating. I'm sorry I barely put any effort into you I just felt scared from the bad experience I had just before. I hope you felt something for me, I really do even if that's pathetic. ---and when I'm near you I just want to sit on your lap. I just want to know. There has been so much sexual tension building that I think we could just get lost in each other for hours. You're driving me crazy. I try to move on but then somehow I'm drawn back in. I definitely learned that chemistry takes time to develop. It's not just something you can feel right off the bat. Which is why I miss ____. But you are so much hotter. Actually I can't really say that. Everyone has their own way of being attractive. I don't know any of you would do really.
  3. How can you be an ex if I never loved you? i was never infatuated or attracted to you. I never felt nervous around you because I wanted to impress you or ensure we had the perfect night. i never felt like kissing you for hours, i don't think we ever did that. Did we ever just cuddle? The thought of touching your skin makes me feel so humiliated and creeped out. You were supposed to be the guy I just let down easy and never thought about again. I was supposed to be the young woman you thought was kind of cute at work. Why did this happen to me? I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I got all wrapped up in your clammy, strange body. I even remember the precise moment when I decided to throw my life away. I just thought being with you would make my life easier. It was a trade off. It was like I was having this out of body experience. I felt drunk. I told myself that I had to be with you and it was the only way. What was wrong with me? You still haunt me. I still feel sexually assaulted by you. I used to feel like you were a dad who was sexually molesting me, but now I feel like you were just more of a run of the mill creep. When I replied to your message, I was hoping you'd become a better man so that I wouldn't have to carry the shame of having dated you forever. I was hoping you were normal now and then I'd feel less like I had this skeleton in my closet. That I had such low self esteem that I dated a huge loser. But I think you're still a loser I think you're worse than before Creep I'm sorry But if you would have let me go sooner I wouldn't have hated you so much.
  4. It's just embarrassing considering how important I thought I was going to be as a person. That somehow our relationship mattered to the universe because we were going to change the world, even if you disgusted me on a very accessible level. I mean, , if we had actually gone on to change the world I wouldn't sound like such a narcissistic has been loser now but as it stands my actions were embarrassing and pathetic. I truly thought I couldn't do any better. And the weirdest thing isn't that, it's that whatever nightmare one can conjure up already exists in the world. You are a ing nightmare of a person and I can't believe you're real. You were right there at my most vulnerable point to take me away and indoctrinate me with Your narcissistic fantasies in addition to my parents That's what my identity used to be Just a collection of other sick people's narcissistic fantasies. I was nothing without that. I don't know how to be anything but scared of you Because like my original abusers, you seem to completely lack the ability to reflect on yourself in an honest way How can I stop being traumatized by that? By moving on in my head And in my new world of honesty and integrity Simplicity and light I know that so many better things are there for me And that I need to let this security blanket go. I have to let the darkness go But then it means my life up until this point is a waste. That's why I can't let you go It's hard to admit that I am at fault for a of the stupid foolish things I've done in my life You were one of the biggest mistakes I ever made One of the times I acted out of fear and out of convenience And killed my own spirit until I felt like an unrecognizable monster How can I forgive myself for ruining my own life?
  5. I realize more and more that the life I once knew wasn't actually that mainstream...weirdly enough. It makes me sad that I'm one of the unlucky ones who grew up in the richest, freest country in the world yet was so incredibly miserable. This was before I realized That I'm not like going to hell or something for taking a completely different path from where and how I grew up. Before I realized it's okay to actually be free, to love who you are, to stand up for the positive things you believe in, Before I even knew that I could be happy Weirdly enough Happiness really was pain to me back then and I didn't even know it. My life was miserable. So finally seriously, I just want to let the universe know that I'm leaving you behind. I feel guilty in a way wondering if you'll discover what you have been missing in life. I think back to our first apartment How it was pretty nice And we moved into increasingly shabby quarters and I felt increasing depressed with the decisions you made in life Yet I couldn't dare question you because you were above judgement as a mystic and a third rate academic. The fact that I could have been duped by such an obvious charlatan makes me really sad for myself Like I must have been a complete idiot
  6. Even though your pretensions and immaturity, cowardice and lol I forgot the other word damaged me more than you will ever know I was in this upscale grocery the other day and I saw a man in his late twenties-mid thirties looking intently at the goods in the shop and suddenly it triggered sympathy in me like Oh All you wanted was to feel important, like your judgement mattered, that your existence mattered. Even if you went about it in the wrong way, I can't blame you for the way you misused your limited resources due to Your background, physical appearance, life experiences, time you grew up in, or the random things that happen to validate who you were at a certain point in time that led you to believe a certain career was your calling
  7. It used to make me so mad that you were a hypocrite who wouldn't own up to your actions. Now, you and I would never, ever happen because I don't tolerate that from anyone. Hypocrites are just another kind of person I'm pleasant to, but keep miles away from my heart. You could never break me now and you could never ever know me. Personal growth requires a great deal of bravery, humility, and perseverance so I think I'm correct in assuming you'll never get on my level. But I recognize that as your personal choice now. Before I couldn't accept it for some strange reason. I believed you were a stronger person back then, I was really idealistic about a lot of things. Now you would barely register so I want to let that part of me who hates you go already! You cipher. Why do I get so angry with people who I know will probably never change? You don't even know me anymore, and you haven't in a long time. The last time we spoke a year ago you said I sounded the same, which is outrageous, just outrageous. Of course in a conversation between just you and I you can make all the ridiculous statements you want because there is no one to check you or monitor you. You are a coward such a coward. You have made yourself so ugly. When I see you I honestly just see a blackened, rotting soul. But it was all your choice Like the choice I make to keep dwelling on how much I despise you. You chose to live a cursed life I just think that is so weird. Anyway, I just can't let you drag me down You are just such a downer even when I'm just looking back on the memories.
