corgidude

I'm afraid I'll never fully understand what happened between us. Things were so good for so long, and toward the end of February and the beginning of March, I could tell something wasn't quite right. You didn't seem like yourself, and I know it began to affect my behavior as well. I became grumpier because I knew something didn't feel right, and I'm sure that that didn't help things at all. Yet, instead of trying to talk to you, I just decided it was in my head, and left it at that. Then came that night, that horrible horrible night when you said you didn't want to live together anymore. I was already in a bad mood, and that just crushed my spirits. We fought and I hated every second. All I wanted was to hear you say you didn't want to leave me. When we made up, or at least I thought we had... holding you in my arms never felt so good. And then when Monday came, and you went back to your decision, I was crushed and went through it all over again. I felt lost and confused; what had the past year and a half been for? When you found out you were pregnant, I was as supportive as I could be. I had hoped we would work things out, and even let myself get a little excited at what our future could be like. -Instead, you had an abortion, once again crushing my spirits. I quit talking to you, because I didn't know what to say. I was so HURT by your decisions. When you asked me to go for a walk with you to the store, I didn't want to go because I just didn't know what to say. I wish I had now. I wish I had tried to talk to you, and tried to get past my anger. The following Wednesday, the last night we ever spent together, I felt like maybe we were getting back on track. We'd talked, goofed around with each other, and began to feel like old times. I was trying to figure things out on Thursday, when you said you were going out. If I had known that meant you were never coming back, I would have tried to talk things out then. Instead, you didn't come home and I just got mad because you didn't even bother to tell me you were staying elsewhere. And when you never came home the second night, I just got even more upset. And then you came home, sat down and told me it wasn't working out. Between my annoyance with your behavior and my shock at you saying that, I just agreed with you. I should have asked you to stay. I should have chased after you. I should have done ANYTHING except just sit there and let our relationship die with just a whimper. I was never as happy with anyone as I was with you. And you, of all people, wound up being the one person who hurt me the most. Nobody has ever hurt me as deeply as you have, ever. What happened to the girl who used to light up when I showed up at her work just to say 'hello?' What happened to the girl who began talking about "our wedding" like it was just a matter of fact? What about the time when you got so violently sick, and I stayed by your side as much as my time and job allowed? Did I ever mean anything to you? How could you just turn your back on me, especially when I know you were hurting too? After we broke up, you had to fight back tears when I told you it was good to see you... if you were hurting that bad, why not just try and fix things? Why did you just have to give up? Why weren't all the experiences we'd shared not worth trying to fix things? And why are you now acting like I'm your enemy, like talking to me is the worst possible thing in the world you would ever have to do? I love you so much, and it hurts every day I wake up and you're not there. Why am I hurting so bad, and yet you seem like you couldn't be happier now that you're finally rid of me? All I wanted was to be together. I was even willing to slip back to where we were casually dating, just to allow you the space and time you felt like you needed. There are times when I hurt so bad, I wish we'd never met, just so I wouldn't have to go through this. But at the same time, I have so many happy memories, the idea of losing them is painful as well. Now you're gone, and I'm here alone and broken. Nobody has ever made me feel this miserable. Nobody has ever caused me this much pain. Yet the person who claimed to have loved me so much not that long ago has managed to hurt me in ways I never thought possible. I truly loved you, and I hate that it wasn't until you were gone that I learned exactly how deep my feelings for you ran. You were always there for me when I needed you. Whenever I was hurting, I could turn to you. But now, when I'm hurting the most, I can't turn to you, because you're the reason I'm hurting so bad. And despite everything you've done to hurt me, I still miss you. I still wish I could fall asleep with you in my arms. My life feels so much emptier now that you're no longer a part of it. I just wish I knew why you didn't even want to try.

Day 16 Broke NC slightly yesterday, only because she texted me to ask for the account info to separate our cell phones. (she's on a shared plan under my name) I emailed her back the info, and asked if I could get some boxes from her since I have to move out of my (formerly OUR) apartment at the end of the month, and told her I also found some glassware that goes to her kitchen set. (and yes, I realize seeing her to pick up boxes & give her stuff back means back to square 1 on NC) So far, NO reply. Oddly enough, I find myself kind of pissed off about that. I don't know why, but I am, and it feels... well, good. It's nice to have some other emotion toward her to latch onto, even if it's only temporary. However, this morning was rough. I'm not exactly a religious person, but I've found myself praying a lot to any higher power that might be listening to help me. -Either there's nobody up there listening to me, or the answer is just a resounding "NO" with no explaination. I've teared up, choked up, and my eyes have watered slightly, but so far I haven't completely broken down and cried, so that's good. I'm also slightly embarrassed that I've probably shed more tears about this than she has... such is the life of the dumpee, I guess.

Day 13 Yesterday was a rough day for me. I had to call the cell phone company to separate our phone lines. I actually started to break down on the phone with the service rep. It was just one more cruel reminder that our life together was completely severed. Even now, just typing this, the memory still stings. There are times when I feel a bit better, and the misery monkey isn't constantly riding on my back. NC is tough, without a doubt. I miss talking to her, I miss seeing her, and I don't know if I'd have the strength to say 'no' if she ever asked me to come over for anything. -She texted me last Thursday about whether or not I wanted the boxes she had used to move out for my own move at the end of this month. I dunno if it was a way to see me without acting like she missed me, or if she was just trying to be nice. I told her we could figure something out after she got back from her trip over the weekend, but haven't heard a word from her since. As dumb as it sounds, I'd probably break NC for just the excuse to see her again. I guess I'm still clinging to some small shred of hope that she still has feelings for me.

Day 11 My stupid subconscious won't give me break. I still dream about her, and in my dreams we're back together and happy. When I wake up, I'm almost instantly miserable because none of it was real. I talked to a mutual friend (more her friend than mine) today and asked about how she was doing. We chatted briefly, and made plans to hang out later in the week. No lie, I'm hoping to maybe get someone on my side to help me with this, but I'm also looking at it as a way to try and expand my social circle, which is something I never really tried to do when she and I were dating. This evening took a somewhat surprising turn, for the first time, I don't feel so overly depressed. I still want to get back together, but for some reason, my misery has ebbed away. I'm hoping this feeling lasts for a while, it's nice not feeling absolutely miserable for a change.

Day 10 Still not feeling any better. I miss her like crazy, and I've yet to go a day without crying at least once. She sent me a text last night asking me if I wanted any of the boxes she'd used to move (something I'd asked her about when she was moving out). Her text read, "Hi! Do you still want all of these boxes to use when you move? I was thinkin of tossing them soon." I waited a couple of hours (even though I had nothing else to do) then replied back "Hey, been busy tonight... I could use the boxes for my move. We can figure something out after you get back. Hope your trip goes well." (she's leaving town for 3 days to visit some friends starting this morning) I know the core idea of NC is NO contact, but following the M3 System (yes, I downloaded that) says that Limited Contact is fine, if necessary. I dunno, maybe I should've not replied at all? I don't want her to think I'm completely shunning her out of my life, because I'm still holding out hope that we can reconnect. I replied just to keep from closing down all communication, as well as the fact that I really could use some boxes to move. I still don't feel any better. Not talking to her is painful... we lived together for almost a year, and it's hard not being able to share my life with her anymore. I know I'm probably clinging to false hope. I've never hurt like I'm hurting now, and I've never been this depressed for this long.