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caveat

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  • Birthday 09/30/1971

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  1. Hi JOYl, Any update? How are you doing? Caveat
  2. the 'strategy' worked in my case, though it really wasn't a strategy at all...it was just me getting on with my life...and her refusing to let me go. she went from wanting to be alone to find herself to wanting to be back with me, stronger than ever. but it took years literally.... but she is back. and its better than its ever been. and i am better than i have ever been. that break up was the best damn thing that ever happened to me. Caveat
  3. Hi Foz, Great to hear from you again, albeit under these circumstances. I remember your situation very well and I am not at all surprised that your ex is poking his head into your life to see whats going on. How you handle his surprise appearance (i.e. whether you speak with or meet with him....or not) is a decision that you need to make on your own, and needs to be one that you can be comfortable with living with down the line. That being said, I'm happy to share my 2 cents.... One line from a couple of your recent updates really stood out: When you reduce it all down to one line you can't put it much more simply than that, can you? This guy walked out of your life with his tail between his legs without even having the decency or b*lls to sit down and talk to you about what he was considering. I know you have a lot of thoughts and emotions swirling around in your head, but I want you to think back to the moment when you walked into your home and realized that he had packed up all his things and left. Remember how that felt? Remember how you couldn't believe how someone could do something so callous to someone that they supposedly loved (and had professed that love only weeks before)? Its been a year, yes, but in the grand scheme of things thats not a lot of time for a person to effect a level of change that would dispel any notion of his ability to do something similar in the future. Even if he spent the past year alone, reflecting on what went wrong I would doubt if he would have had adequate time to really change, but given that he has been in a relationship for the past 7 months I'm even more skeptical of the possibility that he has changed into someone who is not capable of repeating such behavior. He hit a point in his/your relationship where he wasn't totally content and what did he do? He RAN. You don't need that kind of person in your life. There are plenty of men out there who will speak from the heart and will live up to their words. I fear that if you go another round with this guy you are only delaying meeting that person and opening yourself up to the potential of more heartache which will in turn impact your ability (and timeline) to get into a truly rewarding relationship. So my practical advice/recommendation? Don't meet with him. Don't reply to him with anything other than a polite, "thank you, but no thank you". You don't need the opportunity to show him how well you are doing. You and the people who count already know. And you don't need the opportunity to tell him whats on your mind and what a cowardly thing it was that he did. It will only show him that its still effecting you. You don't need further disruption from him. You have taken control over your life and things are now starting to really click for you. Don't let him impede this progress. Give it more time...there is no reason why you should allow him to control the timeline of when (and if) you ever decide to speak with or meet with him again, and frankly, based on your most recent posts, I don't think you are ready. Keep up the great work and keep living life. Cheers, Caveat
  4. I have to say, my favorite line from that movie has to be: "Get busy living or get busy dying." That pretty much says it all. If there has been one simple guiding point on my compass for the last year and a half I would have to say that it has been that one line. Caveat
  5. My friend, if you can do it, I think you should try to go somewhere where there is a beach, lots of sun and lots of gorgeous waitresses bringing you beers as you lounge poolside resting up for the big party that night. If thats not your happy place then take a trip somewhere you can get away and process things. Here is a big tip: you bought the ring? Sell it! And use the cash to spoil YOURSELF! If things work out with her in the long run you can always by another, but right now its ALL ABOUT YOU. About 2 months after my breakup I decided to head to Hawaii for a vacation that the ex and I were supposed to go on together. I was a bit nervous about going alone, but that nervousness evaporated pretty quickly. I also went over there with a mission: to learn how to kiteboard and to spend as much time in the water as possible. Looking back, that trip really kicked off an incredible year and a half and I'm still going strong. You are going to feel like a zombie for awhile and those thoughts of doom and gloom are not going to go away over night, but you have to put up your fists and start giving as good as you are getting. Don't accept feeling like crap. Fight it at every opportunity. And the way you fight it is to rebuild YOUR life rather than try to sift through the fragments of your relationship with the intention of piecing it back together. If you and your ex end up back together at some point it will have to be a new relationship and you want to make sure that YOU are in a position to dictate what YOU need. To do that, you need to build yourself back up. Consider that your mission...and know that you are doing it for YOU, not for her, not for the hope of reconciliation. For YOU. Its obvious that you are someone who under normal circumstances has a pretty good head on his shoulders and is not one to let life beat you down. Well, guess what? Life just slapped you in the face and said it wants to make you its little b*tch. Its time to get a bit angry (not at her, or at life) and step up to the challenge. You can do this, all you have to do is for you to WANT to feel better and be willing to work at it. Write all your frustrations out here, lean on the people in this forum. They won't disappoint you. But in parallel with that, start rebuilding the areas in your life that you need to have in place to have a balanced life. That means getting reconnected socially, getting your body healthy, setting some new and exciting goals, jumping into hobbies that you think might be interesting, etc. You need to do what you have to do to make you feel good about yourself and not allow anything to get in the way of it. Its going to be very difficult, I know, and sometimes it will feel like you are only going through the motions and that your interest is merely contrived, but that is normal and it will pass. Hang in there. Caveat p.s. Playbrat, You busted me. I haven't posted in quite some time and its nice to see that there are some folks out there who are still wondering about the next episode of the Caveat soap opera. Well, its good and bad which means its pretty much the same! But at least I can laugh about it! I promise I'll update soon...its a good time to do it because there have been some pretty good sized bumps in the road lately and boy is she taking me for a ride!
