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Jeffrey

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  1. Thanks for the advice everyone. Actually I did leave her and I did tell her. I actually packed up all my belongings while she was away, put things in storage etc...then waited for her to come home. Obviously she was shocked when I told her. What I told her was pretty simple...that I couldn't live with her as a drinker...not just because of the drinking, but also because she gets mean when she drinks. To make a long story short, she convinced me to give her a chance to change. So I did. I moved back in immediately. AND SHE DID CHANGE! No she has not given up alcohol entirely, but she hasn't overindulged once since that time. Everything isn't rosey, but I can live with the situation, and I'm glad I stayed. I'm not sure I handled the situation correctly or not, but I did what I had to and the result is what I was looking for. Special thanks go to moderator "sisterlynch" for her counsel and guidance through it all!
  2. Well, yesterday was the big day, and things didn't go as I expected. I actually did move out of the house yesterday. When I told my wife why, she didn't react at all as I expected. We talked for many hours, and she agreed with most everything I said. She pleaded with me to reconsider, and asked that I give her, or give us a chance to work things out. At first I refused, I told it was too late, and that I wasn't sure if I loved her that much any more. But after a while I realized that I really did owe her the opportunity to work with me on this. I didn't think she would want to try, because I thought her pride would control her. Its clear that what I said was more hurtful to her. So I moved most of my stuff back in. We continue to talk and I will try to make this work…one more time. I'm still not sure staying married is what I want. Clearly I need more time to figure that out. But I learned a valuable lesson yesterday, that I can talk to her about these types of serious issues and she can react using some other emotion other than severe anger. I actually think what I did yesterday was the right thing. She absolutely knew I was serious…and I think that why she reacted more rationally. And it was frankly a good test run for me. If I have too, I no now that I can muster up the courage to pack my things and leave. All is not rosy, as after we talked rationally for hours, she then spent most of last night crying and asking me to say I didn't mean the things I said. I told her I can't let her hold this against me for the rest of my life, and I told she must control her drinking because it permeates every aspect of our lives. It's a start. I have mixed emotions about whether I should stay. Part of me isn't sure how much I like her any more. Part of me thinks she will still be too confining, too negative, too reclusive (we did talk about all that). Part of me was looking forward to a new life and dating new people. But I'll give it some more time, and I'll truly try to make it work, I'll even give it a few months…but just one more time. Thanks for all your help! Life sure does throw some curve balls.
  3. Thanks SwingFox and Bleeder. Good choice of lyrics from Steve Perry. I have two Journey live CDs in my car right now! I really appreciate your thoughts. Its the middle of the night, I can't sleep. But its interesting, the only thing on my mind is my fear of how she is going to react to my leaving. I have thoughts of her tearing the house up, or attacking me, or my worst fear, that she'll get drunk and jump in her car and crash into someone (she has a bad habit of getting drunk and getting in the car and driving around the neighborhood). What's interesting is I'm not layin awake at night questioning whether this is the right course of action, or whether I'll regret this. I only question getting her through the next few days and weeks. I hope her sister can help her. And I'll try to help her ...as long as she doesn't yell and scream and throw things. As I heard Dr. Phil say, "You can call me a son of a b!tch, but you're going to do it long distance." Thanks to all my new friends on enotalone! I'll keep you all posted...it appears that I'm going through with this .....(gulp)
  4. Background: See my other threads on the "Marriage" and "Divorce for Men" forums... Well, it's been a while since I've been on these forums, but here's the update. I'm going through with the separation tomorrow. I may still chicken-out before tomorrow morning, but right now that's my plan. After thinking about for the last few weeks, I came to the realiztion that the only thing stopping me was my concern for how she'd react and the upheaval it would throw into my life (and hers). These aren't a basis for continuing in the relationship. I talked to a few guys about marriage in general (they don't know of my strife) and I was amazed that many admitted that the only think the keeps their marriages together is they don't want to lose 50% of their assets. I was shocked. Its amazing the people who are "content" to have a shell of a marriage for the remainder of their lives. Still, I'm very uncomfortable with this decision. I'm frankly scared to death. Not of is it the right thing to do, but how stressful it will be to go through it. I was reading a book on this subject the other day and it asked an interesting decision point question: Would you be comfortable if asked or forced to renew your wedding vows? My answer is an easy no. So why is this decision so har to go through with. I guess, as my counseler pointed out, I'm a "conflict avoider", and I guess I'm about to create the greatest conflict a person can go through. Any words of wisdom?
  5. Well, it's been a while since I've been on these forums, but here's the update. I'm going through with the separation tomorrow. I may still chicken-out before tomorrow morning, but right now that's my plan. After thinking about for the last few weeks, I came to the realiztion that the only thing stopping me was my concern for how she'd react and the upheaval it would throw into my life (and hers). These aren't a basis for continuing in the relationship. I talked to a few guys about marriage in general (they don't know of my strife) and I was amazed that many admitted that the only think the keeps their marriages together is they don't want to lose 50% of their assets. I was shocked. Its amazing the people who are "content" to have a shell of a marriage for the remainder of their lives. Still, I'm very uncomfortable with this decision. I'm frankly scared to death. Not of is it the right thing to do, but how stressful it will be to go through it. I was reading a book on this subject the other day and it asked an interesting decision point question: Would you be comfortable if asked or forced to renew your wedding vows? My answer is an easy no. So why is this decision so har to go through with. I guess, as my counseler pointed out, I'm a "conflict avoider", and I guess I'm about to create the greatest conflict a person can go through. Any words of wisdom?
