SandyD

We had some more talks and have been basically hanging out all the time since he´s gotten back. He knew I was very confused and so just made himself available to talk, and we had some very long talks. He told me about his feelings for me being solid true, and how torn he was that I wanted out again, how he got nauseous (I know, VERY dramatic). He´s been more affectionate, we´ve been kissing more than we´ve ever kissed before. He has a cell phone now. He´s gone out with my friends and we had a blast, and he was even willing to go to a nightclub which he hates just because I wanted to go (I know this isn´t something that will ever become a habit though, he´s just trying hard to get on my good side). He´s subtly tried to initiate talks about the future (I freeze though). So I know he is trying hard to get back in my good graces. I know this nice little phase won´t last, but I think that we did break some ground. So I´m allowing myself to see if this is going to be good or not. If things start to go downhill again, I´ll let him go for good. I guess I´m testing him, and I´m giving us the last proverbial shot. I know you guys will say I´m stupid and dumb, but I feel like I need to do this. I don´t feel like he´s pressured me into it, he´s not a controlling person... he´s very laid back and quite shy. And yeah, it certainly has not been an easy/smooth ride, but I have to be sure that maybe it´s not me who is actually partly to blame.

Yesterday he had called me asking me what I wanted him to do (not call, call, come back to town, not come back). I got very angry and we hung up on a bad tone. This morning he called to say he was in town and I went over to talk. It was good to see him, I had missed him. We sat down and talked about the affection and trust issues. I still can´t bring myself to talk about the money thing, I´d probably just end up calling him a cheap bastard. He agreed that he isn´t very affectionate outside of sex, and he had never really thought about it. It was like a revelation. To everything, he said we could work it out somehow and that his feelings for me were true. Then he goes on about how love is also about acceptance, about understanding eachother´s faults and making it work so we´re both happy and bla bla bla. He didn´t pressure me to be with him or anything, he knows I have to make that decision for myself. And it´s so hard. But he said he was sure he wanted to be with me. And I know I can´t ignore the writing on the wall and all the red flags. But this is harder than I thought it would be, because deep down I do believe him, I do think he is just a thickheaded male who does some stupid things because he doesn´t know any better. But maybe it´s just because I missed him so, and I want everything to be alright. I left without making any decisions. I guess I really need some support right now if I´m going to go on without him, to know it´s the right thing. I know you all told me he was bad news, I guess I need someone to say it again. Thanks guys...

Thanks for the replies guys. I ended up having a phone conversation with him and expressed my lack of desire to continue the relationship. He´s at his parents. Of course it went bad, he said "it´s all in your head" about one thousand times, he pointed out some of my personality flaws (such as being shy and that I keep people at a slight distance) and blamed me for everything. It´s confusing because he knows the right thing to say to make me feel guilty, like I´m making all of it up! He said I was acting like a victim. I´m scared he´ll come back and talk me into this pseudo-relationship once more. He has a way of making me feel like I shouldn´t be or want the things I want, which are, in the end, only affection and genuine caring.

I´ve been with my boyfriend for 9 months now. We´re both in our late 20s. We´ve known eachother for a year. There are some things that bother me and I wanted to ask what you guys think, since my boyfriend says I am getting worked up over nothing... -He acts distant (no kissing, hugging, touching) unless he´s had a beer. After a few sips, his hands automatically come towards me. I find that weird. When we first started going out, he wouldn´t even sit by me in public. He would tell me how in love he was with me, but then ignore me when we were out. I understand he might be shy, although he wasn´t shy about talking to other people, but this seems like too much. -We went travelling together for New Years, I spent half a day travelling to meet him at his parents after not seeing him for about a week. We spent another day travelling to get to our destination. He never kissed me (not even a peck) until the next day, at night, in bed, when he wanted sex. -He has to travel a lot due to work. We spent an entire month apart at one point. When he gets back, he will usually spend a few hours with me and then go drinking with friends or something else. Last time he came back, he had gone out with friends and called me after a few hours to say he was going home. The next day his friend blurted out about their crazy night, which my boyfriend hadn´t told me about. Turns out he didn´t go home. Some girl was hitting on him, and asked him and his friends over to her house to drink a bottle of vodka, and my boyfriend ended up being pulled over by cops on his way home. He said he would´ve eventually told me about it, but he didn´t want me to be upset or jealous. He was the one who told me about the girl. -He just bought a Skype phone. I suspect he bought it to speak to his ex who is in another country. He´s only online to speak to her, and the other day I logged on and he had a picture of her dog on his msn. When he travels, he calls me from payphones since he doesn´t have a cell. I think it´s strange that he doesn´t seem to have a need to talk to me when he is away (he´ll go for 5 days without contacting me - he says it´s beacuse it´s expensive and we don´t have to speak everyday). -He never spends any money on me. He´s in grad school and doesn´t have much money. I always pay my half of everything. He gets a student discount on tickets and such, and I pay full price when he invites me out. He doesn´t have a car, so we end up using mine, and he never offers gas money. - One time I had to drive him all over town to run errands and buy some hard to find items before one of his trips. He didn´t even offer to pay for the 50 cent cup of coffee I had. We went out for a pizza before he had to travel that night, and I almost cried when he made me pay my half since I was his chauffeur the whole day. I swallowed the tears and didn´t say anything. -He tries to get himself out of paying for things. I think this reflects character. Once, at my favorite hangout, the waiter brought a drink and forgot to charge for it. He didn´t say anything. He tried to do the same thing at another place, but the waiter caught on. He has stolen a small bottle of pepper sauce from a supermarket. -I never see him during the daytime. It´s usually me driving out to his place to sleep. I always have a hard time getting him to go out with me and my friends. He says he doesn´t have money, yet he´ll go out with his roomates to drink beer. I remember once I was upset because he backed out of going out with me because he said he had no money, and the next day he had bought a punching bag with his roomates. -I end up going out to socialize alone since he won´t go with me. He doesn´t seem to mind. He´ll usually ask me to come sleep at his place afterwards. Sometimes I´ll go to a club with friends, and then drive accross town at 3 in the morning to sleep with him. There are other things, but these are the things that are aggravating me the most now. Of course, there are good things or I wouldn´t have lasted this long with him. But somehow I´m starting to forget what they are, except for the fact that he says that he loves me. Does he sound like he does?

