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GrowingIn

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GrowingIn last won the day on August 24 2011

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  1. I just really miss the days when we first met when we were so open and honest with each other we told one another everything about us and our past. They didn't last long enough. I wish so much we could do the same about us now and go back to that. I wish I knew what really happened when you went back home. I wish to know that you respected me while you were gone and still respected me ever since. I know I did. I also wish you loved me back. I wish you could be open, honest and sincere and share your feelings with me as I did with you. I wish you wouldn't ask me to overlook what happened and simply give you my friendship. You ask me something you know I can not do. The first few days we talked I felt we would be best friends. I needed that so much in my life. You told me you did too. I know there was a time when you told me you could only see yourself with someone like me. I wish that future was as important to you as it was to me to work together so we could make it true. I wish I knew why you decided to go your separate way, and kept me strung along for months until you reached the moment when you could no longer see a future with me. This entire time all I could think about and focus was on how to make things good about us, and could not focus on myself at all. Then after you left, it just got even worse. I'm sorry that I hurt you and I'm sorry you did too. I hope you understand. I hope you feel the same. I couldn't bear the pain, I never learned to lose, because to me at least, it never was a game.
  2. I just want to know why? The third time my ex wife disrespected me, gave me an ultimatum and threatened to leave.....I said go. It took a long time for me to get over her, went to the depths of hell and climbed out of the darkest hole I have ever been. That was supposed to make me stronger. The next fling I had, when things got bad I let it go....moved on and found someone else. And we both ended it maintaining our dignity and some self respect. With this one I had a great relationship for awhile and cared for her a lot. In fact she may have been the one true girl I really cared for. And out of all the ones I dated, she deserved the help I gave her. I did a lot for her and got little in return, but she did make me feel loved. We only had a few fights in one year, and always maintained respect for one another.....but then began the drama. But even then we respected each other and we were PROUD of that fact. Once again, I forgave her once, I forgave her twice but when she betrayed me a third time and she wanted to leave I told her to go and never come back. I stuck to my guns. I never contacted her again since that day. I thought I was even stronger. I thought I had learned how to respect myself and put an end to bad relationships when the time comes. I also thought I had learned how to deal with break ups since I did not fall down into a deep, dark hole again. I was down, but I kept my head high. Then YOU came along. After all that learning. After all I have been through, WHY and HOW could have I possibly let you disrespect me and make me feel so low from the very beginning? Why did I even try with you? Why did I even allow it? Why did I play your stupid game and stooped to your level? WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? Why, instead of walking away did I began fighting and playing the emotional/abusive game? I KNEW what a good relationship feels like. I HAD it before. I tried to do that with you too. Why did you fight me so much on it? Why did you not WANT to get along? Because you only had bad ones and tried to do that with me, that's why? But why did I allow it? Why did I stick with you still hoping, when I KNEW, and I could see that you cared so little for me. That you had no long term intentions with me. Yeah you helped me with some money when I was in the dumps. You think that's what I needed? You think that means you are justified in your actions to use me as a stepping stone when I had real feelings for you? You think you can give me money in exchange for my feelings? I'm not a * * * * ing * * * * * . I am a guy. You just caught me in the worst period of my life. After I had lost everything. So you think that's who I am. I am not like your exes who were happily letting you take care of them. I FELT LIKE * * * * the whole time because I never had to depend on a woman before, and all I wanted was to give you what you said you never had: A guy that takes care of you for a change. That IS the kind of guy I am. I just wanted you to be patient and understand it's going to take some time for me to get back on my feet. Only you didn't believe in me. You thought I was like them? You have me wrong baby. You have me very, very wrong. Even though I had already achieved at 25 what you are still searching for, I let you act as if you were above me? Why did I just not put an end to it myself the many times I wanted to? Because I felt bad to leave you crying and alone. But you know what? I had been there. I KNEW what I had to do. I did it before. Why was I strong before to put a stop to relationships that were much better than what I had with you, that were much healthier, and much less one sided, yet with you I stayed and took all of your * * * * , hoping that one day we would end up together. What was the point of all the previous suffering, and learning, and experience if I allowed you to treat me so damn bad. How could have I let myself be used like this? HOW COULD I? I never let anyone make me feel so low, and I just do not understand how I could let you. It's NEVER worth it even if we would have gotten married. What the hell was wrong with me? You told me at the end you do not want the mess we had? HOW DARE YOU? DO YOU REALLY * * * * ING THINK I DID? Did you not see how much I tried changing and working on our issues and stopping that miserable way of communicating? If you truly did not want that, why did you never even make an attempt to work with me, to be a team, to make compromises and to change that mess and to be NICE to each other? No....I think that is EXACTLY what you wanted. Because it gave you justification in staying while it was convenient and then leaving. You did NOT act like someone that wanted to make it work. You were USED to crap like that, could take it without a hitch, and could bounce out whenever you finally got what you wanted. You have been so beaten up that you no longer feel anything do you, and you think others should handle it just as well. ME? I have never had such an abusive, disrespectful, heartless, and empty relationship with anyone. You want to know how it's not me? Because I wasn't taught to be like that. I had no idea how to be like that till I met you. It's you and all the * * * * ed up men you allowed to treat you like * * * * and use you. It's you doing to me what they have done to you and I warned me and you from the beginning to not allow that to happen. You were right when you first said I don't deserve that. I DIDN'T! And you should have let me walk out the door the first week I met you when you KNEW you could not commit or be with me in the same way I was with you. But you didn't. You jumped on me and * * * * ed me for all the wrong reasons and I knew then. You did it, not because you were ready and wanted to be with me. But because you NEEDED me to help you in a new place and didn't want to be alone. And no...I'm not happy and not grateful for the sex and some money you gave me. Cause I never wanted to JUST * * * * you and the only reason I took your money was because I thought we'd stick around for me to take care of you in return when you needed it. No baby. You are too chicken * * * * and a coward to open up to someone, someone that stood there, even after all the crap and proved to you that they can and will love you just as you are because of what they did to you in the past! No baby, you act like a freaking man, and you wanted me to be grateful for it. I will never play that role, because there's only room for one man in a relationship and that is me. You need to learn how to be a woman and leave the man's role to the man. You will go right back to another abusive * * * * * that will treat you like dirt, like how you are used to. But I won't be there to pick you up next time. Find some other idiot!!! PS: And why do I feel so gay after doing all this?