  6. Hi, I am truly sorry to hear that you are having to go through what you are going through. I was in a very similar position about a year and a half ago and I know how difficult the first few months are. As to your question of whether it can get worse before it gets better the answer is yes...if you let it. The first few months were frickin' brutal for me and even now it still is painful, but it does get better little by little. You need to be patient with yourself and give this thing TIME. You have made it 3 months without contact...that is AWESOME. Going from a serious, every day relationship to nothing is like being addicted to a drug and going cold turkey. That you have made it this far without breaking down and trying to pull her back into your life is a sign of your strength (as you have seen from this site, most people tend to call, write, etc. their ex in the hopes that doing so will undo what has been done). GOOD JOB! Its going to take a long while for the pain to stop and you will have your rough days, but you have to keep moving forward. Of utmost importance is taking care of yourself and focusing your energy and time on yourself rather than trying to resurrect the relationship or examining what happened with the relationship. There will be plenty of time to do that later once you have pulled yourself back up on your feet. If you have spent 3 months on this site then you have seen a common theme regarding what you need to do right now to make sure you don't allow this thing to get the better of you. Surround yourself with friends and family and lean on them for support. They will be there for you. Do not close yourself off from the world. Get out there and socialize, even if you feel like you are just going through the motions. Trust me on this. You need to be around people right now. EXERCISE,EXERCISE,EXCERCISE. And when you are done exercising, exercise some more. Excercise has been my savior and it has led to a lot of exciting new opportunities (not to mention several dates). You'll look better and feel better about yourself while also tiring yourself out, leaving less time and energy to wallow... Spoil yourself. Take a trip, buy a new wardrobe, get that new toy you have been telling yourself you shouldn't buy. And perhaps this change of job/career is timed perfectly! What better way to kickstart a new chapter of your life than to point your energies in a whole new direction. And who says it has to be career-focused right away? Ever thought about what it would be like working in a foreign country at a beach resort? Or working in the Peace Corps for a year? Or being a bartender at some swanky high-end New York bar? Or.... You get the point I think. This could be a great opportunity for you to really expand yourself and at age 29 you couldn't ask for a better time in your life to be single. I know it sucks, but you really have to focus on recreating your life without her and once you start doing that I think you'll begin to realize that there are so many more opportunities to do things and go places as a single guy then there are as a quasi-married guy..... Take care, Caveat
  7. If you treat this 'project' as a hobby and educate yourself thoroughly on the topic you will be very surprised about how far you can take it, not to mention that you will have built a foundation of knowledge that will serve you well for the rest of your life. As you can see from my post I'm 33 years old. I'm also probably in the best shape of my life (and that is saying something...I played laccrosse for a Division I school during my college years and if you know the sport you know there is a lot running/sprinting/cutting) at the moment. I typically run 2 to 3 times a week (mostly hill running), with runs averaging 6-8 miles during the week and 11-14 on the weekend. I've added swimming to the routine as well, going about 2 times a week. I lift about 3 times a week on average and either ride the stationary bike after I lift, run stairs, jump rope or hop on my road or mountain bike for an hour or so. (I'm not advocating this level for you right now...this program is part of my training for a couple of upcoming races including a 1/2 Ironman in late July). I play laccrosse in a men's league twice a week and have managed to remain competitive. Skiing, kiteboarding, mountaineering are all big hobbies of mine which I dedicate a great deal of time to, depending on the season. And somehow I manage to do all of this while keeping my work life (I'm an attorney) on track (I don't have a wife, kids, etc. which frees up a lot of time). And more importantly, I have a very active social life and party more than is healthy (life has to remain fun after all). I mention all of the above because I want to reinforce how important it is to have discipline and commitment when it comes to getting into and keeping in shape. While it may seem that your busy schedule does not allow for the amount of time to dedicate to exercising it actually does...you just need to set the time aside and use it wisely. We are talking about an hour a day (somedays, like on the weekend, maybe a bit longer). Some people are morning people, some people prefer to get their exercise in the afternoon. Regardless of what time of day