luvsomeone333

i guess im lucky to have best friends, im lucky to have them. i dont have the unfortunate life that dosent have a best friend, i cant see why it is hard but then again i never really thought about it. i remember when i was 10 crying getting bullied and i never thought id see the day where i would find a better life but i did and kids are cruel and total apes! i do love my best friend but i feel at times shes not here with me..shes thinking about her bf and what his doing... i mean come on every where we go his there what happen to just seeing her and her mind being there u know... i couldnt imagine doing that to someone if i had a bf its just gets annoying... i already hardly see her and yet she consistently invites him and i have nothing against the guy just that i want to spend time with my best friend for once you know ? i dont think it will happen and people are hard to change even if i want them too i cant control them even if it is with good intention somebody change for the good? id like to see that happen cause it seems like ive lots faith of trying to do something good for people.... am i crazy for thinking like this?

1 yr on and i still think about u...why cant it just finish like the last...why do i suffer, of revenge or to yearn for your attention. i ve finally deleted you off my phone, i figure its not like u ever want to be in contact with me so whats the point? i prob will never add you on fb as "The first step" when i see you and talk to you ill decide what i wish to do to let you enter back in my life or not.... i want you to disappear from my mind, its sad that my memory persist of only you and i can only remember only the good of you and your touch.. i dont know why i still think about you..it should ve stopped but you just persist in my mind and in my memories. i know your not what you are in my head so why cant i get that!!! far out!! i need a reminder that you are not what you are in my head...i need that reality check but i will never see you again...ever... i dont want to be the one in contact with you cause i want you gone...and i feel as though im playing a game hide and seek...who is the first one to spot each other...and when that time comes, what will it be like? my life right now its not as smooth as it should be..it s..not what its meant to be or the fact that it scares me when i get out off uni im going to have zero prospect for a job...and so it scares me to be in the bottom will others are at the top...and so i look back at something familiar something that was some what secure in my mind or so thought and what if i did start at the bottom? ur a student what do you expect? i just want someone to be with me and be with me of every step of the way ..but... i feel as though no one is there for me, it scares me that i have no stability or security in my life... so what do i do? i feel anxiety all the time and its not healthy, i worry over nothing and the environment that surround me with my family its getting to me and i need to snap out of it, i need to work but no one is will take anybody one on board...so what do i do?

its going to be almost a year since the break up, i don't want it to be a reminder of what happened. i still feel the warmth n love when i first got together with you. i felt happiness, the familiarity of your atmosphere and love. i miss you, i miss the times we had together ,,,,,let your self miss him and then just drop it...

this year has been an adventure i ve been loved, lost, found, betrayed, gained, experinced, partied, drank, kissed and laughed. all of this in a matter of a choice that led to one point of life and events that occurred in my life since the break up. its not him that i wish to fix, it is me....im a mess, i dont know what i want and fear always seem to rule my fate and decision making. i ve tried and lost everything. times are changing and im afraid to keep up and move forward. my heart doesnt know what i desire most anymore, i cant tell what is good and what is bad and most of all i dont even know what makes me happy anymore. everyone seems to have a direction, everyone has someone and what about me? im going around and avoiding my feelings, using lust to hide my true feelings of loneliness and heart break. i dont even know what im doing anymore. yes my life has been busy but am doing the right thing? i want to be own self, i want to be independent and not relay on anybody but im always so envious of everyones life..what do i have? im ridiculous, im trying to be somebody im not, i force myself to be liked so people dont forget about me. iam self conconsious and in my eyes i will always be in the back of the room. i know i can be in the spotlight but is it with good intentions? i dont know anymore... this is all me, ive been messing up not him, he did nothing all ever did was say sorry and tried to help me with closure. i did this to myself i brought this mess upon me and now i dont know how to fix this ... i think about you everyday and my only wish right now is to set you free from my heart... my heart is aching and every memory that i remember from you is so fresh and clear, i remember the laughs the kiss the touch..i really loved you... trully in my heart i really thought you would be the one catching me when i fall but all that is just a fantasy ...

it was meant to be me getting over u first not u ... im suppose to be the better one, im suppose to be the stronger one! but im struggling to be even called that name now..sigh i hate u...grrr it just so easy to blame u for this but sooner or later it was gonna happen... my ego is dead...

Its really hard to heal when u suddenly re appear back to into ly life...I really don't know what's ur deal really. And ur cousin being so aggressive to me ..I don't understand why u wouldn t talk to me is that all u have to say to me, I don't think so ur cousin doesn't know crap about love but then I might be wrong that u really don't have anything to say but sorry.. that's real dog of u. It s not that hard to open it mouth u always seem to know exactly what to say m have an opinion. About it so how is this any different? ?? In some fact that it's hard to believe that I'm still reaching out for u .. that no ur right his not gonna be there for me, he doesn't want me back but friendship but other than I that I wouldn't go beyond...why wont u see me ...stop it seriously ...let of him..stop it ...stop..

you cant just waltz back into my life seriously.. how could u do that? u cant just contact whenever ur ready or when u regret when it all went wrong. argghh i hate how i still have feelings for u. i dont want you, u are nothing i want in a guy nothing. i deserve to be happy just cause u cant find yours dosent mean ur going to drag me down its not fair. You think ur hurting think how long it took me to accept ur choices and i had to put that through u cant just expect me to come waltzing back in my life. no u cant. argh..i wish i could back to you but that means going back to the old me and i dont want to be old me and everything that i went through would just be a waste of time and i cant deal with your crap serisouly i deserve better and u were right all long i did deserve my happiness so leave me alone. if u cared or love me at all than let me be..