I´m in a relationship but I still like to go out with my friends. My boyfriend is more of a homebody, I like to go clubbing, and he understands when I want to go out. I always invite him when I do go (which isn´t that often anyway), but he´s not into nightclubs and currently doesn´t have a lot of money to go to these places. Of course it doesn´t thrill him when I go out alone with girlfriends, but he trusts me. We do socialize together with friends in different settings. But today I was talking to my mother and she was appalled that I would go out to a nightclub while my boyfriend is at home sleeping. She said guys don´t tolerate that and he must not like me very much if he is cool with it. I thought that was a mean and old fashioned thing to say, much like my mother I might add. But it made me wonder if other people think that one should only go out with their significant other and forfeit all other socializing that doesn´t include them... what do you guys think?

I´ve complained about my cheap grad student boyfriend before. Now he´s at it again. We are supposed to be going to a concert (2 bands we really love). We´ve been looking forward to it for about two months now. But last night I found out he is going to get a student discount, and I´ll be stuck paying full price. Granted, we´re going to stay at his parent´s house since the concert is in their town... so I won´t be paying for a hotel or meals, but it still angered me that he wouldn´t mention sharing his discount with me (add his to my full price, we´d divvy up the total) since I´m not rich either. Money is NOT an issue for me (or else I wouldn´t be with him), it´s his lack of sharing that concerns me. I would have gladly split my discount, if I had one, with him. I´m very embarrassed of bringing this up with him, but it just made me question our relationship once more. It´s been six months. Is it unreasonable of me to seriously consider this might not be the best relationship? Otherwise our relationship isn´t satisfying me much... the only time we ever kiss is when we have sex, which isn´t too cool with me either. And we have had some trust issues that almost broke us up a month ago.

Your situation does seem a bit tricky. You have all the good things that make for a good relationship, and from what you write you both care deeply for eachother. Long distance relationships are not easy. But you say you lack the chemistry. I know some people say that chemistry is somthing that is either there or not. I don´t know if I agree with that. I think there could be some stuff between the two of you that won´t let the chemistry flow properly. Are both of you very shy? How much do you guys actually see eachother? It could be that these two things aggravate the problem. I personally don´t think you should be with someone who you don´t connect with sexually, otherwise it is only friendship. But you are attracted to him, right?

Well, he says he loves me... but maybe he doesn´t because he always goes dutch... is that what you are saying? Could it be he doesn´t care?

Thanks Annie24. I will do that. It´ll get my message accross and I won´t feel taken for granted anymore. And then maybe he´ll shape up and start paying more... or maybe we´ll never leave the couch again!! ha ha ha We´ll see what happens. He´s out of town for a few weeks again due to his studies. I wonder what he´ll bring me as a gift this time around... I hope it´s not another lighter. I have the feeling that he doesn´t do this out of malice. He´s just really thickheaded.

Ouch. Well, he does rent movies, cooks dinners (usually for a bunch of people, and then he splits the bill for ingredients), keep an eye out for free things like concerts and such. But when we go to the movies, I´ll pay full price and he´ll get his student discount. He once asked me out to the theater, to a play he really wanted to see, and got the student discount and actually let me pay full price for mine... which really hurt my feelings. This is bad right? Oh, and he doesn´t seem embarrassed by this.

Oh yes... he is great otherwise. He is a sweetheart and makes me feel very loved. I´m definetely not with him for his money... hehehe. Still, somehow this whole money thing is not sitting well with me. I feel weird about it. Edit: I don´t want fancy dinners either. But is it wrong to want the guy to foot a bill once in a blue moon, even if it´s just a shared ice cream? I would for him!

