marmala

Dear EW, If you don't like what you are hearing from your therapist seek someone else. I hinted that the first one we had in 98 was more sympathetic to my husband and yes he was a male therapist. He had some good points about how my past lead to a communication break down etc however he never told my husband that what he did was wrong. The second therapist last year who was a young woman did tell him point blank that seeking any attention be it emotional and/or physical outside of the marriage was WRONG! Is there any chance your husband will go to therapy on his own? For the people who are slamming age and turned the other cheek etc. if it is directed to my situation you don't know all so don't be so quick to judge. Life is shades of gray and not black or white with answers. Hang in there and change whatever numbers you need to protect your peace and space. Marmala

Hi, After reading this I want to just say do what right for you and your son but I have to confess keeping him in the family just to keep him in the family doesn't sound like the best place to consider. No doubt you feel at least he will be with family but that family situation doesn't sound the greatest to me and deep down probably to you too. Is it really better than living with his mom? I suspect you hope to be able to see him in the future right? Is your son going to be able to handle being relocated permanently now and in the future? Have you even talked to him about this? All I advise is caution because adoption is permanent. Think before you act.

It is wrong to take a marriage vow and then turn around and have a sexual fling because of a physical want not being taken care of in the marriage. Has he told his wife what he is contemplating? IF so and she agrees fine what goes on between two married adults is between two married adults. I doubt the wife knows a thing.

Yea for you and thanks for your comment. I joined this forum especially to communicate with you. Last weekend on Mother's day we had a "everything but the kitchen sink thrown in" type of argument. The first time my husband cheated he cried,he denicd(but I had him and her on video tape- audio no video because they were out of the view of the camera) and I left and went to my parents house for what I thought was going to be forever and ended up being two weeks. This was in 1/98 with my two year old in tow. My father tried to be supportive but he was rather verbally abusive about my husbands lack of character etc.and started making suggestions that I found entertaining but not really in grounded in reality. So if you are comfortable with your friend's offer for a place to stay while you go for therapy,think,cry, and FIGURE OUT what to do next do it----- do it!!!! I might have been stronger and stayed away to truly figure out my life if I hadn't had my po'd father to listen to instead of crumbling and returning to my husband two weeks later with his promise to enter marriage counseling and do whatever it took to keep our child and I and him together as a family. This is a brief description of the first infidelity. So be comfortable with yourself and what you want and what you want to do right at this moment. What you have witnessed with your own two eyes far surpasses my audio portion of an attempted video of betrayal. Keep your eyes wide open!! I still do!!!!

[ Hi, I can relate to everything you have experienced except actually catching my husband of 24 years in bed with the "other woman". Our relationship has been a roller coaster since we met and fell in love a long time ago. He has been unfaithful twice with the same old neighbor. I have given him two chances to move on and get back to being loyal and committed to our relationship. He just took a new job and we have moved two 1/2 hours away from our old home. This is after going to 2 marriage counselors. The first one was lousy and the one last year was decent. At least when I said I didn't feel safe in my own home because I always had to be on wary of his love interest- she agreed. I said I wanted out of that living situation to a new home. The counselor told my husband that was a reasonable request. Well now we are moved into a new home in a new area with our 8 year old and he says I haven't changed. I told him I feel the safest I have felt in 6 years and that I am happy and that I have tried to show that and he says I haven't. The last thing I said to him yesterday was that I wanted it in writing how he wanted me to change. We haven't spoken to each other since. I use to think I could never survive without him in my life,now I am trying to calmly and rationally (Ha sounds good) figure out what to do next. Later this a.m. I will be contacting my old shrink and run my current tale of woe by her. Do you have anyone to really sit down face to face and talk to? If you have insurance see what coverage you have for mental health help. If not or if you are uncomfortable with that contact a women's center. Even if its a center for abuse they can point you to people who can help with relationship issues. I thought I deserved his infidelity in the past because I come from a family background that allowed abuse when I was young. I have said and done things to him that have been cruel. I am now at the point in my life I want to move on and I have tried to be a better communicator of my emotions but he clings to the past and throws his old hurts out there on the table every time we argue. So my point is don't let your situation continue to brew. Like I said I have 24 years into this one relationship and I am still trying to figure out is it worth saving for our kids sake or is it better to split up before our kid is emotionally damaged from witnessing our arguments. I pray for all of us who have been betrayed by people we love and thought loved us.