  8. 2 gross exes. It has been so long but something triggers me and I'm reminded of how traumatized I am. It's been so long and my life is 100000000000 percent better but then I think of your gross, scrawny little body wrapped around mine and the many times you violated me and I feel so disgusting, like I am the most disgusting person who has ever lived if I allowed myself to be penetrated by such a loser and creep. Other ex, the same kind of goes for you. It's hard to let go of my anger toward you both because I know you are both sick in the head and will probably never recover. Your kind are the most frustrating to deal with because you make things so much harder for yourself for no apparent reason, you have clear anger issues but take no responsibility for them, you betray the trust of your loved ones by treating them inconsistently, you are selfish above all, and always blame others subconsciously instead of looking inward, no matter how ridiculous you look to people who have a healthy outlook. You surround yourself with people who have similar issues and you think suffering is the norm. Hey I just made myself feel better. You can have your suffering, I'm in a better place now and I no longer care what you do for better or for worse. You are beyond redemption in my eyes.
  9. We are still young enough that it doesn't seem like a such big deal for you to be fundamentally critical and negative, for you to project your unhappiness and insecurity out on to your partners. But as we age, it's not going to be pretty. I just imagine a life of hardship and suffering in store for you if there are similarities between your current relationship and ours. Even though you acted a lot like my abusive mother, at this point, it's unclear if you'll turn out like her. But it breaks my heart to think about your fiancee and how she could turn out to be a broken person at the end of all this. Even though I don't care if you have grown up to be an abuser, it really hurts my heart to think about how that is going to traumatize her for years to come, especially if you really do get married. She seems co dependent, but that's just a fleeting observation since I don't know either of you. Then I imagine a child being born into a situation like that and it's pretty devastating. I know that your parents made you feel, similarly to mine, that anything that makes you feel good can't be right. but I really hope realize thats not true. When we're young, dysfunctional relationships get minimized but in truth, I think it's always important to be with people who treat you well, respect you and make you feel like you belong. I didn't realize that myself until today. I always thought, oh I always have more time to become a better person when it always matters. I know that when you lied to me constantly and consistently, you triggered the part of me that feels unlovable. So I wanted your approval. Parental rejection is of course my fundamental reason for feeling so much sadness and grief and why I was unable to see what real life was really all about. You validated my worst fears about myself, you stimulated the worst part of me. I do see the good in you and the good in my own abusive mother. But like I said, it matters that you're not living up to your potential as a person. I have to say that of myself too. Even if I'm not an abuser like you guys, I reap what I sow too. But anyway, that's where I am at in terms of both of you. Everyone has good and bad in them. It's up to the individual to get the ball rolling on positive change. It is my responsibility to accept and forgive you if you ask for forgiveness. but just like with my mother, it is hard to forgive someone who doesn't even ask for your forgiveness. Do you want my forgiveness and love? not romantic but my general love for humanity love I can give you that today, even if you don't ask for it, because I trust my general intuition that we all have free will to exercise and that like a muscle, the less we exercise it, the more it atrophies just the way our brains and bodies are pretty much the same thing just as cancer has a cause, mental illness has cause, external and internal Now we're older and your life isn't just something you look back and laugh at. like we did about being children So far, it doesn't seem like you're going to get better i would help you since im out of that horrible place but im too scared to go back and there are too many fun and exciting things to do on the other side did you know that it is estimated that 1 in 5 adults were abused as kids as far as what I saw from your parents they were abusive and they hurt you all the time i didn't trust my intuition about that im sorry that we all come from such places of pain i absolutely know that shutting people isn't good for anybody ill be braver and learn to deal with the messiness of life even though at times my abusive mother may have made things much messier than they needed to be created strange situations between my family members and me I just have to let it all go and realize that it is the best interests of everyone, including me to just be happy and love everyone so good luck i know i directed and continue to direct too much hatred toward you. it's just taking me a long time to figure out how to cope.