you prefer to workout the key is to map out a schedule that is REALISTIC, does not burn you out, that has a high degree of variation (in terms of exercise) to keep your interest level high, and has your goals in mind. Its not as hard as you might think. At your age, I wouldn't worry too much about getting yourself in triathlete type shape. Rather you should be focusing on how to get yourself healthy and on building an education on how to do it right. It sounds like your two goals are (1) to train for basketball season so you enter the season strong, and (2) shed weight so that you look/feel better. You have given yourself 3 months to do this which I believe is a realistic timeframe if you seriously dedicate yourself to a program/schedule. Now, 30 pounds on a 110-130 pound frame is a lot of weight to try to lose, and most likely is helluva lot more than you need to lose. Focus less on 'weight' and more on 'fat'. You want to get lean which means you want to lose fat and build lean muscle. When starting a new program you will often times find that during the first month or so you don't lose any 'weight', in fact you may gain some. Why? Because muscle 'weighs' more than fat...its denser, more solid tissue. Ultimately though, the more muscle you build the more fat you will burn. The more muscle you build and the stronger you build it the more it requires fuel...and your body uses fat to store fuel. In short, don't focus so much on how much you weigh, but focus more on body fat percentage. You may not have access to tools that accurately measure body fat. If not and you can afford it, look for a scale made by Tanita that both weighs you and measures your body fat (you should be able to get one for $40). The body fat meter is not that accurate, but if you measure yourself on a regular basis you will be able to see which way you are trending (i.e. progressing) which is the most important information you want to see anyways. And be sure to measure yourself at the same time each day, preferably right after you wake up in the morning and after you have taken a leak/dump. Write the total pounds and body fat down for each day to keep a log. In terms of cardio training (knowing that your goals are to shed weight and prepare for basketball season) I have a couple of recommendations. For starters, playing basketball at lunch and after school may seem like it should be adequate to get you where you want to be, but I'll be blunt: its not. While you should keep doing it (because its fun and keeps your technical skills sharp) you should fold in at least 3 more days of cardio work. And by the way, basketball is not as optimal of a cardio exercise as most people think. There is a lot of stopping and starting (which, like sprinting, is largely an anaerobic exercise) rather than a long continuous, fat-burning burn. A couple of long (40+ minutes), medium intensity cardio sessions should be built into your week. Jog (find some hills if you can), ride your bike, swim, whatever. Just get your heart rate up (shoot for about 75% of your maximum heart rate) and keep it up. Thats a VERY simplified approach but at this point its probably enough for you to shoot for. In addition to your long sessions, build one or two short, high-intensity days into your week as well. 20 minutes of sprints, stair/hill running, jump rope, etc. that focus on explosive speed. Do it diligently and you will be stunned at how it improves your mobility and speed on the court. Not to mention that it makes your body have to compensate/change to prepare for the next session which means your body's demand for energy climbs, which in turn means, you guessed it, your body's fat burning requirements (i.e. metabolism) increase. In terms of diet, if you can do it try to break up your food intake into 5 or 6 small meals. And by meal, I don't mean a plate of food. A meal can consist of a handful of nuts and some vegetables. My suggestion would be to eat something like oatmeal, cereal and a piece of fruit immediately after you wake up and then to eat every couple of hours thereafter, with your last meal happening at around the 12 hour mark. Your carbohydrate intake should be heaviest in the first half of the day and then the remainder of the day should be protein heavy. I strongly recommend you go to the bookstore and get a book which educates you a bit more about what a carbohydrate is vs. protein vs. fat. Knowing the differences and how they effect your body is absolutely vital. You actually should be able to find everything you need to know on the internet. Don't get anal about counting calories. You just need to get a rough idea of what your taking in so that you can make adjustments. And if you do it right you can cut your calories while actually eating more! I believe the recommended caloric intake for someone your age is about 2500 calories per day, but that is a very broad recommendation and doesn't take a lot of things into consideration such as a person's metabolism. I actually tend to think that the recommended amounts tend to be high so I would suggest looking at around 2000 as your mark. Enriched wheat? Its the white crap flour thats used in damn near every cereal, bread, cookie, etc. that you eat. It metabolizes like