  3. We both set out to accomplish the same thing. You were stronger, less emotional and more detached than I was. All this because you cared a lot less. You had the power from the start. I made excuses of why I wasn't taking care of what I needed to. I know they were excuses. I should have been stronger. As it stands I wasn't, but that didn't mean the fact I felt you cold, the fact I saw you pulling away while never having the courage to say it to my face, the fact you couldn't commit to anything, give me a genuine compliment or even make me feel wanted...THE FACT I SENSED YOU DIDN'T LOVE ME OR CARE ABOUT ME...DIDN'T affect every part of my life. IT DID. The WERE REAL feelings! My suffering when you left me WAS NOT A * * * * ING ACT! The fights, the pointless arguments, the rejection....ALL of it affected me to the core while you were able to go on about your life, detached and only mildly affected. I think sometimes they were actually your way of just releasing your anger. ME? I couldn't sleep at night. I couldn't work the next day. I let it pull me attention away from me to focus on how to fix our problems in our relationship and when I couldn't get anywhere I would bury it in my addictions to not have to face them because I felt it was hopeless and had no one to work with. Should it affect me like that? No, it should have not. Was I weak? Yes. I shouldn't allow my relationship with you to affect the rest of my life. But I am not there yet. I have not reached that point where I can be as detached as you. I had not gotten to the point where I could turn off my feelings so I could concentrate on myself without taking you into consideration. And sometimes I even wonder if I would ever really want to be like that. It's something I will continue to struggle with but in the mean time I'll take comfort in knowing there IS some good in not being a completely selfish bastard and will continue to put others first when life calls for it. But there is always another side, isn't there? At least I knew this about myself and I never denied my shortcomings to myself or to you. Most of the times it wasn't even necessary for you to point them out. You wanted me to change as much as I wanted me to change. But I do not know if I will ever be able to change this part of me. I will be satisfied if I can at least learn how to deal with my addictions, and my issues so I can live a positive life. I tried to explain that to you, but you had no intention of listening or making even the smallest of changes with how we acted with each other to help me keep my head above water. You were very inconsiderate, not just of me, but everyone around you. How could you never see the things you were criticizing me for were exactly the same things I could turn back around and say to you? What was the point? How could I ever make you see that THAT was our biggest problem? Even when I would stop our fights, step back and help point them out? How could you not see the verbal abuse that was taking place, and why would you not want to do something about it? How could you not understand the times I caught you in lies, hiding things, the breaking of my trust depressed me to the core? You wanted me to move past that, and act in a serious way, move in with you, when you were screwing me behind my back? When you had no intention on working on YOUR issues and regaining trust? And when I would bring this up, "I was too sensitive or always had something to complain about?" Screw you! Who do you think you're kidding? Are you * * * * ing insane? Even if I had my personal life together, would it have made a freaking difference if we didn't fix THOSE issues? And at the end you wanted to remain friends and simply have me accept that "it just didn't work out"? That we just "didn't work together", without you having to offer even the smallest apology for how you treated me? You're right, we "didn't work together" because it takes TWO people to make it work. I STILL believe we could have worked great together if you actually decided to put in effort. No no baby. That would have been way too convenient for you and way too desperate on my part to accept you telling me "it just didn't work out" and leave it at that. To this day, you refuse to take responsibilities for your half of the mess. And to this day, I will deny you the opportunity to put that blame on me! You can run, you can deny it, but they are yours to carry and keep. Whether you ever face them now or later, that is up to you, but sooner or later they will catch up to you. Just remember that I was the one that understood, accepted, and still saw the good in you, even though you only saw the worst in me! I didn't ask for anything from you that I could not willingly give you. And just because you still don't have the guts to face it and tell me the truth, it doesn't mean I am not aware: I KNOW WAS JUST A REBOUND FOR YOU! I don't even need closure from you because I already know this. I don't need to hear it anymore. You think you can find a better guy with less problems that will make you happy. I hope you do, but something tells me that guy is going to want a girl without problems as well, and at that point, I have a feeling you will realize there are just some things about you, you cannot change either, and you will then wish to settle for someone that understand you and accepts you as you are. When you get there, remember that you had that guy but you couldn't return the favor! In the end I leave you with this. I truly do wish you the strength, clarity and mental peace to work on your end, and realize that you do not have to ignore your problems, but rather accept them and love yourself with them. Then maybe you can accept someone else's problems AND still love them...the bad and the good.
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