Cecelius
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Trust Issue with Girlfriend having boy spend the night
Cecelius replied to Blinking101's topic in Trust and Relationships
I don't think it matters what any of us consider appropriate -- it's what you consider appropriate. Personally, I think it's wacky - perhaps not as wacky as if he were alone with her, but strange just the same. I wouldn't put my foot down -- the fact that she agreed to this in the first place kind of lets you know where she is. I think you just let her know it's not okay, very calmly, and back away from the situation with as much dignity as possible. -
In light of this, I wouldn't put much past her. This occurrence was nature's signal to you not to get or be too involved with her anymore. Don't worry about the trust, given her age and propensity to party, just have a good time, keep it light and make sure she understands that she's welcome to hit the road anytime she wants.
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Does that include the figures after the decimal place.....? My guess is that this is a sales job (and there will always be money for people who can sell), but the real issue is 20 years from now, is it possible he'll want to do something else. Generally, a college education long term would probably make life easier. An undergraduate degree is, at this point, almost assumed in many jobs and he may have a problem switching later on without it.
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Perhaps you would feel better about how things went if you had very clearly shot him down when he made his first inappropriate comment, and left the situation. That is what I assume my g/f would do if she were in a similar situation. 1) Clearly this guy cannot be in your life anymore. The existence of someone who wants something more than platonic friendship is likely to be considered out of bounds by your b/f. 2) You should explain what happened to your b/f. Make it very clear that it was unwanted (assuming that's true) and that you didn't want to hide anything from your b/f.
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I personally don't know what the magic recipe would be -- for my money, when someone is willing to do this kind of thing, they don't stop doing it till they suffer something for it -- perhaps the guilt is enough, I don't know. Second, and not to raise anything you haven't in your post, but if she'll have an affair, which you know is true, how do you know that you know all there is to know? How did you find out? I would suggest moving out for a while, or at least letting her know that's what you need till you can decide how you want this to work out.
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How bad is it? I mean, if it's skanky, then it's just disrespectful and you should just dump her or date her for the sake of dating her. If it's just normal, current-fashion skimpy .. I dunno what else to do. What you should do though is encourage her to wear even skimpier clothes -- she'll wonder why you don't care that other guys are seeing her like that. But do not forget for a moment that she does this because of the attention she gets. So long as you are immune to this silliness, she'll drop it unless she has deeper seated problems.
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I wouldn't date a girl who has an average of more than 1 per year since age 14 with a max cap of 10 (when I hit 40 years old I may raise this). Also, wouldn't date anyone whose list includes dudes in bars, friends, female friends' brothers, more than one guy in a frat, more than 2 guys who know each other... I have no idea what is too much for a woman.
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gf is going to Cancun Mexico for new years for a week
Cecelius replied to Massari's topic in Trust and Relationships
I agree with all of the above posters who probably say that if you make a big deal about this and whine, etc., it will be very unattractive and if anything, would cause her to cheat. I will also say that there are places that are plausible for a girl of THAT age to go with other girls of that age that do not scream "Girls Gone Wild" quite as much as Cancun. Just go to Senior Frogs one time during spring break and you will see enough to convince you that no girl you want to put your trust in would go to such a place unless she wants body shots, to have her mini skirt blown up by the compressed air, etc... Lastly, it doesn't have much to do with trust if your g/f is planning to get liquored up and let loose -- how much sympathy are you going to have if she gets roofied? I trust my g/f because (1) she knows I'd walk without a second thought if anything even seemed amis and (2) she'd never go to Cancun for a week with a bunch of girls. Recipe for disaster. -
Am I expecting too much from my boyfriend?
Cecelius replied to CandyKane's topic in Relationship Advice
Speaking as a male I agree with your counsellor that letting your b/f dictate who you are friends with is bad. However, I just wouldn't date someone who hangs out with a dude who used to be an overnight guest. I don't think you are doing anything wrong, I just fear for a b/f who gets talked into thinking this is just his jealousy at work, and has agreed to counselling at the 5 month mark... This is your b/f's problem -- if he's a nancy about it (ie, it bothers him but he doesn't do something about it) then maybe he deserves some misery. -
I agree that he ought not do any harm to her by lingering on this subject, but it is silly to say that this particular topic is somehow off the table for evaluating LTR material. Or that he owes her anything on this front -- does he owe her love because she loves him? As far as he can see based on her past, perhaps her view of what love is isn't close enough to his. For me, when I see that level of promiscuity, it's a turn off, plain and simple, because it usually indicates some underlying self-esteem issue (just as many girls get turned off by a guy who doesn't have enough experience). I don't see a lot of women encouraging women to date men who lack self confidence, are wishy washy or indecisive or who have massive self esteem issues. If he wants to take this kind of thing on, fine, but if not, what in the world is any more wrong about this factor than deciding that someone's politics, racial attitudes, economic habits, physical appearance or whatever is a factor. Lastly, I agree with you that when this issue comes up and the dude is torturing himself over it and her too, that is primarily something wrong in his mind, not hers. He should know what he won't take on, and decisively avoid it when he sees it.
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He sounds like a real winner. My guess is that absent a threat or implied threat which I'm not sure I see, this is not criminal. But I agree with the other posts about making sure your hangout situations are more group type activities.
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There are tons of double standards in the world, including many that some women apply to men. There's nothing wrong with him deciding that her past is just distasteful to him, as she could do with him. He's not wild about a level of hooking up and plasticity that seems to make him feel as if he is just the next guy who happened along. This would be no different than a girl deciding that the guy she's interested in gives up his heart too easily (the "Too much too soon" guy) and she doesn't feel like their relationship is any more significant than any other girl he's ever been interested in. I completely agree that the OP should not cross examine, abuse, or make her feel bad. It's not okay, and it will not help the relationship or this issue. When this kind of thing starts coming out of the closet, it's best to assume the worst, see if you still basically feel the same way or that if, at your age, you'd be better off with someone who considers a little more carefully whom they bed.
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You're a man, and you like a girl. One of the things that you like about a girl is the idea, the sense, the feeling that you are one of a select group of people to get access to her in particular ways... until you find out that you are not. What's bugging you is that someone you want to like who is nice and sweet and decent, is also very pliable, impressionable and, well, easy. I have no doubt she will not cheat on you. She is far more likely to become complacent, gain weight, stop being fun, or whatever -- because you are SAFE. All the other dudes just wanted the nookie, but you want to SAVE HER (from herself, it seems). This, basically, is a simple case of you not being able to respect her. Further, the fact is that whatever was going on in her head at the time that this stuff was going on is still going on -- you're just the dude who happened to want to date her. I would walk -- I would stop talking about it and just move on. This will not improve in your mind.
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I agree with Ruid. And that's a Swingers quote. She wants to know you're a passionate man -- on the inside, and you are taking all the damn fun out of it for her by wearing it on your sleeve, making it all available to her. Sort of like how dudes don't care for women who give up the loving too easily, she wants (needs) to fight a little bit to be worthy to get into your heart. Don't take the fun out of it for her -- be a man, be fun, be up, be confident. And don't do it for her --do it for you. The fact that you'll be drawing women like moths is a side benefit.
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No, just women