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Balthamos

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About Balthamos

  • Birthday 04/30/1985

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  1. I have to disagree with the other two posters somewhat. First off, it's cool that you're waitning for marriage, and you absolutely have the right to hold someone else to that standard, especially someone you're in a relationship with. The drugs, if he's stopped, are probably not that big of a deal, but I totally understand the sex thing. If you really like this guy then I think you should try to work through it (have you told him that it bothers you?). If, however, you decide that these issues are too important to you, then you should end the relationship and should not (the way the other two seemed to suggest) feel at all guilty about doing so. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having high standards, and you should be proud of them, not ashamed that you hold yourself (and your boyfriends) to a higher moral standard. Many people may not understand, but you'll be doing what you feel is right.
  2. I think that I fit that descprtion pretty well, so yes we do exists, we're just a little hard to find sometimes. I'm not sure if this applies to all guys llike this, but I know I'm pretty shy so it's hard for me to approach women. Also, does anyone know where to find women like this?
  3. Like somebody said, according to your statistics, infidelity is a pretty rare thing. To me, if you agree in advance with your spouse that you will be involved with other people, then it's not infidelity. I don't think it's propably a good idea, but it's pretty different from infidelity (cheating secretly).
  4. Can a person change completely? No I don't think so. You can go through drastic changes, and yes, they can be permanent, but you can't completely change everything about yourself. I think though, that instead of working to change the things you hate, you first work on the general self-loathing. I think that SkyFire is not quite right in his understanding of hating. Saying there's noting wrong with your life when there are problems is very different from hating yourself. I know that there are things I need to improve on, but I don't hate myself because of them. It's okay to acknoweledge that you have flaws and weaknesses and to try to overcome them without hating yourself. So I think you should try to work on not hating yourself so much first, and then look critically at the things you don't like (all those things you listed) and figure out why you don't like them. Then slowly, you can work on changing those things you think are the biggest problelms. Going through any kind of change is a long, hard process, but with patience and persistance you can make the changes that you really think are important.
  5. I think that if you are questioning it at all then your are probably not ready for it. It's not a problem, but I think that if you're ready there won't be any doubts in your mind. I know it's hard, but I think it's always better to err on the side of caution. I also have to say that I disagree with lisica, I think that God wants both love and the commitment of a lifelong marriage before sex. (If you're not a Christian, this won't apply to you, but it might). Hope this helps ~~Kevin~
  6. I must say that I disagree with most of what you said. None of this is personal against you, but after I read it, I have to say that I was a little bit surprised that only one person seemed to disagree with you at all. First off, some of the things you say seem to be rather condradictory. You say in your introduction, amongst a list of misconceptions about chivalry, that many guys think it's just a way to get into a girl's pants. And then, as you start the paragraph about jerks, you say that because they have sucess with women, they don't need to be chivalrous, thus implying that it is just a technique used by desperate men to attract women. As Shysoul said, there are definitely some guys who use it as a means to attract women, but they misunderstand it; this is why they fail at it. Of course chivalry is dependent on the woman's reception of it. When you talk of women being scared or creeped out by chivalry, that's not chivalry, it's unwanted attention (which is akin to stalking). Chivalry is about respecting women beacuse it's right, not out of some kind of pity or misconceptions about feminine weakness, nor a pathetic attempt to attract women. It was an interseting point that the men who believe most strongly in chivalry seem to have less luck with women, and while I disagree with your expalaination, I don't have another one. I did think that it was totally inappropriate and unnesessary to say that men who practice and believe in chivalry are "wussy chump pets and supplicants [which I believe is a misuse of the word, perhaps you meant "sycophant"?]" even if you admit that it is a broad generalization. I am of course not a woman, niether one of is, but your anaylisis of the "fairer