  10. I definitely see the parallels between how your expectations for our relationship were very similar to my abuser's expectations. I knew there were some similarities but now it's really clear. She would pretend to be all for my personal growth and then do everything she could possibly to do to hinder that growth, and deny it if I actually confronted her about it. You did the same thing too, you would tell me that you thought I was a great person but, there was always just this one thing, or this one reason we couldn't be together, there was something wrong with me in your eyes. If only I could fix that 'one thing' that was wrong with me then we could at least have a shot at being together, you would claim. While the whole time, just like my abuser, you were concealing your own (well her case illegal activities), in your case, morally bankrupt behavior and constantly tearing me down without remorse, without seemingly any kind of self awareness. And conveniently using my emotional distress as a cover and distraction for your own actions. Cold, calculating, emotionally distant and yet too close at the same time, if you sensed me starting to realize this charade was never going to end, you'd pull me in with insincere words because you knew at the time I'd take the smallest, most distant hope as bait. That is EXACTLY what my abuser used to do to me. and it used to work EVERY damn time but I learned to break the cycle. I don't let anybody get away with that anymore. So I don't know how to feel about you. Should I pity you? should I want to kill you? Should I be indifferent? Being indifferent is the easiest path for me in terms of just living a simple, happy life. I learned how to cope and understand your actions by thinking and reflecting on the REAL TRUTH. It is hard to break free of your own ego and confront your most vulnerable characteristics. Every day I find a new way I'm deceiving myself and my self deception is always evolving to be a few steps ahead of me. so I wonder sometimes if people really change in the end. in the end, I can't change my past with you. I was one of your victims I am my mother's victim and you were all successful in bringing me down and making me feel fundamentally worthless, unwanted by all, fundamentally unlovable. You succeeded in making me feel like a complete outsider to all the good things about life, just the way my mother did my whole life. She made me feel like I could never have any of those things, really, because I was born cursed. Cursed to meet people like you who could carry on her legacy and cursed to be reflecting on my abuse for the rest of my life. And no matter how much I struggled or wanted something better, I could never have it because I am doomed. but I don't think any god would care about someone as insignificant and as small and lacking in power as me. Personally, I like to talk myself up and I think I'm such a cute little critter but I don't think that god could possibly hate me that much right? I don't know where the line is between pride and self love because in my house My abusive mother would always tell me that anything, absolutely anything positive that made me happy was basically a sin that sending me straight to hell. So you seemed like the perfect boyfriend because with you, nothing was easy I always felt bad about myself the way I was taught to feel. It's hard to have enough faith to be positive when I feel like the wrath of god is manifesting in own mother. That she is doing the work of an angry god. At the end of the day, who could refute that? Claiming otherwise would only make me: lazy, avoidant, immature, afraid of the real truth What if I had given her what she claimed to want from me? I did, I asked her complete forgiveness at my lowest point. My weakest point. I begged her to forgive me so that we could start again and have a loving relationship. Does that sound familiar? because it sounds eerily similar to the way our conversations would go. I don't know what that makes you. You hurt me on purpose, believe it or not. Just because you say you didn't, doesn't mean that you didn't. I'm sure you'll realize the way you set up our interactions so that you could continue to find a justification for why I was good enough to love sometimes, to **** sometimes, to have long conversations with, to give false hope to, but ultimately always find a reason why we weren't good together, a reason that somehow always seemed to have something to do with what I was lacking. Do I finally feel differently? Do I finally feel like this is no longer a wound that seems to get reinfected every now and then?
