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WhiteLotus

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About WhiteLotus

  • Birthday 06/18/1990

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  1. Thank you so much, everyone. I'm truly grateful for your advice, you helped me to get a lot of clarity. He and I have agreed that, in a few months, we will live separately from each other for 6 months. I feel like this will be helpful in two different ways. First, living on his own might help him to grow up some, when I'm not there to help him out. Second, it will give me the chance to see what life on my own would be like and the space to really think and decide if I want to stay in this marriage. He knows how close we are to the end, time will tell if he gets his act together. But right now, I am leaning toward not staying married.
  2. Hi, everyone. I haven't posted here in a long time, but I'm at my wit's end and I don't know who to turn to. Please don't attack me, I feel so sad and vulnerable and I just desperately need some advice. I have been together with my husband for 12 years, we don't have any kids. We met as teens, so I literally don't know what adult life is like without him. And that's part of the problem. Because now I think I want out, but I have no idea what life would be like for me. There are so many things to say. This post will be long, please bear with me. How can I sum up the happiness and misery of such a long time without writing a novel? I can't possibly cover everything. If you want clarification on anything, please ask. I really hate to say this, but the main problem I have is his income. I'm not a gold digger, I want to make that very clear. I've always been independent and self-sufficient by nature; I'm not expecting a man to take care of me and provide for me. When we were first together, he was going to school. His occupation can take several years to build up a steady clientele, which I readily accepted. But he has been in his occupation for over 10 years now, and he still makes the income of a college student. He has some good months, where he makes around the same monthly income as me, and those months are what give me hope and keep me in this marriage. But so much of the time he is making paychecks in the $300-500 range. Sometimes he isn't earning anything. The worst part about it all is that most of it isn't really his fault. He gets sick or he gets injured or his bipolar (which he is on meds for and takes them consistently, but meds aren't a miracle cure) causes him to miss work. But it feels like there is ALWAYS something. Always. I feel like I can't be resentful because he didn't choose to have any of those things happen to him, but inside I'm screaming. I knew he was bipolar when we got married, and I accepted it. I've been very supportive of his mental health over the years. But all of his other issues started after we got married. I'm so beyond frustrated and I'm so, so tired of being scared and broke and stressed out. I'm sick of working so hard for so many years and feeling like I'm just stuck in the mud, spinning my wheels, because my income allows us to pay our bills but we can't buy a house, we're about to be priced out of the rental market here (we live in a state which is growing more and more expensive, and he doesn't want to leave it) unless we live in a ***ty apartment in a bad part of town, and we never have money to travel, which is something that I've wanted to do for my whole life. He knows his income is a problem, we've talked about it. He gets depressed about it, which helps nothing. I wish he was the kind of man who could figure out a way around the problem, instead of just wallowing in misery, but he isn't. He doesn't have the entrepreneurial spirit to go out and really grow his business. He was never good at school, so going back to college isn't an option for him. He literally throws up if he wakes up early in the morning, and he can't handle stress, so 99% of normal adult jobs aren't possible for him to do. I've been the primary breadwinner in our relationship for the entire time we've been together. I've been the one to make sure I work a steady job that provides health insurance and benefits. I'm currently working full time and going to school full time to learn the skills for a job that I could do as my full time job or as a side hustle. If he consistently made 2/3 of what I make, I'd be content. It's not an unreasonable thing to ask for, I feel, because I only make a little over $50K per year. If I stay, I foresee my life with him being full of struggle and hardship. I foresee myself getting to retirement age and feeling bitter because he never saved for retirement and his body being too worn out for him to work anymore, so it would fall on me to keep us afloat in addition to being his literal caretaker. I want to do more with my life. It just feels like I've been waiting around for my life to start, saying "things will get better" like a mantra. And they don't get better. In addition to income, he doesn't cook unless I ask him to. He generally doesn't book appointments or do other adulting without being asked. He does bare minimum housework. He doesn't shop for groceries unless I ask him to, even though we have a shared grocery list so he can always see what we need. He has no sense of managing finances, I've tried multiple times to explain budgets to him and to put him in charge of our finances because he wants to help, and he doesn't keep track of it or transfer money to pay our bills on time. Life often feels superficial with him, I'll admit. He isn't a deep thinker, he doesn't like to watch any serious movies or have philosophical conversations, he'd rather watch comedies, smoke pot, and play video games. But I can find those other qualities in my friends. You're probably saying now, "why would you stay?" But I truly love him. He is kind, and supportive, and funny. I know, beyond a doubt, that he's always got my back. He may forget to scedule an oil change, but if my car breaks down he will drop everything to come and help me. He may suffer from bipolar, but when he's dealing with his own issues he is always there for me emotionally. We have common interests that we enjoy doing together, although I'll admit that I'd like a lot more time to myself than I get, even before I started back at school. I don't know if I'd find someone else who would be better, but I do feel like I might be happier even if I was alone. It would be nice to just handle my own life again, for my time and decisions to be mine alone. I'm heartbroken. I don't know what to do, because I love him very much but I've been miserable for years. I feel like I should leave, but what if I leave him and then I deeply regret it? What if the grass really isn't greener on the other side? Also, with his bipolar I truly fear that he will kill himself if I leave. Please, please help me.
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