sugar, converts to fat very easily, and has little nutritional value. People eat tons of it and wash it down with soda/juice (by the way, don't think that drinking a lot of fruit juice is a good component of your new diet...its not)...no wonder why there is so much obesity this country. I digress. Another name for enriched wheat is bleached flour. Wheat is 'enriched' by bleaching out almost all of the good stuff in whole weat and then 'enriching' it by adding a few back in. The end result is wheat flour that is far less nutritional and healthy than its original form....whole wheat. Moral of the story? Stay away from breads/cereals that don't use whole wheat. Obviously you aren't going to be able to get away from it entirely, but its good to know that its not doing you any favors and that its best to avoid it as much as possible. Eggs, meats/poultry/fish, vegetables, raw nuts, fruits (eat in the morning), protein powder, whole wheat products, are all good. Stay away from/limit intake of sodas, candies, etc...these are just 'empty' calories that go straight to your waist line. Also stay away from fried foods, foods that are in cream sauces (sauces in general are a killer in terms of calories). Keep your portions moderately sized. There is no need to eat until you feel like you can't eat anymore. Eat until your no longer hungry and then stop. 2 hours later you may be hungry...a handful of nuts, a piece of jerky, etc. will take the edge off. Think about it: your body is smart. If your body is being fed consistently throughout the days it thinks that food is plentiful and that burning calories is no problem because there will be more on the way a couple of hours later. If it only gets a big meal a couple of times of day followed by long hours of zero food it thinks that food is not plentiful and thereforeeee stores some away in case it needs the energy later (and yes, by store, I mean convert to fat). In short, by breaking up your day into small meals you are actually promoting a higher metabolic rate. Whew, I got a little caught up there for a moment. I think I just wrote a small novel. Time to go for a run.... Good luck. Caveat
  8. 9th grade is a bit too soon to begin taking dramatic steps to overhaul your body type. You're still growing at a rapid rate and you're body is still trying to figure out where it wants to level off. In short, I would recommend against being to fixated on trying to turn your body into something that could grace the cover of Men's Health magazine. However, there is no doubt that life for teenagers in today's world certainly makes it harder to lead a 'healthy' lifestyle. So much of the food that teenagers stuff themselves with is pure crap. Too much time is spent in front of a screen (whether it be a TV, video game or computer/internet browser) rather than exercising/playing outside. If you can get those 2 areas under control I think you'll see immediate results. At your age your metabolism should be cranking and even a little exercise should result in huge caloric burn. Its just a matter of (1) getting your eating habits (both in terms of what you eat and when) under control, and (2) actively pushing your body to change. You sound frustrated and ready to translate that frustration into commitment. If that is indeed the case you are halfway there. Commitment and discipline are the foundation to body shaping. You'll find that to be even more so the case as you get older. So what can you do? Step one is to cut out as much of the crap in your diet as possible. Cut your sugar intake WAY back. Instead of drinking soda, drink water (and juice has almost as much sugar as soda so unless you are drinking diet sodas you are probably taking in more calories via what you drink then you realize)...lots of water really can help flush a lot of the garbage out of your system and to a small extent water can suppress your appeitite. Write down everything you eat in a day and keep that log going for at least a couple of weeks. Then look at it and try to get a rough idea of how many calories it adds up to. You may be surprised at just how much you are taking in and then you can start cutting some of those things out. I have some very broad rules regarding diet that I live by that help me keep my weight under control: in the morning I eat complex carbs immediately after waking (usually a bowl of oatmeal) and then I eat between 3 or 5 more smallish meals throughout the rest of the day. BUT 12 hours after I wake up I try to avoid eating or drinking anything with calories. And 6 hours after I wake up (the 'mid-point') I cut back on the carbs significantly, typically eating only complex carbs like vegetables. I eat tons of protein throughout the day (and keep powdered whey protein handy at all times) and stay away from sugars or foods that metabilize like sugar (a big culprit is 'enriched wheat'...people totally underestimate how many empty calories they intake each day in the form of enriched wheat. I would concentrate less on adding a large amount of muscle via weight training at this point and instead focus on cardiovascular work, such as running, riding, swimming, etc. You want to get your heartrate up and keep it up for at least 20 minutes (shoot for much more than that) severaltimes per week if not more. Cardio (aerobic exercise) is your fat burning activity whereas lifting is anaerobic for the most part and is not focused on fat burning. Bottom line, eat less, burn more. If you eat 500 calories less a day and burn 500 calories more its a difference of 1000 less calories per day...and that will qickly translate to less weight on your frame as your body will look to its fat reserves as the source of energy. You should be able to find some good information on the web for guidance. Good luck, Caveat
