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Gerda

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Gerda last won the day on June 4 2011

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  1. Hey, guess what? I NO LONGER LOVE YOU. THAT'S RIGHT. I. NO LONGER. LOVE. YOU. WOOOOOOOOOOO. I'm not going to be a turd like you and pull the "I never loved you," BS. I don't have to lie. I did love you--but I don't think I do any more. For some time now I've been saying, "He's nothing to me." It's only now starting to ring true. You are nothing to me. We're not friends, never were. You were one of the worst people I've ever known. You were a liar and a COWARD. I pity your new girlfriend. Say, how many new guys has she friended on FB lately? A dozen or is it two? Hehe. Oh, don't worry--I'm sure she's just "really friendly." I'm sure it's perfectly normal for a guy's girfriend's pics to be liked by multiple strange men every time she posts it, yet no females. Oh yes, they're all just buddies I'm sure it has nothing to do with her being desperate for male attention or her flirting with every man she meets. I mean, I routinely have multiple men "like" my pics--Oh wait, no I don't, because I respect my partner and don't feel compelled to befriend every male I meet under some guise of being friendly, when it's really just to feed my ego. Husband knows the people on my friends list, and there aren't any of them posting sleazy drawings of me either--but don't worry, that was him posting that, it's not like she identified with a girl with her boobs hanging out--oh wait, yes she did! But don't worry about that, a woman can dress sleazier than a two-dollar hooker and still be moral and trustworthy. -snicker- And now you can see the difference between the two of us. Lady in the street, freak in the sheets, or freak on the streets, nothing [for you] in the sheets--one is me, one is her. My husband's a happy man. I'm so glad I didn't listen to your lies, your BS, your ridiculous attempts to convince me to leave him for YOU of all people, truly one of the lowest men I've ever had the misfortune of meeting. He's smarter than you, funnier, more talented, a better person, better looking, more well endowed, more confident, handier, more responsible, more trustworthy, more moral...altogether a prize, thank God he forgave me for my year of utter stupidity with you. I should probably be thanking you--thanking you for helping me get my marriage back together by trying to destroy it, thank you for making me appreciate my husband by being so far inferior to him. And as inferior as I've felt to your girfriend all this time--I know I am not. I won't say I'm superior, no reason to think that despite all my previous comments. But I know I hold my own against her. I think we both know she's doesn't hold a candle to me intellectually. I mean seriously. I've seen the mindnumbing garbage she posts on her page. I'm not going to lie--she seems like a sweetheart (probably way too good for you--did I say probably? I meant definitely.) But you're not ever going to find much depth with her, let's be honest. She seems more like a child than an adult--even more of a child than you, and that's saying something. So goodbye for now. I still check your page sometimes (frequently), but I'm starting to control myself, to understand that there is no reason for me to be looking, there's nothing there for me to see. I'll get there. And when I get there, you and your girl will probably be starting to have problems (I mean....MORE problems), as your "honeymoon" phase winds down....ah, it's gonna be great. I look forward to your desperate attempts to reopen the lines of communication. I know you'll do it (again), sooner or later. You'll have a down day, some day when you miss having me to talk to, and you'll think of coming grovelling back, begging for me to forgive you. Not gonna happen.
