Xandra

Thanks Mar, I know what you mean because I have been the girl who has been scrutinized also. It is more because we are so far away from each other and it's taking a toll on our relationship. We argue almost every time we speak on the phone, mostly because it's so hard being apart. We spent pretty much every day together for close to a year, and now every time we speak, it hurts. I just hate the not knowing what's going on there, espcecially since we've had trust issues from the very beginning. The weird part is, I think we almost broke up on the phone today. He told me that "he didn't feel like we were getting anywhere talking the way we were and that he would call me the next day". I told him that I felt bad ending the conversation that way, but he still wanted to hang up the phone. It's almost as if he won't try to work things out, even for my sanity.

I recently entered a long-distance relationship with a man whom I've been dating (and was living with) for almost a year. We were living together in a house with other roommates for 4 months, which was a very large contributing factor to me wanting to move back to be with my family for a few months. I love this man dearly. I try to believe that he feels the same way, he told me that he had never cried in front of a girl or ever felt about another girl the same way he does about me. We talk on the phone and e-mail each other every day. He's also told me that he feels like he is missing half of himself and that he is miserable without me. Says every day how badly he wants me back. We agreed to keep an ongoing long-distance relationship until I return in July. The problem is, I can't bring myself to believe that he's going to stay faithful. A week before I left he told me that even though he is starting a new program at school and working that he would always put me and our relationship first. Now he's telling me that he hopes that he can still "make me as happy even though he's going to be going to school from 8:30-2pm every day and working at the same time". This is causing fear and doubt for me, which I have expressed to him, but every time, he reassures me that he will always make every effort to maintain our relationship and make time for us every day. I just don't know if I can trust what he's saying. He told me that last night he went out to a club and met this "cool and interesting girl". Obviously being 2000 KM away, I am going to get jealous and hurt. Why say it like that? When I asked, he seemed annoyed that I would make comments like that, stating that had she been male, it wouldn't have been a problem and that I should always trust him because I have no reason not to. We've only been apart for about 10 days and already I feel bad about things, like either I am insecure and should just trust the poor guy, or I do have cause for concern. My main problem isn't being kept in the dark about an infidelity, but working my butt off all summer to be able to move back and having him tell me then. It's not easy to just move yourself from one city to another, and I sometimes fear that he may not always tell me the whole truth. Sorry this has been so long and drawn out, I think I just needed to vent. I am almost pathetically in love with this man and either need to move on with my life or actually trust him and be hopeful for the future. I have spoken to him about it honestly and he always tells me that he can see a real future with me and that nothing would make him happier than to see me return to him as soon as possible. What the heck am I supposed to do? I would like to just go with the flow, but I can't sleep or eat normally and it hurts all the time!!

He does NOT LOVE OR RESPECT YOU. How have you even hung in there this long?? What has your secret been other than not feeling like you can do better? Guess what girl? YOU CAN!! Leave this piece of crap and don't even give an explanation - he doesn't even deserve to have one at this point. Any man who will continue to hurt you despite your plea of him to STOP some perverted, selfish indulgence is not even worth you crying over. Believe me, there are men out there who WILL LOVE YOU!! Stop taking this guy's crap - why love someone who has no love or respect for you in return? Turn that passion you have for him into resentment, you'll be a stronger person ... then take it as a really bad learning experience and move on. Let us know what happens.

^ Well, that's certainly someone who is going to call you on your crap when it's necessary! I like that though ... no avoiding what you want to say. I was thinking the same thing about the pot smoking. I've had enough puffs in my life to know that marijuanna doesn't impare your ability to know what's going on.

I totally understand what you mean. Also, I can verify that you are at least in part, absolutely accurate. Women (myself included), tend to be more attracted to and excited by men who seem mysterious, dangerous, and unpredictable. Women are always more fascinated and intrigued by a guy who is confident and independent, a guy whose sure of himself and knows what he wants. These types of guys tend to be what I see as more of a "bad boy", only because they land with both feet on the ground and are very strong-willed. You can't push them around. When I said that I would like a "happy medium", I meant that I love a man with these qualities, yet I still like to feel comfortable in a relationship with a guy who isn't going to get bored or restless, a guy who I can talk to and feel myself around. A guy I can be vulnerable with sometimes and not feel like he's going to kick my ass out the door for being "needy" ... lol It's just nice to have someone who does their own thing, has a life and is confident, but at the same time can spend hours in bed talking and show me his "sensitive side" every now and then. Any man who does that is all right with me.