  9. Yes, that does show your level of uncertainty and confusion and I think its very good that you see that. If your BF can acknowledge that and understand that you have no control over that right now it might help the situation enormously. Why? Because he might recognize that only you can sort out how you feel and that any influence or attempts at persuasion on his part may only frustrate you processing what you are feeling and cause you to push him further away. Right now he is scared to death of losing you and that fear will feed his insecurity about the state of your relationship with him...and the natural reaction of a lot of people in that situation is to cling on even tighter. The best thing he can probably do right now is to back off and give you the space and time to sort through what you are feeling. Perhaps you should impress that fact upon him if it still has not sunk in...you would be doing both of you a favor. The more you describe your situation the more I think it parallels mine own. To the extent it does, you both have my sympathies because I can sincerely attest to how much it SUCKS. But it is what it is and if you both deal with it in healthy way you will both benefit from the outcome tremendously, regardless of what that outcome may be (i.e. reconciliation or separate paths). My ex and I split about 2 weeks before a trip to Hawaii that I was really looking forward to (I had no intentions of proposing though she may have thought otherwise) and at the time she was extremely stressed by a number of things, not the least of which was me pressing her for greater evidence of her commitment (brought on by my sense of her drifting a bit). Like you she had self-esteem, insecurity, etc. issues most of her life, but was at a point where she began to feel good about herself and capable of standing on her own two feet...in short she felt brave and strong enough to venture out on her own. I'll venture another guess: I'm guessing that, like me, your BF created a safe environment that allowed you to really flourish, that he dealt with some of the things in your life that had you had to deal with them alone, would have been much more difficult if not impossible to do so. In short, he supported your quest/drive for independence and confidence. And like me he is now realizing that he may have helped foster the very thing that is compelling you to push him away. When my ex felt like venturing out on her own, thats exactly what I gave her: space...and lots of it. She has had a helluva year dealing with things on her own, and she has been shaken tremendously with how difficult life is when you have no one but yourself to rely on. But that is what she wanted and she will hopefully come out the end a stronger and better person for it. If you opt to go that route I really hope you do make the most out of it and that you do not hold onto him as a safety net or jump in the arms of another if times get tough. In my case, I recognize the need for her to be independent and on many levels I knew that at some point she would have to break away from me in order to claim it. She was intimidated by me (my experience, strength, independence, etc.) in many respects and to a certain extent, jealous that she had not had the life experiences that I had. In some ways I think that my presense was a constant reminder of that. In the past year my ex has not been able to let me go (and its been difficult for me as well), but also not able to commit. Her behavior and actions (with respect to me) are almost 100% governed by selfishness about what she does not have and what she needs to experience. My interests (although still important to her) are clearly not the primary priority. When you love someone deeply that realization is very difficult to swallow, but I think eventually you simply come to know that it makes no sense to chase someone that doesn't want to be with you and you then begin to become comfortable with the concept of not being with them for the rest of your life, and perhaps completely cutting them out of your life forever. As each month goes by I get closer to that point, a fact that she is realizing little by little. Whatever course of action you take be very wary about imposing upon him too much while you get things sorted out. Its clear that whether you stay with him or not you have grown into a new chapter of your life and that if you are to stay with him he needs to accept that and evaluate what is best for him as well as you. That may require him to let go (probably will), knowing that you will most likely not come back in a romantic context. Or if you do, it will most likely be too late. Timing is everything. Unfortunately its also something we have very little control over. Caveat