  2. I feel that we need to talk. There are conversations that were never had, and the need to have them isn't going to go away. I think both of us need it, if only to stop the flow of negative energy I'm sending your way 24/7. I hate saying this, but I think I kind of hate you. Can you reflect on all that has transpired between us and figure out why? If not, i will fill you in, it's only that I don't want to do what I perceive as beating a dead horse, but I'm only making assumptions here so I figured I'd ask. But I have to ask, because your behavior indicates you do not understand that I at least have every reason to hate you, and few reasons to think fondly of you. I actually loved you, and I still do. The things I said were true. Everything I did for a year was based on me thinking the things you said were real, were true. And now you say they were not, and think we are still friends? And you know the worst thing about it all might surprise you, because the truth is that I can deal with you being with another girl--I won't go into the obvious reasons why. But your actions not only negated your entire year's worth of seemingly earnest professions of love, they also negated even that we were ever true friends, and you KNOW how much our friendship meant to me! I am left to accept that the person I thought was my best friend, who loved me truly, was really a terrible person and not a friend at all, and never even loved me. How can I accept that? And the very WORST part is that I know you do not deserve my devotion. It's so infuriating, but I want you to know there is nothing I can do to stem the flow of it, I've been trying for almost a year now. I am just sickeningly and self-insultingly devoted. To me it is, still, a curse. How dare you have gotten so mad at me for correctly identifying you as the band of my existence...ugh, and to think how guilty I felt, and how profusely I apologized. You know what I want, is for you to show that you really are the person I thought you were. The truth is that I know that you are when forced to make my head hurt bending it into thinking logically and rationally. But you are not showing me that side, not at all. It feels like you are deliberately withholding something from me, something that would actually help me to move on. I am like a computer program, "hung up" because of one line of code that doesn't make sense. I can't move on until it's set right. I need you to do this for me. We can be friends. We should be friends. But first...this.
  3. Today I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted. At first all these wishes came pouring out, all involving you realizing you made a mistake and coming back to me on hands and knees. After I thought along those lines for a long, long time, I quieted myself and it came to me, what I really wanted, more than anything. What I want, more than anything, is for you to just contact me and tell me you are sorry, that you shouldn't have said what you did, that you did love me and that I was special to you but it just couldn't work out. That's all I want. I feel like I could move on if you gave me that. I guess I just want to know that you care, or that you did care, or something. I feel like you and I were on a boat trip together, you took me to all these beautiful places--then you just tossed me over the side of the boat and sped off. I'm just sitting here, somewhere where I know nobody, I can see nothing. Why couldn't you just leave me where you found me? But anyway, yeah--I just want one email, one paragraph. One hint that I wasn't a complete moron so I can go on with my life without all this second-guessing of myself.
  4. Tonight is a bad night for me. I am feeling really sad because you never tried to contact me again. I thought we were such good friends, I guess I was wrong. How could you be so heartless? Now excuse me while I go try to get through life with this awful pain in my chest and stomach.
  5. Hello, M_____. Just wanted you to know that I am doing way better now than I ever was during the time we knew each other. I've lost almost 20 pounds since Christmas, so I'm just about as thin as I ever was when we were friends, and the weight is continuing to come off. So by this fall I should be back to my old self, the self I was years and years ago before years of obsessively playing that MMORPG and smoking weed turned me into a fat, lazy slob. Financially me and husband are the best off we have ever been, we do not have stresses any more (for the time being anyway) about money and I've been able to spend money on myself once again. I've gotten more haircuts so far this year (3) than I ever did the entire time you and I were friends (0). I've been taking better care of myself and have developed a taste for beauty stores like Ulta--so much fun. Whereas when I was with you I was using the same old eyeshadow I'd bought years before because I couldn't afford anything new, now I can toss that stuff out, and whereas the whole time I knew you the only "hairstyle" I ever used was a ponytail, now I have an assortment of curling irons, velcro rollers, and a flat iron so I can have some variety. I'm working on building back up my wardrobe. I don't have to unbutton my jeans any more and sit slouched in front of my computer waiting to see you make my day and sign on. I'm continuing to improve my personal health, eating less fast food, drinking more water, getting regular sleep at good hours, taking a multivitamin, and not constantly eating Oreos or ice cream. My dog is doing better than ever--she's getting healthier after a much-needed visit to the vet and has been nicely groomed so she looks great. I'm guessing she's pretty happy that