Up and Down

Very wise words, people throw out, "lets break up" way too easily without understanding the gravity of it. I don't want an on/off relationship either, maybe next time will take a page out of your book...next time I am in a relationship.

Soon tobex, I have been reading your story and with my recent break up with my ex only two years has given me insight of what my married life would be like. I am no saint mind you but I try to fix some of my faults, however some of the traits your wife has, no patience, always right, biting peoples heads, quick to be angry off are all too familiar. The flip side to that is she is the sweetest, most generous girl I have ever dated. Its quite bizarre at times. Sometimes I feel like I catch the brunt of her anger, maybe she uses all her patience up on everyone else who knows. I am a laid back person and try to go with the flow. So while she likes having a good time, she can be a royal pain if its not what she wants when she wants it. I too have heard the "well you should know what I want", rather than her tell me. She has said many times that I say what I mean, only later to change her mind. In any case your post made me wonder if the sweetness and generosity fade with time when someone can be so angry. I am sorry you are going through this, it seems like you really are a good guy trying to fix whats not right, but as its been said it takes two. One person alone cannot fix a relationship. Maybe reading your posts has saved me from lots of pain down the road. Its only recently that I am truley exploring a lot of me exe's bad behaviours, this has just been quite eye opening. I think she was caught up in the fantasy of a relationship and marriage versus the reality. Oh well, its out of my hands now.

Start no contact. Get out of the house with friends, even if you are mopping and don't want to. Start new hobbies, meet new people. I know some of this may sound cliche, but it helps a lot. Having good friends or just a single one to hang out with and to vent to is good to. Sometimes even though you may not need advice just saying your pains out loud helps relief some of the pressure and thoughts. Another good thing is to start a journal and vent in there when ever you get mad. Try not to censor yourself just right as thoughts come into your head. Its good therapy, I don't typically keep a journal but have found it therapeutic after break ups. I know I have closure when I can look at it and throw it out, I just did so recently...was actually three books, bad break up. But it felt wonderful to throw them out, realized I had let go. Do nice things for yourself to, new haircut, clothes etc. Hope this helps.

I think you are giving her too much and she is taking you for granted. Since today is her birthday you should wish her a happy birthday. However after today i would start to back off a lot, essentially start NC, she has to miss you or realize that she is taking you for granted. Otherwise, she will just keep on doing the same thing over and over again. Its going to be REALLY hard, hang out with friends, don't make plans in the week with her, let her contact you, and if your schedule works out maybe you can hang out, keep it light, but don't change plans for her. Thats my two cents, Hope it helps, Sorry I know things must suck right now but it will get better.

I have storng feelings for my ex, and for a while(a year after we broke up) I tried the friendship thing staying best of friends etc. Hoping to show her that I really loved her. I have still dated in that time, but I would always think of her and occasionally she would ask about the girls and I woud be honest, but I did not volunteer the information as I did not thinkit appropriate. But I realised about two months ago that I was just torturing myself and began no contact. She contacts me every two weeks or so and we chat briefly. I usually try to get off the phone first. I know she has been kindling a romance with a guy from her high school in California, (we live in Orlando) which is another part of the reason that I started NC, as I realised that seeing her with someone else would not be pleasant for me. Anyway this past weekend she called me to ask for a favor, she needed to borrow money($400) as she was in a bind(she is good for it, I am not worried about her not paying me back, sure I will have it in a week or so) and I have the money so it was not a struggle. Anyway she briefly mentioned in the last month that she was going to California, sort of in passing, I did not ask any more questions. Then mor recently when I ran into her at the gym she asked if she had told me that she was goign to California. I just said yes she had mentioned it, but did not ask any questions about it. Anyway this weekend when I stopped by to give her the money, one of her friends called and was asking what she was up to and California came up...she talked about it briefly, but said to her friend its a bit weird to talk about. I assume because I was there. She did say that they had talked about dating but don't think so as they ar far apart. Which strikes me as odd as knowingher personality she jumps into situations and asks questions later. I almost think its worse that they don't date as now she will have this guy thats sort of their romantically but not fully enough to realize how hard it is to have a commited relationship with someone and how much compromise it can take. Anyway my point is she obvioulsy felt a bit awkward and did say to her friend, "she doubts their will be any "juicy stories"' this converstaion sort of made me dizzy. Anyway, am I supposed to ask non chelantly about the cali situation or just ignore it and not ask in depth questions? Asking too many questions may seem jealous, not asking any may seem callous or that I care too much to ask....Anyway I finished looking at some of her pictures from her recent trip to spain and left, she is supposed to look at my pics from my recent trip to Germany and London, but I am not going out of my way to show them to her. So when we talk, assuming its after her Cali trip should I inquire about California and her new romantic interest or not ask any questions at all. I guess part of me thinks ignorance could be bliss in this situation. I guess I do want to see her happy, but also want her to see what she took for granted.