Walk away. At least for now. This is only going to bring you pain, he is VERY confused and he's going to abuse you whether or not he means to. People who never know what they want usually don't mean to hurt others, but for those of us who are more emotionally balanced, there's always a price to pay. If you still love him, you've got to tell him to straighten out his head or that you can't see him right now. Do you really want him bouncing back and forth between you and another girl? You deserve better.

Yeah, stalking is a bit strange. Although I think I know where you're coming from. What would have driven you to actually drive past her friend's place? I think there might be more to this story than you're disclosing. If you really trusted her in the first place, I doubt you would actually drive past her friend's place to check on her. In any event, it's time for a talk. You have to deal with this head-on. If there's something going on, there is no doubt that you will find out eventually (most of the time, you will), but for your own piece of mind, just have a talk with her. Bring up issues that you have, be calm and considerate. Don't come straight out and ask her if she's cheating, I would be pretty offended if my boyfriend asked me that. Instead, just ask her where she sees things going between you two, if she's truly happy that you are back together, and if there is anything she would like to see happen or change. I would probably respond very well to an inquiry of this kind. I doubt she's cheating ... although the text messages and phone calls are something to investigate a bit further. If you ask (always in the most non-intrusive and friendly way - since if you make it seem like you're accusing her of something, she's going to pull away) and she is secretive and gets angry, then assume that there's something she isn't telling you. Don't be the guy with the wool over his eyes, but also get to the bottom of it and put an end to insecurities. You'll never be at peace if you don't.

WOW, you sound like me in a nutshell, lol ... I get pretty irrational too. It's ridiculous actually. Although I think that a happy medium between a "nice guy" and a "bad boy" is the healthiest for me. I can't be with someone who is too nice. Not only does it scare me, but it makes me feel too safe and that my life is always going to be predictable. I dunno, maybe that's a recipe for disaster in the long run, lol

I see this whole porn thing - and womens' reactions so much these days that it makes me wonder if us women are really looking at things in the right way. I've actually sat down with my boyfriend and watched porn, it's a very interesting experience if you're comfortable with it. However, your situation is quite different. When you start voluntarily initiating contact with other people for sexual or romantic reasons while you are in a committed relationship, there's just something that isn't right. This whole thing with the gay porn worries me also. Of course, any guy who is honest with you will tell you that they have thought about it. Women do too. But to take it to the extent that you actually have sexual contact (yes, even through the internet), is too much. He is not showing you the respect and honesty that you deserve. A guy who is into porn is always going to be into porn. This is inevitable. It's something inside of him that he desires whether he knows you hate it or not. It's never bothered me that my man likes to look at porn. In the end I know he loves me and would do anything for me. Men are men though, and when they have sex on the brain, they'll do anything for that "release". When they are finished with the porn, it's discarded and never thought of again. It's just fantasy and release. You're still going to be #1 unless you feel your sex life is no longer what it used to be. I think this guy needs a reality check. You're trying to be so generous and understanding, but know where to draw the line. Don't be a doormat and put up with his frequent disrespect, contacting other people on the internet, etc. If it bothers you now and you've told him, yet he continues to do it, I would get out of the relationship. If anything, you breaking it off with him will show him that you have standards that he isn't meeting. If he really wants things to change with you, he'll make that extra effort.