now I just take her out whenever she needs to go instead of making her wait until the dungeon or battleground is over. Speaking of which, I'm not wasting so much time sitting playing that stupid video game. Sometimes I really miss it and it makes me so sad that you ruined it for me, but I know that it's for the best--I'd been trying to quit for good so many times in the past, really I should be THANKING you for making the game such a horror to me now. My health is good. I'm going to get my eyes LASIKed very soon, probably within the next month. And once I have done that, I will have gotten the two things I wanted more than anything in the world this year--two things I honestly didn't think would even ever happen! How blessed I am. Also within the next month husband and I are hoping to buy our first house (in the loan process right now, but it's looking really good.) And it's not just any old house, not just some run down fixer-upper with the same bathroom tile from decades ago, it's a beautiful newer home--really beautiful, so much prettier than I'd been hoping for! If we get the one we have made an offer on, it will be the nicest home I've ever lived in my entire life. I've never lived in a home with a functioning garage. I've never lived in a home that had separate family and living rooms. I've never lived in a home with a fenced in yard. I've never lived in a home with a separate breakfast nook and formal dining room. We're even getting an awesome refrigerator--one of those cool ones with double doors and the freezer on bottom. Better dishwasher and stove, too--one of those nice flat ones so crumbs don't fall below the burners and burn and smell every time you cook on them. Not only are there hardwood floors, but they are beautiful new hardwood floors. I wanted to garden--and this house already has 3-4 garden patches SET UP with some tomatoes even already started! We're going to not only have a real guest bedroom, but office space, a rec room, and if I want it a special place just to be my art studio. I won't have to drag out and put back all my paints and easels and palettes--my paintings can just sit on the easel as they dry, too. Never lived in a house with three baths before--including such a lovely guest one on the first floor. My dog is going to have her own backyard for the first time in her life--I never thought I'd see the day! She's 14, and I didn't dare hope she'd live to see this day, but God willing in about a month she will be able to roam free in her own fenced in yard or sit in the grass with the wind blowing in her face, with no leashes to bind her. Finally, I can sing in the shower or watch movies as loud as I want without worrying about bothering the neighbors. I can do aerobics without worrying about the bouncing sound bothering people downstairs, and we can play Rock Band--with the drums this time. So this is not me bragging, this is only me celebrating how good God has been to me. As much as I have felt pain at your hand the past two months, I hope he will be as good to you. I am not over you, but things are so much better than they were. I wonder if you will ever know how much, how dearly I loved you. For a while I hated you, and it was so hard for me to pray for you or to think good things about you, but that time is passing. I still love you fiercely, M_____, and I think I will no matter what, just as I said I would. My hopes are the same as they were back when I talked to you about them--I hope to meet you one day, and I hope some day you will throw your arms around my neck and tell me I was right. All of the pain I have experienced the past 3+ months would have been worth it a hundred times over if that happens. Anyway, while I am getting way better, I know I'm still not healed completely, because every time I see the name of your city I want to stab whatever computer or TV I see it on. Repeatedly. I still feel such bitterness and such disappointment over the way things worked out, but it's going to get better. Not that it ended, but how it ended. I still wish you would have not cut me off completely, it felt so heartless and cruel coming from you. We could have maybe still been friends, husband did not require I stop talking to you when I told him about us. I wish you had had the courtesy to talk to me about all that, it was such a painful time for me. I also wish you had at least thanked me for the last gift I sent you, honestly you are an ill-mannered little jerk for failing to do so. You never even acknowledged it, and do you think it was no effort to purchase it, wrap it, package it, and send it? More than you ever did for me. I feel that anger coming back, so I'll close. I look forward to the day when I'll be truly happy for you for finding love with somebody else. My hope is that we can get back in touch and stay in touch, but I don't want to be your friend if I'm just a backup because you've got nothing better going on. If you still value our friendship, please contact me at some point. If I mean nothing to you except a boost to your ego when you need it, please don't even waste my time. I will be praying for you, M____, praying that God will bless you even a tenth as much as he has blessed me. I pray that you will be strengthened and go do the great things that I believe you are capable of. I still think you are a gem. I think you would make a great Marine. I believe in you, you are a special person with special talents and they should be used for good. Stop playing that stupid game. Do great things IRL like we talked about, it's so much more worth it. Take care of yourself, take care of your family. Read the books I sent you, especially the first two. Don't be a jerk. Goodbye.