Terry, I have been down the road of being a shoulder to cry on and maintaining the friendship (even though you really want more). Its as my name says, up and down. We hung out all the time and had fun and talked all the time as friends,emotional support for one another. There are feelings there, or were, that were more than friends. Anyway ask yourself this, are you going to be able to handle it when she starts talking about guys in a romantic way, what about when she starts seriously dating someone else. I didn't keep my life centered around her, but we did do a lot of things together still. I still went out with my friends on Fridays and Saturdays, sometimes she came, but its difficult. I remember one night when some guy was trying to pick her up and she expressed interest, it was hard on me...and I get meet my fair share of women when out, so it s not that I am lonely as to why I miss her, I just miss her. Anyway even though your life is moving on some, it will be hard until you have some time and emotional distance between you two. Maybe after that things can be fine, but trust me if she starts dating someone else while you have been her shoulder to cry on, it will tear you up. Those are my thoughts for what they are worth.

Sorry to hear about your heart break. I am not sure of his intentions as I don't know him, he might not of told you about the other girl as he may not of wanted to hurt your feelings. However he is lying to you about it, which is understandable as to why its bothering you. I know with my exes, especially after the break-up I do not volunteer that I am dating someone, however if they ask I answer their questions honestly, some people just don't want to know...along the lines of ignorance is bliss. OK thats off on a tangent. Anyway really I understand how you feel, when you have had such a strong connection with someone, its hard to imagine your life withour them, its like they have died, its almost worse because they are still there. However the best thing to do is to let go, start no contact. Otherwise you are going to start to analyze everything they(he) does and wonder what it means...it will drive you crazy, trust me I have tried being friends after the break up in hopes of getting my ex back. But it causes, me at least, to act out of character...and thats not the person they fell in love with anyway. The point to no contact is both to let the person you miss, miss you as well, but more importantly to give you a better perspective of your relationship...sort of a way to step back and really think, was that person the person I really thought they were, or through the cloud of the break up I have painted them to be someone that they really aren't, only remembering the good, not the bad. During a break-up I think people always remember all the good. Not to focus on the bad but sometimes you really need to take a step back and look at both, and make sure that all the good heavily out weighs the bad. No ones perfect...but the scales still need to be tipped to your advantage. Ok so to summarize, take some time to yourself, spend time with your friends, go out, even if you don't want to. Go to the gym go shopping, get a new outfit, cry, don't listen to sappy songs on the radio...do anything but contact him. At first it will really suck...but with time your heart and emotions will start to let him go and you can start to really think about the relationship and with time maybe it will work out and he will come back, but more importantly you will know what you want and who you are and what makes you happy...which are all very attractive qualities in a person, this way when and if you meet someone else they are meeting the true you. OK this was longer than I intended and somewhat tangential but I hope it helps. If you need to vent this board is a good place to do so, oh keeping a journal is never a bad idea either.

OK so about the graduation, (she graduates from MBA school this weekend) present I really want her to have it, it something I got in germany that I think she would appreciate. Its nothing big, just a small metal suitcase, size of a small lunch box, with places all over the world. She likes to travel and thought its a good little present now symbolizing that she now can. I sort of want to give it to her then go back to no contact, after I give it to her congratulate her, I have no reason to talk to her again. I don't want to be an ass and act like I forgot about her graduation. I have been there from the very begininning so it would seem rather calous to just ignore it like it didn't happen. I don't expect her to come back to me or anything, although part of me would maybe like that. But I do want to give it to her. Do you think its a big deal to do so, along with a card? Should I wait a while to give it to her, or just give it to her next week and then resume no contact? or neither Thanks for the advice

Ziggy, When you say I took myself for granted are you saying that I gave up too much of my time to her? But if I enjoyed that time is it the same thing, its not like I felt I made sacrifices to do stuff with her. I still hung out with my friends etc, going out at night with other people. Well I think she has a tendency (as do a lot of people) to fantasize about someone, to the point that the fantasy can not ever compete with the reality. Although I would think keeping the fantasy alive would be easier in a long distance relationship, because you don't deal with the day to day activities that can, be burdonsome on a typical relationship. So you go away meet them, everything is perfect. Then you dissappear for a little while then go back and do the same thing over again. Very unrealistic, anyway I am hoping it fails, not saying I would take her back if she came back, part of me says yes(my heart) my brain says we need a LOT more distance between us emotionally, so that there isn't tension from the old relationship. I guess I always love and keep on loving the people I have loved...sometimes I think its one of my biggest assets and biggest detriments at the same time, that I am too loyal. Anyway part of me still misses and ex from 3 yrs ago, that cheated on me in the end, I would never date her again but do wish it ended differently. So I will have to create a clean slate in life.....just hard I guess. Maybe I am fantasizing a little too.

