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AlxEss

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Apprentice (3/14)

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  1. The fact of the matter is that you threw away a rewarding, evolving and intensely close relationship with someone very special and rare all because you didn't think you had the courage to look inside yourself. I had a hard time letting go of you, of losing any perceived control over you because I knew that you'd always take the comfortable and easy way out. I guess it's just bad luck that you had another microcosm to delve into once your problems caused you to distance yourself from me and from life. And while I'm still angry that you were able to replace me physically and emotionally in so little time, I'm more disappointed in your choice than anything else. I fell in love with you because you were strong, resolute, knew what you wanted and went about getting it. But with what you've done, it shows me how weak and immature you really are. You had a perfect opportunity to look inside yourself to address problems that have plagued you for your whole life. But instead you chose to jump into another situation where you feel loved and wanted, where you can control who you see and how they see you. You're a very special girl but until you become a woman, I can't have anything to do with you.
  2. Today would have been our two-and-a-half year anniversary. Something was bothering me today and I didn't know it was that but once I figured it out, I got punched in the stomach all over again. This is probably just another day for you. Another day where you bury your feelings for me and try to move on with your life. Another day that you're with someone else instead of looking deep within yourself to solve your problems, as I'm trying very hard to do. The day probably means nothing to you. You're not coming back and I've accepted that but these anniversaries/special dates are always the hardest. I feel like I'm back on square one when they come. But that's not true, 6 months ago when you were even so cold and distant on our 2 year anniversary(!), when I had to walk to your house from the train when every single time you picked me up, I should have known you were pulling away from me. But it's not my fault. Your problems are your problems and I made them mine for way too long. I even made apologies for your harsh words and contradictory actions toward me. Well no more of that. The next very tough day will undoubtedly be your birthday. I will reach out but expect nothing in return and if you do try to converse with me I will stand my ground, I will utter the same line over and over: "I apologize but unless you've read the books I've suggested to you or want to get help, there is no reason for me to talk to you." I will say it over and over until it's true. But mostly likely you'll ignore my text or just say something generic "lol thanks" while you try to bury your feelings for the day. You say you feel too guility to ever come back but while away, I wonder if that guilt has lessened. How could it? You chose not to work on yourself and refused to work on our relationship when I offered out my hand, even after you spit in my face every time. You should feel guilty, and I'm not going to be the one to take it away.
  3. I gave you everything I had to give, treated you like a Queen and you spit in my face, again and again. You're everything I could want in a girl but you're also a coward, a child and have serious mental issues you'll never work on. You told me you left me to work on yourself but instead you jumped into another situation where you are pined after and everything is A-OK as long as you can control who you can and can't see, huh? I can't ever be with you again because you'll just do this to me over and over and I can't ever be your friend because I care too deeply to see you suffer unnecessarily when you need to take a deep, hard look in the mirror. I deserve to be treated better. I thought you respected me, but you acted in the contrary. You're not worth my time and I can't wait til my heart actually believes so.
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