you eff it up, well about time you realise what you did. all those time i tried to help cause i was worried about you. all i ever did was love you and you threw me away. I gave everything to you but u never tried ever. i was always second best to u. i will always has been and always will be. You think moving on and going back to her your will set you free wrong again. You just created yourself a hole. you made yourself problems over problems. your not over her nor you are over me. So yeah im glad u realised what u did. it took you long enough to admit that you were wrong. i cant believe you were telling me of how i should feel whether my choices were right or wrong. you were trying to control me and now after 6 months of ignoring you, you come crawling back to me. you are unbelievable you know that. i m almost sure you are in this website and that i have found you, i hinted to you and i hope your smart enough to realise to back off. You and your cousin, whats is your deal? seriously!

I'm sorry u g things up dosent compreshte how much u have hurt me! This is ur own doing not mind how dare u come back to me cause it didn't work for u I deserve the beat n n u treat me second best...why do u even bother talking to me .. u have lost so many people in your life that u might not even get back .. need to change I'm NT gonna get dragged down with that again...u n ur cousin ...I can't believe both of u ..at least ur cousin has the decency to pick up his crap n Move on... arrgghh u both drive me nuts > I don't know why u want to suddenly come back to my life but ur not gonna be in it for a while.

im not sure what i feel, but the air of summer and the atmosphere that sweeps accross the night sky reminds me of u..or something else. i dont know. The feeling is very familiar, its peaceful yet painful. im not sure what the feeling was but all i wanted to do is freeze time whilst i stand there and look at the world. what my life as become. what you became. Many times i wish to see ur face or to see u see me with another guy. I dont know why i want utter revange but i do. I dont think i have fully grasp the whole idea of not having u in my life. i hate having enemies, i hate the fact that we were together for a year and then all the sudden u mean nothing to me. why did couldn't be just you? why did let me swin through the waters, why cant it just be you? im scared, im scared that i wont find anybody and im the only one left to be roaming around doing..what im doing now... i dont want to find another you, i want to find the right one. some days it would be nice to be with somebody who accepts me and loves me but thats just all fantasy. The fantasy that what is in my head is better than reality. i seem to do that alot. i find that for the guy ill be with will be the guy in my head. oh ur cousin, that could have gone so wrong with that and yet to watch u see how u would react would make my day. But that is just only temporarily. its never permanent which is exactly what i want. do i miss my ex? no i dont, do i want him? no, i assume this is exactly how u feel about me, you stopped loving me and you stopped caring about me and all the sudden u left me behind. I dont want to think about u. i dont want to still think about u even after a year. what kind of person am i? Im better than this. i am me and i am strong. so i can beat this. i did it once and i can do it again. Do it for myself and not for anybody else...

I'm finding it hard to accept that its over. Why am I lying to friends to my friends about all this I can't be myself ... what's wrong with me? I can't act normal with anybody ...I can't ... I put tomoz a show for everybody that I'm ok but I'll not! I'm so stuck ...I can't seems to find closer to let go of you ...I don't know why I'm even holding on to you ...I dreamed about you and that u broke my hear ll over again .. I know it's over but why can't I accept that?

I'm so tired ...I keep convincing myself that ur crawling back but u never will ...u never missed me u were so happy to her rid of me . Relief ...is the word ...was I so bad to you? ...why can't I accept what u did? It was wrong what u did to me ....My ego is hurt n so is my heart

i know now why i cant let go of you, i was actually offended when u said no..truly am...yes u were the one person that i wanted but rejected me. i was offended by that. i was so use to boys wanting me and when u said no...i was suprised. so yes thanks for the refresher.... i wont my ego get to my head.....

i keep looking back staring at your face...and you are now gone...forever you are in my heart. Time passes by and yet you are still the person i wish to see more. we are not friends, we are not lovers...we are just acquaintances. we dont talk, we dont see each other, we are..nothing. i keep coming back to you...wishing you were the person that i loved...but no, that person is never coming back. That person who i uses love, has been long gone..... my only wish is for everything to be...ok, I dont hate you, i dont love you. i feel the pain of betrayal and dishonesty for u... letting go... i want to find closure, i guess i dont know how to find that. I feel like the only way i do is by seeing you again, to talk to you...but yet i feel that might not be what i trully want from the heart. Its gonna break my heart even more and more...i want to prove nothing from you, i want to prove anything to anybody but myself.. i want to stop caring, i want to focus on my life.... i miss you...it seems just so easily to call you and meet u..but i know that it is my sign of weakness...its nothing to be said right. whats done is done. more questions will be asked and more answers means more heart ache . so whats the point right? if i were over you completely i wouldn't need you or think about you..... i suppose im just want to get closer, it ended dead as soon as you broke up with me. There will be no point of seeing you, no contact. you made sure of that we wouldnt cross path. You have no connections from your best friends or so i thought... how could it all be dead and gone? how? make me understand..because i cant right now not ever... they say that things are better left unsaid. But i dont understand.... "after all said and done. all roads leave to the same path..."

why the hell am i obsessing over u ! i dont get it! i dont want to be obsessed over it! why u! bloody hell! i hate me! why! why! i hate this! u dont want me so why am i obsessing???