Here's my story, I dated this girl for a year about a year ago, we broke up because she said she was commitment phobic, and she bought some books to read saying that if she can't date me she doesn't know who she can date, that I am wonderful and the best person she has ever dated etc. Even though we continued to see each other exclusively and act like best friends and be intimate. About a year and a few months ago we stopped being intimate and I had a job assignment in Canada for a few months. We still talked everyday and when I came back however she still loved hanging out with me and we did all the time, making plans together etc, she would call all the time to do things, however as friends, I was hoping she would see how much fun we had together still and how good i was to her. I now realize I should of cut her off and done no contact back then, as I believe she took me for granted and I was too available to her. Anyway we continued on like this as best friends calling each other updating with our daily lives. I wanted to be with her so bad, but since I couldn't, I started dating casually hoping that it would take her off my mind, but all it did was make me realize that I missed her more. Without being conceited I am a good looking guy, good job and generally a happy go lucky person. There are a lot of women that have and do want to date me, but I am just not interested I wanted to date this girl, she is the one that has my heart, later on she said she got bored with the relationship when our relationship came up again as opposed to what she said before, WTF. There is one girl that is interesting and there is some chemistry but she is in Canada and I am staying away from long distance relastionships and I have told her the same. Its funny that the women you don't want always want you and the women you do take you for granted. Obviously a generilization but I definetly feel this way now. I understand the whole challenge thing, but you shouldn't have to play games the whole time you are dating to keep someone interested. I am an independent person typically, but loved spending time with her, past realtionships. We had a good relationship and still hung out. I know you are thinking gluton for punishment. Anyway things were good until the beginning of the year as far as us being friends, but I was also realzing that I must let go as I would go through the ups and downs of when she wasn't around, I guess the analogy used is like that of being on drugs, a high when she is with you and low when she is not. I realized I was banging my head agains a wall, so I started to back off a little, obviously not enough. But I still missed her terribly and inevitably we would still talk...enough to keep my heart attached. I don't think she did it on purpose, maybe she liked the attention. But she has a good heart at least I would like to think so. Anyway at the beggining of the year some guy from her high school started e-mailing her and she became romantically interested. She has a tendancey to jump into relationships fast, I was hoping that it would be like that an infatuation and then fade as he was far away. This started back in February so I was hurt and backed off a little. He genuinely seems like a nice guy which makes it seem worse. However he lives in California and she lives here Florida. So for the past month or so we have had minimum contact and I miss her. We talked briefly albeit short last friday she called to say hi, but I avoided the call and called her back later. Converstaion was brief and we both got off at the same time. Anyway it was obvious to me that we could both tell that there is tension. I felt slighlty better this weekend as I just don't expect her to call anymore, but I obviously wish she would. Anyway a huge part of me wants her back....but I also don't think we could have a relationship now because of all the tension between us as well as she now has a new strong romantic interest. I made a point of not asking about him whenever we talked, sort of hoping it would fade away as he was so far away. Anyway today was a bad day, my two credit cards were stolen last night and I didn't find out until one of the company's called me this morning to ask about suspicous activity. Anyway turns out they were both stolen from my gym last night and the person has been having a field day, needless to say my blood is boiling and I am fuming...so I do the stupid thing of calling her to vent...she starts talking about her life and I talk about the credit cards, she then mentions casually how busy her life is, shes graduating from MBA school soon, going to spain and then to California. Thats when my heart skipped a beat. I didn't ask why, even though I wanted to but, I already know the answer, to go see the guy she has been conversing with for the past few months. It just made my day worse to think that soon she will be with this guy that is nice and she is romantically interested in...and to think about her being intimate with another guy is upsetting. Its hypocritical in a way, but I didn't want to date other people I wanted to date her....so yes I have been with other people, hoping to get her out of my mind but she has always been in the back of my mind. Which is why I have been avoiding seriously dating anyone as I don't like to date for the sake of it, nor when I can't put my heart into it. I know I should start no contact. She graduates this weekend and I had a small present for her, which I think I should still give her. I know it is not part of no contact, I was thinking about just leaving it in her car, with a card. Anyway I am still upset about her wanting to date this guy in California, I really want it to fail, I know online dating and long distance are prone to trouble I have done long distance so I am hoping the distance will work in my favor. Hopefully it ends so she can recognize how she took me for granted, but then again I guess everyone on this forum thinks the same thing. I have been through break-ups before(6 year relastionship and I keep telling myself I got through that I can do this)I so hate this, I know back to no contact. I know what I should do but it doesn't make me hate the situation any less. I guess I am venting and hoping that her long distance relationship fails. I know its bad to wish ill on people, but I just hate the fact that she took me for granted, maybe she just liked me around because she liked the company/conversation etc until someone else came along. I was doing a lot better this weekend until I heard about this California trip thing now I am down again and the credit card thing is annoying as hell too. I guess all I can do is stop contact and sit back and watch. Does it make sense to even talk to her every once in a while. After say a few months of no contact, so that she does not forget me entirely, as in out of site out of mind?