Thanks for the reply. I know I should talk to him, I just don´t want to hurt his feelings. I don´t foot all the bills, but he does make me feel like he doesn´t value my money much (or my own self for that matter) when he seems more generous towards friends than towards me. The car thing is what upsets me more. He lives far from me, and he´ll come to my house by foot on occasion, or by bus, but mostly it´s me driving all the way there, taking him out, bringing him back... and I´m not rich either!

My boyfriend is doing his masters at a university, and he is still largely supported by his parents. Because of this, he obviously doesn´t have tons of money to throw around. We always go dutch when we go out. But this has started to bother me. I´m not asking for him to pay for everything, and I´m not some old fashioned girl, but sometimes I wish he were more generous. He only picked up the tab for a meal once, and it was so unusual that I felt weird about it. He doesn´t have a car, so I´m always driving to pick him up, yet he never offers me gas money. I´ve bought drinks for our own consumption, and he encouraged his roommates to help themselves. He was away for a whole month last month, and brought me back a... lighter! Yes, a lighter. A pink plastic lighter. The other day we went out with friends and he had no cash on him, so I paid for his beers. Afterwards we went to grab a pizza and he offered to pay since I had gotten his beers. I didn´t eat much, I dropped him off, his roommates finished eating the pizza and I felt ripped off. This is really starting to bother me. I´m not sure how to deal with this.

I´m in a relationship now and I´m very happy. But last year I dated a man who lives a town away. He would drive to my town on weekends to hang out with me. I always knew he was a player, but I wasn´t looking for anything serious, so it didn´t matter. I guess I was playing the field as well. He was a cool guy, charming, very good looking, I loved our conversations... but he was bent on convincing me to have sex with him. Not that I´m a prude or anything, but I didn´t feel right about hoping into bed with someone who clearly only wanted to add another notch to his bedpost. And, despite his having all the qualities that made him dear, I didn´t feel that attracted to him because he put so much pressure on me to go to bed with him. He was very very rude sometimes and tried to emotionally manipulate me, and it got to a point where I even felt a little sorry for him. He went as far as saying that he had fallen for me, and then he would decide to drop me off at home in a very bad mood because once again I didn´t want to go have sex with him. He was a jerk, and all the while I was trying to be a good friend and show him a good time on his weekends here. The real kicker is... he had a long term, long distance girlfriend the whole time. I think he was even engaged. He was a slimeball. Anyway, one day he just stopped calling and contacting me. I think he realized I wasn´t going to put out, so he decided to find someone else. This was many, many months ago. Now, all of a sudden, he contacted me through e-mail, acknowledging that he disappeared and didn´t know if I´d want to hear from him... really putting out bait to see if I´ll bite. I just want to know... how would you respond to someone like this? Should I let the dogs out on him, or just be very cool? I feel like he took advantage of my good nature, and I can´t help but want to put him in his place.

Hi all... I´m seriously distraught over this and I have no one to talk to, and I´m having a hard time dealing with confused feelings. I need someone to shed some light on this for me. I´ve been seeing my boyfriend since last December, but we´ve only been together officially for 4 months. He´s a great guy, but we had some problems at first because he´s so laid back and shy (as am I). The thing is... he has an ex girlfriend moving to Australia in about a month. I think she was his only serious girlfriend prior to me (and he´s almost 30, talk about a late bloomer...). They were together for 3 years, lived together, and he was very much in love with her, but things didn´t work out and they have remained very good friends, even though they live far away. They broke up about a year ago. At first I thought it was cool that he was able to remain friends. And then I found out they talk at least once a month on the phone, a bit more often on msn. She is still on good terms with his family, and calls them as well. Well, before she goes away, she will be coming over to visit him, and drop off her dog for him to take care of while she is in Australia (they got the dog when they were still together). And I am mortified of having this girl staying in my boyfriends house. I am pissed that I might have to look at this poor dog everyday, and know that she will one day come over again to retrieve it. That she will call all the time to know how the dog is, and it´ll be a guarantee that their relationship will continue, because, well, they have the dog in common. I have an ex-boyfriend who lives overseas, and he wanted to come over to visit me and my family. We have remained good friends as well, after a 7 year relationship. He was here last year. Well, he´s not sure he wants to come over because he thinks it will be strange to see me with another guy, and it would be uncomfortable for everyone. All my friends think it wouldn´t be such a good idea either, out of respect for my boyfriend. That´s what upsets me... and confuses me. Granted, I believe in friendship with exes, but they will always be your ex. You shared your life with them. It will never be a regular friendship. I don´t want my boyfriend to be so close to someone he slept with for 3 years. It´s a threat to me, as ugly as that sounds. It makes me insecure. And it´s very strange to me that this girl would seriously think of coming out here to drop off her dog. We´re very far from where she is. She knows my boyfriend is in a relationship... would she seriously be comfortable meeting me? What the hell is my boyfriend thinking? I don´t know how to deal with this. I almost want to break up with him because this is too much for me to handle. I think he still loves this girl, and I feel very disrespected.