I know, and also don't know how you feel right now. I've had my heart broken once, and ever since then, I've found that it's almost impossible to totally trust another man. I had my heart broken once ... the guy did everything short of offer his hand in marriage. At first I was skeptical, tried to keep my emotional distance, making sure that I never got in deep enough with him that I would end up getting my heart broken. He persisted. He continued to tell me that he saw this beautiful future with me, we made plans, and eventually I allowed myself to fall in love and trust this man. Big mistake. It turned out that he was never faithful, and I found out by seeing him with another girl in a bar. It was horrible, and for about a month I had no hope in anything. I wasn't happy with my life, my friends, my family ... I felt like I was worthless and that there would be nobody else who would ever find me attractive. It took a long time to get him out of my system. You're saying 4 months and it continues to hurt, which is very unhealthy for you. 4 months is a long time to be hurting. I feel for you. After this long, I would think that one option for you to seriously consider is to talk to someone ... a professional. You may actually be depressed. Time does heal wounds, but they generally do not take this long. I realize that you thought that you had achieved some sort of "inner peace and happiness" when you were with your ex. This is going to sound brutal, but it wasn't totally real. If it was, he wouldn't have just gone back to his ex girlfriend. He is NOT WORTH you crying and losing sleep over. A guy like him will probably follow the same patterns throughout his life. He will always be confused and take advantage of other people when he's vulnerable and lonely. Not only that, but have you considered what would happen if you had of stayed together for a long time? Would you want to think that in the first sign of trouble, he would chase after a pretty girl just to comfort himself? The reason I say this, is because I know what it feels like to love someone completely. When my boyfriend and I have fights, I am not always looking for another man to take his place until I "get myself figured out". If I were you, I would take this whole situation as a very painful - but growth-forcing - learning experience. Stay away from guys with baggage, ones on the rebound. He obviously did feel very strongly about you, but probably because he was searching for the exact same thing you are - something to fill the void. Don't be prey for rebounding men. Thoughts and emotions are never clear and baggage-free in this stage, and it almost always constitutes someone getting hurt.

Hey Meeso .... I think there are parts of this story that haven't been said on your part. What is he talking about when he says, "you've made a mockery of my family and I"? What would encourage that kind of comment? Why would he tell his friends that he loves you but that you're a *beep*? I don't get the whole story. YOU are the one who is in the wrong just for receiving text messages from a guy friend? You're ALLOWED to have guy friends. The reason he got jealous and upset about that ... I'm sorry to say ... is because HE'S the one with something to feel guilty about. Don't go down this road. Try to be strong. He's cheated on you more than once and won't contact you now. It's over, and in a few weeks you're going to be glad it is. You're upset now because you're used to his company. You're used to that contact with him, to having this companion. Try to get out more with your friends. Do things on your own.

Just out of curiosity ... do you drink occasionally? I've done quite a bit of both, enough to know that marijuanna really is not as bad as people make it out to be. The reason that alcohol isn't as scrutinized is because it is socially acceptable and taxed by the government. It is a controlled substance and makes the government a LOT of money. I have seen alcohol ruin more lives, hurt and kill more people, cause more problems financially and to your mind and body than marijuanna ever will. I don't personally like the affects of smoking dope, mostly because it makes me paranoid and hungry. You are NOT second best to a drug. She doesn't do it to spite you. It doesn't mean that she doesn't care as much about you or that she cares more about smoking pot. This is something that she has always done, and to be honest with you, it doesn't sound like she wants to stop. What's the big deal? It's not a destructive drug at all, and I can speak from personal experience that having a puff of a joint every now and then really isn't going to ruin what you have with her. If you can learn to understand that she likes to catch a buzz every now and then, she'll probably feel a lot more like your soul mate than a little kid who has to hide things (not that you make her feel that way, I understand your concern).

If your husband is the kind of guy who just wants to be with a woman who isn't going to give him a hard time about cheating, why would you want to be with him in the first place? He screwed up badly. Yes, he has taken the step to confess. SO WHAT?? He still has to work on putting the pieces back together, and if you tell him that and he doesn't like it, LEAVE. HE OWES YOU. You shouldn't suffer in silence - there is a world out there with men who will not cheat. I think this advice is pitiful. Of course you shouldn't make him beg and plead every day, or humiliate him (since he probably already is), but making a demand that he acknowledge his infidelity and do what it takes to improve matters is not too much to ask. To be honest with you, I wouldn't ever give a cheater a second chance because the trust I would have built up for him would be so damaged that no matter HOW LONG he tried and how faithful he was, I would always think there would be a possibility - even a small one - that it could and WOULD happen again. It's one thing to stray if you are having serious relationship problems, are separated, vulnerable, or even under the impression that your wife/ husband has been cheating on YOU. These are certain exceptions to the rule. I guess what I'm saying is that I wouldn't put myself through the heartache and *wondering*, all those business trips, every time he's an hour or so late getting home, etc. where he is and what he's doing. No way.

Just tell him that you don't have the same relationship feelings that you once did and that you've moved on. Make him realize that he can't treat people any way he wants and get away with it, allowed to make the same mistakes with you a second time. The more this guy sees that you don't want him, the more he's going to want YOU. Use it to get past your heartache. You're desired - but you don't have to let people into your heart unless they deserve it. Good luck girl.