  6. I can't listen to any music any more, because it almost all reminds me of you. I can't play that game ever again, even though I want to, because it will now always be associated with this awful sorrow. I can't even stand to be on my PC any more, because that's where I always talked to you. I can't stand to even be in the office half the time, because that's where I always talked to you. I can't even have an orgasm any more without thinking of you. But I think I'm finally getting better.
  7. I just want you to know that you have ruined my life. Every day for the past month has been like torture. I honestly feel like this pain is coming close to killing me. Next time you want to fill a girl's head with a bunch of nonsense about how much you love her and want to be with her forever--don't do it unless you are totally sure that what goes around doesn't come around, because trust me you don't want to deal with the pain I am experiencing because of you. Oh, and congratulations, you've ruined not just my life, but my husband's as well. And why? WHY? Were you just that desperate for companionship that you didn't think of how it might affect other people? Why did you always fight me when I tried to end this--only to drop me flat a year later? Remember ALL THOSE TIMES I said we needed to stop, because there was no happy ending, because you were going to break my heart, because my husband didn't deserve this, because it was never going to work out and the sooner we ended it the less pain would be involved. AND YOU ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS FOUGHT AGAINST ME. Until you had your fill, I guess, and found somebody else to hop on to. I hope you pay. There was once a time when I genuinely loved you and wanted only your happiness. I used to pray for you so much, pray that you would find a fine, wonderful woman. I don't feel that way any more. You need to suffer for what you did to me. I could have totally dealt with us parting ways, it's the way you did it that killed me. I still can't believe all the awful lies you said the day you broke it off--why did you do that? Did you think it would make it easier for me to get over you if I hated you? Well I don't need you to protect me by LYING to me and I never did. I could have at least had fond memories of our relationship, but now I look at it with absolute horror. You could have said, "I love you, but this has to end, I'm sorry. Goodbye." But instead you had to blame me for everything and paint me to be this awful person who you just couldn't tolerate any more. Even though I know it was all lies, it hurts me so bad. What am I supposed to believe? That you thought I was your "angel," and yet you just got tired of me? Got tired of having an angel? Really? That I was too good for both you and my husband--and that's why you had to desert me like this? Dammit I hate you for taking away my happiness. I just wish you had been honest with me so I could remember you fondly and move on. But instead I feel like I was conned for a year. I could have been sad I lost you but known it was for the best and at least known that you really loved me. But given your actions--how could I think you ever loved me? I don't think you ever did. So I can't remember you with any sort of happiness, only this awful sorrow that makes me want to stab myself in the chest. I messed up my entire life, threw away so many wonderful things...for some jerk who just told me lies and toyed with me. Husband and I may be splitting up. Yeah. I think the damage has been done. He is such a great guy who would give me anything, and yet I'm not in love with him any more because I gave my heart to you. I could have had everything I ever wanted this year--but now it is all ruined, absolutely ruined. I'll have to start out from scratch, with nothing. No job, nowhere to live, no family around here...Thanks. I hope you are happy.
  8. Please don't move on. Please come back to me. Do you not know I will receive you with open arms and a showering of kisses? My life has been complete misery since you abandoned me. You can't possibly be enjoying this, why are you doing this? Do you love me still? No, I guess you don't. I really loved you, though. Still do, and kind of wish I didn't and never had. I don't want to, but I guess I have no other choice than to move on, too. P.S. You're welcome for the gift. You know, the one you haven't even acknowledged in any way at all, not so much as one single "thank you." I don't know if it's because you haven't bothered to pick it up or because you just really didn't think it warranted a thank you. Either way...you're a jerk. At least you have actual three-dimensional evidence that I existed and loved you. I have nothing at all. You couldn't so much as write me a single letter. And as you run away you look more like a dog with its tail between its legs than a strong, confident man doing what he thinks is right. If only you, IRL, were anything like your character.
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