  10. I went through something similar over a year ago (also a long term relationsip) and the bottom line is that it SUCKS and it gets harder before it gets better. Not the uplifting words that you need right now, but you need to prepare yourself for whats coming because one way or another its most likely going to be a long haul. So what do you do? She wants space. GIVE IT TO HER. Give it to her not only because she is asking for it, but do it also to preserve your own sanity. She has some huge questions rolling around in her head and no coercing or pleading on your part is going to help resolve those questions in your favor (long term favor anyways). What you might succeed at should you press her, however, is to drive her further away. Give her her space. Okay, so you give her space. Now what do you do? Focus on yourself. Keep yourself super busy even if in doing so it only seems like you are going through the motions like a robot. Hang in there... Caveat
  11. Good for you. I'm sure it was not easy, but stepping up and being honest with him and yourself is a big step towards resolving things, regardless of whether the resolution is a rekindling or a decision to part ways. I have mixed feelings about your pending trip. I'm sure some of the romantics out there will say that its a great opportunity to rekindle any remaining spark through some special, shared moments. I tend to take a more pragmatic view in that I think it may be too much too soon and that being in such close quarters for that long will only make you feel more suffocated and trapped (because it does sound as though you are feeling that way....) than you already are. You say you want to 'escape' and that you feel relieved that this weight of commitment to a pre-set future has been lifted off your shoulders. I don't know either you or your BF so I can't say how the recent discussions will translate over to your experiences/discussions during this trip....but my gut tells me it could make matters more strained. If I was in your BF's shoes (as of a year ago...I've learned a few things since then) I would probably be thinking that this trip might be an opportunity to bridge the gap between the two of you and rekindle whatever spark may remain...and who knows maybe it is. However, I tend to think that the wiser course of action for the both of you is for both of you to back off a bit and let the raw emotions have some time to settle down. You are going to have your guard up, he is going to try to sift through his hurt and rejection and show you he can change. I'm a bit jaded these days but my gut tells me that may be a recipe for disaster. Is there no way of postponing this trip? What if you were to take it by yourself...is that an option? It sounds like your BF is keeping his cool and, despite the hurt he is undoubtedly feeling, is trying to keep himself in check. If so, he sounds like a pretty mature, solid guy. A lot of guys would opt to take a less dignified route. I'm guessing (big guess) that he was planning to ask you to marry him on this trip (and perhaps you were thinking the same thing?) and if so, his world/future just took a major beating... His comment about your new found independence, circle of friends, etc. is interesting. How accurate is it? I'm wondering if your situation is similar to mine in that my ex was (for lack of a better word) dependent on me in many respects and it wasn't until she felt a bit more able to stand on her own two feet that she decided she wanted to sample the world on her own. This seems to a recurring theme in a lot of threads on this site, especially those where there is an age gap. I'm curious to see if you can/will answer this question with a simple 'yes' or 'no': are you willing to risk losing this man as a lover and friend forever for the opportunity to venture out on your own? Caveat
  12. Nicdigby, This sounds more and more like a version of what my ex and I went through over a year ago. As with you, there is an 8 yr age gap, and like your BF I was pushing for greater commitment. Like you, my ex felt like the pressure was too much and when combined with some of the other things that were going on with her at the time, she opted to end the relationship. Now, before I continue, there are some key differences: she was the one to bring up marriage just months before, she has always maintained that she wants to have children b/f she is 30, I am her first love with whom she had been with since age 19, the relationship was long distance for the prior 2 years while she finished up her degree (lots of temptations in college....), and probably the biggest difference there was always lots of passion in the bedroom (though I'm sure she wondered what it would be like to be with some of the young guys that were chasing her at school). With that qualification out of the way here is my 2 cents (and remember this is just what I would prefer, having been in your BF's shoes not so long ago): (1)---be honest with him about what you are feeling. Brutally honest if you have to be. Don't hide behind 'I don't knows' or 'I'm confused' if you DO know and are NOT confused. If you do so and are thinking that you are doing him a favor by not destroying his ego you