sex" seems quite flawed to me. While I absolutely say that this is not a rule that applies to all, maybe not even most, but when taken as a whole, it seems to me, from my experience, that women are not as sexually oriented ("horny") as men. As was said earlier, being a nice guy in no way makes a guy a doormat, just the opposite. A really nice guy is nice to himself as wel and know how to be assertive; to not let other walk all over him without being pompous or hurting the other person. I also think it's important to mention that you are seriously downplaying the importance of the non-sexual part of a relationship. I think, since they are the ground work that is necessary in order to form a healthy sexual relationship they are even more important than sex. If I may say so without being offensive, while I have no phsycological training, it seems to me that you used to be a believer in it and have become jaded by the "nice guys finish last" syndrome. I'm not saying that as an insult or a judgement of any kind, but it's my guess as to why you wrote this article at all and certainly why it turned out the way it did. Agian, none of this is meant as a personal attack, and your article was certianly thought-provoking, despite the fact that I obviously disagreed with it. ~~Kevin~
  7. Are you sure about why your friend is becomiong distant? Is it because she thinks that you're letting your new boyfriend get in between you and her, or could it be because she thinks that he's not a good boyfriend? If you think that she doesn't think he's a good guy, it might help her a lot if you just listen to her complaints. I had a friend who just started dating a girl, and all his friends started to back away from him, because we all saw that she a terrible match for him and that she was controlling him from the start. We tried to tell him our complaints, but he didn't agree. Of course it was his decision, but none of us wanted to be around him anymore because of the way he was chaning because of her. I'm not saying that you're in the same situation, but if you can just get her to tell you what her problems are, even if you don't agree, at least listen and thnk about them, it should help her feel a lot better. Now my friend and I get along much better, even though he's still dating the same girl, so maybe it'll just take some time for her to adjust. Good luck and God Bless, Kevin
  8. First off, welcome to enotalone! Because you have children, if there is any chance at all of saving your marriage, I think you need to do everything in your power to keep it together. Yes, it was wrong of you to kiss another man, although of course it's not quite as bad as what your husband did. I think that it is extremely detrimental to your marriage for you to keep meeting with this guy. Especially if you realize that you're falling for him, you should try to stay away from him and if he invites you out again, you need to tell him the truth: that you feel really guilty about this, and hipocritical for how angry your husband's cheating made you, and that for your kids' sakes, you are going to try and recover your marriage. You have seen, first hand, how painful this is and the horrible strain it puts on a marriage, I think it would be very difficult for your marriage to survive a second affair, from either you or your husband, and it's very important that, if at all possible, you maintain your relationship. From your post when you say your marriage is fine, except for your husband's affiar, it seems like you can salvage your marriage. You may not get the fairy tale "Happily Ever After," but maybe the next best thing.
  9. The rest of that quote is: girls=timeX money time=money thereforeeee, girls=money^2 (squared) money=root (evil) so... girls=root(evil)^2 which means girls=evil I hope the math symbols translate ok
  10. Nifty I'm guessing by your location that you go to KSU. If that's right, I know that there are several Christian campus groups like Icthus, Challenge, or Campus Crusade (I'm sure this is true on any campus, not just KSU). These seem like good places to start looking to me. My roommate goes to Icthus, and he's planning on asking a girl from there out tonight. I go to a smaller group called UMCM, and even there, there are a few women who have similar standards. If you go to another university, I'm sure that the situation is pretty much the same. If you haven't given these groups a try I'd reccomend you go check them out. Even if you don't find anyone who quite matches up with what you're looking for, it can be a fun place to be with like-minded people. Best of Luck and God Bless Balthamos
  11. I think that S4il is on the right track, that timeout is an effective way to treat this, but I wouldn't reccomend makeing your lap or her crib the place for it. Those are place she should like to be, sort of like her happy places, and if you make them timeout she'll think she's in trouble every time you hold her or put her to bed. You should try to find another place, like possibly a playpen in another room. Good luck!