  11. It was never my responsibility to be your plan B, emotional rock in case of emergencies, your punching bag, your housekeeper, and to be the person you could spread nasty rumors to your friends about....how I desperately loved you so much and how much I needed you, about how you felt so guilty and unsure about leaving me, when I never said you were the only one for me, when all I asked was for a normal relationship with someone who thought highly of me and enjoyed my company. Instead, just like my parents, you refused to give me a normal relationship, instead, you wanted all my devotion and all my energy, and all my time so that my life would revolve around you and your problems and I could never live my own life. I had to plan all my calls around your schedule, if I wanted any face time with you I had to see if you were willing to pencil me in. I allowed you to criticize and judge everything about me, from my personality and appearance, my life decisions, and my painful past with my abusive parents. I spent 100% of my time desperately trying to craft an identity you would approve of, when in truth, you were insatiable. Every effort I made, was just an excuse for you to criticize me and call me pathetic. If I tried to be smarter, then I was being too eager, and 'not being myself.' The last thing you wanted me to do was love myself for I who I was. That wasn't acceptable and you considered me an embarrassment, and you considered my existence a problem to be solved. You had no respect for me. You would never treat anyone you look up to the way you treated me. And every time I allowed you to treat me like a prostitute, therapist, or punching bag, you would look down on me even more. You are sick but that doesn't matter to me anymore. Whatever happens in your life, is just what happens. Just because I'm still angry on some days doesn't mean I still love you or that I have loved you in a really long time. The last time I loved you was probably before that camping trip. Or I don't know, the last time anything was good was within one month or two months of that abusive relationship. So it wasn't really ever the real thing. I guess you are taking time to reflect on your actions and trying to become a better person. That's my best guess. Honestly, I don't care that much because it has nothing to do with me. seriously, it must seem like I still have feelings for you or something but I honestly DONT. I needed to preface what I'm about to say with that. It's like it finally, finally it hit me. You never, ever called after we broke up. You made literally zero effort, like on a scale of one to 100, I'd say it was about anywhere from a 1 on a normal day, to a 15 on an unusual day. I just started to cry when I realized how much effort I put into something that you put pretty much nothing into at all. It would be easier to get over it but since I saw on your fb that you seem to be pretty socially isolated now, I feel like you're suffering the consequences of your actions and it just makes it that much worse. I wish I could just write you off since you wrote me off from the beginning and that would be the healthy thing to do. You made me feel as bad about myself as my parents do. No one else has had that effect on me other than my parents. I don't know why I used to let you treat me like such absolute garbage. I'm really thankful for the emotional distance between us. but the pain of the double abandonment from both my parents and you was too much for me too handle. I was literally broken for a while. But when I put it all into perspective I really see how disempowering it is for you to have treated me that way. I had an experience like that once, when I was 16. He didn't like me much at first, but I didn't know that I was super naive. So when I finally got the guy, and I realized I wanted to have fun and be single, the tables had turned. I was now the one with the power, and what I thought initially was such a great prize seemed more and more pathetic as time went on. but I never told him that we were back together. I had sex with him a few times but for the most part, I ignored him. I'd talk to him about other guys that I liked and was dating, even if it hurt him because I just didn't care what he thought. But I still never pretended we would get back together I never lied about my other sexual partners I didn't connect with him emotionally I didn't talk to him all the time, almost never. I did hit him once actually though. when I found out he kissed a girl, finally after like 8 months. I was so mad, because she was so cute. it was weird being jealous about that when I didn't like him at all, I practically hated him. So I guess it's not even the same. You really are a special case...and I don't mean that in a good way. Not many would be willing to stoop to your level. I'm glad that in the end, I came out looking a lot better than you do now. Especially as we have all grown up, I think anyone would understand what you did to me and why that shows how weak you are. but if you are that weak, then you really are a special case and I don't think I should be mad at someone who has that many problems. It would be easier to write you off if it didn't seem like you regretted it...so I hope you have no regrets. because I certainly have none. I wouldn't have wanted to stay with you long term anyway. Some days like this, when I'm starting my period, I'm super bloated, super tired, super pissy about everything I just wanted to get in your face but yeah I'm just PMSing I honestly hope you get better I feel sorry for you. but just remember...love always fades. There is no one special love. That's not real. Marriage is kind of a joke if you ask me. So don't go around thinking we ever lost anything because that is so ****ing dumb on so many levels. and if you really want that fake thing that people call love. knowing you're just as shallow as me, i would suggest you improve your personality and appearance because that will definitely increase your odds. unless you really want to stay with her. if you can do that with integrity then kudos to you, you have created your own meaning. if you are that strong, then that's great someday i hope to meet someone who makes me feel strong enough to want to keep working on a relationship even after the excitement fades. JUST TO BE SUPER CLEAR. it's not going to be you and it never was.