may want to think again. You will hurt him, no doubt about that, but you may also give him the chance to either (a) let you go and allow himself to move on quickly, or (b) make a sincere effort to fulfill your needs (not saying that it would be possible to do so). (2)---if you are 100% sure that you don't 'fancy' him (I'm assuming that means that you are not attracted to him...) and that its not the pressure of what he wants thats making him unattractive then you need to let him go and not cling to the comfort that the relationship offers or the fear of losing him as a friend. Is the attraction problem driven primarily around his inability to please you in bed? It really sounds like the two of you need to eliminate some of the stressors that are causing him to push and you to run, and then after you have cooled a bit, talk...REALLY TALK...about what each of you want and need. After 5 years it would really be a shame to walk away without doing at least that much. Tell him the truth. Candy coat it if you must, but make sure he understands what you are feeling and thinking. The truth hurts sometimes, but personally, I'll take painful truth over open-ended ambiguity any day of the week. Caveat
  13. Its hard to tell how much of an effort you have made to work this out (i.e. talk to him about what you are feeling and explore all possible means of fixing what is broken), but it sounds as though your break-up discussion caught him completely off guard which tells me that perhaps the two of you danced around the edges of the issue but never dove right into the heart of it. If so (and that is a big IF), was it because you were afraid to tell him that you were bored with him, that he was 'appalling' in bed, etc. (because you do so sound like a good person and good people hate hurting others)? Its ironic that people with good intentions can sometimes cause so much more pain to another than someone who approaches the same situation callously and selfishly. You are in a very tough spot here, one which seems to have future regret written all over it if not handled wisely. In your own words he is the 'ideal' man. If that is indeed the case then all others will be measured against him and if you don't come to grips with the fact that the vast majority of people out there fall well short of our ideal you may cycle through men and relationships for a long time...and possibly end up settling for something less than your ideal. Believe me, I am not unsympathetic to your dilemma. I just hope that in your attempts to not destroy this guy you end up doing more damage than you would if you simply cut and ran. Perhaps the two of you need to remove the pressure points so that you can both look at things a bit more objectively and dispassionately. Feeling as though you have marriage, a home, kids, etc. hanging over your head is a huge weight to try to bear while making a decision as big as whether to end a 5 year relationship with your 'ideal' man. Talk to him about it and don't pull any punches. Trust me, looking back, I wish someone had given me that advice a year ago. Instead of backing off, I pushed...and she ran. If he continues to push, I have no doubt that you will do the same. Good luck to the both of you. Caveat
  14. Hi IcarusT, I'm very sorry to hear of your predicament. There is no easy answer but I think you are asking yourself the right questions and based on the tone of your post it sounds like you are maintaining a level head about how to react. Quote: he admits that he doesnt really know her but wants to and is following his heart. You are much more tolerant than I am. Had my ex told me this I would have been livid and probably would have immediately refused any further contact. My ex was feeling a temptation to experience more of life on her own but claimed there was no specific person she was interested in (may or may not be true, but she is a very honest person and speculation on my part would have been meaningless). If your BF was saying that he wanted to venture out on his own thats one thing, but saying he wants to take a run at a relationship with this 18 year old while keeping you in the wings is something else entirely. In taking such a course he is placing a value on the relationship that is far less than what you believe it to be. In my opinion I think he needs to learn the true value of your relationship if he doesn't already know it and the only way he is gonna figure that out is if he loses you. For your own sake and for the sake of your relationship I think you need to distance yourself from him right now and resist his attempts to keep you in his line of sight while he goes out and plays. Take the moral high-ground here and don't let him treat you as a safety net. If he is willing to put the relationship at risk he needs to learn what the potential cost of doing so is. It sucks, but be thankful that this issue is cropping up now rather than 10+ years from now... Its time to focus 100% of your attention on yourself and your own life. Whatever you do don't chase him. Good luck. Caveat
  15. link removed I have been mauled by a couple of Cougars in the last year...they are for real and they mean business.... Caveat
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