  12. no6 I don't think it's necessary that you find your wife drop-dead gorgeous or even have to think she's especially attractive. Unless she is so hideous that the very sight of her makes you cringe with revulsion, I don't think it's that big of a deal. You alluded to some unusual situation surrounding your getting married, but I'm still going to assume that there was some love in the relationship. If enough of that love existed for you to commit yourself to being married to this woman for the rest of your life, I think you owe something to her and to those feelings. Any real, deep meanigful relationship, even more so a marriage, must be based on more than physical attraction. I am not saying that you don't have this, from your post it sounds like you two have a wonderful connection to each other. So already have the most important component to a happy, healthy, and fulfilling relationship. If you throw that away, I don't think you'll probablly ever find anything quite like it again, and you may just discover that it is more important to you than her physical beuaty. To quote NIfty_Swifty1, "Love is a choice... not feelings." It is true even more so when discussing physical attraction. That is not what love is about, what you have with your wife sounds like a great, firm foundation for a wonderful, lifelong love, and I think it would be just a terrible shame to throw all that away because she's not hot enough. You said she loves you in every way and, especailly when you talk about not giving her what she deserves, it sounds like you love her (except for her apperance) and there is a "very strong emotional bond" between you. That sounds like a lot to sacrifice, like it would lead to nearly unbearable pain for both of you, her especailly, just so you can go out and find someone more attractive. In a relationship designed to last as long and as deeply as marrige is, you have to be able to look past the skin deep beauty and see the beauaty of the soul, which it sounds like she has an abundance of. In answer to your last question, I don't think that anyone's prospects at happiness should be limited because of age or any other factor, but I think your looking for that happiness in the wrong place. If you love her, choose to love her, then, and only then, will you find the feelings you're looking for, the ones we associate with love, including happiness. A less true love with someone more attractive will not give these feelings as deeply or completely as your current wife can. I think that your prospects of happiness are literally limitless if you can choose to love your wife and commit to her. Even if you did find someone you really loved who was more attractive, if you consider your wife's feeling as much as you seem to, wouldn't you always be nagged by that little feeling of guilt in the back of your mind for hurting your wife who loved you in every way, loved you so completely that she's leaving her love for you in your hands so that you can do what you think will make you happy, even if that means leaving her and taking all that love away from her? That seems like more of a constraint on your happiness than your age or her beauty.
  13. Mara, I'm really sorry to hear that this has turned out like it has. At some point, there's just nothing more you can do. It's really hard, I know, but even if everyone's against you, always keep strong and know that you did what was right, and you did the best you could. If you've done everyting you could, then at some point you have to try and find a way to move on, if you just keeping spinning your wheels without accomplishing anything, you'll just completely burn yourself out. I know that's not very comforting, and I hate the idea of leaving that guy with children, as much as anyone, but we're only human. I know the knoweldge that you did the right thing is small consolation to the pain you feel now, but someday, somehow, I believe that there will be a reward for all your strength and perserverance in such an unfair painful situation. I will keep you in my prayers and please post if there's anyting else you need. God Bless Balthamos
  14. I am really sorry to hear that you eneded up getting Herpes off of that woman. I'm sure it must be really hard for you at shcool. In response to your question, yes, you do need to tell your ex g/f that you might have gotten Herpes while the two of you were having sex. Sorry that this turned out so badly for you, but I'm glad you don't have to face it alone anymore. God Bless Balthamos
  15. Mara, If I understand what your husband said about not being able to convict him without your other siblings' testimony, then I think that you have to do whatever is in your power to help those kids. I think that your mother seems like the main source of their loyalty, I can't imagine they'd defend him after what he did to them unless she was pressuring them into it. Why do they all bow to her every whim, even when it's so obviously wrong?! If you don't think you'll be able to convince your family to help save these and God only knows how many others, then I'm not really sure what the best course of action would be. That seems to be more of a legal question of what would be most effective. Have you talked with the prosecutor about ways to help get more evidence? Can you maybe tape phone calls with your siblings and get them to say that he abused them too? (Not sure if that could be used in court, but it seems worth a try?). I know that may not be much help, but hopefully you'll get this guy. God Bless Balthatmos
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