  6. I'd like to help you because I've been in your position before. But I'm a bit confused. You're in an "arranged" marriage? Arranged by whom and why? Is this for cultural or religious reasons? Although you say your married, you don't sound like you feel your married in your heart or your mind. Can your marriage be unarranged? My preliminary advice: Forget the married guy. You're clearly trying to tempt him into breaking his vows for your own pleasure. Don't break up a marriage you know nothing about. You could cause this guy unthinkable mental anguish. Don't assume he can can handle the mental aspects of infidelity. I've been there, I wouldn;t wish that torture on my worst enemy. If you have any respect for this guy, tell him you were mistaken and you just want to enjoy his friendship. If you want a fling, and are comfortable with that even while you are married, then go find some single guy. But if that's what you want to do, why are you still married? Clearly its not because of the religious conviction behind your vows. I hope you don't find this too blunt. I want to help you do the right things for you and all others involved.
  7. I can't add much to the advice from Hourglass, SisterLynch and Bleeder. I will say that as Bleeder indicates the decision to divorce is huge and in many cases irreversible. I think with kids involved you have an even higher obligation to do everything possible to work it out, especially since it doesn't sound like there is any physical danger in your marriage. If you feel the marriage is worth saving, then put all your focus into saving it and making it better. Put the concept of divorce out of your mind. If you unfortunately decide, that your marriage can't be saved or is not worth saving, then put all your energy into separating and divorcing in a way that is best for your kids first. Need help figuring out which path you should take? I found a book called "To Good to Leave, To Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirschenbaum very helpful in deciding my own direction. You may also, in addition to the both of you seeing a marriage counselor, wish to see a counselor on your own. I agree with the others though, and trying to read between the lines...I don't think either of you want a divorce. You probably just need to adjust your perception of what marriage is or should be. I wish you the best. And please keep us posted!
  8. Thanks Popeye for your thoughts! All the things you mentioned are why I've stayed married for over 19 years. I overlooked everything and came back for more. Although I'm not a religious person, I do believe in the commitment for life thing. But doesn't that go two ways? I figure if the other person doesn't think any higher of our marriage but to get ripped to the point she can't stand up, then start attacking me, both verbally and physically...then how strongly do I view our bond. I've been slapped, had things thrown at me, punched, choked, knocked into walls and over furniture, had a knife waved in my face, and a (unloaded) pistol pointed at me. She doesn't drink all the time. The problem is now I don't like her sober either. And in talking it thru with my counselor, I'm not sure how much I ever did. I find myself avoiding her, in many ways. Why does she drink? She claims she is so uptight all the time, she drinks to relax. Also she drinks to sleep. Anything even minor that doesn't go her way, she gets upset and grabs the bottle, so she can "blank out her mind" as she calls it. She's also obsessive compulsive and a little schizoid. Should I try to stay by her side through all the "sickness and health"?? As I said that's what I've been doing. Now, I think I'll take care of me. My counseler says I can't make others happy if I'm not happy myself. Her happiness is not my issue. I've totally made up my mind that I want to leave. I've retained an attorney, found a place to live, rented a storage facility and a PO Box, etc....but its so hard to make the leap. Even though its what I want, I know it will turn my life (and hers) totally upside down. I'll lose my house, a lot of my assets and a big chunk of my income. THIS IS the hardest decision a person could ever have to make. I wish she would tell me tonight she's met someone else, so I don't have to be the bad guy. Oh well, time will tell if I've done the right thing!
  9. Sarah, I have a life, albeit a little screwed up right now. But I wasn't the one talking about killing myself, remember? If you don't want any help, why are you hanging around this forum? It can't be for kicks! Regardless of your name calling, I wish you well.
  10. I have the same trouble reading females. But I've found out the hard way its better to find out and do something vs. doing nothing and risking losing her. She may want you to ask her out and she will misread your hesitancy as non-interest. I'd suggest two options: 1) ask her out on a casual date...make it low pressure, something like a movie and something to eat (or whatever else she really enjoys), then when you go to start your "date" show a little romance, like bring her a small boquet of flowers, or a small gift (jewelry, item, etc.). You'll tell a lot by her reaction. Try holding her hand, etc., but don't push it. She'll let you know if your intent is welcome! Or 2) Just ask her. I had to the exact same thing. Start by telling her friendship means very much to you, and you don't want to jeopardize it...but that you wouldn't mind if your friendship grows into something stronger. Remember the best relationships start as friendships. If she want the same, you'll have a great time. If she doesn't want to go beyond being friends, then cherish her friendship, and keep looking. Maybe she'll have a friend you'll like better. Tell us how it turns out. Best of luck!
  11. Sarah, Your first post said you were looking for advice or help. I'm trying. But you have to give me a little background. Have you talked to anybody yet?
  12. There's more to this. Sounds like a maturity or overall insecurity issue. I hate to say it, but this is not a good sign. Of course, I'm just hearing you're side. I'm assuming you were not obnoxous in any way in you winning. I'm betting she has no experience of ever competing at any thing.
  13. Can I ask, how you told your wife? Did/does she feel the same way, meaning she also sees no future in your relationship? I think my wife would want to stay married as long as I adore her, but the moment she finds out I don't, I think she'll want me out of her life as quickly as possible. The problem is if I even hint to her that I'm not happy and questioning the future of our marriage, she will get extremely angry (she is very thin skinned, and she has a horrible temper as well as very prideful). Was your wife surprised when you separated?
  14. Okay, tell me why you want to do it? And tell me why you might not want to?
  15. Sarah, maybe it would help if you told me/us what was causing you to feel this way? If you don't want to put that in this forum, send me a private message (using link at the top). Don't do anything rash. You've got the rest of your life to die, but you only have this moment to live. Trust me, some day you will look back on this time in your life and say "what was I thinking." Also, do me a favor, look at some of the other people's posts looking for advise. Offer your thoughts to them and try to help them. I think you'll find you'll enjoy it!
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