  12. I still think about you sometimes, not in any romantic way (shudder). Sorry I don't mean to be so rude. It's been 7 years since I first met you. While the thought of you in a sexual or even platonic way kind of still traumatizes me and creeps me out and while you still seem really rapey and kind of pedoish to me, some of the things I learned from you I apply in my life every day. While you are responsible for a 3 year nightmare, I still changed for the better because of you at the end of the day. Despite the fact that you have flaws that ordinary people don't have, some of the things you think and know are brilliant. I wish I would have known what you were right about, and what you were wrong about from the beginning. Then I wouldn't even have had to date or have sex with you in exchange for your insights. Just being honest. Now that I don't hate myself anymore, even your flaws are starting to seem tolerable, or even endearing. Everyone is starting to seem endearing. I mean, I'm sure you're glad to be rid of me at the end of the day. We were very clearly wrong for each other, if to some extent an intellectual match. But you deserve much better than someone who doesn't share any of your interests, which I kinda just don't. I'm sorry that I am totally not who you thought I was, it would still be nice if you would recognize that you couldn't mold me into who you wanted me to, and that how you treated me was very inappropriate a lot of the time. I couldn't be your pet, I needed independence, I clearly had differing values and goals from you that you tried very hard to suppress. You took advantage of my vulnerability as a young, child abuse victim and that was very wrong. Now that I am almost at the age you were when you met me, I am pretty sure you should have known better. But hey, maybe I'm just more mature than you were or have more common sense or a better grasp on morality. I think I'm finally getting over my anger at you. Mostly because I just can't change the past, and partly because without you, my foundation with you and your patience with my ignorance, I'd most definitely be worse off. I am just stupider than a lot of people. It sucks sometimes being this ignorant, naive, clueless and dumb. I have to make the lamest mistakes just to figure the most basic things. And I'm just tired of that. I wish we never happened for that reason. I don't like to think of myself as one of those people, those weird outliers who are so bizarre and embarrassing. God what an embarrassment I used to be to society. Just plain dumb. I just want to erase everyone's memory, my own I could handle but my mistakes will live on forever in everyone else. Even if they don't give a **** about me, I'll still be that totally clueless idiot. Is that a label I can never escape? Why was I so clueless? I guess that's why people prefer to pretend to be stupid, because nothing is more embarrassing than thinking you are smart when you are not. Being ignorant is much less of a personal embarrassment. I guess that is what it is. That's what I learned. Never be too eager because it will make you look like an idiot. Brilliant. Sometimes though, people admire that. At first it seems refreshing, unusual, maybe even spiritual. But I feel like I'm learning the meaning of cool. It's almost like a form of perfectionism of self consciousness. DUH. It's a way of showing your flaws in an attractive way. Alright guess that's enough. Being cool means shielding yourself from the vulnerability of extreme emotions, sometimes. Being strong enough to stand up to social judgement, showing leadership, slowing down just enough, like a surfer riding the crest of a wave. It's the balance of enthusiasm and defiance. It kind of makes sense, it's kind of freaking me out and confusing me.
  13. I can't wait until you are over this horrible man, you deserve so much better. You really do. Your heartbreak probably has more to do with unresolved issues in your life anyway so don't give him too much credit for anything. My heart goes out to you!
  14. If I never really loved you then I have no integrity, but if I loved you then I had...bad taste? And I was also pathetic. I think it's better to be pathetic than lack character though so I guess I can go with the ignorance angle. I haven't been able to say it for sooooo long. If it is what it takes for me to feel like an honest person then I'll say it now, I loved you once. It's not as embarrassing to write this as I thought it would be. I'm sorry I didn't love you enough and I feel really guilty about it but I think that if you really had loved me you wouldn't have been such a terrible person. So I think everything really did turn out for the best.
  15. I really wish you'd pay me 3 grand for my losses in the move, and storage I wish you could have had more compassion for me, But then you wouldn't be you, would you? And you would have dumped me in a much more compassionate way. I'm actually not that surprised by your acute level of selfishness anymore, since now I know you are the rule rather than the exception. BUT--I wonder if when you're 60 or something you'll finally grow up and mature enough to get what a complete tool you were If not then how can you live with yourself? I think life on earth really is just hell, meeting people like you certainly makes it seem that way I guess I still wish we never met, even if you opened my eyes to so much and that experience changed my life so dramatically for the better. That's how you differ from people like my mother, at least you have redeeming value for that But just another waste of time in my wasted life Thanks!!
×
×
  • Create New...